NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, July 6, 2005

... and now, your MAIN EVENT,

A 16 MAN TOURNAMENT TO CROWN THE NEW GVWA CHAMPION!



FIRST ROUND MATCHES:

Reverend Steve VS Judas


An easy win for Reverend Steve, who gained an easy pinfall after his finisher, the Rev. Steve Stunner. (6:16)


Tor Johnson VS Pepe Galindo

A hard fought match between two huge, old behemoths. Tor eventually won via a bear hug. (10:32)


Gangsta' Eric VS Fatty Arbuckle

A lengthy, classic match but at the end a frustrated Eric cheated to win, using a steel chair to gain a pin. (16:51)


The Choir Boy VS Moody the Cat

The powerful, angry former altar boy, who wrestled the entire match with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, easily won by knockout. (4:49)


"Pimpin'" Jessie Cee VS "Mean" Michael Burns

An amazing match between two wholesome booksellers, Burns eventually won with his impressive arial moves. (9:54)


Michael Jackson VS Chuck Klosterman

The feminine musical child molester was no match for the author of "Killing Yourself to Live" who scored an easy win. (7:00)


Criswell VS Lance

Pre-Nikara Lance fought gallantly but eventually tapped out to Criswell's finishing move, the Prediction. (11:29)


Tim Burton VS Mr. Lobo

Burton, still injured from his match with Alfred Hitchcock earlier in the night, tapped out to the host of tv's "Cinema Insomnia" in an easily won match. (6:51)



SECOND ROUND MATCHES:

Reverend Steve VS Tor Johnson


A close match. Steve was about to win, signalling for his Rev. Steve Stunner, when out from the back came DEBBY BELL, ex-girlfriend of Steve from Phoenix, who came to help Tor by battering her former boyfriend with a wooden bat. It seemes as if Steve was a goner but his quick smarts out thought the rather dull Johnson, who got counted out of the ring, allowing Steve to advance. An angry Tor vowed revenge. (10:03)


Gangsta' Eric VS The Choir Boy

The Choir Boy, with his intense brute strength, made quick work of the wannabe gang member, knocking him out in under a minute. (0:52)


"Mean" Michael Burns VS Chuck Klosterman

A tough match, what with both contestants being fraile, petite, pale white journalists. But at the end the drug-addled mind of the senior editor of "Spin" magazine couldn't keep up with the high flying moves of Michael Burns, who landed a pin on the injured Klosterman. (11:17)


Criswell VS Mr. Lobo

Mr. Lobo, a man who hosts bad movies, going one on one with the propheceer of bad movies. This looked like it was going to be a classic match. But at the end, Lobo's big, meaty frame was too much from Criswell. What looked like an excellent match turned into an easy match as Lobo escaped from The Prediction and bear hugged his way into a win by submission. (4:27)



SEMI-FINAL MATCHES:

Reverend Steve VS The Choir Boy


Former tag team champions, former friends, Reverend Steve and ex-Catholic schoolboy-turned-bad The Choir Boy, found themselves toe-to-toe with each other, forced to remove their former friends if they were to continue to walk down the road to the championship. Steve, being a minister, made a fatal error. At the sound of the bell, Steve sat down in the center of the ring. He REFUSED to fight his former tag partner. And for a second, it seemed like Choir Boy was going to do the same. But, with a quiet "I'm sorry," The Choir Boy grabbed Steve and threw him out of the ring. Friendship or not, he was not going to let anything stand in the way of that championship belt. With a series of brutal chokeslams, piledrivers, powerbombs, and ending it with his trademark finishing move, the dreaded Vestibule Takedown, The Choir Boy landed a pin in under five minutes. The Choir Boy tried to apologize but Steve was taken out of the ring in a stretcher. A brutal match. (4:46)


"Mean" Michael Burns VS Mr. Lobo

The quick, risk-taking, high flying arial moves of bookseller and semi-journalist Michael burns seemed poised to overtake the giant Lobo. But when Burns went up to the top rope, an angry Lance came out from the audience with a steel chair and knocked out Michael Burns, allowing Mr. Lobo to score an easy pinfall and advance into the finals. As Lobo walked back to the dressing room, Lance continued his vicious assault, punishing Burns with that steel chair. Then, from the back, came Drunk Jim, who joined Lance in decimating Michael Burns. Suddenly it became apparent that Lance and Jim were actually in cahoots and that Lance had come out and inflicted revenge against Burns for his attack on Jim earlier that night. What a shocking turn of events this is. Mr. Lobo advanced to the finals and the team of Jim and Lance send a dangerous message to anyone who dares cross them. (6:07)



FINAL MATCH:

The Choir Boy VS Mr. Lobo


"And this is it, the finals. One of these two men will walk away the GVWA champion and will face the number one contender, Jack White, NEXT WEEK as the main event of the return broadcast of our weekly show, GVWA DEVIANCE! But before Jack White gets his chance, we need to find out right here, right now, who walks away from Hardcore Homecoming the brand new undisputed GVWA Champion ..."


The Choir Boy wanted to end this match quick, just like all of his other matches in the tournament, and quickly unleashed a series of high intensity moves with the intent of crippling semi-famous television host Mr. Lobo. This sent the crowd into a frenzy, cheering and screaming wildly. But Mr. Lobo, showing grit and determination never before seen, refused to give up, even after three devastating Vestibule Takedows. Mr. Lobo repeatedly kicking out of count after count after count, visibly upsetting The Choir Boy.


Then, as The Choir Boy called for a FOURTH Vestibule Takedown, the opening riff of "Blue Orchid" rang out and from the back, Jack White came walking down the ramp towards the arena holding a steel chair.



"What? Jack White? What's he doing here? Click here to listen to the ringside commentary during this part in the match ..."




The Choir Boy broke off his finishing move, ran out of the ring, and grabbed the steel chair from Jack White, smashing it over the singer's head, causing him to bleed profusely.


With chair in hand, The Choir Boy walked back into the ring and started to crack the chair over the back of Mr. Lobo. Then, suddenly the bell rang, and the ring announcer grabbed the mic and announced ...


"Ladies and gentlemen, due to a disqualification, the winner and NEW GVWA Champion is ... Mr. Lobo!"


So there you have it. The Choir Boy has been cheated out of the title and a cunning Jack White now goes on to face GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo at our new fake tv show GVWA Deviance, which premieres July 11th, 2005. But still, many questions are still left unanswered. What will The Choir Boy do now? What do angry booksellers Lance and Jim have in store for us? And what is the condition of former champ Reverend Steve?


Be sure and join us July 11th, 2005, for GVWA DEVIANCE! Thank you and good night!


(BTW, here's the crowd noise during the main event. Again, it's like 10 different wav files of myself and my daughter mixed together. You can hear, for no reason whatsoever, me yelling "Show me your tits, faggot!" and "Go back to China!" Good fun!)

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