NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, October 31, 2005

GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005 pay-per-view

(a blank screen for nine seconds, then a shot of a packed audience yelling, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Triple Freak Me Out (Beastie Boys/Franz Ferdinan mash up)" by Party Ben)


"Hello and welcome to Mother Theresa's Rotting Corpse, smack dab in the middle of El Centro, California which is such a cultural mecca that the teenagers spend their evenings cruising around the sole Burger King ... and we are here fictitiously LIVE for GVWA Halloween Herpes 2005, which is being brought to you tonight by Homosexuality and 'Cop Rock: The Complete Series' seventeen disk special edition DVD, available now at all Stuckey's! And believe me when I say that you are in for an incredible night of fake semi-offensive professional wrestling.


There are a leperous buttload of questions that are waiting to be answered tonight. First off, can GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa of the B.S.O., the dreaded Book Seller Order, hold on to her championship belt in a three way match against "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski of The Catholics and dark lord Satan of the U.H.O., the fearsome Universal Hell Order? Can Marisa and the B.S.O. keep their power against The Catholics and the U.H.O.? Also tonight, the real leader of the Book Seller Order plans to reveal himself AND Catholics leader Jesus H. Christ promises that a MAJOR player in the GVWA will join their ranks. Who will it be? And also tonight, strange director Tim Burton finally gets to the bottom of just who attacked his partner Johnny Depp last month.


And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... who will rule the GVWA once the smoke clears?


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."



WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"Champion" Ed Wood VS Eddie Izzard


The night opened on a loud gathering of angry, big tittied femininity as a massive swelling of female GVWA wrestlers gathered in the ring to protest the next match. GVWA champion Marisa joined, among others, Emerald and Natasha Galindo, Vampira, Betty Page, Britney Spears, and supremely fugly actress Andie MacDowell. They were chanting "Hell no, we won't go!" and waving placards denouncing transvestites Eddie Izzard and champion Ed Wood. Just then, GVWA general manager and the secretary of the interior during the Harding presidency who was the one responsible for the scandalous Teapot Done oil reserve scandal Albert B. Fall walked up to the ring holding a microphone. He demanded that the women leave but Marisa grabbed the mic from him and registered her anger over the fact that since July a MAN, a transvestite male, has been the WOMEN's champion and tonight he was going to defend the women's title against another man. That was an outrage, Marisa said, and as the GVWA champion she DEMANDED that Fall stop this match. Fall took back his microphone and said that the match would continue ... and besides, Marisa probably wouldn't be the champion after tonight anyway, at which point an angry "Angry" Marisa let loose one of her trademark "Three Dollar Slaps," sending Albert to the floor. Angered, Marisa stormed out of the ring, followed by the other females. Then, Eddie Izzard walked to the ring, followed by champion Ed Wood, who walked down to the ring to the song "Ode to Ed Wood" by Jack Lukeman, available on iTunes. Ed started this match with amazing intensity, but was cut short as Izzard took the match outside the ring, slowing the champion down with bodyslams and a powerful chokeslam on the hard floor. Izzard then began to injure Ed's legs with leg locks and figure fours, but a swift shot to Izzard's head with a white cat that was sleeping under the ring swung the match back to Ed's advantage (PERSONAL NOTE - it was my daughter Emerald's idea for Ed Wood to use a white cat to attack Eddie Izzard, which is absolutely awesome). Ed then took the match back to the ring, where a series of furious kicks and chops did their damage to Izzard. It seemed like this match would soon be over. Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase way overused in wrestling write-ups like this one, pin up queen BETTY PAGE, who was out here protesting earlier, ran out and knocked out BOTH compeditors with a steel chair. And as she walked back to the backstage area, a bloody Izzard rolled onto the knocked out champion, gaining a three count. Eddie Izzard WINS! Eddie Izzard is now the new women's champion!!


