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Thursday, October 20, 2005

GVWA Deviance - Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse

(a blank screen for four seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Plan 9" by Crutial Head)




"Hello and welcome to the Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse located in the middle of beautiful downtown Hayward, Wisconsin and we are here fictitiously LIVE for another rousingly implausible episode GVWA Deviance, the world's premiere weekly fake wrestling show ... and believe me when I say that you are in for an incredibly exciting night of imaginary semi-offensive professional wrestling.


Well, this massive six story cock ring warehouse is abuzz with tension seeing as how we are on the ROAD to HERPES ... Halloween Herpes, that is, our next pay-per-view, and this being our last episode of Deviance before the pay-per-view there are a lot of unanswered tonight. First off, can Jesse and Lance of the Book Seller Order succeed in taking back their tag titles ... and just WHO is the apparent "real" leader of the B.S.O.? Also, Tim Burton continues his search tonight for the person responsible for attacking his tag partner Johnny Depp three weeks ago. He is on his third suspet tonight. Will tonight be the night he finds out the truth? Also, who will walk out of Hayward, Wisconsin the GVWA Savior Champion as new champion and U.H.O. Universal Hell Order member That One Dead Guy From Sublime defends his title against Andy Kaufman? Can The Guy From Sublime hang on to his title?


And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... what is the big announcement that our new general manager Albert B Fall, the secretary of the interior from the Harding presidency that was responsible for the infamous Teapot Dome scandal, has regarding the main event at Halloween Herpes? He has promised us that, whatever his announcement is, it will shake the GVWA to its very core! What does Fall have in store for us tonight?


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this yakkin' and go straight to our first match of the evening, a hardcore match between ..."



(Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling, the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring.)





Albert B. Fall walked into the middle of the ring, grabbed a microphone, and DEMANDED that God come out to face him. Albert had some questions to ask God and he would answer them and answer them truthfully, otherwise Albert would FIRE God on the spot! Albert waited a few seconds and then angelic music began playing and God, former GVWA champion, walked down the ramp and into the ring, going nose to nose with the G.M.. Fall then demanded to know why he allowed "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski to beat him and win a shot at the GVWA championship last week in the big "Four Way/First Blood Ellimination" main event. God grabbed the mic, paused for a little bit, and then said that he had some longstanding overdue beef against his old friend Satan ... and that he still had some unfinished business with former champion and television horror host Mr. Lobo ... but that Greg Kaczynski was innocent. He had nothing against Greg. Fall then asked why he didn't want to win the match, to which god said that he had no further need for the GVWA championship. What he really wanted, though, was ... a shot at his son, Jesus, who has been avoiding fighting his father since the federation started back up in July. All God had wanted was to get his hands around his son's neck and beat some sense into him but every chance he's gotten, Jesus has found some way to weasle his way out of the match and God was sick of it. So God got on his knees and BEGGED Fall for a match, God versus Jesus, one on one, with no way for Jesus to escape out of the match. Fall though it over ... and agreed, that at GVWA Halloween herpes, which will be on Sunday October 30th, it would be Jesus versus God ... and if Jesus were to quit, forfeit, or ctry to get a substitute, he would be FIRED! God stood back up, shook Fall's hand, and walked back to the backstage area. Fall then said that he would be here all night making matches for the pay-per-view, then said that sometime before the end of the night, that he would make his MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT regarding the main event Marisa versus Greg match for the GVWA championship, an announcement that would SHAKE the GVWA to its very core. And with that, his music began playing and he walked away.



(A shot backstage, as the entire B.S.O. still seems to be celebrating "Angry" Marisa's GVWA championship victory from two weeks ago. The entire Book Seller Order is at a smokey little dirtbar drinking and smoking and singing kareoke. Marisa is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea and singing "Son of a Preacher Man" as Lance, "Pimpin" Jesse Cee, "Intense" Ian McEwan and "Mean" Michael Burns looks on and applaud. Jesse and Lance then say that the B.S.O. will continue their winning streak tonight when they take back their tag titles from Jack White and Michael Jackson ... and that Marisa will keep her championship title at Halloween Herpes with help from their "real" leader ... what could that mean? Who is the real leader of the B.S.O.? )



SINGLE MATCH:

Tim Burton VS 3rd Suspect (?)


