Kneel Before the Awesomeness of my Big Ass Title ...
Random, funny and mentally challenged stories, pictures, videos and (occasionally) mp3s from a husband, father, bookseller, closeted mexican, semi-famous cult leader, beloved children's storyteller, former heavy drinker and overworked, semi-famous, good smelling, all-around nice guy.
ENTERTAINING INVISIBLE FRIENDS SINCE 2002
Friday, July 18, 2008
Without The Wife Photos ...
Work Steve. Trying to be professional is an uphill battle ...
Me in pajamas for storytime ...
The look on my youngest daughter's face when I leave for work. She's out and I have the hardest time leaving her ...
My wife is leaving for another one of her work trip. She's leaving tonight after the kids go to bed and she's coming back sometime thursday. I have a lot of problems with her job. It's not your usual job. It's been really tough for me to deal with and my body seems to be paying the price. My eyes have been burning, I've been having really bad nosebleeds, my asthma, which has usually been very minimal, is suddenly kicking me in the ass and waking me up at four or five in the morning. I've been having anxiety attacks and I've been deeply, dangerously depressed. Usually I dealt with depression with a healthy dose of my kids and an unhealthy dose of beer. But I'm sober now and I'm also on two different types of anti-anxiety, anti-depression meds. I don't know if i can deal with another work trip alone, you know?
Anyway, no internets for a while. Lame. See you later, invisi-friends.
When C.M. Punk burst onto the WWE wrestling scene about two or so years ago I immediately did not like him. His punk lifestyle, loud punk theme music, and his endless tattoos were something that, as a man about to burst into his thirties, I was not interested in. He also constantly proclaims that he's "straight edge," a term I was unfamiliar with until Nikara moved back to Sacramento from Iowa where according to her practically everyone was very heavily "straight edge" meaning drug free and alcohol free. That was another reason I didn't like C.M. Punk. He was straight edge and I was a drunk. I didn't like the punked out "straight edge" Punk.
Then C.M. Punk wasn't given any push by WWE and sunk down into the midcard level, wrestling scrubs in matches no one cared about.
Then, out of nowhere, he won a Money In The Bank match at Wrestlemania, meaning that he won a briefcase containing a contract for a match against the heavyweight championship of his choice. And that match could be anytime and anywhere.
Then, in no way related to the previous events, I became sober. I slimmed down, started wearing ties and belts, and found myself looking more adult, acting more mature, and, whether I liked it or not, I became "straight edge."
Then, four months after Wrestlemania and about a week and a half ago, Edge came to Monday Night Raw to mock announcer Jim Ross and got a surprise beatdown courtesy of his old rival Batista.
And then ...
Former midcard bit player C.M. Punk is now the World Heavyweight Champion.
I never wanted to be drug free and alcohol free. The drugs I hardly touched save the occasional puff of a joint but I never felt like leaving my drinking behind forever. But I have. I've been sober for 64 days now. And whether I like it or not, I'm straight edge. Just like C.M. Punk.
I'm happy for the guy. And excited. FINALLY the WWE is shaking things up WITHOUT having to resort to giving away money.
Well, my second show was another amazingly failure.
God, where to fucking start.
First off, there's a ton of drama that's surrounding me (I'm not a part of it, it's surrounding me like I have some sort of invisible force field) that's all about my brother-in-law's baby momma and a fight and an angry husband and all this other shit. My wife has taken it upon herself to help with the drama and therefore I've had two days off and during those two days I've pretty much been left alone to take care of my darling Emerald and my loud screaming crazy terrible twos poopmachine Isabela AND their cousin Deinna AND her crazy manic rude A.D.D. sister Autumn who NEVER LISTENS TO ANYBODY! I've been so stressed out listening to them scream and yell and fight that I swear there have been times that I wanted to kill myself, to literally just slit my wrists and end it all instead of spend another second with these yelling screaming girls.
And then my wife and I had a yelling match right before I started, LITERALLY a few seconds before I started the show and that just tensed me up for the whole thing. I just wasn't comfortable.
Plus I promised the four girls that I would put them in the show. so I started off the show and while I'm trying to do my intro (it doesn't matter in retrospect because I didn't have any sound anyway) I can hear the kids yelling and crying outside and my wife raising her voice and putting the smackdown on the kids and that mixed with everything else, the drama and the fight and all that, I started getting an anxiety attack. So I had an anxiety attack throughout the whole show. Fucking incredible.
