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Friday, October 14, 2005

GVWA Deviance - Hookersville, West Virginia

(a blank screen for five seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Bitch" by Amazing Transparent Man)




"Hello! Nameless Announcer here and WELCOME to the Jude Law Nanny Brothel and Snack Bar where Jude Law and other semiattractive foriegn actors come to screw themselves a nanny! And this massive brothel and snack bar is located smack dab in the middle of the bustling metropolis known as Hookersville, West Virginia which, suprisingly, is a REAL city! Can you believe it? And we are here semi-LIVE for another gum-smacking episode of GVWA Deviance, America's premiere fake weekly wrestling show! And believe me when I say that you are in for an exciting night of entirely fake semi-offensive professional wrestling.


Wow, what a month it has been for the Galindo Video Wrestling Association! Our new general manager Albert B. Fall, the secretary of the interior during the Harding presidency who was jailed for his involvement in the lenendary Teapot Dome scandal, has turned the GVWA on it's head. We have had two GVWA Champions in the past two weeks ... God defeating longtime GVWA champion and television horror host Mr. Lobo ... and then "Angry" Marisa of the Book Seller Order, the dreaded B.S.O. defeating God with the help of Satan and the B.S.O. who now control the championship title and therefore the GVWA itself! Can anyone defeat the B.S.O.? Well, tonight the B.S.O. will be throwing themselves a massive VICTORY PARTY for Marisa's championship win ... BUT the big question is, will somebody be crashing the party?


Also, our main event tonight will be a BIG one, a first in the history of professional wrestling, a "FOUR-WAY/FIRST-BLOOD ELLIMINATION" match, four men fighting each other for a shot at Marisa's championship title and the only way to be elliminated is for you to be cut wide open! Four men will face each other and three men will leave bloodied and bruised until only one person remains, one person who will go on to face "Angry" Marisa at our next pay-per-view, GVWA Halloween Herpes on Sunday, October 30th. WHO will become the number one contender?


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to the ring ..."



B.S.O. VICTORY PARTY:


The ring is full with the Book Seller Order. And they are all drinking. Heavily. Marisa, the new GVWA Champion, has the championship belt around her waist and a vodka around her lips. She is wearing a hat that she bought at target for only three dollars, hence her finishing move, the "Three Dollar Slap." She is smiling in a way that says she's feeling a bit buzzed. She's saying something to Jesse about wanting to dress her cat up as a bumblebee for Halloween. Jesse, the voice of the B.S.O., is drinking something fruity and not-alcohol tasting, like a Long Island Iced Tea or a Sex on the Beach. He has a microphone but he hasn't spoken yet. Pre-Marriage Lance, former tag team title holder, is drinking an O'Doul's and smoking a joint with "Intense" Ian McEwan. The last B.S.O. member, "Mean" Michael Burns, is drinking a beer. They're all talking loudly, patting each other on the back, celebrating as the audience boos loudly. It's almost as if they can't hear the boo's at all, they are so happy.


Jesse starts to talk, his speech just slightly slurred. "On August 4th, 2005, Lance and I destroyed then GVWA Champion Mr. Lobo. Afterwards we decided to gather together all the employees of Barnes and Noble Booksellers and form a federation called The Book Seller Order. We said that we were going to take over the GVWA ... and we ended with a simple phrase ... that in the GVWA you were either literate or you were deceased. Now, two months later, the B.S.O. completely rules the GVWA! All that I have said has come true! Thanks to the brains and boobs of Marisa, the unchecked anger of Lance, the intensity and massive chops of Ian, the 'Nightmare Before Christmas' obsessed, metrosexual nature of Michael Burns ..." Jesse says, patting each one on the back, "... and thanks to the leadership skills of the HIGHER POWER, the REAL leader of the B.S.O. ... we are in control! We are in charge! Our leader's great master plan has finally come to life, and now no one will be able to ..."


