(a blank screen for two seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Get Out" by Dane Cook, available for free on his website)
"Hello everybody and welcome to the inside of Golden Girls actress Bea Arthur's crusty vagina, which is located in the bustling, minority-filled metropolis known as El Centro, California ... and we are here live for another incredibly implausable episode of GVWA Deviance, our semi-weekly television show, and believe me when I say that you are in for an exciting night of entirely fake, semi-offensive professional wrestling. It has been over a month since we've last seen each other and for that the entire GVWA humbly apologzes ... we were unavoidably postponed for the month of September due to an extreme bout of with-child-edness, but now that that is done, we are back with a vengance and ready to cook us some beef, as the kids like to say.
There are a lot of questions that are waiting to be answered tonight. Last month's pay-per-view, GVWA Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005, showed us the utter destruction of Satan's fledgling organization, the Ministry, and the Book Seller Order, the B.S.O., continued to grow in numbers in their mad quest for power. Can these renegade booksellers succeed in controlling the GVWA? Also, GVWA champion and tv horror host Mr. Lobo somehow managed to hold on to his title after a triple threat ladder match against "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski and B.S.O. member "Mean" Michael Burns. Mr. Lobo has held on to his belt via a lengthy string of accidents and pure dumb luck, but when will his luck run out?
But the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... what does our new general manager, Albert B. Fall, the secretary of the interior during the Harding presidency who was responsible for the infamous Teapot Dome scandal, have in store for us tonight? Fall has promised that his first act as general manager would SHA-A-AKE the federation to its very core. What plan could he have in store for us tonight?
Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening, a one-on-one match between ..."
(then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling, the lights in the arena went out ... and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, general manager Albert B. Fall walked to the ring and grabbed a microphone ...
"As your new general manager, it is my job to ..."
"...shut up. SHUT UP! Shut up, I say! I demand silence!" (chants grow louder) "As I was saying, as your new general manager, it is my job to make things exciting around here. Therefore, as my first act as GM, I have decided that tonight's main event will be a GVWA Championship match ... Mr. Lobo will be putting his title belt on the line against ... the winner of a randomly selected 12-person over-the-top-rope balle royale. And that battle royale will occur ... NOW!"
12 PERSON OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE ROYAL RUMBLE FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:
This match started out with two randomly selected wrestlers in the ring ...
EDDIE IZZARD and JACK WHITE
Jack White, one time #1 contender for the championship, fought long and hard with British transvestite comedian Izzard, but Eddie refused to give up. They fought on and on and were soon joined by ...
"Pimpin'" JESSE CEE
... and, in his first ever match ...
"Intense" IAN MCEWAN
Jesse immediately attacked the former #1 contender while Izzard attacked newcomer Ian. But Ian showed intense speed and skill, probably a result of his recent quitting of smoking, and quickly injured Eddie's back. But Jack White, hoping to have another shot at the GVWA championship, broke free from Jesse and landed his finishing move, the Hotel Yorba Check Out, on Ian, then easily threw him over the top rope, elliminating him.
The crazed murderer and cult leader ran into the ring covered in blood, his long matted hair covering up his new tattoo of actor Abe Vigoda covering his entire chest. Manson ran into the ring, screamed something about taco shells, then dove over the top rope, thereby elliminating himself, a first in the world of fake pro wrestling.
Jackson and White made an unlikely team but nevertheless teamed up with each other, bringing the pain to Izzard and Jesse. Jackson, in a fit of child molester rage, tossed Jesse over the top rope.
The New York Times bestselling author, whose book "Killing Yourself to Live" is available at your nearest Barnes and Noble, ran in and started bodyslamming everybody he could get his hands on. But Izzard, showing amazing wrestling prowess, somehow managed to land a massive face kick on Jack White, throing him over the top rope.
JESUS H. CHRIST
The Son of God and long-haired hippie was met by an angry Klosterman and the two started trading blows. Then a revitalized Eddie Izzard picked up the feminine Jackson and tossed him out of the ring.
