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SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, July 4, 2005

(a blank screen for about ten seconds, then a shot of a packed arena cheering, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Baudelaire" by ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead)


"Welcome to GVWA Hardcore Homecoming, our first fake pay-per-view in over five years! Tonight you are going to witness the rebirth of America's premiere fictitious professional wrestling federation as it rises from the ashes like a phoenix. So, let's stop the pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."


AN "I QUIT" DIRECTOR'S MATCH:

Ed Wood VS Afred Hitchcock


The music by Bernard Herrmann from the film "Psycho" signaled Afred Hitchcock's entrance into the arena. Hitchcock, the fat American director, came out to a massive chorus of boos, letting everyone at home know that this was a pro-Ed Wood arena. The theme from "Plan 9 from Outer Space" played next and the crowd went wild. But after a full minute of music, no one came out. No Ed Wood. The crowd was confused. What gives?

Suddenly, a ref came running out from the back with a sheet of paper. he gave it to the ring announcer who read it to himself, then brought the mic up to his mouth. "Ladies and gentlemen, we sincerely apologize ... but Ed Wood will NOT be participating in tonight's director's match." A chorus of boos fills the arena as the ring announcer catches his breath. "We are sorry but Ed Wood has dropped out of the match, stating that he has 'bigger plans' for tonight. However, Ed HAS chosen a replacement for tonight's match."

Danny Elfman's theme from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" starts playing as, to everyone's shock, bizarre director Tim Burton walks out. Alfred Hitchcock is stunned and visably upset, yelling at the ref that this isn't fair. But the bell is rung and the match starts anyway.

Burton starts the match charged with energy but Hitchcock, showing great mat skills, somehow manages to reverse almost every move Burton lands. Tim lands a few meager submission moves early on, a headlock here, an arm bar there, but the massive, meaty Hitchcock dominates with low blows, head butts, bear hugs, and Hitchcock's trademark move, a running kick and clothesline he calls "The Director's Chair." Nevertheless, Burton refuses to say "I quit."

As the ten minute mark rolls past, the tables get turned when Tim threw Alfred outside the ring. A few well placed shots on the head with the ring bell and the massive steel ring steps made Alfred bleed, weakening him enough to eventually make the acclaimed director scream "I quit" before passing out from massive blood loss.


MATCH LENGTH: 17.07

WINNER: Tim Burton


FOUR WAY DANCE FOR THE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:

God VS Satan VS Hitler VS Jesus


"I'd hate to pull an Ed Wood here," Jesus says with a slight cockiness in his voice as he faces the other three contestants in the ring, "but I'm going to be honest here and say ... that there's NO WAY IN HELL that I'm going to win this match. I mean, let's be honest, right? So what I'm going to do is drop out of this match ... and give my spot to someone who is not only deserving the title of savior but someone who I know I'm putting all my money on."

With that, Jesus puts his mic down and walks out of the arena to a swell of boos. The boos stop, however, when the song "Jesus is the Answer" plays and the obese, schizophrenic, recently deeceased singer Wesley Willis walks down the ramp to the ring amid thunderous applause.

As the bell rings, all four conbatants rush to the center of the ring in an orgy of punches and kicks and sweat and violence. When the dust settles, Hitler is bringing it to God and Wesley is being decimated by the awesome strength and hardcore wrestling style of Satan. In fact, as the time rolled on it seemes almost as if Hitler and Satan were teaming up in this anything goes match. Using his finishing move, the legendary Hellfire Head Drop, Satan easily eliminated Wesley Willis on six and a half minutes.

After Willis was eliminated, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that Satan and Hitler were in cahoots. The two quickly began double teaming God with powerbombs, neckbreakers, and painful submission moves. Hitler's powerful Final Solution head scissors takedown allowed Satan a close two-count, but God kicked out and fought with renewed strength. Satan, sensing his opportunity, sat it out ringside while an enraged God fought against Hitler, eventually landing a massive top rope leg drop on Hitler, injuring his neck.

Once Hitler was injured, Satan rushed back into the ring with a steel chair and attacked God, cutting his head wide open. Bruised and bloody, Satan easily landed a three count on God, leaving only Satan and his teammate Hitler remaining.

Now Satan's plan was all too clear. With Hitler damaged, Satan went into a series of submission moves that focused on the genocidal maniac's neck, injuring him further. Hitler quickly tapped out to a camel clutch, making Satan the winner and the NEW GVWA Savior!


MATCH LENGTH: 15.24

WINNER: Satan


BATTLE OF THE DRUNKS SUBMISSION MATCH:

Angry Jose Galindo VS Drunk Jim


Both men staggered to the ring as the bell rang for this match to start, but somehow all the alcohol through their system didn't stop Jose from unleashing a fast paced arial move reminiscent of early Hardy Boyz matches that quickly slowed Drunk Jim down. However impressive Joe's high flying style was, though, he just didn't seem to know any submission moves and was therefore unable to seal Jim's coffin so to speak.

Then, at the six minute mark, out of nowhere comes "Mean" Michael Burns with a steel chair. He rushed into the ring with a steel chair and uses it to seriously injure Drunk Jim, causing him to bleed profusely. But why? What is the reasoning behind Michael Burns' appearance in this match? Was it to show off before his championship tournament match or was it to send a message to fellow corporate bookseller Jim?

Whatever Burns' reasoning was, it prompted deceased Galindo family cat Ki-Ki to run to ringside and attack Joe. Eventually the ring was cleaared and Jim managed to turn the tide by moving away from a turnbuckle dropkick, causing Joe to slam to the canvas in pain. With Jose stunned, Jim unleashed submission move after submission move, eventually making Joe tap out to a modified cobra clutch.!


