NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, August 29, 2005

The truth about Steve ...



You see me at work, I am the epitome of cool. I'm laughing, smiling, reading books, being a smart ass, cracking wise with everybody, making jokes and making people laugh, talking casually about movies and television shows and countless piles of pointless crap. I seem calm, cool, and focused. Hell, this morning I called work and told them I was going to be late because I was having rickshaw troubles and the manager just laughed and said ok. Things are fine.


But inside I am freaking the fuck out.


The countdown is on. I have seven days of work left until I take a month and a half off so that my wife and I can have this baby. That is, unless my wife goes into labor sometime between now and September 10th, which is my last day at work. My wife is going to wait to go into labor naturally, then she's getting a c-section which is destined to push me to the very edge of what I can handle. I am not one for graphic images of violence, so watching my wife get cut open isn't something I'm excited about watching.


My wife is her usual self. She's sometimes angry, sometimes giddy, sometimes cuddly, sometimes worried. Me? I'm a nervous wreck. My entire body is sore. I'm having trouble moving my arms too much. I'm having serious breathing problems and I mean serious. I'm taking breathing treatments every night just to be able to breathe in and out. The treatments leave me shaking worse than Michael J. Fox for about an hour or two. My right hand is aching like fire sometimes, so I have to wear my carpal tunnel arm brace at work now, which is incredibly uncomfortable. I'm hardly eating anything, which isn't anything new seeing as how I have an eating disorder. I'm tired all the time despite all the coffee and Rockstar that I've been inhaling. So basically I'm a wreck. I'm worried and frightened and nervous. I want to sleep. I want to be able to breathe properly. I want to move and not hurt. I want to feel good again.


But it's not all bad. I'm excited, too. I can't wait. I'm so nervous and anxious. I just can't believe that I'm having a baby!


GVWA Deviance results are incredibly late. But it's MY fake wrestling federation, so you bitches can wait.


And happy birthday to my very special Marisa.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Everyone I know BUT Marisa gets to play this ...



Damn, I got 4 out of 10 right! And my daughter LOVES My Little Pony! Hell, and I love porn! What gives? Shit, my daughter, Marisa, and my penis are hanging their heads in shame.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Galindo Family Killing Spree - conclusion



The epic, month long Galindo family killing spree sadly came to an end today. Steve and Natasha, lovers of Gamecube's True Crime: Streets of L.A. to the extent that they even find themselves singing along to all the shitty rap music, were unable to continue their killing spree due to a game rule that states that you cannot move beyond level three without having a positive good cop score. Natasha and Steve's cop score was -350. That's how many people lost their lives in the Galindo family's reign of terror.


Thankfully, there is a street within the game called "Rose Avenue" that, if you take it all the way to the ocean, almost EACH AND EVERY person you see there will have drugs or an illegal weapon on them. It is the perfect place to bolster a bad cop rating or to turn a bright new leaf. After a few hours of arresting the filth and scum of Rose Avenue, the Galindo family, who were once known to drive on the sidewalks and murder indiscriminately, is now the champions of goodness and righteousness with a good cop rating of +72 and climbing. No longer will Natasha Galindo be setting people's cars on fire for no good reason. No longer will Steve Galindo be blocking a freeway onramp and shooting random passers-by.


Until True Crime: New York comes out later this year.

Steve and Natasha's unborn fetus BREAKS HIS/HER SILENCE ...

TTS, short for Text-To-Speech, is the creation of audible speech from computer readable text. It is used primarily so that deaf people and other speds (special education people - speds for short) can call people over the phone. It is a magical thing, something that is revolutionizing the way that people communicate with each other.


It can also be used to make your computer say incredibly offensive things.


THIS is a TTS interactive demo, absolutely free to use, that resides at the AT&T research lab's web site. It is there so that businesses can examine it and decide if they would like TTS within their workplace.


It is also there to make Steve and Natasha laugh by making their computer say the most offensive, vile, foul, absolutely wrong things imaginable.


What you do is type the offensive material you want your computer to say, choose which voice you want to use (Rich is a deep black male voice, my favorite), and press "speak." For some reason, it doesn't seem to work for me the first time, so you have to press refresh and choose to send the information again. Second time is always a charm for me.


I will spare you the most offensive things we've made the TTS say, but here are two of my personal faves ...


