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Thursday, July 14, 2005

GVWA DEVIANCE - Kent, Ohio

(a blank screen for about four seconds, then a shot of a packed arena cheering, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Revolution" by Authority Zero)


"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our all new fake weekly television show! Tonight you are going to bear witness to some of America's greatest fictitious professional wrestling athletes go at it in the squared circle! Tonight's broadcast comes to you LIVE from the historic Mark Furman Arena in beautiful downtown Kent, Ohio.


We apologize for our show being so late this week. We had to postpone our show for a few days on account of a ton of incredible sex. Well then, let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."


A MUSICAL THREE WAY HARDCORE MATCH:

"Seether" Shaun Morgan VS Britney Spears VS "Molestor" Michael Jackson


Man, what a classic three way match! It started out with Jackson and Spears, the two obviously weaker wrestkers, teaming uo together against the muscular, angrier, "Evanescence" lead singer-fucking Morgan. But Shaun managed to even out the odds by bringing the steel steps into the ring. Using those sharp, hard steps on the white trash diva whore and the freakish child molester, Shaun mounted a comeback and succeeded in landing his trademark finishing move, a powerfull running face kick called "Kharma and Effect." Landing the K-and-E on BOTH Spears and Jackson, Morgan went for a pin but just couldn't seem to get a three count without interferance from the remaining opponent. This frustrated the lead singer of the band "Sether" and allowed creepy freakface Michael Jackson the opportunity he needed. Jackson threw the nasty white trash whore Spears out of the ring and slammed her hard into one of the steel ring posts, injuring her back. But Shaun followed the two outside and landed another K-and-E on Jackson and, while he was out, threw Britney back in the ring where he got an easy three count.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.16

WINNER: Shaun Morgan


A FIRST BLOOD "HOMECOMING REVENGE" MATCH:

Emerald and Natasha Galindo VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster


The question for this match was, could Natasha and Emerald remain a cohesive team for long enough to get the win? After all, last week at GVWA Hardcore Homecoming, Emerald actually tried to team up with Double D after Deinna had already eliminated Emerald's mother Nastasha. So could the Galindo Girls see things on the same page? Well, those questions were quickly answered when they came to the ring together and quickly went about attacking Deinna with powerfull double team moves, teaming up to slam Deinna down again and again and again. However, showing strength and cunning, Deinna seperated the Galindo Girls by throwing Emerald out of the ring and landing her trademark move, The Measles, on Natasha, knocking her out. Emerald tried to suplex Deinna but she countered it and in a flash planted a strong, fierce headbutt that cracked Emerald wide open. First blood. The bell rang, the ref raised Double D's hand, and in a very smart move, Deinna jumped the railing and ran out of the arena through the audience, screaming something about wanting a shot at the Women's Championship. This match is over but guaranteed this rivalry between Double D and the Galindo Girls is far from over.


MATCH LENGTH: 6:47

WINNER: Deinna Disaster


A ONE-ON-ONE MATCH FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:

"Women's Champion" Ed Wood VS Lisa The Machine


Lisa, with her bulky, meaty frame, easily dominated the frail, transvestite movie director from the beginnings of this match, throwing the champion all over the ring as if he were a rag doll. Ed tried to land move after move but the hefty Lisa was just too much for him. It seemed like lisa would easily win this mind until, in an act of desperation, Ed tried a headbutt on Lisa and this seemed to work as the chunky Lisa seemed temporarily stunned. Seeing his opening, Ed continued headbutt after headbutt until Lisa began to bleed. With Lisa dazed and bleeding, Ed landed his finishing move, a strong two-handed chokeslam that he calls "Pulling the Strings." Then, a three count, and Ed retains the women's championship.


MATCH LENGTH: 8:10

WINNER: Ed Wood


The scene is a hospital. The scene looks cheesy. Think back to when Vince McMahon was in the hospital from being attacked by Stone Cold and Mankind visited him with Mr. Socko. That's this scene, except in this hospital bed it's Reverend Steve, who was injured last weekend at Hardcore Homecoming. "Somehow, correct me if I'm wrong ... somehow The Choir Boy managed to seriously injure me, ME, put me on the damn shelf for a whole month, and somehow managed to STAY a babyface! Now how the hell did that happen? I'm here recovering in a hospital and that double-crossing bastard is getting YOUR cheers." He then vowed revenge on Choir Bow once he got out.


THE SEMI-FINAL ROUND OF THE 4-TEAM MINI-TOURNAMENT FOR THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS:

FIRST MATCH:

Ed Wood & Bela Lugosi "THE WOODITES" VS Hitler & Charles Manson "FUCKED UP"


A long, tiresome match between two perfectly evened teams. Fucked Up's anger and rage and brute strength were evenly matched by Ed and Bela's technical ring skills. However, it was the deceased heroin addict who lost this match, eventually becoming a victim to Hitler's "FInal Solution."