MATCH LENGTH: 8.50

WINNER: Eddie Izzard



(Albert B. Fall shown backstage in an office behind a desk. Natasha Galindo and "Double D" Deinna Disaster sit angrily in chairs in front of the desk, looking at each other as if they could start trading blows at any second. Fall says that he called the both of them in there in regards to their steel cage match later tonight and goes on to explain that with Natasha still healing from being run over two weeks ago and what with Deinna being beaten to within an inch of her life by Natasha for three straight weeks now, Fall has decided to make this match a TAG TEAM CAGE MATCH. Both women started screaming and arguing, but Fall inturrupted them, saying that there were two matches before their match ... the God versus Jesus match and the big Andy Kaufman/David Letterman ladder match, so they both had only two matches to find themselves a partner. Natasha and Deinna both stood up, complaining to themselves, but as they both walked to the door, Fall stopped Deinna. When they were alone, Fall told Deinna that she didn't need to look for a partner, that he had a very SPECIAL suprise tag team partner for her, someone from her personal life, someone she hasn't seen in a VERY long time. Deinna looked confused and frightened as the camera's cut to some crappy hip hop ad for shoes or something ... )



FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH:

God VS Jesus Christ (of The Catholics)


Deity and creator of all things God walked to the ring first, looking angry and confident in an N.W.O. Kevin Nash sort of way. He walked down to the ring, walked over the ring ropes, and stood in the center of the ring, awaiting his son. Many secodns passed and nothing happened. God, eternally patient, waited some more in the middle of the ring. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Jesus walked down the ring dressed in a three piece suit (think Batista but less buff and gay-looking). God was confused. Jesus walked into the ring, went toe-to-toe with God, and grabbed a microphone which, in the world of professional wrestling, somehow lurks everywhere. Jesus plucked the microphone from the sky and said that later tonight there is going to be a big eight team tag tournament for the tag team championship belts. The team of The Choir Boy and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski WERE scheduled to be in the tournament, but Greg is unable to compete due to his big main event title match. So, Jesus then said that Albert B. Fall has decreed that Jesus must take Greg's place, thereby making him UNABLE to fight God in the next match. Jesus then laughs and starts to apologize for not being able to fight Him, but a vengeful God decided he'd had enough and started wailing on his son, punching him with rapid fire shots to the face, cutting Jesus open. Jesus put his hands up, begging his father to stop, but God was unrelenting, continuing to unleash his fists of creation until seven referees had to run into the ring and hold God back. God ONCE AGAIN does not get his hands on his son. this heated rivalry continues ...



LADDER MATCH:

Andy Kaufman VS David Letterman


David Letterman and Andy Kaufman, two friends turned heated rivals, started their hatred of each other back in July at GVWA Hardcore Homecoming when David Letterman was the special guest referee in a three way match between Bill Hicks, Andy Kaufman, and Eddie Izzard. Kaufman landed a suicide dive through the ropes, accidentally hitting the talk show host. Since that time, Letterman has had it in for the deceased comedian. David Letterman quickly stunned experienced wrestler and former Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion Kaufman with a massive belly to belly suplex and a fierce face kick. Letterman continued with two tremendous piledrives, a move which Kaufman has a history with, and an incredible vertical suplex. This seemed to be leading to an easy win for Dave, who grabbed the ladder and set it up in the ring. But as he climbed the ladder, Kaufman rolled out of the ring, found a steel chair, and threw it into the ring, knocking Letterman's glasses off and sending him face first onto the mat. Kaufman then tried to make a comeback and ran into the ring, landing a series of moves that a dazed Letterman somehow managed to reverse. This furiated the comedian, who eventually screamed in rage and landed a rapid clothesline that floored the talk show host and one time crappy New York weatherman. Kaufman then tried to ascend the ladder but Letterman, on the floor, managed to kick the ladder, sending Kaufman flying OUT of the ring and onto the hard floor below. Letterman, sensing his opportunity for victory, set up the ladder and climbed to the top, where a briefcase hung from the roof. But once he was up on the ladder, he looked at the injured Kaufman and, in a pause reminiscent of Jeff Hardy when he was in the WWF and still talented, he dived through the air to Kaufman who, at the last second, rolled away, causing Letterman to come crashing down hard on the floor, leading the audience to start a huge "HOLY POOP" chant through the audience insside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse. With Letterman knocked out cold, Kaufman was able to stumble into the ring, climb the ladder, and take down the briefcase. And in th briefcase? A shot at Dead Guy from Sublime's Savior title next week at GVWA Deviance!