Robot hates rednecks ...


Steve and Natasha's unborn fetus speaks ...


Seriously, though, ther really are some drunken rednecks outside our house. It's frightening. Well, anyway, the GVWA Deviance results will be posted in a few days. It's good stuff. MAJOR changes.

Monday, August 22, 2005

A family walks into a talent agent's office ...



Just came back from a sneak preview of the docu-comedy "The Aristocrats," without a doubt the single most offensive motion picture I have ever seen since "Birth of a Nation" and I would love to be like Michael Burns (not to be confused with professional wrestler "Mean" Michael Burns) and sit here and write a nine page review of this film for you but I cannot do that because unlike Michael Burns I thought all my journalism classes in college were bullshit. Therefore all I can say about this movie is that it rocked ass, it was awesome, and that I haven't laughed like that since I first learned of the existence of Mystery Science Theater 3,000. Everyone should go see it when it opens on friday.


I would say prepare to be offended but if you read THIS BLOG then you should have no problems.


More free music for all my blog niggaz ...


The Buggles - Video Killed the Radio Star


Home Movies (adult swim)- Don't Put Marbles In Your Nose


Home Movies - Rock Opera of Franz Kafka


Old commercial for Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots

Sunday, August 21, 2005

The story of my substitute family ...

My parents didn't come to my wedding. It was a civil ceremony, yes, and not some big fancy affair, but I really wanted my parents to be there and they couldn't. My father was busy with work and couldn't make it and then my mom, who probably could have and SHOULD have gone, didn't come simply because my father couldn't. And I kind of wanted my brother to come but I don't know if I wanted him to be there only because Natasha had a whole bunch of people coming and I had nobody.


So, with tears on my eyes, I walked up to Marisa at work and asked her if she would come to my wedding for me.


And Marisa, a woman whom I love and would call one of my best friends ever in the whole entire world, promised me that no matter what might happen, that she would find a way to make it to my wedding.


The day came for our wedding, Cinco de Mayo coincidentally seeing as how I'm very mexican, and I was pretty fucking nervous but I think that I did a pretty good job of hiding it. Natasha looked beautiful. She was about five months pregnant at the time and she just dripped motherly beauty. Radiant. I've never used that phrase honestly until now. She looked radiant. A million people she knew, relatives and cousins and various whatevers, started coming out of bushes to be there for us.


And I had nobody. Not even my parents. So I called Marisa. No answer. I started getting worried.


We got to the courthouse, which is much bigger and nicer and more professional than I was expecting. I was also expecting to see Marisa there outside waiting. But she wasn't there. And I got sad. I don't have too many friends. I shut myself off from everybody else and I can be really quiet and introspective and asshole-ish, so I don't really have too many people that I can lean against. But Marisa has always been there for me. Like a sister with sexy feet and nice titties. And she wasn't there. I got upset.


We checked it and walked to the waiting room. That's when it really started sinking in that Natasha, beautiful brave Natasha, was the woman that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. No more dating bullshit. No more relationship heartbreak. No more stagnant "getting to know you" time. This was it. This was the beginning of the rest of my life. And to get into a position where you know that all that dating bullshit is gone forever, it fills you with happiness and joy and I found myself filled with this bright shining awesomeness ...


... which was immediately followed by sadness because my parents couldn't find time in their busty fucking schedules to come to their son's wedding. I mean, they can come down for my brother's birthday and they can come down, spend the weekend with him and drive him around town for his dart tournaments, but when I'm getting MARRIED all they can do is apologize. Over the phone. Coldly over the phone. Sorry, just can't make it. I can't get out of work and blah blah blah. WIth no feeling they told me they couldn't make it. I had nobody.


Natasha repeatedly tried to comfort me by telling me that her friends and relatives were mine as well and I know that's true ... but I wanted someone to be there for me. And nobody was.


Just then the door opened and someone ran in, knocking down a picture frame.


It was Marisa. She was in tears. She was crying because she thought she had missed it. And that made me cry. And I'm just tearing up writing about it. My parents coldly apologize over a phone without a whimper ... and Marisa, a woman I met through work, a woman who I am not related to, loves and cares about me and my wife and my daughter and my family so much that she would cry when she thought she might miss my wedding.


"I'm here on behalf of Steve's parents," Marisa said through tears. "I'm Steve's substitute family."


