NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest or, you wuss!


Thursday, October 6, 2016

Baby Deja-Vu ...

I feel like I've done this dance before ...

My daughter Eleanor is three months old. She's over two feet tall and over fifteen pounds and she has a full set of hair. She is very advanced in terms of her weight and size and whatnot. This is no doubt due to the two and a half extra weeks that she spent inside her mom's womb like a slacker.

The baby is breast fed exclusively and as a result she is deeeeeeeeeeeeply attached to her mother almost all the time.

So that's why I'm worried.

You see, today my wife, who is trying to go back to school, has a midterm test she has to go do. So I am taking care of the baby for the two or so hours that my wife will be testing.

I have had this blog since 2002, so I'm prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrretty sure I've gone thru shiznittle like this before and blogged about it, about my fears and junk about taking care of such a young infant.

I'm not going to look for it, tho. You can do that yourself if you want.

I'm worried. To be honest, I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally worried here. She has these super baby freakouts when mommy is gone, sometimes for something so small as mommy going to the bathroom without her, and her freak outs don't stop until mommy shows up to hold her. So having the baby for two and a half hours or so is going to be very difficult for me. I'm basically screwed.

But I should be ok. I should be alright. I've got breast milk and youtube and music and a shower. I'm fairly sure that I'll be fine.

I think.

(There's also the fact that my wife told me that she'd take the baby to her mom so she could take care of Eleanor. Then my wife changed her mind without telling me. So I was informed that I was in fact taking care of the baby last night, leaving me out in the cold. Like, maybe telling me I'm going to have the baby for hours all alone is something you should TELL ME about. But I don't want to get into it. I'm dealing with a lot of depression and stress right now, so dealing with my wife kiiiinda putting me on the spot isn't going to help me feel any better.)

I should be fine.


Wish us luck.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

The Comments ...

I turned off the comments for a while.

I have a newborn baby. I have kids getting ready for school. I am working three times as hard as usual at work. I just had some serious dental work done. I'm working on a television show. And I am working hard on my awesome, offensive podcast.

I have a very busy life.

The last thing I need is to be attacked by dumbass fucking rednecks who can't take a fucking joke.

The K-Mart near my house is shit. I wrote a review because I thought it was funny. If you don't like it, white people, then tough fucking shit. It's my goddamn blog.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Story Of Our New Baby ...

So here's the story of our brand new baby girl. I'm writing this on a cramped rocking chair in a fairly nice little hospital room and I haven't gotten the best sleep. Sorry if the grammar and the spelling isn't perfect. BUT! If you've read this blog before then you know it NEVER is.

Things were tense for our family this past week. We reached the two week part of this overdue baby. My wife was miserable. I was at the very height of nervousness. And every conversation with someone outside of our circle went the same way. TWO WEEKS?! THAT'S CRAZY! WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED (blank)?! The same dance over and over again. And I'm a paranoid enough creature to begin with without everyone I know putting their two cents in.

Hell, one person actually said that a friend of a friend waited too long to go into labor and the baby DIED! HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HELP? What the hell, recycling guy? Not freaking cool!

My wife started feeling some very low labor pains around Thursday evening. So, to push things along, my wife decided that what was needed was for all of us to go out for a nice, biiiig dinner at Chili's followed by some good laps walking around our cavernous local Wallymarts.

By the time we got home that night my wife was in what we thought was active labor.

I thought it could be soon, the super go baby time, so I stayed up until almost 1am that Thursday. In retrospect, my thinking that the baby might possibly be on its way soonishness was foolishness. Positive thinking, I guess. Eventually my wife sent me to bed, knowing that my stubbornness would have led me to staying up allllllllllll night if she would have let me.

My wife, my poor poor wife, stayed up all night in pain. She woke me up at 445am on Friday to help her because she was in so much pain. So I woke up and stayed up with her, helping her out as much as I could until I aaaaabsoluely had to had to HAD TO go to work because we're running on a prrrrrretty thin skeleton crew and there's NO ONE that can cover for me. So I went to work.

Work was hell. It was crazy busy. There was way too much for me to do. Customers were extremely rude. People just didn't care AT ALL that my wife was trying to give birth that day because they were too darn busy with their own busy, hellish lives. So needless to say I was stressed to the max. I couldn't have been more stressed.

