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Monday, February 17, 2003

Holding on to shadows keeps me from walking into the light.


MOOD: tiredlongingcontenthorny

BACKGROUND: Ash "Nu-Clear Sound"


Desperately clutching on to fog, to shadows and dreams that aren't really there, trying to make myself believe that they're real, that they are something that I can hold on to, some last shred of hope, when all that I'm doing is stopping myself from any real growth, putting a subconscious break on any forward movement inside myself.


The best way that I can describe it is that by explaining the first time I rode on Space Mountain. I was so scared of going on it. I was shaking, teeth chattering, my heart racing like a motherfucker, my hands all sweaty. Me trying to force back tears. I was never one for the dark and for roller coasters, even more so when I was younger. And eventually when I was at the front of the line, I just started crying and I refused to get on the ride. Eventually, my friends went on the ride and I waited for them at the exit crying. It was two years until I went back to Disneyland and had a chance for vindication but what matters is that yes, I did eventually get on that ride and yes, I had a great damn time.


Now, fuck, that's my favorite ride in Disneyland and I ride it over and over again and i feel like such a fucking idiot for being so scared to ride it and being so frightened about it. And yet, still to this day, no matter who I'm with, what the situation, no matter how old I am, I'll be in line, what, thirteen, fourteen years later, a man in my mid-twenties, and I'll be in line and out of nowhere I'll be punched in the gut by that pinch of fear, that pinch of a little brown kid with glasses crying, refusing to get on the ride, and for a few seconds, I'll try my damdest not to be scared as all fuck.


That's how I feel right now. Here's an example ... had a dream last night about Debby, about my estranged ex-fiance. In the dream, we were hand in hand walking around Metrocenter Mall, walking around the huge parking lot and surrounding shops. It was a hot summer day and we were holding hands and walking and just talking and it felt so damn good. I woke up feeling happy, feeling refreshed, chipper, ready to take on the whole empire myself. Almost felt in love again. And after a few hours, the happiness turned to hurt, to loneliness, to sadness that I don't have that happiness in my life anymore, that I have to gleam it from some dream inside my head.


Got out of work at around 11:45 pm, a little bit before midnight. It was about fifty degrees outside and to a man from the desert that's absolute nut-freezing cold. My breath was shooting out in long mysts and I was feeling like my head was dragging behind my body, so I decided not to go home directly but to drive around, see the lights and the fog and the city for a while, explore this strange place I've been in for a year, try at least a little bit to expand my miniscule driving comfort radius. And just like all those times in Phoenix where I would get out of church or get out of work at the video store and decide to "just drive" and end up near Sarah's house or Susan's house or Debby's house, wouldn't you know it that eventually I was in Collyne's neighborhood driving around, falsely praying for a sighting to happen that I knew wasn't going to happen.


It was only for about a minute or two. And it wasn't like I was staring into her window or anything because I'm not crazy stalker boy here. I'm just a little man who wants what he doesn't have and has what he doesn't want. Story of my life.


Eventually drove away from her neighborhood, realizing what a stupid fucking idiot I was. Forced myself to go to a Safeway and get myself some candy, some ice cream, some frozen food, some soda (and at midnight on a sunday - can you tell that I'm single yet) and I don't know how or why but when I started driving home I just seemed to have a spring in my step, a shitty, pernicious little grin on my lips, and a strange feeling of contentment that came from nowhere and is seemingly staying with me for a while. Which is cool. I welcome it. Nice to have company.


But that's me, that's Steve, that's Reverend Sober Steve-O, trying to hold on to shadows, on his knees in tears when all he should do is just get on the roller coaster and let himself have some fun.


Coulda gotten laid last night. You know the women I talk about, the ones that with just a pinch of subtle, chess-like strategy, I could end up having them fuck my brains out? Well, this is a different one, a casual friend for quite some time now, that hopenly and honestly wanted to take me home and fuck the shit out of me. And I ended up not riding Space Mountain again. Why? Thoughts of Debby, thoughts of Collyne, thoughts of Sarah, thoughts of happiness, the happiness I had with women, the love I miss, the love I want back. Bullshit like that.


And what I should have done is just take a deep breath, try to let go, detach myself for once, and just let myself have some fucking fun. Stop trying to hold on to things that can't stay. Stop sitting at the bus stop as the past drives away. Always been the sort of guy who slowly gets into the cold water in the pool, the guy who gets in a little bit at a time, slowly, painfully, drawn out.


I gotta learn to just jump the fuck in.

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