She was my witness. Her signature is on our wedding certificate. And Natasha and I got married. We held hands and we said "I do" and we put on the rings. We even had a ring for Emerald because, in a sense, seeing as how she is not my biological daughter, I was marrying her, too. I married two women that day and since then I have never been happier. My wedding was wonderful. It was amazing. It was moving. It was awesome. And my substitute family, Marisa, was there. She was there for ME!




That is why I love Marisa and why I am eternally grateful for her being in my life. And in my family. Marisa rocks ass.

THIS WEEK on GVWA DEVIANCE ...

"This week ... or this weekend ... or sometime soon ... on GVWA Deviance, click here to listen to this week's promo spot."

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Where will the Galindo family be killing next?



True Crime: New York City drops on the Gamecube on 11/15/05, I type as my pregnant wife shoots the shit out of a gang of Russians. We still love our original True Crime. It's been a great way for us to alleviate all the stress that comes from being less than four weeks (holy SHIT - four fucking weeks!!!) away from the strict on sale date for our new baby. What better way to relax than to run over old people?


But just look at that screenshot. That rocks ass! It's taken from a Gamecube, too, which is impressive for their shit-eating console. But this next True Crime is going to be absolutely amazing. I can't wait to go to New York City and shoot the fuck out of people, just start popping off tourists and bums and fat white chicks. I see myself just standing right in the middle of Times Square just getting head shots on random people. That makes me smile.


I am ALL ABOUT killing!


And then, what will I do for purgatory, when I start to feel bad about all the people that I've killed?




Ultimate! Fucking! Spider-Man!


Goddamn I love my fucking life!


The other day Marisa was at my house, sitting at the dining table while I typed GVWA results, and what does this chick do? She ups and picks up one of MY own personal journals (I have a cock, so I call it a journal) and just starts reading it, right there in front of me like it's a fucking Tom Clancy novel. And I tell her that, seeing as how some of the stuff in there is about her, that perhaps she shouldn't be reading it. She told me "Steve, all I see is a bunch of cussing."


You know what I say to that? Fuck that.


Here is some free music for all my niggaz ... right click this shit ...


Radio host Casey Kasem ciussing up a fucking storm!


Queen: "We Are the Champions"


Party Ben presents The Clash vs. Gwen Stefani: "Radio Hollaback"


Grand Buffet: "Candy Bars"


Psycho Charger: "Graverobbers from Outer Space"


The Cautions: "Big Hit Song"

Bicycle message ...



Let me tell you something, Mr. Upwardly Mobile Clean Environment Guy ... if you can't peddle your little schwinn over 55 miles per hour, then pedal your spandex-wearing ass the fuck out of my car's way, alright? I am a car. I run on gas, not venti chai half-caf no foam lattes.


Pedal your ass out of my way, you yuppie. And wipe your ass.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Albert B. Fall ...

... was a silly bitch!

Interesting GVWA postscript ...

I am all ABOUT finding really small cities for the GVWA to visit, then finding out frightening specifics about said town and then using these frightening specifics within the actual fake show. It's an interesting merging of reality and fiction that seems to creep out my wife.


Yes that IS the mayor of Zaneville's phone number. That's how much I fucking rock. I dare you to call him (during normal working hours, that is) and ask him what it was like to work for the GVWA.


"Did you get to meet the Choir Boy?"

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005 - Zanesville, Ohio

(a blank screen for twelve seconds, then a shot of a packed audience screaming, then pyrotechnics, then the song "WTFMFWTFAYT" by Jim's Big Ego)


"Hello and welcome to the Eric Idle Memorial Auditorium, smack dab in the middle of Zanesville, Ohio, which is located right on Interstate 70 just fifty miles east of Columbus, founded in 1797 by John McIntire on land deeded by his father-in-law, Ebenezer Zane and at one time know as "Clay City" and "The Pottery Capital of the World," and we are here live for GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005. And believe me when I say that you are in for an exciting night of fake, semi-offensive professional wrestling.


