"Hello and welcome to the Eric Idle Memorial Auditorium, smack dab in the middle of Zanesville, Ohio, which is located right on Interstate 70 just fifty miles east of Columbus, founded in 1797 by John McIntire on land deeded by his father-in-law, Ebenezer Zane and at one time know as "Clay City" and "The Pottery Capital of the World," and we are here live for GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005. And believe me when I say that you are in for an exciting night of fake, semi-offensive professional wrestling.
There are a lot of questions waiting to be answered tonight. First off, the booksellers Jesse and Lance have formed their own union, called the "B.S.O." and they are poised to take over the GVWA. Will they succeed? Also, Satan is looking to form his own federation, one that he mysteriously calls "The Ministry" and he is hoping to add a new member to his ministry in a soul match? Will The Ministry succeed? Also, who will walk out of Zanesville the GVWA champion? Will it be Mr. Lobo, current champion and host of television's "Cinema Insomnia" or will it be "The Photographer" or fellow B.S.O. member "Mean" Michael Burns?
And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... just WHO IS our new general manager?
Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."
A "SOUL MATCH":
"Propheceer" Criswell VS "Satan's Ministry member" Bill Hicks
The referee for this match - John F. Fenton, Mayor of Zanesville, whose office number incidentally is (740) 455-0603 - made the announcement before the bell rang the start of this match that Satan and all other possible interferance was barred from ringside and would result in an automatic disqualification. Nevertheless, Criswell was visually frightened about this "soul" match. But as the bell rang, Criswell showed a fierce amount of testicular fortitude by charging Hicks, attacking him with punches, reversals, and leg-based submission moves. Hicks tried to even the score by throwing Criswell over the ropes, taking this match outside, but that eventually turned against Hicks as Criswell used the steel guard rail to cut the deceased rebellious Texas comedian wide open. Hicks, sensing trouble and barely able to see through the blood on his face, tried to bring the match back into the ring but Criswell, perhaps in a crazed act of bloodlust, kept the match outside the ring, using the hard concrete floor to injur Hicks even more. Then, as it seemed that Criswell could barely even stand, Criswell threw Hicks into the ring, got a roll up, and got a three count from former fireman turned mayor John F. Fenton. A relieved Criswell saves his soul.
MATCH LENGTH: 11.46
TWO ON ONE MATCH:
Choir Boy VS Jack White & Reverend Steve
Steve came out limping with a leg brace on (wrestling nerds unite - just make a mental picture of Stone Cold back when he was popular and near crippled and wrestling The Rock every 15 minutes) because of the Choir Boy's senseless attack at our last pay per view, Hardcore Homecoming. But White Stripes frontman and longhaired wierdo Jack White assured Steve that he would handle their opponent. The Choir Boy came out, a cigarette dangling from his lips, a leather jacket over his tattered basketball jersey (wrestling nerds, just think of a jock Raven meets The Sandman). As the bell rang, a visually frightened Reverend Steve stood back as Jack White was quicklt decimated by the angry former Catholic altar boy. Steve eventually tried to help White but was paid for his services with a frighteningly painful sidewalk slam that sent waves of pain through Steve as he tumbled out of the ring, seemingly knocked out from the pain. The Choir Boy then continued his assault, then signalled for his patented Vestibule Takedown when, from out of nowhere, Steve hobbled back into the ring with the steel ring steps, cracking the once molested Catholic turned bad's head wide open. Then, a double neckbreaker led to Jack White gaining a pin. White then helped Steve backstage as paramedics wheeled the Cchoir Boy out of the auditorium.
MATCH LENGTH: 13.17
WINNER: Jack White & Reverend Steve
"You don't know who I am ... but I know all about you. I also know all about obscure films YOU've never seen ... and bands YOU've never heard. And next week at GVWA Deviance, you are going to be SCHOOLED in pop-culture ... and ASS KICKINGS! My name is 'Intense' Ian ... but you can call me ... PopJellyFish!"