When I got home my wife was still in labor. Poor woman. She tried. She gave it her all. She tried and tried and tried. By the time I got back from work she was absolutely exhausted and starving and just flat out suffering. Lots of it.

So by 8pm we were at the hospital.

After an easy, breezy c-section that, unlike other c-sections I was privy to did NOT feature hideous Saw-looking peeks inside my wife's stomach cavity, our beautiful baby Eleanor was born. It was all quick, too. About an hour after arriving at the hospital I had a baby holding onto my finger with a strong, vise like grip.

She was born at 9:09 pm which is a little less than an hour away from the "dream vision" timeframe that my wife had that told her when the baby would be born. But that's a different story. Eleanor was a whopping 10 lbs 3 Oz and a very lengthy 21 inches long, both of those stats probably being a result of our baby being over two weeks overdue. She had a long time to cook in there, is what I'm saying. She also has some beautiful dark blue eyes that my wife is reeeeeeeally hoping she gets to keep. We keep cranking out vaguely brownish babies. Natasha really wished for some blue eyes and a bit of blonde hair on this one.

So "the gang" showed up right about at the time of her birth. Maxwell and Bela were EXHAUSTED but they both got a chance to hold their baby sister. Visitors kept pouring in until about 1am. I slept that Friday night passed out on an uncomfortable couch next to my wife's bed and despite the utter uncomfortability-ishness of that damn couch I slept like the dead, interspersed with slight moments of wakefulness to change some very small diapers.

We have a new baby. And she's adorable.

Saturday was full of naps, full of eating, and full of visits with friends and family members. I saw Moonrise Kingdom on my phone. I read a little, this old sci-fi book I love. And I got to know a bevy of nice white female nurses. And I got to feel that great sensation that you get when a baby falls asleep on your chest. I missed that feeling.

Sunday is going to be busier. I have errands to run, places to go, dogs to feed and all that stuff. But the important thing is that I'm here right now with my wife and my daughter in this room. It's like a little time bubble, being here in this fairly new and surprisingly empty hospital. Hardly any patients. No loud noises. No worries. No work for me to run off to. It's like a small center of the universe right here. It's this adorable baby, my wife and I, right here in this room and the beautiful harmony inside of it.

I close at work on Monday.

Thankfully that seems so far away from now.

The Baby ...

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Dear Republicans: YOU WERE RIGHT ...




There's no doubt now that the evil and sinister Obama is about to take away all of your guns, lock up all the Christians, institute his evil death panels, and make himself an emperor! You were right and we dumb liberals were wrong. Why didn't we take your angry rants seriously? Why didn't we realize all the false flags? Why did we believe in science and book learnin'? Why were we so dumb as to treat Muslims like normal people?


It's already too late for us dumb, evil liberals, so you republicans go out and SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

Get all of your guns and your bug out kits and your Jim Bakker survival food buckets and your survivalist gold and go hide in your bunkers. Seal them tight, turn off all your electronics and your cell phones, and just wait it out.


The earth will no doubt fall into a hellish nightscape of post-apocalyptic terror, so you should stay hidden in your bunkers until AT LEAST NOVEMBER 9TH! That's how long it will take us dumb, stupid, Satan-loving liberals to overthrow the evil empire. So whatever you do, don't come out of your freedom bunkers before November 9th.

And don't worry about us evil liberals, evil gun haters, evil atheists, and evil lgbtq supporters.

Well try and make it ... somehow.

The Pope on Film Podcast
The Church of Ed Wood

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Super Go Baby Time (But Whennnnn????) ...

Well, having a viral Facebook post and a wildly popular blog post about how my local K-Mart is going to shit sure was fun. My blog has been viewed well over 13,000 times in the last two days. That might not seem big numbers to you but just take into account the fact that my blog was seen a little over 14,000 times last MONTH! As in, the entirety of the last month!

So yeeeeaaaah, this is kiiiiiinda big for me here.

Now I've got myself a little viral thing happening for myself here. It's neat. It's fun to see the stats go up and up and up on my dashboard. That's a really fun time waster and Wood know I need thing that waste time right now.

Sadly, tho, I'm up to my elbows with angry blog comments about how "racially offensive" I am to white people, which is ridiculous. Only in America can a latino get attacked and accused of being racist for pointing out a t-shit that's racially insensitive to latinos. It's sad. I'm deleting a crapload of comments from people angry with me for calling people rednecks. I'd feel bad about that were it not for the fact that as a brown skinned man living in the town of Racist, Oklahoma I'm constantly treated like shit by white people for the crime of not being white enough.