There are a lot of questions waiting to be answered tonight. First off, the booksellers Jesse and Lance have formed their own union, called the "B.S.O." and they are poised to take over the GVWA. Will they succeed? Also, Satan is looking to form his own federation, one that he mysteriously calls "The Ministry" and he is hoping to add a new member to his ministry in a soul match? Will The Ministry succeed? Also, who will walk out of Zanesville the GVWA champion? Will it be Mr. Lobo, current champion and host of television's "Cinema Insomnia" or will it be "The Photographer" or fellow B.S.O. member "Mean" Michael Burns?


And the BIG question in everyone's mind tonight ... just WHO IS our new general manager?


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."



A "SOUL MATCH":

"Propheceer" Criswell VS "Satan's Ministry member" Bill Hicks


The referee for this match - John F. Fenton, Mayor of Zanesville, whose office number incidentally is (740) 455-0603 - made the announcement before the bell rang the start of this match that Satan and all other possible interferance was barred from ringside and would result in an automatic disqualification. Nevertheless, Criswell was visually frightened about this "soul" match. But as the bell rang, Criswell showed a fierce amount of testicular fortitude by charging Hicks, attacking him with punches, reversals, and leg-based submission moves. Hicks tried to even the score by throwing Criswell over the ropes, taking this match outside, but that eventually turned against Hicks as Criswell used the steel guard rail to cut the deceased rebellious Texas comedian wide open. Hicks, sensing trouble and barely able to see through the blood on his face, tried to bring the match back into the ring but Criswell, perhaps in a crazed act of bloodlust, kept the match outside the ring, using the hard concrete floor to injur Hicks even more. Then, as it seemed that Criswell could barely even stand, Criswell threw Hicks into the ring, got a roll up, and got a three count from former fireman turned mayor John F. Fenton. A relieved Criswell saves his soul.


MATCH LENGTH: 11.46

WINNER: Criswell



TWO ON ONE MATCH:

Choir Boy VS Jack White & Reverend Steve


Steve came out limping with a leg brace on (wrestling nerds unite - just make a mental picture of Stone Cold back when he was popular and near crippled and wrestling The Rock every 15 minutes) because of the Choir Boy's senseless attack at our last pay per view, Hardcore Homecoming. But White Stripes frontman and longhaired wierdo Jack White assured Steve that he would handle their opponent. The Choir Boy came out, a cigarette dangling from his lips, a leather jacket over his tattered basketball jersey (wrestling nerds, just think of a jock Raven meets The Sandman). As the bell rang, a visually frightened Reverend Steve stood back as Jack White was quicklt decimated by the angry former Catholic altar boy. Steve eventually tried to help White but was paid for his services with a frighteningly painful sidewalk slam that sent waves of pain through Steve as he tumbled out of the ring, seemingly knocked out from the pain. The Choir Boy then continued his assault, then signalled for his patented Vestibule Takedown when, from out of nowhere, Steve hobbled back into the ring with the steel ring steps, cracking the once molested Catholic turned bad's head wide open. Then, a double neckbreaker led to Jack White gaining a pin. White then helped Steve backstage as paramedics wheeled the Cchoir Boy out of the auditorium.


MATCH LENGTH: 13.17

WINNER: Jack White & Reverend Steve






"You don't know who I am ... but I know all about you. I also know all about obscure films YOU've never seen ... and bands YOU've never heard. And next week at GVWA Deviance, you are going to be SCHOOLED in pop-culture ... and ASS KICKINGS! My name is 'Intense' Ian ... but you can call me ... PopJellyFish!"



A HARDCORE MATCH:

"Double D" Deinna Disaster VS Emerald Galindo


As Ed Wood as my witness, I have NEVER seen such violent, mindless carnage in my entire life ... but one thing is for certain ... Deinna Disaster is a dangerous woman! Knowing that this was a hardcore, no disqualification match, Deinna ran to the ring brandishing a wooden bat and automatically started UNLOADING on Emerald in a brutal display of shocking violence. Deinna quickly injured Emerald, leaving her battered and broken in a little under five minutes. Afterwards, as Emerald lay hurt and bleeding, a cocky Double D started doing a victory dance to a chorus of boos ... and then the song "Do You Know My Name?" by the band Ra began playing ... and running to the ring came Emerald's mother Natasha. Deinna panicked, trying to escape, by Natasha was too quick for her, grabbing the bat and giving Dee a taste of her own medicine. When Deinna was bloodied and broken, Natasha threw the bat down, picked up her injured daughter, and carried her home.