God, who has been trying to get his hands on his son Jesus for months now, finally saw his chance and ran to the ring. Jesus looked frightened and tried to hide, but God ran into the ring and immediately started punching, kicking, and chopping Christ. Klosterman managed to trip Eddie Izzard, sending him straight out of the ring.
Silent comedian Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle, whose life is brilliantly put into perspective by author Jerry Stahl's new book "I, Fatty" available now at your nearest Barnes and Noble, ran in and immediately started fighting Spin magazine contributor and author Klosterman as God and Jesus continued fighting one another. Fatty managed to land his finishing move, the Coke Bottle Bodyslam on Klosterman, knocking him out and making him easy to toss out of the ring.
Bookseller, large tittied sexpot and B.S.O. member Marisa ran in and immediately started attacking Jesus, then God, as Jesus saw this as a chance to escape his father and began attacking Fatty, who was too exhausted from elliminating Chuck to fight back and was easily tossed out by the son of god. Then, suprisingly, the last wrestler to enter the contest was ...
... so, the final four in the ring were God, Jesus, Lletterman and Marisa. God tried to continue his attack on Jesus but a frightened, cowardly Jesus jumped out of the ring, elliminating himself. God vowed revenge but as he was doing so Marisa and Letterman teamed up and began double teaming the massive deity. Then, in a shocking act, Marisa TURNED on Letterman, throwing him out when he wasn't looking. Then God, with the same brute strength he used on New Orleans, picked up Marisa and threw her out of the ring. AND THAT IS THE BELL! God wins! God wins! God gets a title shot against Mr. Lobo later tonight! Can Mr. Lobo somehow keep the belt after going toe to toe with God? We'll see tonight ...
'MATCH LENGTH: 21.13
"WHAT ... WHAT THE ... It ... it looks like ... it looks like Johnny Depp has been attacked backstage. We, we don't know the extent of his injuries or ... or who attacked him, but EMT's are helping him as we speak. And Johnny Depp is one of the three wrestlers who will be fighting later on in the triple threat guest referee match for at shot at the championship nect week. If he can't wrestle ... what happens then?"
Criswell VS "Pre-Marriage" Lance (of the B.S.O.)
Lance, one half of the tag team champions and one of the founding members of the B.S.O., came to the ring backed by his fellow B.S.O. member and tag title holder Jesse, who seemed intensely upset over his loss in the 12-man battle royale. And as the bell rang, in a shocking display of violence, both Lance AND Jesse ran into the ring and attacked Criswell with their heavy championship belts. The referee, Bea Arthur's clitoris, had to ring the bell and stop the match but that didn't stop the tag champions from attacking Criswell. To add to the carnage, fellow B.S.O. member and at one poing #1 contender for Mr. Lobo's title "Mean" Michael Burns, ran to the ring and helped Lance and Jesse in their attack on Criswell, eventually leaving him a bloody mess in the ring. Jesse, the apparent leader of the B.S.O., grabbed a mic and vented his frustration at Albert B. Fall for the "unfair" battle royale. Jesse then said that the B.S.O. was poised to take over and that soon, very soon, the Book Seller Order would be the holders of the GVWA championship.
MATCH LENGTH: 00.00
WOMEN'S TITLE MATCH:
CHAMPION Ed Wood VS Vampira
"I'm sick and tired ..." Ed said at the start of his match, "... of people telling me that I'm weak, that I''m a sissy, and that I'm only holding on to the women's championship because I'm cheating and weasling my way around. I'm sick of it. So no more. No more cheating. No more weasling. From here on out ... you're looking at the hardcore Ed Wood!" And with that, Ed threw the microphone at Vampira's face, causing her to bleed. Ed them went on a tremendous assault, attacking Vampira with a fury of kicks and punchesm causing the challenger to bleed even more, causing the ref to eventually ring the bell and stop the match due to extreme blood loss. Ed Wood keeps his women's championship. Can anyone stop this new hardcore Ed Wood?
