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Saturday, February 8, 2003

While I was dating, I always fantasized single life as a hot, steamy romance novel, not a boring episode of Montel like it is now.


MOOD: quiettiredconfused

BACKGROUND: Kids in the Hall


First off, my four-time ex Col and her big HIM ex-boyfriend/husband, now and forever known as the lovebirds are still ignoring me. That's a constant thorn in my side, the fact that a mere two/three weeks ago, she was telling me how she wanted to spend the rest of my life with me. And now here I am, tired and confused and trying to deal with being ignored. Trying to put that into a proper sort of perspective, reading self-help books on letting go and all that. Trying to just chalk that one up to all the other ones, ruining things with Sarah and Debby. The list goes on and on.


My only hope that one day in the future, she comes back to be and breaks my heart again, making her a five-time ex, so that I can say five time, five time, five time, five time, five time ex, just like Booker T says when he's talking about being five-time WCW champion. That would be really cool, real rock star.


So that's that.


Halfway went to the bar tonight just to see if they were there, just so that I could have friends to talk to, someone to stare at. I know that's depressing, but that's the truth. I'm going through a really rough transitional time right now, what with my quitting drinking and eating healthy and working out and taking my hand towards poetry and songwriting and all that, just trying to better myself. Wish I had some real friends, like they were. Sure, the three of us are in a horrible triangle that would make Shakespeare buy me a beer, but above all we've been through, we've been friends. And I miss them.


Up next, there's the hot, tall, beautiful young woman co-worker of mine who occasionally wants me. The only negative part about this situation is that she acts just like that towards me - she occasionally wants me, occasionally wants to just take me home and ravish me sexually between pangs of guilt over her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend whatever thing. It feels good to have a woman, a beautiful young woman who wants me, who I like and who likes me. I haven't really had that for a while and it feels really good, makes me feel better about myself, plus I really do have these subconsciously strong feelings for her.


But, like I said, she occasionally wants me. There's this other man in the equation thatconfuses things. I always have another man in the situation that fucks things up, whether it's an angry white father or the Big HIM or the angry ex, it's always something with me and my sad, pathetic attemps at love. And it's also my low self-esteem, but I'm trrying to work with that. It just doesn't help that I keep putting myself into these sad, lonely nights.


There's another woman in my life. She's nice, kind, funny, honest, open, and she just hangs over every inch of me and every single thing I do. The only problem is that she is older than me. In fact, she's much much much much MUCH older than I am. And when I see her and spend time with her, which is really quite rare, I know that with just a little bit of effort on my part I could easily transition things into a night of incredibly dirty, hardcore, kinky sex. Easily. The age thing, though, is really something that I just cannot get past, although every time I see her, which is indeed very rare, I think about just letting myself go into the moment and let myself have sex.


I feel that I need to have someone. Does that make any sense? Before all this bizarro crap with Col, I was with Deb, which was about two and a half years of love. Before that, there was two/three years with Sarah, then a year and a half with Susan. And, in retrospect, the single moments I had in-between these women was no more than a month or two as I literally just skyrocketed from love of my life to love of my life. I haven't been single and alone for years now, I think since I was in high school, and goddammit if I wasn't miserable in high school.


Now that I'm older, more mature, I don't know step fucking one about dating, about meeting people, about finding a nice, kind, SINGLE girl and initiate the dating process. And now that I'm older and more mature I'm at this bizarre impass wherein I find myself single and wanting a woman to spend my life with and yet wondering at the exact same time if I really need someone, another woman, in my life right now. I think that at this point in my life I should really be single and yet for every second I'm single I just want to be holding hands with a woman and talking with a woman and holding a woman and having a woman hold me, someone to bond with and have fun with and get into kooky adventures with.


I suck big fat brown mexican ass right now. Me, a nice, kind, sensitive, single man with a sex drive that could kill a small buffalo. Damm, maybe I should start drinking again.


I say that with only a pinch of seriousness, really, I do.


Well, if you haven't seen it yet, my acting debut is available as an on-line life action web serial at Feast of Fools Films and it's pretty good, really it is. New chapters appear every two weeks. Chapter two, which I am not in, just premiered a day or two ago and although it does not feature the latino heat it's a great scene writingwise and actingwise and worth a look.


I'm just a bit nervous, though. Chapter three will be available in less than two weeks and it features the female lead, the young, sexy vixen who uses anything and anyone to get what she wants, right? And it's my ex-fiance, Deborah. And I haven't seen her in almost a year now, her living in Phoenix and me living in Cowtown, California. I think that just might be a pretty painful week, especially if it's one of those nude scenes I was quietly upset about back when we were dating and filming this sucker.


Getting tired now. Good night, whoever you are.

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