Then I have the four kids in there and they're just yelling and screaming and running around everywhere. I couldn't handle it. My wife cane in and had to take all the kids out because you could see that I just couldn't handle too much of it, you know?
And also I thought it would be cool to do the show in the bathroom because it would be quirky and funny and also there's great lighting in there. Well, when there WAS sound it was all echo and you could barely hear me, apparently. So once my wife took the kids away I tried to talk honestly and openly about my feelings and my problems. But apparently because of the bathroom you could barely hear me. and also my wife told me that I was too close to the microphone and I had to back up.
But all this just built up and it was all just too much. I couldn't do it, so i just stopped the whole thing. Now my wife is pissed off at me because she took the kids out of the room and I just stopped the show. Somehow she sees that as a slap to the face or an insult or something. So we fought right before the show and then we fought right afterwards, too. How great is that?
That's Autumn with the "Fuck Off" shirt. And that's a confederate flag on top of the White house on Emerald's shirt.
I'm here walled up inside this dirty ass house with four little girls who fucking LOVE Pokemon. I'm currently at the end of the fifth episode I've watched today. That's five in a row, non-stop. Yesterday I watched seven episodes. the day before that I watched about nine or ten episodes.
I can feel my brain melting from too much Pokemon ...
I'm designating tomorrow a Poke-free day for me and my family. No Pokemon all day. I don't think Isabela can do it, but if I have to watch any more Pokemon my dick will fucking explode from all the watered down Japanese stupidity.
These girls are driving me crazy. Its times like these that make my days off even more stressful than my actual job. And that's saying A LOT if you knew my job.
So I had my show tonight. I have been super excited about it for almost a week now. We had an hour long show, where we talked about such diverse topics as abortion, gay marriage, kittens, root beer, and illegal immigrants. It was funny, light hearted, and my daughter and I did a whole bunch of super funny, hilarious things. When I mentioned gay marriage I was surprised at Emerald when she said "Ew" that turned into a 20 min discussion on gay marriage that was very touching. The chat screen didn't pop up so we couldn't interact with our viewers but I still thought that it was a funny, touching, and awesome first episode of the Steve Gee show.
However, since the chat function was off, no one was able to tell me until after the show that I had no sound. My first broadcast, totally ruined. The funny things I was saying, the talks I had with my daughter, the funny and honest things I had to say, the debate my daughter and I had over homosexuality, all lost forever.
You have no idea how disappointed I feel.
The next episode of Not The Steve Gee Show will premiere as soon as I can figure out how to get the god damn microphone to work. Or we get a cam that doesn't suck ass.
Right now I'm drinking coffee, feeding my relentless iPod and popping all my happy pills while my six year old Emerald and I watch The Princess Bride.
It's funny. The more Isabela does her terrible twos the closer I get to Emerald. She is all over me and I want nothing more than to spend time with her.
Emerald will be my special guest tonight on the NOT The Steve Gee Show. Our topic will be abortion.
Tune in to blogtv for the very first episode of NOT The Steve Gee Show, an online chat show where you'll meet me and my kids and my pets and maybe even my wife if she doesn't kill me. It's free, it's audio, video, and it's a one time peek into my life and my head.
It's a one time thing now, an extension of my 840+ posts blog here, and if its a success then maybe it might become a regular thing.
And there's the standings in Steve's ever-changing iPod. Frank Sinatra comes out of nowhere to stop the rising Beatles. Ween drops a few spots and Eels loses a few songs but still keep their commanding lead. Does Frank have what it takes to finally overtake the music of Eels?
I'm happy about Sinatra's sudden presence in my top five. I'm all about old blue eyes right now. I think its because I've been wearing ties and hats to work. There's something about putting on nice pants and shiny black shoes and wearing expensive cologne and dressing all smart and professional that just brings out the Rat Pack in me. Fuck, I'd start drinking martinis if I wasn't sober.
I'm taking a new pill. I don't remember the name of it but it's usually used to calm down seizure victims when they feel like they're having an attack. I'm taking it on top of my generic Paxil to calm me down so I can stop my panic attacks and dizzy spells and moody super daddy freak outs. On any given day, I take about five different pills, not at the same time though because I don't want to Heath Ledger myself.
I've been sober from beer and alcohol for 55 days now. But now I have pill hangovers.