And with that the lights go out, an angelic chorus begins playing, and one lone golden spotlight breaks open the darkness to show the arrival of "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski, The Choir Boy, and Jesus Christ. They walk to the ring, standing outside looking menacing. The B.S.O. are caught off guard, staggering a bit, trying to look like they're ready to fight and not totally drunk. Greg grabs a mic and begins talking. "Jesus, The Choir Boy and I, we're sick and tired of the B.S.O. coming in here and taking over. So we've decided to get together and form our OWN federation. We're ... THE CATHOLICS! And we've got something that you Book Sellers don't have. We have ... catholic GUILT, the most powerful force in the world! And we're going to use that guilt to gain members, to gain power, to gain strength, and to take over the entire GVWA! We're going to do it for the good of its soul. We're going to cleanse the GVWA and baptize it in the waters of goodness ... and neither you nor anyone else in this entire wrestling association will be able to ..."


And with that the lights go out, the song "Night on Bald Mountain" begins playing, and one lone blood red spotlight opens the darkness to reveal Satan and his follower Bill Hicks who walked down the ring and stood beside The Catholics, both groups ready at any second to start fighting each other. Meanwhile, the B.S.O. is still leaning on one another and trying to look sober, which they aren't. Satan walks up to Greg and grabs his mic and begins talking. "The Catholics, huh? You think you're going to take over the GVWA ... with what? Prayer? Being good? That's bullcrap. I know what this is all really about ..." Satan then walks up to Jesus, going nose to nose with him. "This is about YOU ... being afraid ... of your father. You've been dodging him since the first event in July. Every match you've had with God, you've ..." and that's all he was able to say before jesus slapped Satan across the face. Satan wiped his face and told Jesus "That was was for free." Then he took a few steps back and kept talking. "Hicks, Sublime Guy and I, we have been born to serve the order of Hell and we will make the GVWA submit to the order of Hell. And then, once we're done here, we will move on to the universe. For we are the Universal Hell Order!


"And as our first step towards the rise of the U.H.O. ... is Albert B. Fall has agreed to allow me to have a 'SOUL' match tonight against whoever I want. And, as is customary in a soul match, if I win ... I get your soul for eternal servitude to the Universal Hell Order. And that's just the beginning. When we have the numbers, the strength, the power, then we will overthrow the seats of power and RULE the GVWA and also the WORLD! And no one will be able to ..." and with that, the U.H.O. and the Catholics began fighting, causing total chaos. The B.S.O., completely drunk at this point, confusingly starts fighting each other. Michael Burns passes out. Albert B. Fall runs to the ring with a few referees to break up the chaos.


WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?



SINGLE MATCH:

Tim Burton VS The 2nd Suspect (?)


Tim ran to the ring, grabbed the mic, and said that last week he elliminated the first suspect, Alfred Hitchcock, in his ongoing search for the person who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp and cost him a title shot two weeks ago. He then said called out his second suspect ... JUDAS! The ultimate betrayer of Jesus danced to the ring wearing a basketball jersey, a silvery mask, and some hip hop bling-bling bought with blood money from betraying Christ to the Romans. Judas walked to the ring, grabbed the mic, and started saying something about "The Catholics" and about how he thought they should be dealt with when suddenly Burton violently attacked him, throwing himself on top of Judas and throwing hard punches to the face. Judas blocks his face from the punches. The look in Tim's eyes shows that this is personal. Judas stands up and, with his mighty strength, picks up Burton and starts tossing him around the ring like he was a rag doll. Judas continued showing off his strength and it looked like Burton had no chance. But out of nowhere he managed to land his partner's move, a Shawn Michaels-like finisher called the "21 Jump Kick," knocking Judas out and landing a pin. Judas is elliminated as the second suspect.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.12

WINNER: Tim Burton



(Women's Champion Ed Wood walks to the ring and talks about how he's the ultimate champion, having held the women's title belt since July. He then talks about his upcoming Women's Championship match against fellow transvestite Eddie Izzard at GVWA Halloween Herpes. He talked about how he was destines to win, then Izzard runs in and beats the tar out of Ed. Standard "getting ready for the pay-per-view" cop out plot point there. Nothing new. The plotline continues like Simba and the circle of life. Feel free to sing it ...)