Director Tim Burton, who has been conduction an investigation into who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp three weeks ago, walks into the ring and grabs a microphone. He says that after tonight he has only two more suspects left ... and that after he finishes with suspect #3 tonight, he will go on to face BOTH of the remaining suspects in a handicapped match at GVWA Halloween Herpes! But before that, he had to "elliminate" his third suspect. And with that, out came suspect #3 ... deceased schizophrenic musician WESLEY WILLIS! As the bell rang, Tin attacked with his newfound intensity but found himself charging a brick wall which was the massive Willis. The hefty skitzo dominated the wiry director with bodyslams, fireman carried, arm bars, and fierce low blows. Burton tried in vain to counter but he found himself unable to lift Willis' massive frame. This was not just a decisive win. This was a slaughter, the childlike Willis slamming and tossing Burton like a toy, eventually landing his finishing move, the "Rock Over London" right on the concrete floor, gaining an easy pin. Afterwards, a medical team had to escort Burton out of the arena. Willis has an impressive victory but will Tim Burton be able to continue his investigation next week at Halloween Herpes?


MATCH LENGTH: 8.08

WINNER: Wesley Willis



SINGLE MATCH:

Dirty Sanchez VS White Businessman


"This match is a joke! I was the biggest name in the TWWF, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, and now I'm wrestling scrubs for their first matches? Thiss is crap!" Sanchez says in the ring with his new partner Mr. T.C. by his side. "Everyone knows that me and Mr. Throat Cancer here are the newest and most dominant tag team that the GVWA has ever seen! We want a title shot! We want the tag belts! We want ..." and with that the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that Sanchez was right, that they SHOULD get a chance at the titles ... and they WOULD! He then announced an eight-team tag team tournament to prove the undisputed tag team champions ... and team number one would be Dirty Sanchez and Mr. T.C.. Sanchez then started talking about how they were destines to win but was inturrupted by White Businessman, who attacked Sanchez from behind with his cell phone, starting the match. White Businessman, wearing a snappy jet black business suit and a phantom-like mask covering his entire face, countered Sanchez's fast arial style of kicks and jumps with his own rough street style of fighting, catching Sanchez off guard. Looking for another way to win, Sanchez started landing submission move after submission move, hoping to weaken Businessman's legs with ankle locks and figure four leg locks. But Businessman, in an impressive display, wasn't having any of that, breaking free of every submission move Ssanchez landed. Eventually, a weary Dirty Sanchez tapped out to a submission choke called "The Board Meeting." With a major loss so close to Halloween Herpes, what are Sanchez and Mr Throat Cancer's chances now at winning the tag titles?


MATCH LENGTH: 14.53

WINNER: White Businessman



("Double D" Deinna Disaster tracks down Albert B. Fall backstage and DEMANDS a rematch against "Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha NEXT! Fall thinks about it and then makes another Herpes match ... Deinna versus Natasha at Halloween Herpes ... in a STEEL CAGE MATCH! Deinna says that's great but she still wants Natasha tonight. Fall then says "Well, last week you guys had a parking lot match, one of the most brutal matches in Deviance history ... so ... how about ... a BARROOM BRAWL! Next!")



BARROOM BRAWL:

"Double D" Deinna Disaster VS "Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha Galindo


Natasha walked up to the doors of The Dirt Bar, a tiny little bar located in the lobby of the Jeff Buckley Cock Ring Warehouse, and found Deinna waiting for her in front of the doors. The two immediately went toe-to-toe, staring each other down. Natasha said that even though she's still injured from being run over by Betty Page during last week's match, she'd still be happy to kick Deinna's little brat ass. Deinna then told natasha to just bring it, then Natasha laughed at her for using such a stupid movie reference. But the two of them were both in for a shock, for when they pushed open the doors of the bar they found themselves face to face with ... "Intense" Ian McEwan, "Mean" Michael Burns and new GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa of the Book Seller Order! At first, Natasha and Deinna raise their fists, ready to fight the B.S.O., but Marisa assures them that they aren't there to start trouble or interfere in what she called their "stupid little match" ... she assured them that they were there for one reason, to get wasted. With that, the B.S.O. take seats in the back of the bar and both women look at each other and start fighting, starting the match. Deinna quickly attacked Natasha with brute force and wild punches, so Natasha tried to counter with punches, reversals, and leg-based submission moves. But Deinna quickly gained an upper hand against the tired, injured Natasha Galindo. Natasha tried to fight back by using every inch of the tily little dirt bar as a weapon, using beer bottles, ashtrays, bar stools and even the dart board against Deinna, but with a tenacity that I haven't seen in a long time, Deinna just kept getting back on her feet for more. As the seven minute mark arrived, both women were bloody and bruised, Natasha looking like she would pass out at any minute and Double D finally starting to look weary. Then, out of NOWHERE, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling write-ups like this one, in came Natasha's daughter EMERALD GALINDO, who was last seen being injured by Deinna at our last pay-per-view! With Emerald's help, Natasha looked like she was going to win this match ... then, out of NOWHERE once more, in came THE CHOIR BOY to help Deinna, which caused the entire B.S.O. to stand up and take notice. So as Choir Boy, Emerald, Natasha and Deinna fought against one another, Natasha grabbed Deinna and signalled for her "Sexy Ass Wife" finishing move, but Choir Boy landed a low blow on Natasha, then threw Natasha onto a pool table. Double D then climbed onto the table and landed her finishing move, "The Measles," onto Natasha., slamming her through the table, then landing a pin. Deinna, victorious, ran out of the bar. Choir Boy walked right up to the B.S.O., going nose-to-nose with them before walking out behind Deinna?


