NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, November 22, 2004

As soon as things finally start to get back to normal in my life, I have to do something as crazy as fly to Phoenix to visit my family.


MOOD: frightenednervoushungry

BACKGROUND: my daughter pretending to be Princess Fiona


So I'm here trying to pack. I'm here at my future mother-in-law's house. I WOULD be watching wrestling but, as I learned the hard way through the works of the Debby administration, professional wrestling is depressing as all hell to watch alone. Even with beer. Even when the Hurricane is on.


So I'm here in front of their computer (the girls - Emerald and her cousin) are using the big people chairs and instead of kicking them out I'm sitting in a little toddler chair trying not to panic. I am so scared of flying. I am so frightened about tomorrow. I am so scared to get on that plane. I'll probably have to down myself a few Steveweisers before I get on the airplane.


What makes it a bit more difficult is that even though I am deathly afraid of flying - and this is my first flight at night - I will have to act brave because this is Emerald's first plane trip. She is so excited, too. She is a million times braver, as two years old, than I will ever be in my entire life. So she's excited and I'm frightened. Great. I'm being pussied out by my own daughter.


Added to all this is my own fear about going back to Arizona and staying with my parents. This will be the first time, really, that I will be a parent around my parents. Because as I have been becoming a parennt, becoming a father to Natasha's daughter, my parents were moving to Phoenix and barely speaking to me. So I'm nervous. And frightened. And trying to pack. Well, in all reality it's my future mother-in-law that's really doing most of the packing while I type and try not to cry.


Wish me luck.

Saturday, November 6, 2004

It's frightening to think that after eight years of what seemed like yelling at a brick wall, the wall is finally beginning to crumble and my message is finally starting to reach a large amount of people .


MOOD: toothachefromhell

BACKGROUND: loud kids and arguing


The big news is that there's an article about me and my church in the November 15th issue of the National Enquirer. That just blows my mind. Literally. I just have absolutely no concept whatsoever of what's going on in my life right now. My life has started changing. Changing for the better. It's changing the way i always dreamed it would but, now that its happening, I never actually though it would happen.


I've been running The church of Ed Wood for eight years now and for most of that time no one has seemed to care other than a very small minority of like minded people who agreed with me and with what I had to say. But suddenly, out of nowhere, it seems as if the whole world is listening.


Most of my life is exactly the same as it has been. I hardly eat anything. I have the world's worst toothaches. I've been losing myself in my work at the bookstore. I'm in charge of the children's section. It's my own personal cave where I can hide from the rest of the world. I get to read kids books and do storytimes and color and forget things. And my family life is wonderful. I'm engaged now to my wonderful girlfriend Natasha. We're going to get married and have a child so that our daughter Emerald can have a younger brother. So things have been great.


But things are changing for me. I have my picture in magazines we sell at my work, for shit's sake. I'm in THE National Enquirer. That's so big that I can't even begin to put it into perspective. Suddenly, people are starting to recognize me. Suddenly deals are being made. Suddenly I'm scheduling interviews with major magazines. That's scary to me. That's frightening. I don't have a single clue how to even begin to deal with all this.


So my life is exactly the same except with me screaming into the night sky except now people are actually listening to me scream. That's frightening to me.