MATCH LENGTH: 8.50

WINNER: Eddie Izzard



"What an incredible night so far! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion and Andy Kaufman, in an incredible match, wins a Savior title shot next week against the U.H.O.'s That One Dead Dude from Sublime. And we're not even halfway done with tonight's pay-per-view. We still have the big eight man tag team tournament and the three way GVWA championship match! But next, we have what is NOW a tag team cage match ..."



A TAG TEAM STEEL CAGE MATCH:

"Sexy Ass Wife" Natasha & ??? VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster & ???


This intense rivalry started at Hardcore Homecoming in July and has just been building and building and building. Two weeks ago we had our first ever Parking Lot Match, which ended in Natasha being hit by a car being driven by Betty Page but winning due to help from New York Times bestselling music author Chuck Klosterman. Then, last week we had our first ever Bar Room Brawl which ended controversially with Catholics member The Choir Boy helping Deinna to win. Now, Natasha walks to the ring ... SHOCKINGLY being accompanied by her own daughter EMERALD GALINDO! Emerald, wrestling again after being injured by Deinna at our last pay-per-view, is now joining Natasha in her mad quest for venegance. Daughters Natasha and Emerald stood in the middle of the ring, waiting for Double D to come out with her partner. Deinna walked down the ring next, alone. Deinna walked down the ramp looking around her, looking very confused. Then, as she stood in the ring and eyes Natasha and Steve ... Deinna's tag team partner walked down the ring ... and it was none other than Deinna's estranged farther SHIRTLESS RANDAL! Natasha and Emerald were shocked. Deinna was too. She also looked a bit upset, a bit sad, and a bit frightened as well. As the cage lowered and the bell rang, Natasha and Emerald both charged at Double D and Shirtless Randal. A flury of rapid fire punches exploded in the center of the ring as Natasha fought her older brother Randal and Emerald fought her cousin Deinna. Their punches seemed to go on forever until Randal threw Natasha face first into the steel cage, catapulting her backwards onto her back on the canvas. randal then began to climb but Emerald poked Deinna in the eyes and then landed an impressive standing jumpkick that caused Randal to fall hard onto the ring. Then Natasha, standing up looking incredibly bloody from the steel cage, landed a massive chokeslam on Deinna, then focused on Randal with Emerald's help. In fact, they attacked Shirtless Randal for seven minutes with a double neckbreaker, a double piledriver, and a series of intense suplexes. The Galindo mother and sister were so focused on attacking the stronger Randal that they didn't notice Deinna stirring, standing up, and slowly climbing the cage behind Natasha and Emerald's back. By the time they noticed Deinna, she was climbing over the cage and climbing down to the floor. Her feet touched the floor, the bell rang, and Deinna ran through the enterance into the backstage area. Natasha and Emerald were stunned, but as the cage raised they CONTINUED their assault on Deinna's father ... cutting his tan shirtless chest open with devastating kicks. And Deinna, Randal's daughter, ran away without helping him. This rivalry has just heated up ....


MATCH LENGTH: 9.08

WINNER: "Double D" Deinna Disaster & Shirtless Randal



FOUR WAY ELLIMINATION MATCH:

Jimi Hendrix VS "Fatty" Arbuckle VS Manos: The Hands of Fate VS ???
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Former Savior champion Jimi Hendrix came out first to the opening riff of "Foxy Lady," followed by silent film star Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Then, newcomer and worst movie of all time Manos: The Hands of Fate came out wearing his iconic long black robe with crappy red hands sewn on either end. Manos, in his first match in the GVWA, walked into the ring accompanied by his drunk half-monster manservant Torgo. Manos plucked a mic from thin air and started talking bad dialogue about some vague god he worshipped ... when suddenly the lights went out, the audience screamed, and a dark brown light filled the arena followed by a smokey mist. Then, out came ... shockingly ... former GVWA wrestler and deceased sock monkey monster SNUFFY, back from the dead once more to seek vengance. What is he doing here? Why is he back again? What is this tall, masked, bloodthirsty sock monkey monster doing back in the GVWA after six years? As Snuffy walked slowly down to the ring, the three others were scared stiff. Wearing a red mask and standing well over seven feet tall, this remorseless monster walked over the ring ropes and stood in the center of the ring, silent and still. The bell rang ... and nobody moved. Nobody dared attack this tall monster first. Finally, Manos: The Hands of Fate continued talking about serving the god Manos ... and Snuffy grabbed his throat and landed such a massive chokeslam that the entire ring shook with fury. Then Snuffy pinned manos and landed an easy three count, elliminating The Hands of Fate. Then Snuffy stood up and, like before, stood silent and still like a statue erected in the center of the ring. Arbuckle and Hendrix, realizing that there was only one way to win this match, decided to charge Snuffy at the same time, landing punches and low blows and chokes on the massive monster but although it seemed to have no effect on him, Snuffy did not fight back. After a few minutes of their attack on him, Snuffy did the unthinkable and simply WALKED OUT of the ring and back to the backstage area, leaving the match. Both wrestlers were confused ... but Arbuckle was quick, attacking a still confused Hendrix and getting a rollup and a three count. Arbuckle gets a win ... but the real question here is WHY has Snuffy come back?....


MATCH LENGTH: 9.08

WINNER: Fatty Arbuckle



"Before we start the massive eight team tag championship tournament, we would like to remind you that NEXT WEEK another amazingly fictitious episode of GVWA Deviance will be coming to you LIVE next thursday, that's NEXT thursday November 10th, and it will be coming to you from the George Takei Flamin' Bath House in downtown Scoobeyville, New Jersey. Tickets are on sale at all Quick Stop and RST Video locations, so get yours now before they sell out ..."



EIGHT-TEAM TAG TOURNAMENT FOR THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS:


ROUND ONE:

Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Buddah & Negative Evil Foriegn Stereotype ("The Foriegn Heels") ...

The new team of evil foriegn bad guys, a team that calls themselves the Foriegn Heels, came out first to a chorus of boos as Buddah and the N.E.F.S. danced through the A-typical speech that all bad guys go though to get the audiences against them. Then the B.S.O., the former tag champions, came next, quickly taking it to the Foriegn Heels. The N.E.F.S. tried to injure Jesse with submission moves with a foriegn name to make him more of a heel, but the experienced team of Jesse and Lance made quick work of the newcomers and managed to advance.


MATCH LENGTH: 7.49

WINNER: The B.S.O.


Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) VS Mr. Lobo & Criswell ("Double Feature") ...

The beginning of this match was completely dominated by former GVWA champion and late night horror host Mr. Lobo, who immediately went to work on further injuring Jesus, who was beaten up earlier by his father God. Cornering him in Double Feature's corner, they managed to quickly take Jesus out of the game, almost winning. But Jesus somehow managed to tag in an angry Choir Boy, who utterly decimated Criswell and rival Lobo, eventually landing a massive Vestibule Takedown and gaining a three count.


MATCH LENGTH: 9.17

WINNER: The Catholics


Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Bill Hicks & That One Dead Guy From Sublime (The U.H.O.) ...

All eyes were on White Stripes frontman and devout catholic Jack White, who promised last week that he would send a strong message to the Book Seller Order. But Jack didn't even see ANY ring time in this first round match as accused child molester and monsterous looking freak Michael Jackson quickly gained a roll up on Bill Hicks, squeezing out an easy win. The tag team champions advance to the next round..


MATCH LENGTH: 4.31

WINNER: Two Jax


Adolph Hitler & Charles Manson ("F-ed Up") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Bandaged from his match last week, Dirty Sanchez, a former wrestler from the Tom Wegner Wrestling Federation, the TWWF, ugly moustached mass murderer Adolph Hitler quickly used this to his advantage with kicks and knee drops all focused on Sanchez's bandages. This made Mr. T.C. the dominant man in the Hardcore Freaks, but Sanchez was unable to tag him in. Hitler and Manson worked like an efficient team, tagging each other in quickly and not letting Sanchez tag. But when Hitler signalled for his Final Solution, Sanchez landed a fierce low blow, then tagged in Throat Cancer, who knocked out both Hitler and Manson, making Hitler tap out to an ankle lock. The Hardcore Freaks advance and face the tag champions in the semifinals.