MATCH LENGTH: 11:20

WINNER: Fucked Up


SECOND MATCH:

Lance & Drunk Jim "THE BOOKSELLERS" VS Tim Burton & Johnny Depp "THE COLLABORATORS"


Lance and Jim, who made their mark in the GVWA last week by destroying "Mean" Michael Burns' chances at the gold, seemed to mave this match won. But as Lance went for the pin, former rivals and fellow booksellers "Pimpin'" Jesse Cee and "Mean" Michael Burns came out with chairs, unloaded on Jim and Lance, and allowed Burton to get a pin.


MATCH LENGTH: 10:56

WINNER: The Collaborators


SINGLE MATCH:

Bill Hicks VS Malcolm X


The deceased civil rights leader started this match off with a strong clothesline, catching the comedian off guard. Then, a strong series of punches and kicks to the face ended up cutting Hicks wide open. But this seemed to simply enrage Hicks and give him more energy and strength, which he used to throw X out of the ring. There, the match seemed to be Hicks with his strong series of reversals outside the ring. But a swift kick to the face slowed Hicks down again. However, just as the enraged black man went for the pin, out of nowhere came ruler of hell and Savior Champion Satan. What was he doing here? Satan ran to the ring and began attacking Malcolm, trying to even the match, but with Satan temporarily distracted by the audience, X landed his painful Civil Rights Shoulder Breaker, winning by tapout. Satan, who for reasons unknown seems to want to help Hicks, helped him up and then demanded a match against Malcolm X for his Savior Championship next week.


MATCH LENGTH: 9:21

WINNER: Malcolm X


THE FINALS OF THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

Hitler & Manson "Fucked Up" VS Burton & Depp "The Collaborators"


This match seemed to almost have no rules as the legal men, Johnny Depp and Adolph Hitler, fought in the ring while their partners got hardcore outside of the ring with chairs, tables, and various cookware that somehow seems to always be laying around a wrestling ring in a hardcore match. It became obvious in time that the weaker team was The Collaborators, who seemed to weaken under the pure rage of Fucked Up. Then, semsing a chance to win, Burton threw Hitler out of the ring and decimated him with a trash can for a full twenty count, allowing the Collaborators to steal themselves a cheap win.


MATCH LENGTH: 14:34

WINNERS: The Collaborators


"Well, we have already seem some incredible fictitious professional wrestling tonight. Ed Wood beats hefty monster Lisa the Machine and will be facing 'Double D' for the championship next week. Also next week, Satan, who somehow seems to have befriended Bill Hicks, has made a match against Malcolm X next week for the Savior CHampionship. Shaun Morgan, lead singer of the band 'Seether,' gets an important win. And The Collaborators steal the GVWA Tag Team titles. What an intense night of fake wrestling!


But, coming up next, it's the match you've all been waiting for ... it's our big MAIN EVENT!"


A "LAST MAN STANDING" MATCH FOR THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:

"GVWA Champion" Mr. Lobo VS Jack White


Once Mr. Lobo, in his trademark three piece siut and tie, and musician Jack White, in his usual white and red outfit and strange black bowler hat, met in the ring, a referee ran from the back into the ring, screaming "STOP THE MATCH!" With a stunned audience completely silent, the ref ran into the ring and handed a piece of paper the ring announcer, who grabbed the mic and cleared his throat. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this championship match which was set to be a last man stanting match, will now be ... a normal one-on-one match with normal match rules ... and ... a special guest referee!" With that, The Choir Boy came walking down the ramp, cigarette dangling from his mouth, to the thunderous applause of the audience. With Choir Boy in the ring, the bell rang and the match begun.


An angry Jack White, who could taste that championship gold, quickly took it to Mr. Lobo with a dazzling array of suplexes, bodyslams, running knees to the face, clotheslines, and punches to the back. Jack White, the obvious alpha agressor, wanted not to simply land a three count and win this match. Jack White wanted to cripple Mr. Lobo and show the world that Jack White was the true GVWA champion. Then, as White signalled for his Hotel Yorba Check Out, the Choir Boy stunned the world by landing a rapid fire low blow to Jack White's jimmy, then landing his powerful Vestibule Takedown, completely knocking Jack White out.


The Choir Boy then allowed an exhausted Mr. Lobo to cover White. Then, after a quick three count, The Choir Boy raised Mr. Lobo's hand in victory. The audience was confused. Why did Choir Boy allow Lobo to win the match so easily? To make things even stranger, Lobo went to the ring posts, playing to the audience, and while he was estatic and distracted, Choir Boy kicked Lobo in the stomach and landed an incredibly powerfull Vestibule Takedown on the champion. Lighting up another cigarette, he spit on Mr. Lobo, then left.


MATCH LENGTH: 14:46

WINNER: Mr. Lobo


"What an incredible match! Mr. Lobo of television's 'Cinema Insomnia' retains the championship but the rivalry between Lobo and The Choir Boy continues to deepen.


Well, that's it for us. Tune in next week for another episode of GVWA Deviance! Thank you and good night!"

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