TRIPLE THREAT MATCH:

Dirty Sanchez VS Charles Manson VS Mr. T.C.


Mr. Throat Cancer, in his premiere match, came to the ring smoking a cigar out of the hole in his neck. The Denis Leary song "I'm an Asshole" played as he walked to the ring. Charles Manson was covered in blood and scars, kinda like Sabu but grayer. Dirty Sanchez came to the ring wearing a sombrero and was dancing the samba. All three men entered the ring and menaced to one another. However, in a SUPRISE move, as soon as the bell rang Sanchez and Mr. T.C. both attacked Manson, T.C. charging him with a spear and holding him down, allowing Sanchez to assault him with a dazzling array of kicks and suplexes. Then the both of them landed a number of double team moves, injuring the cult leader murderer's back. Then, Dirty Sanchez and Mr. T.C. embraced and held up each other's arms in triumph, letting everyone in the Brothel know that they were now officially a team. With this now a 2-on-1 match, Sanchez and Cancer really took it to Manson, quickly working as an effective and experienced tag team to injure Manson and gain a pin.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.42

WINNER: Mr. T.C.



"Wow, what an incredible match! Who'd have thought that Dirty Sanchez and Mr. Throat Cancer would team up, leading Mr. T.C. to his first win? What a shocker! But why did these two team up ... click here to listen to a post-match interview with the winning team!"



"NUMBER 1 CONTENDERS FOR THE TAG TEAM TITLES" MATCH:

"Angry Breakup" Jesse & "Angry Bachelor" Lance "The B.S.O." VS The Choir Boy & Jesus Christ "The Catholics"


An incredible match between two intense teams, neither tag team showing any weakness or any signs of slowing down in the first ten minutes of what would have ALMOST been a classic tag team match. First, Jesse and Lance succeeded in isolating Jesus with double teams and quick tags out to one another. After a few minutes of a beatdown, Jesus managed to escape the B.S.O.'s corner and tag in the Choir Boy who made quick work of Jesse. Then, with the tables turned, Choir Boy and Jesus cornered Jesse in their corner, but he eventually tagged angry Lance into the match. Lance and Choir Boy wrestles evenly until the ten minute mark. Then, the Choir Boy signalled for his patented "Vestibule Takedown" but then, out of nowhere, REVEREND STEVE ran out and cracked the back of Choir Boy with a steel chair, causing the referee to call this match a DRAW! Jesse and Lance then joined Steve in attacking the Catholics. Then , as Choir Boy and Jesus lay motionless on the mat, Jesse raised Steve's hand up in victory ... but Steve yanked his hand back and walked out of the ring alone. Confusing ... is Steve a member of the B.S.O.?


MATCH LENGTH: 11.17

WINNER: DRAW



"The next match ... is the highly anticipated 'PARKING LOT' match, a first for the GVWA! It is between two heated rivals who have been at each other's throats since the rebirth of the federation back in July ... I am talking about Natasha Galindo and her niece "Double D" Deinna Disaster! It all started at our first pay-per-view Hardcore Homecoming when Deinna elliminated Natasha, causing Natasha's own daughter Emerald to seek vengance. But she would not get her vengance and at our last pay-per-view, Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005 Deinna would use a bat to injure Emerald, causing Natasha to RETURN to the GVWA and injure Double D in a shocking display of brutality. And when Deinna returned last week, it was Natasha that greeted her with her violent finishing move, the "Sexy Ass Wife!" And now, a hardcore parking lot match between these two fierce enemies as this incredibly intense rivalry heats up to boiling point ..."



