NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Morning in the Galindo household.


MOOD: happycontenthornyandhungry

BACKGROUND: Mix CD "Third Trimester"


Natasha is on her third trimester so she gets to sleep in. So when Emerald wakes up at seven in the morning and DEMANDS to be played with then it's up to me to be Super Pregnant Dad and get up with her, It's just another cool early morning doing nothing with me and Emerald, who seems to grow every day. I can't believe she used to not be able to talk. Now she's three and talking up a storm. It's amazing. She picked the music. It was between The Beatles "Revolver" or my mix cd "Third Trimester." She picked the mix.


...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead just played "Crowning of a Heart" followed by Beatles with "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." Then the band Ra, who no one has heard of and that sucks ass, is playing their song "Walking and Talking" which to me right now is the single most beautiful song ever written. Emerald picks the good music. She's going to be so fucking cool when she grows up. She asked us yesterday if she could watch Mystery Science Theater 3000. Actually, she asked to watch S-A-N-T-A, which is Emerald-ese for the "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" episode from their Essentials boxed set. And her favorite song is "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. Emerald is going to be so fucking cool when she grows up.


I tell Emerald to lower it a bit. Armor for Sleep is too loud. I can't wait to see them on the Warped Tour. Their new album "What To Do When You Are Dead" rocks fucking ass. That line "I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long," that just crushes my heart every time I hear it. I'm psyched to see Big D and the Kid's Table for their angry nine-something minute rant song against Los Angeles. I'm also psyched to see Gratitude, the happy version of onelinedrawing. Onelinedrawing is good but I'm happy now with my family and my house and my daughter and my wife, so I need happier music, not that emo crap. So, goodbye onelinedrawing, hello Gratitude.


Warped Tour is always so much fun. It would be even more fun if it wasn't always so packed with hip, clueless, rich white teenagers with their too cool for school fucking attitudes. Fucking angry teens that go to Warped Tour just to be seen at Warped Tour instead of checking out all the sweet bands and the amazing music. Natasha and I always hide from those people. We Find our quiet little spot. Last year we spent all our time watching the same bands we've seen locally a million times before, Secretions, Phenomenauts, Groovie Ghoulies. It wasn't filled with angry youth or ignorant pretension. It was warm and friendly and incredibly fucking cool. I hope we can find that again this year.


23g


That last bit was typed by our new cat. It's only a month or so old and it's so small. It has stripes all over his body and somebody wanted to call his Stripe like the head evil gremlin. So Natasha and I said, too break from convention, lets call him by another gremlin from the movie, you know, just to toss it up. So we have a new cat and its name is Gizmo. It walked on the keyboard as I was getting cereal for Em. Silly, stupid, cute, dumb fucking cat. The music keeps rolling along, though, "Bittersweet Symphony" followed by Bobby Darin's "Under the Sea." Nice, mellow mix.


I ask Emerald if she missess her dog. She pouts yes in that cute way that only three-year-olds can do. I ask her if she knows why we got rid of the dog. She answers that we got rid of it because she ruined everything. That's pretty much right. But now we have a cat, the cutest little cat, and all is well with the world.


I just looked at MyYahoo. The high in Phoenix is going to be 112 degrees. Man, that's fucking hot. It might sound crazy but I miss the heat in Phoenix. I lived in the Phoenix-Tempee-Glendale area for about nineteen years. That's a long fucking time. I've been in Sacramento for a little over three years and I do like it. But sometimes, usually on summer days like this one, I think back at all the things I miss.


I miss a hot day with a little breeze and you're hanging out on Mill Avenue, you just came from Zia records and you just scored some sweet used shit and now you're smoking a fresh new pack of cigarettes at the Coffee Plantation and reading some new underground comics and 'zines while sipping an Iced Cafe Mocha and watching all the hot girls in summer dresses walking past you.


Those were my happy days from 1995 to 2001. That's where my mind usually resides on days like these. By I don't mind the change too much. Mornings like this are wonderful, too, just me and the baby and good music filling my heart up with joy and dreams.