MATCH LENGTH: 11.16

WINNER: Drunk Jim


12 WOMEN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:


This match started out with four women in the ring ...

VAMPIRA, "CRAZY" TERE GALINDO, BITCH HEATHER, and ANGRY MARISA

Tere and Heather, old rivals, battled it out right off the bat. Marisa blindly punched and kicked everythone she could see. Heather and 'Risa were soon at it. Tere managed to reverse an arm drag takedown from Vampira and sent her flying out of the ring.

NATASHA GALINDO

Natasha was next, running to the ring enraged and ready to kick ass. She was met by Marisa, angry over a recent breakup, who lashed out at her old friend. Tere and Heather still went at it but, showing her amazing and freakish giant-like skill, eight foot tall bitch whore Heather chokeslammed tere right out of the ring, eliminating her.

"DOUBLE D" DEINNA DISASTER

Young Deinna ran in next and immediately landed a picture perfect running dropkick on her aunt Natasha, sending her flying right out of the ring. Natasha, enraged, vows revenge on her neice Deinna.

THE "Q"

Eight foot tall freak of nature Q stomped her way to the ring and went toe to toe with similar freak of nature Bitch Heather. Marisa tried to get a piece of the both of them but was thrown out by the monstrous Q.

EMERALD GALINDO

Young Emerald ran into the ring and immediately teamed up with her cousin "Double D" Deinna, despite Deinna's elimination of Emerald's own mother. With their perfect team skills, Deinna and Em succeeded in lifting and elimination the mighty bitch Q.

"EX" COLLYNE

Collyne the angry ex quickly went about trying to injur Deinna and then Emerald. Then, Deinna, hopefully looking for an easy elimination, teamed up with Col in attacking Emerald. Em fought back but it was no use. Deinna landed a perfect uppercut that sent Em flying. Emerald, like her mother before her, vowed her revenge on Deinna Disaster.

M.A.3

This fat, overweight, asshole customer quickly went for Deinna. Then, showing her monsterous skills, Heather threw out Col like a rag doll, critically injuring Collyne's neck.

BRITNEY SPEARS

This SURPRISE entry entered the ring in a tube top and Daisy Dukes, showing off her newfound pride in her white trash bitch heritage. She went right to amazon whore Heather but was stopped in her tracks by both Deinna and Heather. M.A.3, a Spears fan, tried to help but was tossed over the top rope by Heather. Now only four remain and the last person to enter was ...

ED WOOD!

So THAT'S why Ed dropped out of the first match! Ed is eligable for the women's championship due to a loophole involving his transvestism. Ed quickly injured bith Deinna and Heather, then threw Britney out of the ring as easy as pie. With three people remaining, Deinna and Ed teamed to and quickly eliminated Heather. Deinna then kicked Ed in the jimmy and signaled for her finishing move, "The Measles," but Ed reversed it, landing a manhattan slam that sent Double D over the rope. Ed Wins! Ed Wood is now the Women's Champion!


MATCH LENGTH: 18.42

WINNER: Ed Wood


STAND UP COMEDY SPECIAL REFEREE MATCH::

Bill Hicks VS Eddie Izzard VS Andy Kaufman

SPECIAL REFEREE: Davi-i-i-i-id Letterman


At the bell, all three men fought with amazing intensity both in and out of the ring. Letterman did a good job officiating as the three men traded off blows and moves. Then, as the match went on, Hicks and Kaufman seemed to team up AGAINST Eddie Izzard. Eddie Fought back and tried to throw Hicks and Kaufman out of the ring but, due to an eye rake by Kaufman, Eddie actually threw Hicks and referee David Letterman out of the ring by mistake.

An angry Letterman grabbed the steel ring steps and unleashed on Izzard, cutting him badly. Andy, left in the ring and wanting to join the fray, landed a perfect suicide dive through the roped and into Letterman, knocking him out. With the ref out cold, Andy and Eddie tried to injur Hicks but the deceased comedian was too much for them, fighting back with rapid fire chops and kicks.

When Letterman came to, he immediately went about destroying Kaufman. Then Hicks landed his Flying Saucer Tour finishing move, knocking Andy out. Letterman gave Hicks an assist by throwing Eddie Izzard out of the ring and handed Bill a very quick three count.


MATCH LENGTH: 12.20

WINNER: Bill Hicks


MUSICAL LEGENDS LADDER MATCH:

Jack White VS Elvis VS Neil Diamond


Elvis and Diamond immediately went for one another with White struggling to get in between but getting thrown out of the ring by either. Elvis was the first to get a ladder from ringside and used it to knock out his opponents. White Stripes frontman Jack White, however, was the first one to attempt to climb the ladder, taking advantage of Neil putting a figure four on Elvis, but eventually getting knocked down via a sunset flip from Diamond.

As the match grew older, it was Neil and Elvis' hatred for each other that cost them the match. Being too distracted by one another, Jack White easily landed his Hotel Yorba Check Out on both men and easily climbing up the ladder and getting the briefcase, winning the match.

And in that briefcase there was a contract guaranteeing him a shot at the winner of tonight's 16-man tournament that will crown a new GVWA champion!.


MATCH LENGTH: 15.41

WINNER: Jack White


"And now, all that's left is the 16-man tournament to crown a brand new GVWA champion. We will have a brand new GVWA champion tonight. Who will it be? Find out ... after this."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hotel yorba check out? amazing.