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Saturday, July 30, 2005

GVWA DEVIANCE - Parsippany, NJ

(a blank screen for about three seconds, then a shot of a packed arena cheering, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Things That Go Hump In The Night" by Grand Buffet)


"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our all new, entirely fake, semi- weekly television show ... "


Tonight's entirely NOT live broadcast comes to you LIVE from Cho Chang Stadium in downtown Parsippany, New Jersey. Once again, we apologize for our show being so late this week. We had to postpone our show for a week an a half on account of a ton of incredible sex. Well then, let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."


"BATTLE OF THE PALE WHITE GUYS":

"Pimpin'" Jessie Cee VS "Author" Chuck Klosterman


This was indeed one tough match, seeing as how both compeditor were weak, skinny, pale white guys. The match began, as many pale white guy fights so often do, with a lot of slapping and whimpering. Jesse, angry over a recent break-up, quickly got the upper hand against the drug-addled mind of New York Times bestselling author Klosterman, continually bodyslamming the author and frequent contributor to Esquire magazine. With Klosterman weakened by Jesse's mad rage, Jesse Cee landed his finishing move, the Receiving Room Splash, which led to an easy pin. Jesse takes the win and dominates the match in an impressive display.


MATCH LENGTH: 5.16

WINNER: "Pimpin'" Jesse Cee


A WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"Champion" Ed Wood VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster


Deinna, on a roll from his win last week(ish), began this match with a series of painfull low blows, followed by an impressive series of arial kicks to the head and face. This quickly stalled Ed's momentum but didn't stop him from trying to come back. He countered move after move but more low blows slowed the transvestite champion even more. Then, out of nowhere, Emerald Galindo ran into the ring. What was she doing here? Who has she come to help? She just stood there in the middle of the ring emotionless for a few seconds. Then, like lightening, Emerald struck, kicking Deinna in the stomache and and landing a fierce powerbomb in the center of the ring, allowing an injured Ed to roll over and cover Deinna for a three count. Ed once again barely wins and Emerald has sent a strong message to her cousin Deinna.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.12

WINNER: Ed Wood



(an ad: our NEXT entirely FAKE pay-per-view, GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005, sponsored by The Crochet Guild of America, will be held SUNDAY, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Tickets are available NOWHERE because it's entirely fake!)



A #1 CONTENDER MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP:

Adolph Hitler & Charles Manson "F-ED UP" VS Andy Kaufman & Eddie Izzard "THE SMART ASSES"


An incredibly even match all the way down the board, a tense match between two very intense teams that both ache for the gold. There were times when the match seemed to erupt in total chaos with all four contestants in the ring fighting and using all kinds of weapons against one another ... steel chairs, cookie sheets, a cheese grater, a Darth Vader Pez dispenser, Jar Jar Binks pajamas, and, at one point in time, an inflatable sheep in a scene that had to be edited for television. At the halfway point of this match, the tag team champions, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, otherwise known as "The Collaborators," walked down to the ring and took a ringside seat to watch the action up close and personal. This added a sense mood into an otherwise tense match. Well, during one of these bouts of extreme chaos, Hitler, bruised and bloody, somehow managed to land his trademark Final Solution on the Britosh transvestite stand-up comedian, which led to the team of "F-ed Up" winning the match by knockout. The Collaborators did not look happy at having to face Hitler and Manson next week.


MATCH LENGTH: 9.06

WINNER: "F-ED UP"



"What? Drunk Jim, who was supposed to fight in the main event tonight, has just been found passed out backstage. Who attacked him and why? I ... I don't know. A replacement might have to be found to take Jim's place. And we'll try to figure out if Jim was attacked or if he's just drunk. Back to the action ... "



A "LAST MAN STANDING" SUPER HEAVYWEIGHTS MATCH:

Wesley Willis VS Tor Johnson


Tor Johnson, deceased Swedish professional wrestler, easily dominated this match with his years of professional wrestling experience. In fact, we haven't seen a match this one-sided since the bloody Mother Theresa VS Andre the Giant match of 1998. But, as Johnson was about to piledrive Willis through the Hindu announce table, "Son of God" Jesus H. Christ ran to the ring with a steel chair, unloaded on Johnson with chair shot after chair shot, allowing Willis to win as Tor lay unconscious on the concrete floor. Wesley Willis wins with a little help from Jesus. I guess for Willis, Jesus is the answer!


MATCH LENGTH: 5.46

WINNER: Wesley Willis





"This is Greg Kaczynski again, the Photographer ... and I promised to kick some ass ... and take the gold ... and take pictures of all the asses that I kick. Well ... I'm here in the arena TONIGHT ... and I promise that my first night in the Galindo Video Werstling Association will be one ... that NOBODY will EVER forget!"



A SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"Savior Champion" Satan VS "Civil Rights Leader" Malcolm X


Satan SHOCKED the capacity crowd by getting in the ring and announcing that this one-on-one match was now going to be a HANDICAPPED match with his good friend and brand new disciple ... Bill Hicks! X was shocked but tried his best in a match that had the cards stacked directly against him. His best, however, was no good against the dark lord of all hellfire and the deceased Texas comedian. Their double teaming and blatant cheating left X bruised, bloody, and altogether beaten. With Hicks' help, Satan easily maintains his championship. Now the question is, with Bill Hicks at his side, who could possibly beat Satan now?


MATCH LENGTH: 7.28

WINNER: Satan


A HARDCORE MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:

"The Chosen One" Harry Potter VS "God's Only Son" Jesus H. Christ


Never before have we seen a match this bloody, this intense, this utterky insaine. Think ECW with fictitious characters. The Son of God (the SOG) gained an early lead but the Chosen One (the CHONE), eager to even up the match, quickly threw Jesus outside the ring and took the match to the concrete arena floor. The battle then spilled out down the ramp, through the entrance, and into the backstage area. Near the dressing rooms now, Potter managed to land his finisher, a running DDT that he calls The Unforgivable Curse, but Jesus H. Christ somehow managed to kick out of a pin. Then, the tables were quickly turned when, making up for his divine intervention earlier, deceased singer Wesley Willis ran to Jesus' aid by using a trash can to cut the Chone wide open. Then, more hardcore madness ensued as big tittied bookseller and Harry Potter fan "Angry" Marisa Johnson came out to even up the odds for Potter. With all four people fighting against one another, a bloody Chone somehow managed to land a second Unforgivable Curse on Jesus on the hard parking lot floor, knocking Jesus out and leaving him an injured, bloody mess, which quickly turned to wine. Harry Potter wins and goes on to face Satan for the Savior title at GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005!


MATCH LENGTH: 18.26

WINNER: Harry Potter



OUR MAIN EVENT ...


A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP AT GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005:


The Choir Boy VS "Mean" Michael Burns VS Drunk Jim


The big question was, who would be taking Drunk Jim's place in this match? The answer, which should be obvious to almost all of you, was plain as day when the lights to the arena went dark ... broken by the blinding blinking lights of cameras flashing. And who should walk down the ramp? Why, it's none other than Greg Kaczynski "The Photographer" making his in-ring debut. Greg will be the third man, fighting bookseller "Mean" Michael Burns and renegade altar boy The Choir Boy for a shot at the gold at our next pay-per-view on Sunday, August 14th.


When the bell rang, The Choir Boy, who was robbed of the title at our last pay-per-view and has since devoted his life to grabbing the championship belt, did the UNTHINKABLE and walked out of the ring. For reasons unknown, The Choir Boy REFUSED TO FIGHT! Why would The Choir Boy, for whom beating GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo has become an obsession, simply give up another chance at the GVWA championship? For whatever reasons, The Choir Boy walked out of the ring and stood at ringside, refusing to fight in this match.


With the match now between "Mean" Michael Burns and Greg Kaczynski, "The Photographer," Greg started out with a lot of energy, hoping to impress during this, his first ever match, but Burns quickly slowed him down with his impressive arial moves. An impressive standing drop kick to the head seemed to injur Greg's neck, possibly ending his chances at winning this match. However, Greg bravely fought back with his angry, roughneck style of street fighting.


The match progressed on with the dominance shifting between the two wrestlers. Burns seemed to regain control after a devastating flying clothesline from the top turnbuckle. Then, he signalled for his finishing move, the Bookseller Smakdown, when out of nowhere, The Choir Boy RAN BACK INTO THE RING, landed his trademark Vestibule Takedown powerbomb on Michael Burns, and then stepped back out of the ring, allowing Greg to gain a three count. The Photographer wins his first ever match and now goes on to face GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo at our next pay-per-view. But the question remains, why did The Choir Boy help Greg win this match?


MATCH LENGTH: 16:35

WINNER: Greg Kaczynski


"What an incredible main event! In his first match in the GVWA, Greg Kaczynski gets a title shot at Mr. Lobo's championship belt, but why did The Choir Boy help Greg win this match?


Well, that's it for us. Tune in next week, or next week and a half, or next two weeks or so, for another exciting episode of GVWA Deviance! Thank you and good night!"

3 comments:

Gregorio said...

Burns is a pussy! I challenge him to another match whenever he likes! I will develop his pansy ass all over the tarp -- back and forth -- where ever I choose, his little baby ass will go. I am unstoppable!!! The championship will be mine and I will take lots and lots of photographs of me wearing the belt.. in the bathroom, at the park, driving my car!! The belt will be owned my MOI! GREG KACZYNSKI, THE PHOTOGRAPHER!!!!!!

*FLASH*

Anonymous said...

Hah. Looks like Jesus only turns the other cheek when he's got someone to fight dirty for him. Don't worry Dumbledore- I've got your man's back.

(Marisa)

Anonymous said...

This is so evil and so blasphemous and so fucking cool. Awesome work, Reverend.