NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


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Tuesday, May 31, 2005

We had our second ultrasound today, I'm happily married, I might transfer to another store, and I plan on giving Fatty Arbuckle a chance at the championship title soon.


MOOD: tiredwiredandhorny

BACKGROUND: Pink Floyd "The Wall (Part Two)"


So, let's go down the list. Number one. My wife Natasha and I (and it rocks so much ass that I can say "my wife" now) went to the radiology center and we got us some sweet ass black and whites of our soon to be baby. It was an incredible moment. Sure this was our second ultrasound but the last one we had was when Tasha was eight weeks and one day pregnant. The baby looked like a grainy black and while polaroid of a peanut. Now you can see the face and the head and the feet. It was a moving experience. The spine stood out like it was stolen from Mecha Godzilla. I could see it chewing. Chewing. That's what the dumpy white trash den mother doctor lady said. I think that the baby was really just talking to itself. Just like its daddy.


I said "it's" right now. That is sure to piss off a number of people. We didn't find out the sex of the baby. Personally, I like it that way. In an age where science can do frightening things, I think it's nice to let some things come naturally. This is sure to piss off a number of people, mainly my parents who somehow don't seem to believe me when I say that we don't know the sex yet. My mom actually told me "Well, I think you're lying because you're due in September and so is Brittney Spears and I saw that she knows what sex her baby is so there's no reason why you shouldn't know." My mom speaks in run-on sentances.


Secondly, I am happily married, thank you. I never thought that life could ever be this good, and this is coming from a person who spent a good amount of their teenage years wearing black and smoking cloves and reading poetry at a booth at Denny's, so coming from me that means a lot. Surprisingly, I'm not surprised that I'm married as much as I'm surprised that I'm not surprised that I'm married. I never thought I'd ever get married but now that I am it just feels so right. I've never been this happy before, especially now that we're fully moved into our big new house.


Oh hell yeah!


HOUSE! I HAVE A FUCKING HOUSE!!!


Holy revolting crack popes how I love my life.


Thirdly, I am the best at what I do and what I do is get myself busy as a full time father, minister and corporate bookseller. I'm in charge of the kid's section of a bookstore and despite NOT being a boring middle aged white woman, which all heads of the children's section are, I am incredibly good. I'm the best, quite frankly, and anyone who has been to one of my storytimes or who has heard the volume level of a meeting of the Harry Potter club knows this as a fact. In fact, another corporate bookstore in town just had a lead position open up in its children section and the powers that be in the store are barganing for me to come over there.


Wow. I wonder how all those date raping seventeen year old future NBA superstars feelwhen teams are fighting for them. The truth is, I have hit my own self-imposed glass wall. If I was gunning for promotions like my friend Nicholas is, I could have had like nine promotions by now. Hell, I could have been a store manager or a community relations manager by now were it not for the fact that in order to take the kids section away from me they'd have to pry it from my cold, brown, dead hands.


There's no way I can get higher up without giving up what I'm best at and what I'm best at is working in the kid's section. So I'm basicaly just impressing people and waiting for my yearly raise. So I told a certain store manager at the prospective bookstore today that if they could give me a raise then I would seriously consider transferring. The only things that are stopping me are the relationships I have forged with all of my co-workers.


I am an extremely strange individual, me, the long-haired skinny mexican founder of the Church of Ed Wood and now husband and father. But somehow I've found a workplace that accepts my church, listens to my offensive ramblings, does not get frightened too much at my INTENSELY DISTURBING refridgerator art, and allows me the freedom to say and do whatever I please. Just a few days ago I called our receiving manager "a smooth pimp who loves the pussy." That rocks ass. WIll this OTHER store allow me to call semi-managerial types a bunch of smooth pimps who love the pussy? I think not.


And finally, I plan on ONCE AGAIN starting up my old wrestling federation. I'm somewhat embarrased about this. It is something that is shrouded in secrecy, a wrestling federation so secret and exclusive that only five or ten people in this ENTIRE PLANET know about it's existance. This is a wrestling federation that had it's heyday in 1998 and 1999 but abruptly stopped around the beginning of the century. There it has lied dormant for many years. But unpacking all my crap these past few weeks, I just happened to have stumbled on to a few old matches.


It occured to me that after Fatty Arbuckle lost his first round championship tournament match to Jesus Christ, he seemed to dissappear. That's a shame because I remember Fatty and he was a darn good wrestler, almost as good as some of the federation's champions like God, Satan, The Choir Boy, Elvis Presley, and even myself. he held the championship title for only a week in March of 1999 but then he lost it the next week in a 4-way-dance between himself, The Choir Boy, God and Levar Burton. And that's a shame.


So I'm bringing it back, the Galindo Video Wrestling Association, the only place where Satan, Adolph Hitler, Malcom X, Ed Wood, Moses, Abe Vigoda, Jesus, and Ho Chi Minh (to name but a few) wrestle famous wrestlers and the people I know.


It was my personal little geekfest, changing all the characters on WWF NO MERCY for the N64 to historical characters and people I know, having them wrestle each other and then writing out the results like some sort of wrestling magazine from hell. Well, it's been five years but it's coming back. And it's coming back right here!


Check back soon for more information on the GVWA. If you have any cool, insaine, homorous or offensive wrestler ideas, e-mail them to me at ReverendSteve@edwood.org. Meanwhile, here are some pictures of my soon-to-be-born baby ...








AND REMEMBER ... ED WOOD SAVES!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"a smooth pimp who loves the pussy"
Now why weren't you around to sign my highschool yearbook? -JEC