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Sunday, May 30, 2004

I'm finally getting used to being happy and it feels excellent.


MOOD: feelinggreatasallhell

BACKGROUND: Ed Wood's "Orgy of the Dead"


I just read my entire blog, this entire thing, all the archives right from the beginning on to now.


And man, did I ever had a rough 2002-2003, man, Jesus fucking Christ!


I was happy and sad and happy and sad and then I found someone but she broke up with me something around nine times and then I had a bender and got sobered up and then I got laid a few times and then I was depressed again and I wandered lonely through the streets of Sacramento looking for love and finding nothing and then there was "the cable guy" situation when an ex tried to come back to me and her guy found out and tried to kill me and then I got frightened and scared and that got me even more sobered up.


It's messed up stuff, my archives. It's full of beers and violence and love and sex and depression and happiness and a few funny parts in the mix as well. It's entertaining, if anything, even if all the painful stuff happened to me. Go ahead and read through it if you ever have a spare hour or two. It's the stuff that bad romance novels are made of.


I like how it ends, though, or at least I like how it's been going for the past year now. I've found a woman who actually loves me unconditionally and won't get angry with me when I ramble on about Ed Wood or when I get really into Animal Crossing and, most importantly, a woman who won't leave me for their ex. I've found Natasha and I've become a better man and beyond that I've become a father to her daughter Emerald, and I can honestly say that the gift of fatherhood is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.


Suddenly my life, which was once filled with closing the bar every single night, getting five hours of sleep, getting to work, and then sleeping the day away until it's time to go to the bar, has been replaced with potty training and an endless supply of Spongebob Squarepants.


I would trade that shitty kareoke music for Spongebob any goddamn day!


So now I'm happy. I am! I am actually happy. And that is just amazing to me, smiling and laughing and having fun and being a daddy. It's almost scarry to see myself having a good time. Being happy is so shocking to me that I'm actually consciously trying to get used to it. So let's go through this ...


First off, no more loud, smokey, depressing nights at the bar. Nice one! Now don't get me wrong. Ddon't read this the wrong way and try and kick my ass. The people at the dirt bar are all wonderfull people and I miss them each and every day. It was great, especially during my depression phase, to be able to walk into a bar where everyone knew who I was and was willing to talk to me. That is a precious gift and I was glad to have it. But at the same time, I would rather be changing diapers than smoking and drinking right now. Sorry, guys. One day, I'll come back and see all you guys again. One day in the far, far future. But now, I'm watching Spongebob.


Secondly, no more "guy wanting to kill me" crap. That was just pathetic, that whole "cable guy" situation - and, by the way, click here for the start of the story and when you're done with that, click right here for the rest of the story, the part that has to do with the anger and the violence. I'm not going to say that it wasn't my fault. What WAS my fault was falling for a woman who was already taken (their broken-up status changed hourly) whose man was a violent, crazy madman. But that is all the past and finally I can laugh about it and raise my arms high in victory because all that bullshit is over.


I feel better about myself. I feel like I can take over the world. I feel like I could take on the entire empire myself, is what some Star Wars extra once said and that's how I feel. I feel like Ed Wood must have felt when he was making Glen or Glenda. Nothing can stop me. I feel invincible.


Before I go, though, I have to share this with you ...


There's a web site that calls itself Dei Gratia. It's a Catholic-stinking website featuring Jesus-humping news, Jesus-humping blogs, and various other Jesus-humping bullcrap. They say that they provide "daily thoughts on Catholicism and Church life." Gee whillikers, that sure does sound like a gosh darn hoot, don't it? That's Catholic-ese for bland, boring, unexciting and I'd be suprised if there's one single picture of a black or asian person on the whole web site.


Well, some ignorant little bitch put a little blurb on their web site about my web site, the eight year old Church of Ed Wood. They linked to my main site, my list of holy days, my page for on-line baptisms, and my rocking Ed Wood music site. They even linked, very smugly I might add, to my own blog, the page you're looking at right now.


They finish it all up with this quote ... "Someone please tell me they're not serious."


So I posted a comment at the bottom of all that. Now, at the end of it, signed Reverend Steve Galindo of the Church of Ed Wood, it says "We're serious."


Check it out here for a laugh!


Keep it real, Woodites!