So sorry not sorry.

Redneck redneck redneck.


Gary young: Am I Insane?
Billy Joel: Pressure
The White Stripes: Why Can't You Be Nicer To Me?
Common Rider: Cool This Madness Down
Barenaked Ladies: Fight The Power


Lets try to forget about how much K-Mart is in decline and focus on the REALLY IMPORTANT thing here, this goddamn kid that won't come out of my wife's freaking womb!

The Shawnee hospital, which everyone tells us is shit, told us the baby was due on the 5th. No baby. The pregnancy app we've been using told us that the baby was due on the 8th. No damn baby.

Now it's the freaking 14th!!!!


Now there's an added ticking clock to this equation because there's a bunch of things right on the horizon ...

First off, my wife's birthday is this Thursday. We joked that the baby would wait for her birthday to come out but then we all laughed that off because there was NO WAY the baby would wait THAT LONG right?


Secondly, I go back to work this Saturday. I have a freaking storytime and everything. I work Saturday, have Sunday off, and then I am the acting receiving manager while the clean cut, straight shooting buckaroo that I share the job with is going camping or something. He's going on vacation, is what I'm trying to say here. And that means that in just a small number of days I am going to be thrown riiiiiiiiight back into the middle of lifting 40lb boxes and covering everyone's breaks.

So nowwwwww I, sadly, nervously, have to possibly come to terms with the fact that my two weeks of vacation time, that I took so that we could HAVE A BABY, was poorly timed and a bit of a freaking waste. I mean, I might go back to work having NOT HAD THE BABY! And I absolutely HATE TO go back to work here! They need me. They're on a skeleton screw enough as it is. I can't just up and take an INDEFINITE leave of absence here. I absolutely, positively, 100% neeeeeeeeeed to go back.


The clock is ticking, baby.

Whenever you're ready to come out.

Monday, June 13, 2016

So K-Mart Hates Me (UPDATED) ...

Hi. My name is Steve. I am a thirtysomething father, writer, manager, podcaster, and I am currently hated by a (fairly) major corporation.


K-mart hates my freaking guts right now.

Ok. Lets discuss this ...

So on Saturday I went to the local K-Mart. And I thought it was funny how old and crappy it looked, so I took a bunch of pictures and wrote a review of it.

Yesterday I posted my review right here. And then, just for shits and giggles and lol's, I decided to shoot a link of my review to the K-Mart twitter account. Was that an asshole move? I don't know. Maybe? But I was bored as hell and just said, awww, screw it. Whatever. Doesn't really matter, right?

Well, in 24 hrs it has been seen over 9,000 times. I got 8 comments on it so far, which is a lot for me and this little blog of mine. The usual amount of blog post comments I receive is between 0 and 1, so 8 is a lot. Sadly, I deleted a number of the comments because they were very angry, rude, and particularly aggressive towards me, as if I was the one to blame for their K-Mart store being pretty shitty. A few of them were from either former or CURRENT employees. One commenter actually said that I was an idiot for pointing out the shirts they had that were racist towards Mexicans when I later called people "drunken rednecks" or something like that because I was being racist towards white people. And that, good friends, is called white privilege. That's a white person making a clearly racist t-shirt all about how HARD IT IS to be WHITE! Give me a break!

And the best part?

One Kmart corporate Twitter account privately tweeted a message to another Kmart corporate account about how I was banned from commenting on their Facebook account, which I have never once done. BUUUUUT in doing so they accidentally tweeted it and used my actual Twitter handle @reverendsteve, thereby tagging me in their private corporate message! They quickly deleted it BUUUUUUT I get all my Twitter notifications via e-mail. SO! That means that I actually received an email informing me that the @KmartCares telling me that I was banned from commenting on their Facebook page.

How does a major(ish) corporation drop the freaking ball like this? That's just embarrassing. And sad.

And I would feel reeeeeeeeally bad about all of this if my review wasn't 1000% true


A major corporation hates me.

Sorry, but hey. At least everything I said was true. I have truth on my side here. It's not slander or libel if it's all true.

HUFFPO: Photos Of Kmart Disarray
BUSINESS INSIDER: 22 Depressing Kmart Photos


I'm just going to go to Walmart instead.