Being a father is fucking cool.

Monday, June 27, 2005


Tampax Tampons and "From Justin to Kelly" the Unrated Special Edition presents

GVWA HARDCORE HOMECOMING


The Galindo Wrestling Federation's FIRST fake pay-per-view in over FIVE years!


The return pay-per-view of the Galindo Video Wrestling Federation comes to you MONDAY, JULY 4th, 2005 from the historic Koko B. Ware Arena in beautiful downtown Douglaz, Arizona. Tickets are on sale NOWHERE because it's all fake!


MATCHES

(card subject to change)



AN "I QUIT" DIRECTOR MATCH:

Ed Wood VS Alfred Hitchcock



FOUR WAY DANCE for the SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP:

God VS Satan VS Jesus VS Hitler



BATTLE OF THE DRUNKS SUBMISSION MATCH:

Jose Galindo VS Drunk Jim



TEN WOMEN OVER-THE-TOP-ROPE BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:

Vampira VS "Crazy Mom" Tere Galindo VS Bitch Heather VS Angry Marisa vs "Woodian Angel" Natasha VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster VS "Eight Foor Tall Monster Woman" Q VS Emerald VS "Ex-Girlfriend" Collyne VS "Crack Whore Customer" M.A.3



THREE WAY STAND UP COMEDY MATCH:

Bill Hicks VS Eddie Izzard VS Andy Kaufman

SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE: David Letterman



MUSICAL LEGENDS LADDER MATCH:

Jack White VS Elvis VS Neil Diamond



AND OUR MAIN EVENT:

A 16 MAN TOURNAMENT TO CROWN THE NEW GVWA CHAMPION ...


Tor Johnson, Judas, "Angry Dad" Pepe Galindo, Gangsta' Eric, Fatty Arbuckle, The Choir Boy, Reverend Steve Galindo, Moody the Crazy Cat, "Pimpin'" Jessie Coombs, "Mean" Michael Burns, Michael Jackson, Chuck Klosterman, The Amazing Criswell, "Receiving" Lance, Tim Burton, and Mr. Lobo

Thursday, June 23, 2005

WORKING BLUEPRINT:

GVWA - Galindo Video Wrestling Association


HISTORY: The GVWA started in 1998 when it's founder, Reverend Steve Galindo, changed all the wrestlers in a mediocre WCW wrestling video game to people he knew. This eventually led to more characters, as Galindo added actors, deities, and historical figures. This became an obsession for Galindo and his close-knit circle of friends, who could now see what might happen in a hardcore three way dance between themselves, Hitler, and Abe Vigoda. Each week, the GVWA would have its own television show, GVWA DEVIANCE, and Steve would write out the results which would be passed around Phoenix and Tempe, Arizona with much delight.


The once a month pay-per-views, with such purposefully cheesy sounding titles as THANKSGIVING SLAMFEST, GROUND ZERO, and IMMACULATE DESTRUCTION, features such legendary (to about four people) matches as a four way LAST MAN STANDING championship match between God, Satan, Charles Manson, and The Choir Boy (renegade altar boy gone BAD from an episode of Night Court) and Yoko Ono versus Neil Diamond in a hardcore match. What started out as a simple time waster became a massive creation with rivalries and plot lines and title changes.


Steve was heavyweight champion three times and God was champion four. Ed Wood, being a transvestite, was the women's champion for four days. The Mexican Championship was a title that only Mexicans could hold. Similarly, only the deceased, religious figures, or originally created characters (such as Dirty Sanchez the luchador and Ass Kicker the masked avenger) could fight for the Savior Championship. Andy Kaufman was the savior for eight days before being beaten by Steve's now deceased dog Dude.


For reasons unknown, the GVWA stopped at the beginning of 2000. It has since remained dormant until a few weeks ago. While unpacking into his new home, Steve found his old, dusty N64 and decided to start it all over again with new wrestlers, returning wrestlers, and all the results posted RIGHT HERE!


So get ready for the TRIUMPHANT RETURN of the GVWA! It's the way that wrestling SHOULD be ... fun, pointless, offensive, violent, and incredibly stupid!


