NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, October 6, 2005

GVWA Deviance - Westvaco, Wyoming



(a blank screen for three seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Deviltown" by the Groovie Ghoulies)


"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, the world's premiere semi-weekly fake professional wrestling television show. We are here live at the sold out Robert Plant Auditorium in beautiful downtown Westvaco, Wyoming and believe me when I say that you are in for an incredible night of semi-offensive fictitious professional wrestling. The audience here tonight is excited, it's full of ex-child molesters that were bussed in from Nevada, so this should be an especially rowdy night!


There are a lot of questions waiting to be answered tonight. First off, the Book Seller Order, the so-called "B.S.O." are poised to take over the GVWA tonight as "Angry" Marisa takes on new GVWA champion and creator of existance God. Will the B.S.O. succeed tonight? Also, let's not forget that last week "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski and the Choir Boy were both screwed out of a title shot. Greg has vowed to get his revenge tonight. What does he have in store? And tonight Jesse and Lance of the B.S.O. put their tag team championship titles on the line against the team of Jack White and Michael Jackson, a team who call themselves The Two Jax, can they succeed? And just WHO is the REAL leader of the B.S.O.?


And, in other BIG NEWS ... you've probably already know this, you've probably already read about this on one of those wrestling web sites or a wrestling news site, but as you all know our competition, the TWWF, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, whom we've been in a raitings war with for three months now, just lost one of their BIGGEST talents. And yes, the rumors are true, we HAVE signed him ... and he WILL be in action tonight! In a submission match, Elvis Presley will go up against, in his first ever GVWA match, the legendary masked Mexican luchador ...
Dirty Sanchez!


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."



A SINGLE MATCH:

Tim Burton VS Alfred Hitchcock


As former tag team title holder Burton walked into the ring, the crowd started chanting "Depp, Depp, Depp ..." in reference to Johnny Depp, Burton's tag partner and collaborator who was attacked backstage last week by an unknown assailant. Tim grabbed the microphone and announced that Depp was in stable condition at Ringo Star Memorial Hospital and will be out for at least a month. Burton went on to explain that he has been investigating the attack on Depp and has narrowed the list of possible suspects to five wrestlers, five individuals, and that every week he was going to have a match with one of the suspects and kick their ass, elliminating them one by one until he knows who did it ... and Hitchcock was suspect number one. With that, Tim dropped the mic and charged the fat director. Tim fought with an intensity unseen in the scrawny, nerdy cult film director. A series of chops, armbars, hurricanrannas, and a massive flying dropkick from the top turnbuckle led to Burton getting a quick rollup and an easy win. Tim Burton elliminates his first suspect.


MATCH LENGTH: 9.07

WINNER: Tim Burton



"We are here backstage with 'Double D' Deinna Disaster, one of the meanest seven year olds in the history of fake professional wrestling ... click right here to hear her interview!"



SUBMISSION MATCH:

Elvis VS Dirty Sanchez


Elvis wasn't even halfway to the ring when the song "Malaguena Salerosa" by Chingon began playing and out from the back there came former TWWF champion Dirty Sanchez, wearing faded jeans and a black wife beater, his long black hair almost covering his strange grey mask that covers his face. The crowd were on their feet, chanting "Hola Sanchez, Hola Sanchez," his trademark. Dirty Sanchez walked into the ring and, ignoring his competition, grabbed a microphone and started talking trash about his former employer, the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation and their general manager, the conceited Tom Wegner. But as soon as he was about to say a story he heard backstage in the TWWF about Tom Wegner and a drunk sheep, Elvis blindsided him with a running kick to the back of the head. At first Sanchez was unable to use his trademark suplexes on the fat white trash Presley, so Elvis kept attacking him with eye rakes, fireman carries, and swift kicks to the jimmy. Then, out of nowhere, Sanchez managed to lift the bloated king and bodyslammed him. This injured the king's back but also exhausted Sanchez. Just then, FRANK SINATRA ran out to help Elvis but Sanchez jumped up and landed his DDT neckbreaker finishing move which he calls the "Donkey Punch" on both Sinatra and Elvis, then made the king tap out from a devastating ankle lock. Dirty Sanchez wins his first GVWA match!


