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Monday, August 8, 2005

GVWA DEVIANCE - Quitman, Georgia

(a blank screen for about three seconds, then a shot of a packed arena cheering, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Sad State of Affairs" by The Descendents)


"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our entirely fake semi-weekly television show. Tonight's NOT live broadcast comes to you LIVE from the Jerry Stahl Memorial Bus Terminal in downtown Quitman, Georgia. And we are in for an exciting night of fake, semi-offensive professional wrestling.


From the looks of things it looks like the whole town of Quitman has shown up for tonight's event. I can see in the front row city clerk Janice Jarvis in a beautiful Vera Wang gown and she is sitting next to elected Quitman city commissioner Wendell Chisholm and what seems to be a virtual gaggle of reporters from the Quitman Free Press, the eighteenth largest newspaper in all of Georgia.


And DON'T FORGET that we are only one week away from our NEXT entirely FAKE pay-per-view ... GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005, which is sponsored by The Crochet Guild of America. It will be held this sunday, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the historic Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Tickets are available NOWHERE because it's entirely fake, so we hope to see you there!


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."



A "FOUR CORNER" ELLIMINATION MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:

"Angry" Marisa VS "Double D" VS "Eight foot tall monster" Q VS Britney Spears


As the bell rang, in an excellent strategic move that harkens back to Andre the Giant battle royals of the eightes, all three women automatically charged eight foot tall monstrosity Q, pummeling her with punches and kicks. They just unloaded on Q and wouldn't stop until she passed out a bloody mess around the five minute mark. With only three women left, "Double D" Deinna Disaster strategically faked a calf injury and exited the ring, allowing "Angry" Marisa and white trash whore singer Britney Spears to fight one another. However, the talentless bitch pop diva was no match for Marisa's blind rage and incredible boobies as Marisa took a few punches but eventually made the singer pass out from a choke hold. Once Spears was elliminated, Double D ran back into the ring and pounced on Marisa, quickly injuring her right leg with kicks and sumbission moves. But, as Deinna signalled for "The Measles," Deinna's cousin Emerald ran to the ring, powerbombed her cousin, and dragged Marisa onto her, allowing Marisa to get a three count. Marisa goes on to fight GVWA Women's champion Ed Wood next week at our next pay-per-view.


MATCH LENGTH: 13.04

WINNER: "Angry" Marisa



"WHAT? Emerald's interferance has cost Deinna a chance at the Women's title! We have an exclusive interview with Emerald right here ..."



SINGLE MATCH:

Criswell VS Bill Hicks


Bill Hicks walked to the ring with his new partner, the dark lord Satan. Criswell saw this and immediately hightailed it out of the ring, refusing to fight the deceased Texas comedian with the lord of the underworld at ringside. The referee for the match, Jim Chion, owner of WSFB 1490 AM Radio Quitman, was forced to call the match a NO CONTEST. Satan then grabbed the mic and told the audience that he was soon going to be the almighty lord and ruler of this entire federation ... but first he needed more followers. So, according to Satan, he just finished talking backstage with THE NEW GVWA GENERAL MANAGER (?!?) and that he had set up a match for the pay-per-view ... Bill Hicks versus Criswell ... in a hardcore SOUL MATCH and if Hicks wins, then Satan gets Criswell's soul. What a shocking turn of events but the big question is WHO IS THE NEW GENERAL MANAGER?



A TRIPLE THREAT HARDCORE MATCH:

God VS Harry Potter VS Jesus H. Christ


Jesus came to the ring in a cast, claiming that he had broken his leg after last week's fight with "The Chosen One" Harry Potter. God grabbed the mic and said "Give it up, son ... I know why you're PRETENDING to be injured. You've been avoiding fighting your old man since last month's pay-per-view. You're chicken to go face to face with your dad, that's all." Jesus denied those claims and then introduced his substitute for the match ... Jimi Hendrix! And with a speed usually reserved for his blazing guitar solos, Hendrix utterly decimated God and Potter with a miriad of weapons ... a broom, a hair brush, feminine hygene products, and a life size cutout of Ringo Starr. But God came back, gaining the upper hand with his strength and omnipotence. The match then spilled out of the ring, where Jimi was cut open bu one of God's massive headbutts. Potter tried to finish Jimi off by throwing him on the Hungarian announce table and signalling for his finishing move, which he calls the "Unforgivable Curse," but the deceased musician reversed it, sending the young Potter through the table, knocking him out.


MATCH LENGTH: 12.41

WINNER: Jimi Hendrix



"What the? Jimi Hendrix, in his first match, has beaten the number one contender for the Savior championship. W-w-what happens next? Harry Potter is still scheduled to fight Satan for the title at the next pay-per-view ... right?"



TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPIONS" Johnny Depp & Tim Burton "The Collaborators" VS Hitler & Manson "F-ed Up"


The team of "F-ed Up" has worked hard these past two weeks to get this second shot at the tag team championship titles. And in working hard they have gained fear and respect from their compeditors and it is safe to say that almost everybody in the audience were certain that "F-ed Up" would win this match. But they would have been WRONG! Never before has there been such a one-sided tag team match in the GVWA. The team of "The Collaborators" used rapid fire reflexes, technical mat wrestling, and quick tags in and out of the ring to utterly decimate their opponents. The champions left their opponents bruised, beaten, broken and bloody. The match ended when Depp landed his finishing move, a violent running kick to the face that he calls the "21 Jump Kick." The champions are a team to be feared.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.56

WINNER: "The Collaborators"



A NON-TITLE MATCH:

"GVWA Champion" Mr. Lobo VS "A Mystery Opponent"


Mr. Lobo entered the ring with two things ... his GVWA championship belt and a microphone. He began bragging all about his new sindicated television deal (click here to learn more about his tv show) and about how he was going to win his big match next week at Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005 regardless of who his opponent was going to be tonight. Then, shockingly, Lance and Jesse BOTH came out for a 2-on-1 handicapped match. Lobo tried to escape but Lance clotheslined him, sending his trademark black glasses flying. Aa painfull series of double chokeslams and neckbreakers led to Lance gaining an easy pin on the decimated champion. Jesse then grabbed Lobo's mic and said that this was the birth of a new era in fake professional wrestling. "This," Jesse said, "is the birth of the Book Seller Order ... and the booksellers are going to join up and take over the GVWA. So you're either literate ... or your deceased."


MATCH LENGTH: 8.20

WINNER: The Book Seller Order (The B.S.O.)


A "FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE" MATCH:

Jack White VS The Choir Boy


Jack White entered the ring with a microphone and a steel chsair. He entered the ring, sat down on the chair, and announced that he refused to get up off this chair until The Choir Boy told him and everybody else why he helped "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski win the main event last week. The Choir Boy refused to answer. Jack White the stood up, went face to face with Choir Boy, and told him that if he wouldn't fess up then he would just have to beat it out of him. Then, out of nowhere, came the words "NO ... I'LL TELL YOU!" And from the back came an injured Reverend Steve in crutches, holding a microphone. Steve hobbled up to the ring and said that if Choir Boy wouldn't tell anybody, then Steve would have to tell everybody. Steve said that Choir Boy helped Greg Kaczynski because the two of them both went to the same catholic school, Sts. Simon and Jude School in Phoenix, Arizona, when they were children. The two of them were both altar boys together until The Choir Boy was MOLESTED by Bishop Thomas O'Brien. ENRAGED that his secret was now out, The Choir Boy attacked Steve with a flurry of punches. Jack White came to Steve's rescue but C.B. came away, making this match another NO CONTEST! Jack White then said that Steve and him would team up and fight Choir Boy next week in a handicapped match. Steve looked frightened but agreed.



OUR MAIN EVENT ...


A STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP AT GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005:


"The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski VS "Mean" Michael Burns


The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena in a chorus of boos and cheers. Greg entered the arena waiting for his opponent. Then, suddenly, sone song by silverchair started playing and down the ramp came "Mean" Michael Burns ... wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance and Jesse, both in their own B.S.O. shirts. Greg was weary of fighting a match with the B.S.O. at ringside but felt that there wasn't too much damage they could do when the steel cage lowered. He took a deep breath and readied himself for a difficult match.


Once the bell rang, Jesse threw a massive hardcover copy of "Source" by James A. Michener into the ring. Burns caught the book and quickly, fiercely knocked out Kaczynski, who begun bleeding with all the ferocity of "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume. Burns then climbed over the top of the cage and won the match.


MATCH LENGTH: 4:35

WINNER: "Mean" Michael Burns


"W-wait a second ... the lights ... they've gone out. What's going on ... what ... "


"This ... is the voice ... of the NEW general manager ... and I've made a few matches for the next pay-per-view. First off, if the B.S.O. wants to rule the GVWA ... they'll have to get through the tag team champions. So it will be "The Collaborators versus Jesse and Lance of the Book Seller Order.


Secondly ... since Jimi Hendrix somehow managed to beat God and Harry Potter ... it's only fair that we make the savior championship ... a triple thream match between Satan, Jimi Hendrix and Harry Potter.


And as for you two ... since Michael Burns cheated his way into his title shot ... the main event will now be ... a TRIPLE THREAT ... LADDER MATCH ... between Mr. Lobo, "Mean" Michael Burns, and The Photographer.


I know that a lot of you are wondering who I am ... well, you'll see me next week ... but here's a hint ... I am the first U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office."


"(silence) Well, what else can be said? Our new general manager, whoever he is, has set up an amazing card for next week's pay-per-view. I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005!


Well, that's it for us tonight. Hope to see you this sunday, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the historic Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Thank you and good night!"

1 comment:

Gregorio said...

Burns is an ass. I mean, c'mon! Siverchair?! Jesus. And Michener?! Seriously, this guy needs some taste. He got lucky this time, next time... we'll see.