"PARKING LOT" MATCH:

"Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha Galindo VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster


Natasha, wearing a black leather jacket and holding a bat in her hand, perhaps the same bat that Deinna used to injur Natasha's daughter Emerald in our last pay-per-view, wanders through the cars in the parking lot. She is so angry she's hitting the cars in fits of rage, shaking as she screams Deinna's name. Come out and fight, she screams at the top of her lungs. But no reply. Then the camera cuts to the ring. Deinna is there. She says that a hardcore parking lot match isn't something that a civilized lady such as herself should do and that she was going to forfit the match to Natasha. No hard feelings, she said. But then, as she laid the mic down on the floor and tried to exit the ring, Natasha came running down the aisle and into the ring, slamming Deinna with punches and kicks. Double D fights back and momentarily begins to show dominance but Natasha gains the upper hand with a swift kick to the stomache that sends Deinna doubled over. Tasha throws deinna through the ring ropes and out of the ring, then grabs her by the hair and drags her through the gorilla entrance (nerdy wrestling talk for the entrance that the wrestlers come in and out of) and through the backstage area until the both of them were in the parking lot. Once there, Natasha choke slammed Double D onto a parked car, denting the hood and hurting Deinna's back. Then Natasha looked around the parking lot until she found a trash can. She picked it up and unloaded on her with it, then threw that away, picked up a fire extinguisher and did the same, now cutting Deinna open. Then Natasha threw that away and looked for another weapon to use. But then a LONG BLACK CAR screeched its way through the parking and HIT NATASHA, sending her flying! The door to the car opened and out waltzed none other than BETTY PAIGE! Paige and Deinna embraced and began double teaming Natasha. Then, a wandering wrestler, author CHUCK KLOSTERMAN, who was heading to his car, saw the commotion and ran to help, landing his finishing move, the "Fargo Rock City" on Deinna, which allowed a now injured Natasha to crawl on Double D for the win. Natasha wins ... but at what price?


MATCH LENGTH: 13.49

WINNER: Natasha Galindo



"... and now it's time for the big SOUL MATCH, where Satan will get the chance to fight ANYONE in the GVWA and if he wins ... he gets their SOUL! The first ever soul match happened way back on December 24th, 1998 at our first EVER pay-per-view, the GVWA Birth of Christ Bash, where then newcomer Satan battled deceased Galindo family dog "Dude" for his soul in the second round of a GVWA Championship tournament. Satan won that match by pinfall but ended up losing to God in the next round. Recently, Satan and his new follower, deceased comedian Bill Hicks, tried to resurrect the dreaded "soul match" at our last pay-per-view only to find their so-called Universal Hell Order decimated. Now, with this next soul match coming up, who may end up joining the U.H.O. next?"



SOUL MATCH:

Satan (of the U.H.O.) VS ???


Satan and Bill Hicks, the Universal Hell Order, came to the ring. Satan grabbed the microphone and says that this soul match was not only OKed by general manager Albert B. Fall ... but it was HIS IDEA! He then says that once he wins a brand new soul to join Bill Hicks in eternal servitude to the U.H.O. then Satan will enter the big "Four Way/First Blood Ellimination" match and take his first steps towards ruling the entire federation. Then Satan called out his choice for the soul match ... Dead Guy From Sublime! But before the match even started, That One Dead Singer From Sublime got the mic and said that, since he owed Satan big for allowing him to win the Savior Championship last week, he announced that he would forgo the soul match ... and join the U.H.O. of his own FREE WILL! He knelt down in front of Satan amidst a chorus of boo's from the audience. "Arise, my child of darkness," Satan said, embracing him. And as they embraced, JIMI HENDRIX ran out and knocked out all three of U.H.O. with a steel chair, then ran off.


MATCH LENGTH: 00.00

WINNER: ----



"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Satan forms the Universal Hell Order and Jesus forms The Catholics to try and topple the Book Seller Order ... and the big question on everybody's mind, HAS Reverend Steve joined the B.S.O.? Well, don't forget that our NEXT GVWA fake Pay-Per-View will be GVWA HALLOWEEN HERPES and it will be on Sunday, October 30th, 2005. It will originate LIVE from Mother Theresa's Rotting Corpse in beautiful downtown Nogales, Arizona. Tickets are on sale NOWHERE because it's simply the figment of a disturbed mind, so get them NOW before they sell out! And the big main event will be new GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa going up againt the winner of our next match ..."