RETURNING WRESTLERS (tentative):

God

Satan

Jesus

Elvis

Ed Wood

Tom Wegner (old friend from high school)

The Choir Boy

Hitler

Fatty Arbuckle

Gangsta' Eric (cousin in jail)

Snuffy (Eric's childhood sock monkey doll)

Kiki (Steve's dead cat)

Dude

Tere and Pepe (Steve's hardcore mexican parents)

Jose (Steve's angry older brother)

Tor Johnson

Vampira

The Ass Kicker

Malcom X

Martin Luther King

Buddah

Neil Diamond

Bela Lugosi

Sarah (ex turned dyke)

Charles Manson

Judas

Yoko Ono

Levar Burton

The Preacher (from the comic book series of the same name)

Andy Kaufman

Sonny Chiba

Heather (bitch ex stepsister)

Reverend Steve

Dirty Sanchez


BRAND NEW WRESTLERS (tentative):

Natasha (Steve's wife)

Emerald (Steve's daughter)

Marisa (circa breakup with Kosaku)

Drunk Jim (cool, old, drunk, angry coworker)

Bill Hicks

Eddie Izzard

David Letterman

Beulah (Steve's dog)

Moody (Steve's cat)

Jack White (frontman for the White Stripes)

Michael Jackson

"Mean" Michael Burns (overly nice coworker)

Britney Spears

"Godfather" Don Corleone

Collyne (ex)

Ricky (angry husband who hates Steve)

"Anchorman" Ron Burgundy

Alfred Hitchcock

Kevin Smith

Chuck Klosterman (author of "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs")

Mr. Michael (Steve's director friend with big fat man chops)

Mr. Lobo (host of tv's Cinema Insomnia)

M.A.3 (stinky fat bitch customer)

Asshole Boss

White Trash Hick

Swiper (nemisis of Dora)

Coach McGuirk (from Home Movies)

"Pimpin'" Jessie Coombs (hip, bespectacled receiving manager)

Jhonny The Homicidal Maniac

Batman

Q (eight foot tall female monster supreme)

Lance (pre-Nikara)

Deinna "Disaster" (Emerald's cousin)

Tim Burton

Criswell

Lisa the Machine (hefty store manager)

Shaun Morgan (singer of band Seether)

Josh Brolin (circa eighties skateboarding movie "Trashin'")


The first pay-per-view should be happening within a week or two, depending on how long it takes to create all these wrestlers. The title of the pay-per-view will either be "Hardcore Homecoming" or "Obsession Revisited." The results will be posted here. After our first pay-per-view, GVWA DEVIANCE will return weekly with postings right here.


If you have any ideas for new, funny, cool, and possibly offensive wrestlers in the GVWA, feel free to post a comment below.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Nobody knows who Bradley Denton is and that depresses me sometimes.


MOOD: hungryandtiredandnotwantingtocleanup

BACKGROUND: PartyBen's Led Zeppelin/Snoop Dogg Mix "Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love" (thanks to PartyBen)


Sometimes it seems as if you're the only person in the world who's into something, even though you know it's not true. Case in point, Jim's Big Ego. They are an amazing band. They've never made a bad album. I listen to them almost every day. In my book, they're modern day Beatles but with less hair and a better sense of humor. But nobody else I know in Sacramento knows who Jim Infantino is. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person who listens to them. I know it's not true, that they have a huge following, but those fans don't seem to be in my general direction. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who remembers and still obsesses over Sifl and Olly, who geeks out over the writings of Chuck Klosterman, who freaks out over every episode of and song from Home Movies, and who watches the show Cheap Seats. Bradley Denton is the exact same way. He has a new book coming out next month and no one seems to care. No one I know, at least.


The problem is that nobody reads book for the simple reason that they saw it and they thought it might be fun. Nowadays people's reading choices are solely dictated by other areas of pop culture that are light years more popular. People don't accidentally stumble onto an author and start a lifelong love with their work. I should know. I work at a bookstore. Those days are dead. Now people look for books because of Oprah or because of NPR or because of the newspaper. People's reading patterns are dictated solely by what another, more trusted, outlet tells them is satisfactory for them to be allowed to read and that's pathetic.


