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Thursday, November 21, 2002

Strange scenes like from someone else's dream.


MOOD: glazed over

BACKGROUND: South Park Season 1


Like some bizzare play that I finding myself acting a part in. It's like I've been awake for days dancing this strange dance at some club I'm not familiar of and I'm so tired, so exhausted, but I'm too scared too go to sleep. Or perhaps I'm asleep and I'm too scared to wake up.


My life is good. I know that. I'm feeling happier, healthier. Feeling good about myself. Things are great.


That doesn't mean things are perfect, though. Still a lot of anger. Still a lot of yelling. Some unforgivable things that can never be erased. Some dark spots that are like chasms that I don't think will ever be forgotten no matter what. I realized that I was going to find myself in a position like this one when I fell in love with a married woman. I walked into a bear trap when I first met her eyes across the bar, when I first put my arm around her and told her how great she looked, when I first kissed her.


It's like I'm running this marathon, you know? Drama like in high school but more intense, more personal, and with lives on the line. Drama played out amongst bad music and warm beer and cigarette smoke. And throughout all this tension, all this drama, all this chaos, I know I shouldn't be smiling. I know I shouldn't be happy. But I guess I am.


Crazy.

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