NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


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Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Thanksgiving Blues ...

It's Thanksgiving 2016 and I am currently sitting on a vaguely comfortable couch in the livng room of my in-laws house in the farthest outskirts of Seminole, Oklahoma. It's the afternoon and I am wonderng what special type of hell today will bring.

This place is like a goddamned black hole. It is an honest to god black hole. I get no cell phone reception at all, so no texts or phone calls whatsoever. Not that that matters, really, because it's not like I actually KNOW anyone who WOULD call or text me. Maaaaaybe my parents but prrrobably not.

My in-laws also have no internet here, so that's "fun." Actually, let me clarify ... they HAVE internet, technically, but it's so limited that they NEVER use it. And their internet becomes unlimited but ONLY from midnight to like 5am. I don't understand their internet. Why have it if you can never use it? But apparently they're sooooooo far away from normal human civilization here that they can't get any major internet company. They can only get strange backwoods "cuntry" internet. It's annoying and frustrating and I don't understand it, but it is what it is. There's no internet here.

I could turn on the date on my phone to AT LEAST check Facebook or something, But for some reason my phones don't get any data or roaming or anything out here in outer Seminole. And that's not fair because LITERALLY everyone else in this house has a phone that gets data BUT me. So when it's a holiday or when we decide to spend the date here, I am completely cut off from technology and it is absolutely maddening.

Point of order, I am currently writing this piece on a generic Notepad app on my laptop with plans to inoventually cut and paste this somewhere. Probably my blog. I was going to watch the new Lucha Underground or a movie or two on my laptop but I forgot my headphones, the new ones I got for myself that were quickly menifest destinied by the women in my life. So I think my heaphones are at home with my wife's computer. So, again, yay.

My in-laws have cable but only the absolute basic cable. And I think it goes without saying that I can never ever ever ever EVER have control of the television. I would LOVE to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade with my kids, a rare family tradition that has somehow escaped the dark ages of my childhood and has carried on into my kids' lives. But I don't get to watch anything while I'm here. Right now they're watching The Land Before Time 9 or 14 or whatever the fuck this is. They made a shit ton of these movies. The first one was great. It's a work of art. It was lovingly made and the animation was incredible. But ut all the other endless sequels were just cheap direct to video cash-ins with rushed animation and horrible musical numbers and they just keep getting worse and worse the more movies they make. And they own EVERY SINGLE SEQUEL at this house and they seem to play them on a loop.

(I would look up how many Land Before Time movies they've made but they don't have internet at this goddamn house.)

Now, on the rare occasion when there's NOT a Land Before Time sequel they are usually watching some home renovation show on some home renovation cable network that I didn't know existed. I hate these shows. I hate them with a passion. There's just no entertainment value there. Every episode is just a bunch of white people dealing with their expensive house. It's the WHITE PRIVELIDGE NETWORK. I can't stand it.

This Thanksgiving is going to be a strange one. Usually it's just us, my family and my wife's family. Occasionally a family from my in-law's church or a family friend. But regardless, it's usually a small, tight knit affair with the same people. This year, however, my brother-in-law Duane is gone. He moved back to California with his wife Lauren and his son, Jaden. They moves away a few months ago and now we're all silently dealing with the realities of the holidays without them. I personally don't care that they're gone but I worry about my son. Maxwell was best friends with Jaden. They spend a lot of time together. A LOT! So I worry about a Thanksgiving without them. Without Jaden.

There's also a bunch of new blood being thrown into the machine. My niece Deinna's boyfriend Christian. His family will be joining us. I know nothing of his family besides the apparent fact that his family fucking hates him. And there's a possibility that my new adopted daughter Amber's ghetto sister and her ghetto boyfriend might be joining us, too. That's a lot of ghetto. Then there's Nanah and Papaw's new kids. My in-laws have always wanted to adopt, despite the facts that they're broke and Nanah is allllllllllways suffering thru severe physical pain. So the addition of two foster kids to the house, one of which is a verrrrry small newborn, throws a wrench in things. There's a lot of new variables this year.

