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Saturday, December 21, 2002

Sober day 22 (got my math wrong yesterday) and the drama continues.


MOOD: strangely excited

BACKGROUND: Jimmy Page/Robert Plant "No Quarter"


I don't want to say that this is a date, because if I do say that it is, then this invisible cloud of stress will just flow all over me and I really don't want that right now. I have been trying not to stress out, not to focus too much on negativity, and try to center myself in peace and focus only on the here and now.


But Bobbie and I are going out tonight.


Thing is ... the big Him, the husband of the woman I found myself dating a month or two ago, he tried to go out with Bobbie and date her back when "the fit hit the shan" so to speak a while back. And I know for a fact that the Him invited Bobbie over to his place tonight to "watch emovies and hang out." But apparently, she would rather hang out with me tonight, go out with me and spend time with me.


Can you see my male ego all swelled up from where you are?


And the thing is, Bobbie is so incredibly beautiful. I take her out, hang out with her, this 24 year old tall blonde woman that looks like a model, a woman that men just stare at and hit on and buy drinks for all night, and this woman looks like someone from the WWE only beautiful. And when I'm out somewhere with her all I can think is "Why is this woman with me?"


But lately, she's just become my bestest friend. I hung out in her bedroom, smoke some weed with her, play with her dogs, dance with her at the club, listen to her read some of her poetry, and she seems to have really latched on to me as a real confidant. Makes me feel really special, really important, strangely good about myself.


The only thing is, how will the Him take being dissed by Bobbie because she'd rather spend the night with me? And is there some sort of spark, some romantic thing between Bobbie and me?


Don't care. Don't give a fuck. Like the Tao of Steve. I'm just living in the now, being me in this moment, and I'm not going to bend for anyone. Bobbie wants to spend the night with me? Great. I'm not going to be clingy, not going to try too hard, not going to blow this into a big thing, not going to let my low self esteem destroy my night. Going to go out, have fun, be myself, and that's that.


No Bullshit.

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