MATCH LENGTH: 11.36

WINNER: Hardcore Freaks



SEMIFINALS:

Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Jesus & The Choir Boy (The Catholics) ...

This match was almost all Choir Boy, who started out this match enraged, quickly cutting both Lance and Jesse open. The crowd inside Mother Theresa's dead rotting corpse was all behind Choir Boy, chanting his name as he utterly decimated the B.S.O.'s chances at tag team gold. In fact, by the five minute mark it seemed as if it was all over as Choir Boy signalled for one of his Vestibule Takedowns ... but then, out of nowhere, REVEREND STEVE ran out to the ring with a bat and CRACKED Choir Boy's bat with a massive swing, sending him, to the ground with a sickening thud. Jesus came to help his partner but got another swing, this one to his stomach, sending the son of God on thee floor screaming in pain. Jesse then covers the Choir Boy and gets a three count, sending the B.S.O. into the finals! Jesse and Lance hugged as Steve continued his assault on Choir Boy with the wooden bat. Then, Jesse walked up to Steve, patted him on the back, raised Steve's arm in victory, and handed him a B.S.O. t-shirt. Steve took the shirt, smiled ... and then swung his bat, knocking out Jesse and Lance. Then Steve THREW the shirt on them, smiled again, and walked away. The Book Seller Order makes it to the finals but what are their chances now that Reverend Steve has refused to join?


MATCH LENGTH: 6.03

WINNER: The B.S.O.


Michael Jackson & Jack White ("Two Jax") VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

This match started out with Jack White going up against Mr. Throat Cancer. White took it to Mr. T.C. early on, slowing his momentun, but a massive headbutt cut the singer open, evening the match somewhat. White was dazed from being cut open but after a few minutes he rebounded, landing an amazing powerbomb on T.C. and then his finishing move, the Hotel Yorba Check Out. But as White went for the pin, deceased comedian BILL HICKS of the U.H.O. ran out with a steel chair and knocked out both of the champions as retalliation for their first round match. With both men knocked out, T.C. tagged in Dirty Sanchez, who gained an easy three count on Jack White. The tag champions are OUT of the tournament, meaning that we WILL have NEW tag team champions tonight ... but who will it be, the injured Hardcore Freaks or the injured B.S.O.? We're about to find out ...


MATCH LENGTH: 8.30

WINNER: Hardcore Freaks



FINALS:

Jesse & Lance (B.S.O.) VS Mr. T.C. & Dirty Sanchez ("Hardcore Freaks") ...

Both teams tired, both teams injured, both teams bandaged and bloody, this was to be an incredible, historic match between two weary compeditors, Jesse and Lance, the former champions, fighting against the two new upstarts, Dirty Sanchez and Mr. Throat Cancer. As the bell rang and this important match got underway, Lance and Dirty Sanchez started off against each other. Showing no mercy, angry pre-child Lance unleached a series of massive headbutts and arm bars, then landed four backbreakers and a camel clutch that ALMOST made Sanchez tap out. But as the match spilled out of the ring, Sanchez gained control with a series of devastating bodyslams on the hard floor. Then, a tag to Mr. T.C. sealed the deal as he struck Lance and Jesse with a series of deadly submission moves that led to Jesse eventually tapping out. The Hardcore Freaks are the NEW tag team champions!


MATCH LENGTH: 14.27

WINNER: Hardcore Freaks



"Um ... ladies and gentlemen, I ... it seems that I have an ... an announcement to make. It looks as if ... I have just received a message from our general manager Albert B. Fall ... and he has just now made the main event for next thursday's episode of Deviance. So, the main event will be ... a triple threat match for the Savior championship and it will be ... the GVWA Savior champion and Universal Hell Order member That One Guy From That Band Sublime going up against Andy Kaufman ... and Fatty Arbuckle!"..."



A TWO-ON-ONE HANDICAPPED MATCH:

Tim Burton VS ????? & ?????