MATCH LENGTH: 14.33

WINNER: "Double D" Deinna Disaster



SAVIOR TITLE MATCH:

"Champion" The Dead Guy From Sublime VS Andy Kaufman


New champion That One Guy Who Hella Died From That Sublime Band came down to the ring accompanied by fellow Universal hell Order members Satan and Bill Hicks. But as they entered the ring, That Dead Sublime Guy said to his U.H.O. teammates that he wanted Kaufman all to himself and sent the others backstage. As the bell rang, these two deceased gladiators went at it, fighting with an intensity never before seen in the ostentatious O.D.-ed grunge musician and the somewhat annoying possibly jewish comedian. This was an intense match, both wrestkers quickly reversing each other's moves, neither one showing any weakness or any sign of backing down. Then, in an act of frustration, Kaufman threw Dead Guy From Sublime out of the ring where he managed to slow his opponent's momentum down. Returning back into the ring, Andy signalled for his "I'm From Hollywood" finisher when suddenly old friend turned rival DAVID LETTERMAN ran into the ring and piledrived Kaufman, injuring his neck ALL OVER AGAIN, allowing That Guy From Sublime to land his finishing move, "That One Sublime Song," and gaining an easy pin. That One Dude From Sublime celebrated his win ... and with that the lights in the arena went out ... the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that first off, next week there would be a fatal four wat ellimination match for a shot at the Savior championship. Then he turned and faced Kaufman, saying that he would be facing David Letterman at Halloween Herpes ... in a LADDER MATCH!


MATCH LENGTH: 11.52

WINNER: That One Guy From Sublime



"WOW, what an incredible night so far ... and what an incredible night it will be on Sunday, October 30th, 2005 when GVWA Halloween Herpes will come to you live on pay-per-view from Mother Theresa's rotting corpse in beautiful downtown El Centro, California ... so that will be NEXT SUNDAY fictitiously live. Next thursday, in lieu of Deviance, we will be bringing you a very special historical retrospective of the GVWA, taking a look back to the early beginnings of the federation in 1998 and how it has transformed into the mammoth fictional juggernaut it is today. So join us next week for "GVWA: A Look Back" and Halloween Herpes 2005!"



TRIPLE THREAT GUEST REFEREE MATCH:

Eddie Izzard VS Jesus Christ (of "the Catholics") VS Chuck Klosterman


Jesus walked to the ring accompanied by his fellow "Catholic" members The Choir Boy and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski. Jesus walked into the ring, grabbed the mic, and said that their organization will soon be growing, that a new, powerful member will be joining their organization next week at Halloween Herpes, and that it is such a big name that everyone everywhere is going to be absolutely stunned. Chuck Klosterman walked into the ring next, followed by Eddie Izzard who will be facing transvestite and Women's champion Ed Wood at Halloween Herpes. Then the special guest referee walked down the ramp into the ring. Klosterman and Christ smiled but Izzard didn't ... and that's because the special guest ref was none other that ... ED WOOD! As the bell rang, a silent pack seemed to have been made as Jesus and New York Times bestselling music author Chuck Klosterman started double teaming Izzard. This went on for quite some time until it seemed that Izzard might even have been injured after a massive "Body of Christ" bodyslam. But then, Chuck saw his opportunity to win and turned on Jesus, kicking him in the crotch and landing his "Fargo Rock City" finishing move. But as Chuck attacked Jesus, transvestite british stand up comedian Izzard rolled out of the ring, grabbed a steel chair, and ran back into the ring, laying waste to both men. It was then that Ed Wood decided to step in, grabbing the chair from Eddie Izzard ... and then NAILING him with it, cutting Izzard open and sending him straight to the canvas. A weary Klosterman then crawled onto Izzard for the count and Wood gave him a very quick three. Klosterman manages to squeeze out an impressive win. Now, all that's left is for Ed to face Eddie for the Women's title!