MATCH LENGTH: 6.48
WINNER: Ed Wood
A TRIPLE THREAT GUEST REFEREE MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP NEXT WEEK:
Choir Boy VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski VS Johnny Depp
In the interest of fairness, general manager Albert B. Fall came to the ring and announced that Johnny Depp was injured and no longer able to compete in the match. So, Fall decided in his abscence to replace him with the next to last person in the ring from tonight's 12-person battle royale ... and that just happened to be ... B.S.O. member "Angry" Marisa, who came to the ring with "Mean" Michael Burns backing her. What a suprise, the B.S.O. somehow finds their way into this match, but that's not the only suprise, because the special guest referee was none other than ... Reverend Steve! The bell rang and all three contestants ran at one another and exploded in a violent orgy of destruction, which sounds neat. But the real question here isn't who would win but would Steve side with somebody? Would he favor his old school friends Choir boy and Greg Kaczynski or would he help Marisa and maybe even join the B.S.O.? At the start of this match, old school friends Choir Boy and the Photographer teamed up against the weaker Marisa, injured and exhausted from the battle royale. But as the Choir Boy went for the pin on Marisa, referee Steve refused to count, picking up Choir Boy and giving him one of his trademark Reverend Steve Stunners, then giving another one to the Photpgrapher. Both men knocked out, a groggy Marisa stumbled over to Greg and landed a flimsy rear choke hold and, with shades of Earl Hebner screwing Brett Hart out of the WWF championship in Montreal, Steve rang the bell, ending the match and giving Risa the win. The B.S.O. then ran into the ring and started attacking Greg and Choir Boy. Jesse, happy as punch that th e B.S.O. were going to get another shot at the title, offered a B.S.O. t-shirt to Reverend Steve but he simply turned around and walked away. Steve refuses the B.S.O. shirt ... but he didn't say no, either. Hmmm ...
MATCH LENGTH: 11.21
WINNER: "Angry" Marisa
(a shot of the B.S.O. walking backstage celebrating with champagne and cigars and hookers ... "Intense" Ian McEwan walks up to them and begs them to let him join the B.S.O. but Jesse says that he doesn't make the rules, that he'll have to talk it over with "our leader" ... WHAT? Jesse isn't the leader of the Book Seller Order? Then, if Jesse isn't the leader of the B.S.O. ... then who IS?)
A HARDCORE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:
"CHAMPION" Jimi Hendrix VS Adolph Hitler
In another shocking turn of events, Hilter came to the ring accompanied by Shaun Morgan, the lead singer of the band Seether. When they entered the ring, Shaun grabbed the mic and said how he was a babyface, good guy, high morals, even dated that almost hot christian chick singer from Evanessence who looks like she'd have a furry snatch, but that being a good guy got him nowhere. Now that he was with Hitler, he would finally start going places. As the bell rang, Hendrix started decimating Hitler with his brute strength and superior guitar skills, eventually throwing him out of the ring. But that's where Shaun was waiting, grabbing a 2 x 4 underneath the ring and walloping Jimi with it, cracking the thick 2 x 4 and cracking Hendrix wide open, causing him to bleed profusely. Hitler capitalized, attcking Hendrix with such ferocity that you'd think Hendrix was jewish. THEN, out of nowhere, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE in a long, dark cloak ran out amd attacked Hitler, causing all four wrestlers to battle it out outside of the ring. In the melee, Hendrix landed a running spear on Hitler, shoving him to the ringpost, then as Hitler was injured, he managed to land his linishing move, a modified suplex that he calls "The Experience," which led to a pin. Hendrix wins and remains the savior ... but who was the mysterious stranger who helped Hendrix win?