MATCH LENGTH: 10.32

WINNER: Dirty Sanchez



TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPIONS" Jesse & Lance (of the B.S.O.) VS Jack White & Michael Jackson "The Two Jax"


The tag team champions "Angry Breakup" Jesse and "Pre-Son" Lance came out to the ring with fellow B.S.O. member "Mean" Michael Burns. So, to even up the score, White and Jackson waved to the back and out ran ... well, more like waddled, crazy deceased singer WESLEY WILLIS to be in their corner. Then the bell rang and the match got underway. The tag champions were easily matched by The Two Jax, who tagged each other out repeatedly and used a series of high intensity double teams to slow down the champs. But Jesse and Lance's roughneck style of fighting made this match even right down the middle. As the ten minute matk arrived, the two still showed no sign of quitting. Lance decided to go hardcore and throw Jackson out of the ring where Michael Burns and deceased skitzo Willis joined the match, causing total chaos. It was all six men running in and out of the ring in an orgy of destruction. In the melee, White and Jackson injured Jesse with a double neckbreaker, then threw Lance back into the ring. White ran in and landed his Hotel Yorba Check Out finishing move, knocking out Lance. White then got a three count and the match was in the history books. The Two Jax, Jack White and Michael Jackson are the NEW tag team champions!


MATCH LENGTH: 17.23

WINNER: "The Two Jax" Jack White & Michael Jackson



"Before our big triple threat match for a shot at the women's championship, we'd like to say that next week, GVWA Deviance will come to you LIVE from the Jude Law Nanny Brothel and Snack Bar in downtown Hookersville, West Virginia ... and there will be a first time ever FOUR WAY/1st BLOOD ELLIMINATION MATCH for the #1 contender spot for the GVWA championship. And our new general manager and the secretary of the interior who was jailed for his role in the Teapot Dome scandal during the Harding administration, Mr. Albert B. Fall, has promised that by the end of the night we will know what four wrestlers will be competing for a shot at the GVWA championship!"



TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:

"Double D" Deinna Disaster VS Britney Spears VS "Bitch" Heather New


All three contestants were in the ring, looking oevr their compeditors, stretching out, ready for the bell to ring and the match to get underway. But as they waited, the lights in the arena went out and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing. As the lights came back up, general manager and the first U.S. cabinet member to go to prison for a crime committed in office Albert B. Fall walked down to the ring. Albert grabbed a mic and announced that this schedule triple threatr match would NOW be a fatal four way ellimination match. And then, shockingly, the fourth contestant walked down to the ring. It was none other than ... British transvestite comedian EDDIE IZZARD! Then, once he entered the ring, the bell rang and all three women ganged up on Izzard, then threw him out of the ring, high fiving each other and laughing. But what they didn't know is that while Izzard was outside the ring, he crawled underneath it and grabbed a 2 x 4 which he used to succeed in what everyone in America has once dreamed of doing ... beating the living shit out of white trash whore Britney Spears with a blunt fucking object. Spears was cracked open and bloody, allowing Izzard an easy pin. Then Izzard ran out of the ring to rest while a rear choke hold made lying bitchwhore Heather, leaving Double D and Eddie Izzard remaining. Deinna did a suicide dive out of the ring, knocking Izzard against the korean announce table. She then threw him back into the ring and attacked him with all the ferocity of a drunk irishman on St. Patrick's Day. It looked like Deinna was going to win when all of a sudden WOODIAN ANGEL NATASHA, who injured Deinna at GVWA Cheesy Pay-Per-View Title 2005, ran to ringside, grabbed the steel ring steps, threw them into the ring and landed her "SEXY ASS WIFE" neckbreaker, throwing Deinna's face into the steel steps, cracking her wide open in an orgy of blood, allowing Izzard to gain a pin. Eddie Izzzard wins and goes on to challenge Women's champion and fellow transvestite Eddie Wood! And it looks like Natasha Galindo is back and gunning for vengance!


MATCH LENGTH: 14.32

WINNER: Eddie Izzard



FIRST BLOOD MATCH:

The Choir Boy VS Tor Johnson


"Listen, just ... before we start this match, Tor, just listen to me ..." the Choir Boy said at the start of this match, holding his hand out to try and stop Tor from attacking him. "Look, the B.S.O. have to be stopped. A couple of the other wrestlers and I are thinking of joining up to try and stop them and if you'd join us, your muscle, your anger, you could help us and put and end to ..." but he was inturrupted by a vicious spear that sent the Choir Boy head first into the ring post. Apparently Tor had heard enough. Tor then attacked with an impressive speed for such a fat, dead wrestler. Tor attacked with a flurry of punches, then picked the Choir Boy up and threw him over the top rope like he was a rag doll. But then, in an incredible display of strength, as Tor posed for the audience the Choir Boy ran back into the ring and suplexed Tor, actually lifting the massive Johnson over his back and dropping him headfirst onto the canvas. With Tor dazed on the ground, Choir Boy climbed up to the top turnbuckle and landed an impressive flying elbow reminiscent of Shawn Michaels, cracking Tor wide open. With that, the bell was rung and the ref held the Choir Boy's arm up in victory. But his victory was short lived as an enraged Jesse and Lance ran into the ring with steel chairs in hand and proceeded to beat the living hell out of both Choir Boy AND Tor Johnson, just lashing out with violent, blind rage, not stopping until both men were covered with blood. The Choir Boy wins ... but at what price?


MATCH LENGTH: 9.51

WINNER: The Choir Boy



"Our next GVWA fake Pay-Per-View will be GVWA HALLOWEEN HERPES and it will be on Sunday, October 30th, 2005. It will originate LIVE from Mother Theresa's Rotting Corpse in beautiful downtown Nogales, Arizona. Tickets are on sale NOWHERE because it's simply the figment of a disturbed mind, so get them NOW before they sell out!"



TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:

"CHAMPION" Jimi Hendrix VS Harry Potter VS Andy Kaufman


"I don't have to take crap from third rate jobbers like you two. I need this title like I need another pimple on my ass," an angry Harry Potter said into the microphone before the start of the match. "Look ... I'm Harry fucking Potter. The chosen one! I'm the biggest bestseller in history. This measely little Savior title can kiss my ass." And with that, Potter threw the microphone down and started to walk out of the ring. But he was stopped by a joint-smoking Hendrix, who called Potter a limey coward. Potter then said that he had much BIGGER plans in store for the GVWA other than winning some meaningless title and that soon, very soon, everyone would see the fruits of his labor. After that archaic setup for a major plot point in the near future, Potter flipped everyone off and started to exit the ring. Then, suddenly, the lights went out ... and when they came back on, Potter was lying motionless in the middle of the ring, apparently attacked by the man standing above him who happened to be the mysterious cloaked figure from last week's savior title match. He threw Potter's limp body out of the ring and removed his cloak, revealing himself to be none other than ... DEAD GUY FROM SUBLIME! Just then the bell rang and the match became a triple threat match between Hendrix, Kaufman, and newcomer Dead Guy From Sublime. Very quickly, Kaufman and Dead Sublime Dude teamed up, slowing down the stoned champion. They worked strong and methodically, chopping Hendrix down bit by bit. But this team didn't last long as the two eventually started fighting one another, allowing Hendrix to grab a steel chair and even up the match, cutting That One Dead Singer Dude From Sublime wide open. All three men injured and losing steam, Hendrix threw Dead Sublime Person out of the ring and landed "The Experience" on Kaufman, then went for the pin. But just then, The Dark Lord SATAN ran out to the ring and broke up the count. Looking stronger and healthier than ever, Satan picked up Hendrix and Kaufman and landed his deadly Hell Slam on the both of them, then picked up Dead Sublime Guy and threw him on to Hendrix, allowing him to get a three count. We have a brand new savior! That Guy Who Died Who Was In Sublime is the new Savior! And it looks like he's in cahoots with Satan. Could Satan be starting up his evil ministry of darkness again?


MATCH LENGTH: 18.35

WINNER: Dead Guy From Sublime



"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Satan's ministry has a rebirth, Tim Burton hunts down the attacker of his tag partner, Dirty Sanchez jumps from the TWWF to the GVWA, Jack White and Michael Jackson take the tag team titles from the Book Seller Order and an enraged Jesse and Lance take their anger out on Tor Johnson and the Choir Boy, and That One Guy From Sublime Who I Think O.D.ed Or Something is our brand new Savior! Two major titles have changed hands tonight. Now the only question left is CAN "Angry" Marisa and the B.S.O. take the GVWA championship from God?


I guess we're about to find out ..."



AND NOW, OUR MAIN EVENT ...

A "NO DISQUALIFICATION" GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:


"CHAMPION" God VS "Angry" Marisa Johnson (of the B.S.O.)


