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Monday, June 2, 2003

Why the hell do I have this stupid fucking on-line diary - that is the question for today.


MOOD: silent

BACKGROUND: The Knockoffs "Sell the Move"


Ever since I was a child as far back as I can remember I've always been writting everything down. Always with a pen and a piece of paper folded up in my back pocket, writting down what happens to me and what's going on around me, what people say and what interesting things happen in my life. Always. And I've been writing diaries and journals ever since I was in third grade, constantly writing down the happenings in my life, ever last detail. In my 26 years of living, I must have gone through about fifty different books.


And always, ALWAYS, eventually I have had to destory it, to throw it away, to burn it to the ground or rip it to shreds and throw it in a trash can somewhere. So out of the fifty or so books I've written, I probably have about two or three still intact. Why? Let me tell you something - the most dangerous man in the world is the man who writes down his deepest innermost feelings on to paper, the man who writes down every single thing that happens to him every day. Trust me. I've been in this scenario so many times before. Eventually, someone will see what you've written and expose you, point fingers at you, ask you to explain yourself, ask for an apology, and look at you forever through a different set of eyes.


And I am not writing this to make any one person feel guilty or angry or upset. I am not writing this in spite or in anger or anything like that. It's just the truth. This scenario I'm in right now I've been in at least twenty, thirty, fifty times before. I never mean to hurt anyone. I just spend all my life pouring my innermost soul out on to the page, sometimes admitting only on to paper what I have never even admitted to myself. It's the total unmitigated truth from my own innermost soul and I've been doing it for 26 years. I am a quiet, shy, simple sort of guy but on paper I scream, I get angry, I yell, I scratch my ass, I call brown people spicks, I call white people hicks, and I don't worry about offending anyone, whereas in real life I'm way too much of a nice guy, apologizing for everything and trying to please everyone. Sorry. That's me. I am a writer, an observer, one who writes to try and better himself. That's me.


I am sorry that anyone might be offended with anything I have written here. But I am not sorry with any singe solitary thing I've written here and I will not apologize for anything I have ever written here. This is my soul, all poured out onto this computer keyboard. To apologize for that is to apologize for who I am and I cannot do that because I am who I am. I cannot apologize for myself being myself. Sorry.


And yet, here I am again in this oh-so-familiar scenario. And I must ask this to myself: why do I have this on-line diary? Honestly, why is this here? Why am I constantly writing about every intricate detail of my personal and private life on the internet for everyone to freely read it? Why whould anyone be that fucking stupid? Is it because of my whole Reverend Steve complex, my idea that I am someone more important than I really am, that somehow by writting my entire life out here in this blog that it will somehow help people? And is that all just bullshit? I don't know. I honestly don't know why I have this on-line diary other than I have to have it, just like I created my own religion in 1996, it was just something I did, something that I have to do, something laid out before me that just somehow came together in a way that I don't fully understand.


It's just something I do, something that I have to do. Sorry.


Now, normally, this is the part where, to stop further idiotic incidents like this from ever occuring again, I throw the journal in the trash or, in this case, just delete it from the web, erase it like a ghost, and destory every single late, tired night writing on my crappy little laptop computer in my kitchen. But this time, I'm not going to do that. I don't know why. I think it's because I believe that this blog, this diary I have here, is important, not because I think Reverend Steve is so important, but because this is honesty and truth and freedom and it's just who I am and unlike so many times past when a family member or a girlfriend has read my diary, I will not simply throw it away because this is who I am and you cannot just throw away who you are.


"Visions are worth fighting for. Why waste your life making someone else's dreams?"


I'm sorry anyone got offended, but I am not sorry I offended anyone. Sorry.