But besides the various unknowns, it's still a typical Thanksgiving here. I'm all alone and I will continue to be alone save for some random angry yells from my wife. Deinna and Emerald will be locked up in Dee's room. Natasha will be cooking and cleaning and arguing and helping and a million other things. She becomes a Tasha-nado and doesn't really have tme for me whenever she's here. I understand. Or I try to. Bela still gravitates towards the young children in the house, which is really sweet. She's growing, though, and developing quite an attitude to go with the growth. I worry how long she'll remain young, you know? Randal, the remaining brother-in-law, will be scretly drinking and loudly bitching about everything. He's an angry bitch and his attitude will be dragging everyone down. Oh, and he'll be shirtless most of the day. Nanah and Papaw will be stressing the fuck out and I will actively try to avoid them. And Amber will be helping. She's a sweetie.

Now Ferngully 2 is on! What is up with this family and crappy sequels?

Deinna is here. She's a freshman at a local college who is off for the holidays. I remember when she used to be a young little girl with a crush on me. And now I'm just her silly dumb uncle that she humors. It's sad and a bit annoying, honestly.

Now it's the evening. Seven at night. It's dark and chilly outside and things have mellowed out. I'm trying to finish watching Lucha Underground. The holidays, post feast, are always about trying to convince myself that I'm not having an asthma attack, that I'm just full. It's a difficult game. I'm trying to regulate, though, and trying not to think about how horrible work is going to be tomorrow.

Ths Thanksgiving was nice, I guess. It was certainlt a lot quieter without Duane and Lauren. And Christian's family never showed up so it ended up a nice, quiet, intimate affair. Lucha Underground was good, as always.

I miss my family sometimes, my parents. They always loved Thanksgiving.

I should clarify ... they're not dead. I just don't really talk to them. It's a long story.

I wonder how fucking bad tomorrow will be for me.

Happy Thanksgiving, I guess.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Baby Deja-Vu ...

I feel like I've done this dance before ...

My daughter Eleanor is three months old. She's over two feet tall and over fifteen pounds and she has a full set of hair. She is very advanced in terms of her weight and size and whatnot. This is no doubt due to the two and a half extra weeks that she spent inside her mom's womb like a slacker.

The baby is breast fed exclusively and as a result she is deeeeeeeeeeeeply attached to her mother almost all the time.

So that's why I'm worried.

You see, today my wife, who is trying to go back to school, has a midterm test she has to go do. So I am taking care of the baby for the two or so hours that my wife will be testing.

I have had this blog since 2002, so I'm prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrretty sure I've gone thru shiznittle like this before and blogged about it, about my fears and junk about taking care of such a young infant.

I'm not going to look for it, tho. You can do that yourself if you want.

I'm worried. To be honest, I'm reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally worried here. She has these super baby freakouts when mommy is gone, sometimes for something so small as mommy going to the bathroom without her, and her freak outs don't stop until mommy shows up to hold her. So having the baby for two and a half hours or so is going to be very difficult for me. I'm basically screwed.

But I should be ok. I should be alright. I've got breast milk and youtube and music and a shower. I'm fairly sure that I'll be fine.

I think.

(There's also the fact that my wife told me that she'd take the baby to her mom so she could take care of Eleanor. Then my wife changed her mind without telling me. So I was informed that I was in fact taking care of the baby last night, leaving me out in the cold. Like, maybe telling me I'm going to have the baby for hours all alone is something you should TELL ME about. But I don't want to get into it. I'm dealing with a lot of depression and stress right now, so dealing with my wife kiiiinda putting me on the spot isn't going to help me feel any better.)

I should be fine.

Hopefully.

Wish us luck.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

The Comments ...

I turned off the comments for a while.

I have a newborn baby. I have kids getting ready for school. I am working three times as hard as usual at work. I just had some serious dental work done. I'm working on a television show. And I am working hard on my awesome, offensive podcast.

I have a very busy life.

The last thing I need is to be attacked by dumbass fucking rednecks who can't take a fucking joke.

The K-Mart near my house is shit. I wrote a review because I thought it was funny. If you don't like it, white people, then tough fucking shit. It's my goddamn blog.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Story Of Our New Baby ...

So here's the story of our brand new baby girl. I'm writing this on a cramped rocking chair in a fairly nice little hospital room and I haven't gotten the best sleep. Sorry if the grammar and the spelling isn't perfect. BUT! If you've read this blog before then you know it NEVER is.