MATCH LENGTH: 10.41

WINNER: Chuck Klosterman



AND NOW ...

OUR MAIN EVENT ...

A GVWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:


"CHAMPIONS" Michael Jackson & Jack White "Two Jax" VS "Pimpin" Jesse Cee & "Pre-Nikara" Lance "The B.S.O."


The lights went out in the arena, pyrotechnics flashed in the darkness, and out came the entire the Book Seller Order ... Jesse, Lance, Ian McEwan, Michael Burns and new GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa. They all walked into the ring and Jesse grabbed a mic. Jesse then said that he PROMISES that the B.S.O. will win back the tag team championship ... and that the REAL leader of the B.S.O. will make himself finally be known at Halloween Herpes. He then started saying something about his "good friend" Reverend Steve but he was inturruped by the loud, thunderous riff on the song "Blue Orchid" by the White Stripes, signalling the arrival of "The Two Jax," Jack White and Michael Jackson, the NEW GVWA tag team champions, who were met by a thunderous round of applause! White Stripes frontman Jack White grabbed the mic from Jesse and said that he was sick and tired of the B.S.O. acting like bullies, throwing their weight around, trying to take over the GVWA. He then said that somebody ought to stop them from being the wolf pack of fake professional wrestling.


Just then the lights in the arena went out, his theme music began playing, and as the lights came back up, the only U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office Mr. Albert B. Fall marched into the ring. He said that he had two pieces of business, the first of which was that the B.S.O. was banned from ringside for this main event match, which caused the Book Seller Order to start screaming in rage, refusing to leave. Just then, four armed guards came into the ring to escort them out, must to their dismay. Then, with that done, Fall decided that it was time to announce the BIG NEWS regarding the main event at GVWA Halloween Herpes ... the main event, the GVWA championship match between champion "Angry" Marisa and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski ... would now be a TRIPLE THREAT match between Marisa, Greg ... and the man who HELPED Marisa get her title, Universal Hell Order leader and dark prince of the underworld Satan! With that, Fall left and the big tag team title match got underway.


The Book Seller Order were able to gain an early lead in this match, cornering White in their corner and quickly slowing him down with kicks and chokes. Lance then landed a Book Seller Splash which led to a very close two count. The pummeling of White continued until the six minute mark, when he somehow managed to escape, finally making the tag to Jackson, who ran in and just started angrily, blindly punching everything and everyone he could see. When the smoke settled, Jackson focused his attack on Jesse's arms and legs, trying to weaken him for a submission win. Then, a tag to angry pre-child Lance led to all four combatants running in and attacking each other, causing complete and total anarchy in the ring. In the fracas, Jack White threw Jesse out of the ring and onto the Iranian announce table, where he landed his fierce "Hotel Yorba Check Out," sending Jesse head first through the unforgiving table. Lance tried to help Jesse but got caught in a clothesline from hell for his worries, injuring his neck. After that, it was downhill for the now injured B.S.O. who were now no match for the fierce tag champions. Jesse managed to tag back Lance at the twelve minute mark, but Lance wasn't too much of a help, getting caught in another "Hotel Yorba Check Out," which led to a three count. The B.S.O. are roundly defeated in an impressive display of strength and strategy.


MATCH LENGTH: 17.28

WINNER: "Two Jax" Jack White & Michael Jackson



(After the match, Jack White grabbed the mic and said that it was high time that the B.S.O. were taught a lesson and that at Halloween Herpes after him and Michael Jackson keep their tag titles in the eight-team tag tournament, he intended to teach the B.S.O. a lesson they wouldn't soon forget! Then, out of nowhere, Mr. Lobo and Criswell, one of the eight teams, ran into the ring and attacked White and Jackson. Then Adolph Hitler and Charles Manson, another team, ran in and started attacking everyone else, followed by the team of Bill Hicks and The Guy From Sublime from the U.H.O. ... and in all this madness of violence, the camera fades to black, ending another episode of GVWA Deviance ... )

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