This was it, the end of the road for director Tim Burton who, for over a month, has been trying to find out who attacked his tag team partner Johnny Depp. His list of five suspects has been elliminated to the last two suspects, whom he will now fight against. Tim, walking to the ring to the music of longtime collaborator Danny Elfman, walked straight to the ring, made a microphone appear out of thin air, and quickly said that enough was enough, that it was time to find out exactly WHO attacked Johnny Depp. So Burton cleared his throat, took a scrap of paper from his pocket, and SHOCKED the capacity crowd inside Mother Thereesa's corpse's stomach region by calling out his last two suspects ... HARRY POTTER and "Reading Rainbow" host LEVAR BURTON! The british bestseller and the black book pusher both walked down the ramp, both looking very confused. The two walked into the ring and quickly started speaking their case of innocence, trying to explain how they did not do it, when all of a sudden Burton GRABBED both men by their throats, choking them so fiercely that they were both sent to their knees. But as Burton yelled in their faces, the ENTIRE Book Seller Order, the entire B.S.O., "Intense" Ian, Jesse, Lance, Marisa and "Mean" Michael Burns ran into the ring and started attacking Burton. They let loose on him with kicks and punches, attacking like a wolf pack, unrelenting and primal, just stomping the life out of the director of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. And all the while, Harry Potter and Levar Burton just took a few steps back, each one smiling to themselves. Finally, after a small pool of blood began to form beneath Burton, Jesse plucked a mic from the air and said "SO ... now that you know ... who everybody's working for ..." gesturing towards either Harry or Levar. Then, as Harry Potter raised his arms up in some sort of victory position, Jesse walked towards LEVAR BURTON ... and raised his arm up! Harry looked shocked and grabbed a mic. "Hey ... are you guys saying that ... Levar is the leader of the B.S.O.? How can that be? The B.S.O. was MY idea! I started it!" Then Jesse grabbed the mic from his hands and slowly handed it to Levar who cleared his throat and began to speak. "Yes, Harry, the B.S.O. was your idea. You started it all. And that's all you did. The leader now ... is me." Then a sinister smile formed slowly on Levar's face. "But," he continued, "you don't have to take MY word for it!" And with that, the B.S.O. pounced on Harry Potter, attacking him with the same furiousness that they did Tim Burton. When they had their fill, Levar stopped them, laughing, and they all patted themselves and walked away.



AND NOW

OUR MAIN EVENT ...


A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:


"CHAMPION" "Angry" Marisa (B.S.O.) VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski (The Catholics) VS Dark Lord Satan (U.H.O.)


This was it, the big triple threat match, the WAR between the three incredibly powerfull factions that are trying to take over the GVWA ... the Cathoilics, the Universal Hell Order, and the Book Seller Order. Who would walk away the victor and sieze control of the entire federation?


The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena followed closely behind by Jesus Christ and The Choir Boy, both of whom were covered in stitches and bandages. Then, the lights went out again, but this time the arena was covered in an ominous red light and smoke. The opening to the song "Night on Bald Mountain" signalled the arrival of Satan, the leader ofthe U.H.O., the dreaded Universal Hell Order. Satan came to the ring accompanied by Bill Hicks and That Dead Guy Who Was In Sublime, his evil followers. Satan walked to the ring and announced that next thursday on the next episode of Deviance, there would be a SURPRISE Soul Match of major proportions. It looked as if he was then going to announce his opponent for the soul match but then, suddenly, some loud song by Rufus Wainwright started playing and out came GVWA Champion "Angry" Marisa wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance, Jesse, "Intense" Ian McEwan and the REAL leader of the B.S.O., black book pusher Levar Burton.


The bell rang and all three combatants rushed at each other, punching and kicking with furious intensity. Then Satan threw Marisa out of the ring which caused the ENTIRE B.S.O. to charge the ring. This in turn caused The Catholics to charge the ring which in turn led the U.H.O to rush into the ring, making the scene look like some soccer riot or a race riot in Toledo. Then, without warning, the lights in the arena went out and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing. As the lights came back up, the GVWA general manager and the only United States cabinet member that was ever sent to prison for a crime committed in office, Mr. Albert B. Fall, walked into the ring escorted by at least fifteen police officers. He then grabbed a mic and decreed that anyone NOT signed up to be this match needs to leave the ring immediately. There was cheers from the audience and angry screams from the people in the ring. Fall then dispached the police to the ring and within ten minutes the only people in the ring were Marisa, Greg and Satan.