A HARDCORE MATCH:
"Double D" Deinna Disaster VS Emerald Galindo
As Ed Wood as my witness, I have NEVER seen such violent, mindless carnage in my entire life ... but one thing is for certain ... Deinna Disaster is a dangerous woman! Knowing that this was a hardcore, no disqualification match, Deinna ran to the ring brandishing a wooden bat and automatically started UNLOADING on Emerald in a brutal display of shocking violence. Deinna quickly injured Emerald, leaving her battered and broken in a little under five minutes. Afterwards, as Emerald lay hurt and bleeding, a cocky Double D started doing a victory dance to a chorus of boos ... and then the song "Do You Know My Name?" by the band Ra began playing ... and running to the ring came Emerald's mother Natasha. Deinna panicked, trying to escape, by Natasha was too quick for her, grabbing the bat and giving Dee a taste of her own medicine. When Deinna was bloodied and broken, Natasha threw the bat down, picked up her injured daughter, and carried her home.
MATCH LENGTH: 4.28
WINNER: Deinna Disaster
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"CHAMPIONS" Johnny Depp & Tim Burton "The Collaborators" VS Jesse & "Pre-Nikara" Lance "The B.S.O."
With pre-marriage Lance in Jesse's corner, the Book Seller Order were able to gain an early lead, cornering Depp in their corner and slowing him down with quick double team moves. Depp managed to escape, making the tag to Burton, who focused his attack on Jesse's face and legs. Then, a tag to angry pre-child Lance led to all four combatants causing total anarchy in the ring. In all the chaos, Burton tagged Depp back in and more vicious four man anarchy ensued. In the fracas, a tired Lance managed to tag in Jesse who almost got a three count with a suprise roll up. All four men now injured and tiring out, Jesse signalled for a Bookseller Splash but Burton ran in to stop it. With rapid fire reflexes, Jesse managed a quick shot kick to the director's face as he ran, knocking Burton out. Then Jesse landed his finishing move and gained a three count. The B.S.O. are the NEW tag team champions! Can the B.S.O. be stopped?
MATCH LENGTH: 18.37
WINNER: "The B.S.O."
"Our NEXT big pay per view will be GVWA THIS MONTH'S PAY PER VIEW and it will be held Sunday, September 24th, 2005 from the historic Vanilla Ice Ampitheater in downtown Huron, South Dakota. Tickets are on sale at all Taco Bell and Castle Boutique locations, so we hope to see you there!"
A WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"CHAMPION" Ed Wood VS "Angry" Marisa
SHOCKINGLY, which is always a great way to start a wrestling match, Marisa came to the ring wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt ... and she was being accompanied to the ring by "Mean" Michael Burns, B.S.O. member and one of the competitor in the big main event title match. Ed knew that his chances were slim and that all of his match wins this past month have all been accidental wins based on dumb luck. If it was going to be a straight fight between him and Marisa ... ANGRY "breakup with Kosaku" Marisa ... that he was royally screwed! So Ed devised a fiendish plan. During the match, Ed screamed "AAAGH, MASSIVE LEG PAIN!!!" and dived through the ropes, landing on the concrete floor below luthing his leg and faking some sort of leg injury. Eventually, Ed got counted out of the ring, meaning that TECHNICALLY Marisa wins this match but, since titles cannot switch hands from a count out, Ed loses the match but RETAINS the women's title. Ed runs out of the auditorium with the title held high and a shit-eating grin on his face. An angry "Angry" Marisa vows revenge.
MATCH LENGTH: 8.08
WINNER: "Angry" Marisa (The B.S.O.)
"Before our big Savior championship match, we will have a performance by the Zanesville High School marching band, known as the Blue Devils. They have just returned from the Bonanza of the Bands, the longest continually-running marching band competition in the state of Ohio ..."