MATCH LENGTH: 9.28
WINNER: Jimi Hendrix
"WOW, what a night! We've already had some intense action and some incredibly unbelievable and rather flimsy plot twists! Ed Wood shows his hardcore side, Reverend Steve screws over the Choir Boy and the Photographer, Johnny Depp is injured at the hands of an unknown assailant, Jimi Hendrix remains the savior due to the help of a mysterious stranger, and the B.S.O. lands a title shot next week at our next Deviance. It's already been an incredible night of fictitious professional wrestling ... but now we have our big main event for the GVWA championship. Can Mr. Lobo defeat God? We're about to find out ..."
OUR MAIN EVENT ...
A SINGLE MATCH FOR THE THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:
"CHAMPION" Mr. Lobo VS God
God, at nearly eight feet tall, came to the ring first, stepping over the ring ropes in an impressive display of size if you've ever seen like Undertaker or Big Show do it, but you probaby haven't because you're not a wrestling geek in rehab like I am. Next was television host Mr. Lobo, who, always looking for a way to weasle his way into kepping his championship belt, came to the ring backed by son of god Jesus H. Christ! What a shock! Jesus is backing Mr. Lobo. God is shocked by this and Lobo has a shit-eating grin on his face, knowing that the advantage is now his.
At the sound of the bell, God charged Lobo, hitting him with a massive clothesline that almost sent Lobo flying out of his three piece suit that he ALWAYS wears. God followed that up with a bodyslam and a figure four leglock, hoping to make the champion tap out. Lobo tried to counter by bodyslamming the diety but at a full eight feet, Lobo could barely lift him, ler alone bodyslam him. God, angered at the champ's attempts to lift him, benchpressed Lobo and tossed him out of the ring like he did Marisa earlier in the night. Lobo flew like a rag doll, colliding with Jesus, sending the two of them to the hard concrete floor. Mr. Lobo doesn't seem to have a chance.
God yelled at Lobo, taunting him to come back into the ring. Lobo lifted himself up and entered the ring, this time with Jesus, and the two of them tackled God, sending him to the floor. With Jesus' help, Lobo was able to lift God up and bodyslam him down to the mat with shades of Hulk Hogan/Andre the Giant Wrestlemania match looming in everyone's mind. Then Jesus helped throw God out of the ring, where they set him up on top of the vietnamese announce table. And as everyone knows, announce tables exist to be broken in the world of professional wrestling. Could Lobo do it? The momentum has shifted in his favor boy could he drive the final nail into the coffin and slam God through the announce table?
Mr. Lobo climbed up to stand on the vietnamese announce table and picked up God, signalling for a piledriver. God seemed completely out of it. Jesus was jumping up and down, excited to finally be rid of his father. It looked like the end. Then, out of nowhere, down the ramp came running deceased comedian ANDY KAUFMAN to try to help God. Jesus ran to try and stop Kaufman and Lobo stopped his piledriver attempt, confused at Kaufman's interferance. That second or two of confusion was all that God needed. He reversed the piledirver position, sending Mr. Lobo falling hard through the announce table. Both men now injured and exhausted, God stood up and landed his finishing move, a deadly "Deity DDT" onto the hard, wood-strewn concrete floor, and the rolled onto Lobo for a three count. THE WINNER ... AND NEW GVWA CHAMPION ... IS GOD!!! God wins! God wins! God is our new champion!
MATCH LENGTH: 24.31
"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Jesus sided with Mr. Lobo to spite his father, but with some help from comedian Andy Kaufman, God is our new GVWA Champion! God has beaten all the odds and is our brand new GVWA Champion! But next week, God's first title defense will be against "Angry" Marisa and the B.S.O. ... can God remain the champion or will the B.S.O. finally rule the entire federation? And who is the real leader of the B.S.O.?
I cannot believe the incredible turn of events tonight. I cannot believe that we have a new champion. And I cannot wait to see what happens next week at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had fun and that you join us again next week for even more frightening fake professional wrestling. Thank you and good night!"