As expected, Marisa came to the ring backed by the combined weight of the Book Seller Order, a vicious gang of intellectual bullies that prefer to travel in packs. Behind her were Jesse and Lance, still cross about losing their tag titles, as well as "Mean" Michael Burns and even newcomer and Barnes and Noble employee "Intense" Ian McEwan, a man who begged to be included in the B.S.O. last week who has apparently been accepted into the fold as he walked down to the ring, his face beeming with pride as he wore his brand new B.S.O. t-shirt. But new GVWA champion God wasn't phased by this. He grabbed the mic and told off Marisa, telling her that no matter how many people Marisa brought with her to hide behind, she still had to face judgement day sooner or later.


The bell rang and like a swarm of bees swarming to a bee convention the B.S.O. rushed into the ring and started kicking the holy hell out of God. After a good minute of their gang warfare they grabbed the massive deity, allowing Marisa to land a series of punches, kicks, and finally a lightning fast running spear that sent God to the canvas. Marisa, now feeling confident about her chances, sent the B.S.O. out of the ring and continued punching and kicking God, who looked somewhat like a wet dog now that he was being thoroughly beaten by this plucky, loveable young bookseller with the nice ass titties. People even began chanting her name over and over again. Just like when people cheered for N.W.O. Hogan during his Wrestlemania match againt The Rock, despite her being alligned with the evil B.S.O. the crowd somehow began to side with Marisa.


Just then, scrappy young Marisa managed to lift up and bodyslam the massive creator of the universe, causing a "HOLY POOP" chant from the audience. Click right here to listen to this part of the match ...


This incredible display of strength not only damaged God's back but also exhausted Marisa. This caused the B.S.O. to run back into the ring and continue their attack on God. The lights in the arena went out and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing. As the lights came back up, general manager and bribe-taking U.S. cabinet member Albert B. Fall came to the ring and announced that every songle member of the Book Seller Order was from here on out BANNED from interfering with the rest of this match. Jesse, Lance, Michael Burns and chops-laden Ian McEwan left ringside in anger. Maybe this was going to be a clean fight from here on out.


Once the B.S.O. was gone, God found some inner fortitude, getting to his feet before Marisa. He threw her out of the ring and led her through the ring entrance, through the backstage area, and into the dressing room. There, God found a bat and took a few practice swings, getting ready to punish Marisa for her sins. Then, out of nowhere, old rival SATAN ran and smashed God in the skull with a pair of brass knuckles. Satan then went and offered to helped Marisa up. At first Marisa was reluctant to accept help from the Prince of Darkness but after seeing God cracked open, the two started violently attacking God with brass knuckles, steel chairs and pretty much anything they could get their hands on. Then, out of nowhere, "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski came and smashed a camera over Satan's head, knocking him out.


Greg then faced Marisa and raised his fist to punch her. Marisa cowered in fear. But Greg's fist just stood there, slightly trembling. Greg couldn't find it in his heart to punch a woman. Marisa stood herself up straight, thanked Greg, and then kicked him in the balls, sending him to the floor. Then Marisa picked up a rather limp God and landed what she calls her "Three Dollar Slap," knocking God out and allowing her to cover him for a three count. MARISA WINS! MARISA IS THE NEW GVWA CHAMPION!


MATCH LENGTH: 21.46

WINNER: "Angry" Marisa (of the B.S.O.)



(Marisa fell to her knees, cvrying as she held the GVWA championship. And as she cried, she slowly realized that she wasn't alone in the dressing room. Someone was behind her. She stood up and turned around. It was general manager Albert B. Fall.)


"Marisa ... let me be the first to congradulate you on your incredible victory. You've done the impossible and defeated God himself, gained a one-two-three count and now you are the GVWA champion, quite the amazing feat. Next week ... you have the night off ... and if I were you, I'd spend that night TRAINING ... because next week, our main event, it's going to be the first ever 4 Way/1st Blood Ellimination match for a shot at YOUR title ... and the participants are going to be ... "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski, Satan, former GVWA champion and television horror host Mr. Lobo ... and your new best friend Satan."


(With that said, Fall walked away leaving Marisa's jaw hanging almost to the floor.)



"Wow, I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight. We have a BRAND NEW GVWA champion and it is none other than "Angry" Marisa Johnson! Who would have thought it were possible? Marisa somehow has done the impossible. And now it looks like the B.S.O. has won. can they ever be stopped?


I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA DEVIANCE! What's going to happen next? Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun and that you join us again for more frightening fake pro wrestling. Thank you and good night!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dead Guy from Sublime? Dude, you are messed up!