Things were tense for our family this past week. We reached the two week part of this overdue baby. My wife was miserable. I was at the very height of nervousness. And every conversation with someone outside of our circle went the same way. TWO WEEKS?! THAT'S CRAZY! WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED (blank)?! The same dance over and over again. And I'm a paranoid enough creature to begin with without everyone I know putting their two cents in.

Hell, one person actually said that a friend of a friend waited too long to go into labor and the baby DIED! HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HELP? What the hell, recycling guy? Not freaking cool!

My wife started feeling some very low labor pains around Thursday evening. So, to push things along, my wife decided that what was needed was for all of us to go out for a nice, biiiig dinner at Chili's followed by some good laps walking around our cavernous local Wallymarts.

By the time we got home that night my wife was in what we thought was active labor.

I thought it could be soon, the super go baby time, so I stayed up until almost 1am that Thursday. In retrospect, my thinking that the baby might possibly be on its way soonishness was foolishness. Positive thinking, I guess. Eventually my wife sent me to bed, knowing that my stubbornness would have led me to staying up allllllllllll night if she would have let me.

My wife, my poor poor wife, stayed up all night in pain. She woke me up at 445am on Friday to help her because she was in so much pain. So I woke up and stayed up with her, helping her out as much as I could until I aaaaabsoluely had to had to HAD TO go to work because we're running on a prrrrrretty thin skeleton crew and there's NO ONE that can cover for me. So I went to work.

Work was hell. It was crazy busy. There was way too much for me to do. Customers were extremely rude. People just didn't care AT ALL that my wife was trying to give birth that day because they were too darn busy with their own busy, hellish lives. So needless to say I was stressed to the max. I couldn't have been more stressed.

When I got home my wife was still in labor. Poor woman. She tried. She gave it her all. She tried and tried and tried. By the time I got back from work she was absolutely exhausted and starving and just flat out suffering. Lots of it.

So by 8pm we were at the hospital.

After an easy, breezy c-section that, unlike other c-sections I was privy to did NOT feature hideous Saw-looking peeks inside my wife's stomach cavity, our beautiful baby Eleanor was born. It was all quick, too. About an hour after arriving at the hospital I had a baby holding onto my finger with a strong, vise like grip.

She was born at 9:09 pm which is a little less than an hour away from the "dream vision" timeframe that my wife had that told her when the baby would be born. But that's a different story. Eleanor was a whopping 10 lbs 3 Oz and a very lengthy 21 inches long, both of those stats probably being a result of our baby being over two weeks overdue. She had a long time to cook in there, is what I'm saying. She also has some beautiful dark blue eyes that my wife is reeeeeeeally hoping she gets to keep. We keep cranking out vaguely brownish babies. Natasha really wished for some blue eyes and a bit of blonde hair on this one.

So "the gang" showed up right about at the time of her birth. Maxwell and Bela were EXHAUSTED but they both got a chance to hold their baby sister. Visitors kept pouring in until about 1am. I slept that Friday night passed out on an uncomfortable couch next to my wife's bed and despite the utter uncomfortability-ishness of that damn couch I slept like the dead, interspersed with slight moments of wakefulness to change some very small diapers.

We have a new baby. And she's adorable.

Saturday was full of naps, full of eating, and full of visits with friends and family members. I saw Moonrise Kingdom on my phone. I read a little, this old sci-fi book I love. And I got to know a bevy of nice white female nurses. And I got to feel that great sensation that you get when a baby falls asleep on your chest. I missed that feeling.

Sunday is going to be busier. I have errands to run, places to go, dogs to feed and all that stuff. But the important thing is that I'm here right now with my wife and my daughter in this room. It's like a little time bubble, being here in this fairly new and surprisingly empty hospital. Hardly any patients. No loud noises. No worries. No work for me to run off to. It's like a small center of the universe right here. It's this adorable baby, my wife and I, right here in this room and the beautiful harmony inside of it.

I close at work on Monday.

Thankfully that seems so far away from now.

The Baby ...

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Dear Republicans: YOU WERE RIGHT ...

DEAR REPUBLICANS,

YOU WERE RIGHT!

ABOUT ALL OF IT!

