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Friday, December 6, 2002

Single, sober, and wanting to die: the Reverend Steve story.


MOOD: exhausted and wired

BACKGROUND: DMB "Busted Stuff"


Last time I posted something here, my Col broke up with me and indefiance I decided to go on the date anyway - instead of going to the big concert with her, I went alone, right?


Well, wrong.


I went on a bender. Not just any bender but a classic movie bender. I was at the concert alone and sad, my heart broken yet again, and I had a beer and then two and the three, just me alone and hurt, getting so drunk that I think I got into a fight and I think I was kicked out sometime around midnight. Yeah. I got drunk and drunk and drunk and I knew all the bands there personally and they didn't help so they started buying me drinks and drinks and drinks and sometime around the second band I don't remember anything. Don't remember a single goddamm thing. Don't know how I got home, but apparently I drove home. Almost got into an accident, I think.


I had a bender and almost died.


Again!


So today is sober day seven.


Yeah, I'm sober Steve now.


This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do ever. Clean and sober, cold turkey, not a drop for seven straight days. I have a drinking problem and I need to stop drinking before I kill myself or kill someone else. So I'm done. No more. Sober day seven. When I think back at last weekend I get so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I am not going to flush my life down the drain anymore. I am going to live.


First off, let me tell you the truth ... being clean and sober is probably the worst thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. Hell, I wouldn't wish this on Hitler, ok? This is bad, the shaking and the crying and the sweating and the panic attacks, and this mixed with the fact that the woman I spent the past month fighting for broke up with me. Damm This is bad. I drank every night, every single night. I would get drunk pretty much every night for the past two, three years. Now, going cold, this is bad.


I want a beer every goddamm second of every goddamm day.


That's why I won't have one.


Day seven.

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