Once they were alone in the ring again, Satan picked up Greg by the throat and violently threw him over the top rope and crashing down on the Hungarian announce table, breaking it into pieces. This essentially made this triple threat match a one-on-one match - various versions of this happens every single time a triple threat match happens in real professional wrestling, sadly. The dark lord Satan struck quick with a painful series of vicious clotheslines from hell (which makes sense, seeing how he's Satan and all) and chokeslams, quickly slowing down the cute, big breasted Marisa, who honestly had no chance to win without her muscle. Marisa did shift momentum back in her favor temporarily by kicking Satan in the nards (Satan's got nards?) but the demon god bounced back, getting Marisa in a modified walls of jericho that almost made Marisa tap out.


It was here that Greg somehow stood up, climbed to the top turnbuckle, and landed a vicious flying elbow to Satan's head, knocking his skull and stopping the submission move. With Marisa seemingly knocked out, Greg led an impressive assault against the dark lord, slowing down his momentum. When it looked all over, Greg stopped his assault and pretended to take a picture of Satan, which gave the dark lord just enough time to grab Greg by the throat, sending him down on one knee. Marisa stood up and kicked Satan's back, but he turned around, with Greg's throat still within his red hands, and grabbed Marisa as well.


Satan then signalled for his finishing move, the deadly Hell Slam. But then, the opening riff to the song "White Orchid" blasted through the arena and as the audience cheered, JACK WHITE ran into the ring and landed his finisher, the Hotel Yorba Check Out on Satan, knocking him out. Greg fell to the floor. Marisa stood up and outstretched her hand to shake Jack. But Jack simply looked at her hand, viciously kicked her in the stomach, and landed a second Hotel Yorba Check Out on Marisa, knocking HER out! Then, Jack White did the UNTHINKABLE ... he went down on both knees, made the sign of the cross, and started PRAYING! JACK WHITE has JOINED the CATHOLICS!


When he wad done praying, Jack stood up, again made the sign of the cross, and picked up fellow Catholics member Greg. They hugged and Greg pinned Satan, still knocked out from White's finisher. And Greg got a three count. Greg then fell to his knees and cried tears of thanks to Jesus for helping him win the title, to which Jesus came out from the dressing room and said thanks. Succeeding in doing what he promised he'd do months ago, the long road is over and "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski has WON the GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP! Greg is our NEW champion!!


MATCH LENGTH: 23:20

WINNER: "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski


"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Three title changes happened tonight! Eddie Izzard is now the Women's champion, The Hardcore Freaks win the tag titles in an incredible tag team tournament and Andy Kaufman wins a Savior title shot against That One Dead Dude from Sublime. Deinna pulls out another win against 'Sexy Ass Wife' Natasha due to help from her estranged father Shirtless Randal, the deceased sock puppet monster known as Snuffy returns, Levar Burton is the real leader of the B.S.O. and Greg Kaczynski wins the GVWA championship with a little bit of help from new catholics member Jack White.


I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens NEXT WEEK at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun reading all this crap and I sincerely hope that you join us again next week for more frighteningly fictitious professional wrestling.


Thank you and good night!"

3 comments:

Gregorio said...

holy shit! this is some incredible news to come home to on a drunk halloween night! sweet! i never doubted me! and you shouldnt have either! ....does it matter that im not really catholic anymore? NO MATTER! i win!!!! I WIN!!!!

FUCK ALL Y'ALL!

im playing me some half life 2 now...

TOR Hershman said...

Pope of Woodism, that is one MOST funny rassalin' parody.

Woodness is with Thee
on
Groovin' Safari,
TOR

Anonymous said...

Damn, I knew Levar Burton would lead us to greatness! But the real question is: How is he related to Tim Burton????