There's no doubt now that the evil and sinister Obama is about to take away all of your guns, lock up all the Christians, institute his evil death panels, and make himself an emperor! You were right and we dumb liberals were wrong. Why didn't we take your angry rants seriously? Why didn't we realize all the false flags? Why did we believe in science and book learnin'? Why were we so dumb as to treat Muslims like normal people?

WHY DIDN'T WE ALL TAKE JADE HELM and THE WISDOM OF ALEX JONES SERIOUSLY?!?!

It's already too late for us dumb, evil liberals, so you republicans go out and SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

Get all of your guns and your bug out kits and your Jim Bakker survival food buckets and your survivalist gold and go hide in your bunkers. Seal them tight, turn off all your electronics and your cell phones, and just wait it out.

SAVE YOURSELVES! YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!

The earth will no doubt fall into a hellish nightscape of post-apocalyptic terror, so you should stay hidden in your bunkers until AT LEAST NOVEMBER 9TH! That's how long it will take us dumb, stupid, Satan-loving liberals to overthrow the evil empire. So whatever you do, don't come out of your freedom bunkers before November 9th.

And don't worry about us evil liberals, evil gun haters, evil atheists, and evil lgbtq supporters.

Well try and make it ... somehow.

The Pope on Film Podcast
The Church of Ed Wood

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Super Go Baby Time (But Whennnnn????) ...

Well, having a viral Facebook post and a wildly popular blog post about how my local K-Mart is going to shit sure was fun. My blog has been viewed well over 13,000 times in the last two days. That might not seem big numbers to you but just take into account the fact that my blog was seen a little over 14,000 times last MONTH! As in, the entirety of the last month!

So yeeeeaaaah, this is kiiiiiinda big for me here.

Now I've got myself a little viral thing happening for myself here. It's neat. It's fun to see the stats go up and up and up on my dashboard. That's a really fun time waster and Wood know I need thing that waste time right now.

Sadly, tho, I'm up to my elbows with angry blog comments about how "racially offensive" I am to white people, which is ridiculous. Only in America can a latino get attacked and accused of being racist for pointing out a t-shit that's racially insensitive to latinos. It's sad. I'm deleting a crapload of comments from people angry with me for calling people rednecks. I'd feel bad about that were it not for the fact that as a brown skinned man living in the town of Racist, Oklahoma I'm constantly treated like shit by white people for the crime of not being white enough.

So sorry not sorry.

Redneck redneck redneck.

STRANGE ASIDE: HERE'S SOME FREE MUSIC FOR YOU ...

Gary young: Am I Insane?
Billy Joel: Pressure
The White Stripes: Why Can't You Be Nicer To Me?
Common Rider: Cool This Madness Down
Barenaked Ladies: Fight The Power

So!

Lets try to forget about how much K-Mart is in decline and focus on the REALLY IMPORTANT thing here, this goddamn kid that won't come out of my wife's freaking womb!

The Shawnee hospital, which everyone tells us is shit, told us the baby was due on the 5th. No baby. The pregnancy app we've been using told us that the baby was due on the 8th. No damn baby.

Now it's the freaking 14th!!!!

WHAT THE HELL, BABY?!?!

Now there's an added ticking clock to this equation because there's a bunch of things right on the horizon ...

First off, my wife's birthday is this Thursday. We joked that the baby would wait for her birthday to come out but then we all laughed that off because there was NO WAY the baby would wait THAT LONG right?

RIGHT???

Secondly, I go back to work this Saturday. I have a freaking storytime and everything. I work Saturday, have Sunday off, and then I am the acting receiving manager while the clean cut, straight shooting buckaroo that I share the job with is going camping or something. He's going on vacation, is what I'm trying to say here. And that means that in just a small number of days I am going to be thrown riiiiiiiiight back into the middle of lifting 40lb boxes and covering everyone's breaks.

So nowwwwww I, sadly, nervously, have to possibly come to terms with the fact that my two weeks of vacation time, that I took so that we could HAVE A BABY, was poorly timed and a bit of a freaking waste. I mean, I might go back to work having NOT HAD THE BABY! And I absolutely HATE TO go back to work here! They need me. They're on a skeleton screw enough as it is. I can't just up and take an INDEFINITE leave of absence here. I absolutely, positively, 100% neeeeeeeeeed to go back.

Dammit.

The clock is ticking, baby.

Whenever you're ready to come out.