I'm going though a lot of shit but I'm pretty sure you don't have to worry about me.
It's a very simple game. I thought it up for the kids at storytime. All you have to do is guess if the words listed below are either a Pokemon character (randomly taken from ALL the Pokemon games, including the new Shinnoh region) or a prescription medication randomly taken from The Pill Book.
This game is surprisingly challenging and was designed for ONE REASON, to show twentysomething and thirtysomething hipsters who ONCE thought they knew Pokemon that they NOW know JACK.
The answers are posted on the comments. Good luck, people!
Natasha was going to leave with the kids tomorrow night for a number of days, five to be exact. But our van is having screaming shit fits, so we have to shell out a pretty penny to fix it. So that means my wife can't afford to go to the wedding in Arizona, which means I don't have to be home alone.
I'm excited about this. That means I don't have to be home alone. I've been going though a lot and I'm starting new medication, so being alone for a long stretch of time probably isn't good. Plus that means that my kids can campaign for Ms. Know-It-All during this Saturdays big Captain Book-less storytime.
The negative part is that my five day plan to lounge around the house naked while eating ice cream, dancing nude to party songs on my iPod, playing my PS2 and porning it up is now totally ruined by my wonderful and yet easily scarred children.
I just learned that my wife and two daughters are going to be leaving for a wedding out of state in five days. They're leaving on the 25th and coming back on the 30th. And since I'm working, and since i have a very important Captain Book-less Captain Book storytime to do, I will be home alone for five days. No wife, no kids, just me, alone.
I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I probably don't look it, but I'm a bit fragile right now. Being alone worries me.
Oh, and PS, I finished my alpha yesterday morning before i had to go to work. So yay me.
I stay up a little bit later than usual tonight, wake up a little bit earlier than usual tomorrow morning, I SHOULD be able to do this thing before I have to overwork tomorrow. When we went to Dimple and Walmart and I had the earbuds in my ears with my wife and kids, well I must have looked like the worst husband and father in the world. But I said that I was going to do it and do it I shall.
On an unrelated note, this is my 836th post on this blog. 836 damn posts. How crazy is that? My blog is as old as my oldest daughter and SHE just graduated first grade. My blog is going into second grade. That's incredible.
Anyways, wish me luck. This should be a piece of cake.
I'm no math expert but I believe that leaves 239 songs for me to hear before I go back to work tomorrow. I'm fairly confident I can do it, just as long as I staple the iPod to my damn ears.
This is also day 45 of my sobriety, by the way. Tough for me not to drink. I'm making up for it though by drinking enough coffee to kill a small hyrax.
Might go to Dimple and buy some used cds. Might go see The Hulk today. Might go skating with the fam tonight. We'll see.
There's the standings in Steve's iPod. Green Day jumps up to the top 5, thanks to their secret band The Foxboro Hot Tubs and Ween shortens the distance between themselves and Eels. Can Ween's musical madness take over the musical beauty of Eels?
I've been trying to listen to my iPod in alphabetical order during my vacation. I started at 8:00pm last wednesday as I walked out from work and I've been listening on and off since then. I have 995 songs packed in there that add up to about two full days worth of music. I started with Abarájame by Illya Kuryaki & The Valderramas and I'm currently on song 571, No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age. I have to go back to work friday morning, which means that I'll be hard pressed to finish this off before then so I plan on having my iPod strapped to my head nonstop from now until then.
My real name is Esteban although no one ever calls me that. I go by Steve, Reverend Steve, Mr. Steve, and DADDY. I entertain children when I'm not hiding inside myself. I'm recently clean and sober. I'm a huge asshole and a complete pervert but only when you're not around. I am happily married and have two beautiful daughters. My life is pretty damn good. I love my iPod probably TOO much. I do crazy loud storytimes for kids twice a week and usually get 20-55 kids screaming and laughing their butts off. I work way too hard. I don't care about what other people think of me. All I want is a little recognition for my hard work. And did I mention that I created my own religion, Woodism, that I'm famous for? I've been in Premiere magazine, National Enquirer, the New Yorker and Rue Morgue. I'm Mexican but don't hold that against me. I live in California, a redneck part that nobody gives a crap about. I don't know spanish, so just drop it. I dig popcorn, video games, Marvel comics and being a father, which is pretty awesome. Oh, and I'm on medication. A LOT of medication. It's all good, though. People try to make life a little tougher than it is. Just take life as it comes.