I was hanging out at a used bookstore in Tempe that no longer exists. This was back in 1995. I wasn't looking for anything. I was just trying really hard to not go to any of my classes. I hated college but I went anyway probably for the same reasons that I went from eight grade to ninth grade - that was what was next. And I stumbled upon a ratty little mass market called "Buddy Holly is Alive and Well on Ganymede." The cover really grabbed me. It was a sort of concert poster of Buddy Holly's, really well drawn, pasted on a brick wall and there was an alien hand over it.


I read the back. It seemed absurd enough to grab my attention. A nonstop, noninterruptible live performance by Buddy Holly, somehow alive and well on a moon of Jupiter, inturrupts every television and cable channel throughout the world. Buddy Holly has no idea what's going on. All he has there is a television camera, a guitar, and a sign that says to contact Oliver Vale for more information. Oliver has no idea what's going on and suddenly he's on the run from police, religious cults, aliens, a robotic dog, and angry rednecks who want their tv shows back on.


I picked it up, bought it, and had a great time reading it. it still sits on my shelf now, ten years later, and occasionally I force some unsuspecting friend of mine to read it. That was one of the most positive, uplifting reading experiences I've ever had. The book has no moral, no uplifting message, no ulterior motive. It was pure fun and I loved every minute of it. It's out of print now but can easily be found on Amazon or one of those other trendy on-line used book places. Or you can ask me. I'll let you borrow it.


Five years later, probably due in some small part to the renewed love of reading I got from Buddy Holly, I found myself working at a bookstore. I immediately sought out more books from author Bradley Denton. The internet was no real help. No one seemed to know anything about this strange Texas author. But I did find another book of his, one that has remained my absolute favorite book to this day. The title is called Blackburn and it's about a serial killer.


In simple terms, the book is part coming-of-age story, part violent American road trip. It's about a young man who takes action against what he considers to be wrong through violence. Sure he kills but the people he kills deserve it. It's a story that challenges your sense of morals because you end up sympathizing with the killer to the point where you accept his actions as being right. It's still in print and it's an incredible book. It's my absolute favorite book of all time and I honestly think that everybody should have to read it.


The third book of his that I read took me almost two years to find. It was out of print for years until I managed to get my hand on a copy, strangely enough, the last day I lived in Phoenix, Arizona. It's a strange love story called Lunatics. It's a romance for those chosen few humans who do not subscribe to romance that most people consider "normal." It's about a man in love with the moon and it warmed my heart. I never thought that I would ever consciously, seriously say that about a book, but I just did, so there you go.


I've been waiting for a new book from Bradley Denton for a long time now. Since I work at a bookstore, it's easy for me to check our system and see when a book is coming out. I was estatic when I found out that Bradley Denton hasa new book coming out called Laughin' Boy. But when I tried to tell people about how excited I was, nobody seemed to care. That upset me. Sometimes you find yourself wading in a very small pop culture pool. But that's ok. His book is something like $32-40 but I'd happily spend that ten times over to get a taste of America's second best author (next to Chuck Klosterman).


Bradley Denton's work is something you need to hunt down but believe me, it's worth it.

Monday, June 13, 2005

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS AFTER

LAST NIGHT'S ECW PAY-PER-VIEW:



-Did anyone who held a mic NOT do a shoot?


-Was there someone from Raw or Smackdown who WASN'T drunk?


-How the HELL did that douchebag Mike Awesome have the best night of the match?


-Who gave the NyQuil to Eddie right before his match?


-When will WWE realize that they don't need two announcers when all they need is one genius announcer with a really huge mouth?


-When did Kurt Angle go from moral, upstanding, milk-drinking citizen with a crush on Stephanie to an angry little dickhead who wants to rape a black chick?


-When will ECW finally come back full time and ONCE AGAIN give the complacent, predictable, boring professional wrestling world a much needed kick in its ass?