A TRIPLE THREAT SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"CHAMPION" Satan VS Harry Potter VS Jimi Hendrix
As the bell rang, both Satan and Hendrix turned towards the young Potter who immediately pissed himself and ran out of the ring crying for someone named "Albus" ... but before he ran backstage, he promised Satan, Hendrix, and the entire GVWA a big suprise ve-e-e-ry soon. After that archaic setup for a major plot point in the near future, Potter ran backstage, turning this triple threat match into a one on one match. Satan struck quick with a painful series of clotheslines from hell (which makes sense, seeing how he's Satan and all) and chokeslams, quickly slowing down the deceased, possibly black guitarist. Then the dark lord signalled for his finishing move, the Hell Slam, but his plans were inturrupted as in ran ... well, more like waddled, WESLEY WILLIS, who came in the ring, kicked the dark overlord in the nards, and handed an electric guitar to Hendrix. Jimi took that guitar and cracked it hard on Satan's skull. Thi knoked Satan out, allowing Hendrix to gain a three count. Jimi Hendrix, in only his second match in the GVWA, has become the NEW Savior!
MATCH LENGTH: 10.50
WINNER: Jimi Hendrix
The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena in a chorus cheers. Then, suddenly, some loud song by silverchair started playing and out came "Mean" Michael Burns wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance, Jesse, and "Angry" Marisa. The champion and The Photographer were automatically weary of fighting this match and for a second it seemed like the match wasn't going to happen at all as Mr. Lobo and Greg considered giving up the match if Michael Burns was going to have the B.S.O. in his corner.
Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling, the lights in the arena went out ... and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the entire arena finally got to take their first glimpse at their NEW general manager ...
Fall walked to the ring and said that as the new general manager and former rancher and convicted felon, he was going to strict and rigid. He then put his foot down and banned the entire B.S.O. from ringside for the entire match. The B.S.O. was led out of the ring, Jesse cussing, Lance drinking, and Marisa brandishing a boxcutter at anyone who looked at her funny. And with the Book Seller Order gone, the match got under way.
The Photographer took control of this match early on, injuring Mr. Lobo with a digital camera he had hidden in his pants and then throwing him out of the ring so that he could focus on slowing down the fast-paced Michael Burns. The two traded moves and blows for a long time until Burns stopped Greg's momentum with a running enziguri (real move - look it up, you non-wrestling nerds) that cut Greg open. Michael used this opportunity to exit the ring and grab the ladder, setting it up in the middle of the ring, and began to climb it. But Mr. Lobo came back into the ring, grabbed Burns by the legs, and decimated (maybe I should get a thesarus) Burns with a powerbomb from the top of the ladder.
Lobo then went to inflict some punishment on Greg, but he landed a quick european uppercut on Lobo, knocking him out. Greg then got up and started climbing the ladder but was knocked down by a groggy Burns who managed to grab the ladder and shake it. All three men were knocked out on the floor for a while. Then, slowly, Greg and Michael Burns stood up and began trading blows. Then Burns threw Greg out of the ring and they continued their fight outside. This entire time, Mr. Lobo began to stir. But it went unnoticed by The Photographer and B.S.O. Burns, who threw Greg up on the Phillipino announce table. Burns then landed a painful piledriver through the announce table, injuring BOTH competitors.
And as they lay there in pain, Mr. Lobo somehow managed to stand up, slowly but surely climb that ladder, and grab that championship belt. The bell rang and SOMEHOW Mr. Lobo was able to KEEP his GVWA championship!
MATCH LENGTH: 19:25
WINNER: Mr. Lobo
"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Satan's ministry has been decimated, the Book Seller Order continues to wreak havoc, and Ed Wood and Mr. Lobo somehow both manage to hold on to their titles. And our new general manager is the secretary of the interior during the Harding administration who went to jail for the infamous Teapot Dome scandal.
I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun and that you join us again for more frightening fake pro wrestling. Thank you and good night!"