BACKGROUND: Magnetic Fields "69 Love Longs vol. III"
I get so sad and angry down and depressed and self-loathing and lonely and shy and quiet and mad at work whenever I have to close. I stand next to my desk all alone in the cavernous children's depertment watching white families start to walk into my section, see me, then turn around to find a nice looking white person that can help them find what they need. So I stand there and write in my little red diary and find things to do. I just get so sad and lonely and that always leads me towards thinking about how stupid I am and all the mistakes I've ever made in the past and then that sends me down an even deeper road.
So I'm updating my blog because I don't want to take a shower because I don't want to get dressed because I don't want to go to work. Mornings are fine, nice, easy, productive, busy. But the night shifts just kill me. And they have me closing every sunday night now, which usually means that the only people I see in kids are white families after church who give me the UUGH face when they see a skinny long-haired mexican man in charge of the kids department OR I get the assholes using the kids tables to read wedding magazines or study. I used to kick them out and now I don't care as long as there's no kids in kids.
So I've made me some coffee and I've whipped out the Magnetic Fields and I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared for work. I mean, I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything. My life is fine, as fine as it can be. But closing shifts crush me.
You know what would cheer me up? Besides Natasha and Marisa in a bra and panties match?
If you were to go out right now and buy me the 7th Anniversary Halloween issue of Rue Morgue magazine with the article about me that my store won't have on sale until this tuesday, forcing me to wait with baited breath and eaten fingernails.
That would make me feel better. That and the wrestling match. Wish me luck at work.