AND NOW, OUR MA-A-A-AIN EVENT ...

A "FOUR WAY/FIRST BLOOD ELLIMINATION" MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:


"Horror Television Host" Mr. Lobo VS Satan (of the U.H.O.) VS God VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski


Satan was first, walking to the ring accompanied by Bill Hicks and That One Guy From Sublime Who O.D.ed I Think of the Universal Hell Order. Satan had a bandage over his head and the rest of the U.H.O. didn't look too good. "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski was next and he was flanked, just like Satan, by Jesus Christ and The Choir Boy of The Catholics, who looked furious amd ready for a fight. Syndicated television late night horror host Mr. Lobo was next, but stopped at the gorilla entrance, a mic in his hand. "This is an unfair match. The both of you are too afraid to fight the first and one TRUE champion, which is ME! So, if you guys are going to bring muscle ... then so am I." And with that, out came CRISWELL and VAMPIRA, two staples from Ed Wood's films who were apparently ready to back Mr. Lobo. God, however, came out alone smoking a cigarette. God doesn't need anybody to help him kick some mortal ass.


The bell rang and all four men went at it, exchanging blows and kicks at each other. Then as the match settles, God and Satan, longtime rivals and one time partners, started going at it against each other with Mr. Lobo trying to get a few shots in at God, the man who won the title from him. Meanwhile, the Photographersnuck out of the ring, grabbed the steel ring steps, and slid back into the ring, hoping to quickly elliminate his other opponents. Greg focused on Mr. Lobo first, charging him with the steps and walloping him, quickly cutting him wide oven with the gagged steps. Lobo, bloody and angry, walked out of the ring and towards the exit ... but then stopped, turned around, and ran back to the ring, shocking the audience. Lobo DRAGGED Greg outside the ring where his cronies began punching and kicking the Photographer. Meanwhile, Satan seemed to have the upper hand against God, who started to weaken. Satan signalled for one of his fierce "Hell Slams" but God countered it, DDT-ing Satan right ON the steel ring steps, cutting Satan open and elliminating him, now leaving only a tired God and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski.


Satan left the ring but refused to leave ringside, just like Lobo, and there seemed to be a car wreck outside with The Catholics fighting Satan and his U.H.O. who were fighting Greg and Lobo's lackeys. God picked himself up in the ring, reached out one of his massive arms and PULLEd Greg back inside the ring, ducking him off. Greg thanked God and the two shook each other's hands. Then, in an UNPRECIDENTED move, God bowed his head, closed his eyes, and REFUSED to fight Greg! Greg looked stunned, then grabbed the steel ring steps and started unloading on the deity, trying but failing to make him bleed. God would simply take the blow, then stand back up, bow his head, close his eyes, and allow Greg to do it again, which he did with a NUMBER of weapons ... a steel chair, a microphone, a tuba, and even a ferret, but each time not being able to cut God open. Finally, Greg threw God out of the ring and onto the Columbian announce table, where Greg managed to bodyslam him on the table, shattering the table and FINALLY cutting God open. The bell rings, the fighting parties stop and look around, and a confused Greg quickly runs out. GREG goes on to face Marisa!.


MATCH LENGTH: 19.24

WINNER: "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski



"Wow, what an incredible night, what an incredible match, what an incredible series of events! God allows the Photographer to beat him in the main event, leaving the door open for The Photographer of the Catholics to fight "Angry" Marisa of the B.S.O. for the GVWA Championship! I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA DEVIANCE, our LAST Deviance before our big pay-per-view HALLOWEEN HERPES! What will general manager and the only U.S. cabinet member to be jailed for a crime committed in office Albert B. fall have in store for us next week?


Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun and that you join us NEXT WEEK for more frightening fake pro wrestling which will be LIVE at the Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse in senic downtown Hayward, Wisconsin. Hope to see you then. Thank you and good night!"

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