MATCH LENGTH: 4.28

WINNER: Deinna Disaster



TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPIONS" Johnny Depp & Tim Burton "The Collaborators" VS Jesse & "Pre-Nikara" Lance "The B.S.O."


With pre-marriage Lance in Jesse's corner, the Book Seller Order were able to gain an early lead, cornering Depp in their corner and slowing him down with quick double team moves. Depp managed to escape, making the tag to Burton, who focused his attack on Jesse's face and legs. Then, a tag to angry pre-child Lance led to all four combatants causing total anarchy in the ring. In all the chaos, Burton tagged Depp back in and more vicious four man anarchy ensued. In the fracas, a tired Lance managed to tag in Jesse who almost got a three count with a suprise roll up. All four men now injured and tiring out, Jesse signalled for a Bookseller Splash but Burton ran in to stop it. With rapid fire reflexes, Jesse managed a quick shot kick to the director's face as he ran, knocking Burton out. Then Jesse landed his finishing move and gained a three count. The B.S.O. are the NEW tag team champions! Can the B.S.O. be stopped?


MATCH LENGTH: 18.37

WINNER: "The B.S.O."



"Our NEXT big pay per view will be GVWA THIS MONTH'S PAY PER VIEW and it will be held Sunday, September 24th, 2005 from the historic Vanilla Ice Ampitheater in downtown Huron, South Dakota. Tickets are on sale at all Taco Bell and Castle Boutique locations, so we hope to see you there!"



A WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPION" Ed Wood VS "Angry" Marisa


SHOCKINGLY, which is always a great way to start a wrestling match, Marisa came to the ring wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt ... and she was being accompanied to the ring by "Mean" Michael Burns, B.S.O. member and one of the competitor in the big main event title match. Ed knew that his chances were slim and that all of his match wins this past month have all been accidental wins based on dumb luck. If it was going to be a straight fight between him and Marisa ... ANGRY "breakup with Kosaku" Marisa ... that he was royally screwed! So Ed devised a fiendish plan. During the match, Ed screamed "AAAGH, MASSIVE LEG PAIN!!!" and dived through the ropes, landing on the concrete floor below luthing his leg and faking some sort of leg injury. Eventually, Ed got counted out of the ring, meaning that TECHNICALLY Marisa wins this match but, since titles cannot switch hands from a count out, Ed loses the match but RETAINS the women's title. Ed runs out of the auditorium with the title held high and a shit-eating grin on his face. An angry "Angry" Marisa vows revenge.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.08

WINNER: "Angry" Marisa (The B.S.O.)



"Before our big Savior championship match, we will have a performance by the Zanesville High School marching band, known as the Blue Devils. They have just returned from the Bonanza of the Bands, the longest continually-running marching band competition in the state of Ohio ..."



A TRIPLE THREAT SAVIOR CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPION" Satan VS Harry Potter VS Jimi Hendrix


As the bell rang, both Satan and Hendrix turned towards the young Potter who immediately pissed himself and ran out of the ring crying for someone named "Albus" ... but before he ran backstage, he promised Satan, Hendrix, and the entire GVWA a big suprise ve-e-e-ry soon. After that archaic setup for a major plot point in the near future, Potter ran backstage, turning this triple threat match into a one on one match. Satan struck quick with a painful series of clotheslines from hell (which makes sense, seeing how he's Satan and all) and chokeslams, quickly slowing down the deceased, possibly black guitarist. Then the dark lord signalled for his finishing move, the Hell Slam, but his plans were inturrupted as in ran ... well, more like waddled, WESLEY WILLIS, who came in the ring, kicked the dark overlord in the nards, and handed an electric guitar to Hendrix. Jimi took that guitar and cracked it hard on Satan's skull. Thi knoked Satan out, allowing Hendrix to gain a three count. Jimi Hendrix, in only his second match in the GVWA, has become the NEW Savior!


MATCH LENGTH: 10.50

WINNER: Jimi Hendrix



OUR MAIN EVENT ...


A TRIPLE THREAT LADDER MATCH FOR THE THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP:


"CHAMPION" Mr. Lobo VS "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski VS "Mean" Michael Burns


The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena in a chorus cheers. Then, suddenly, some loud song by silverchair started playing and out came "Mean" Michael Burns wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance, Jesse, and "Angry" Marisa. The champion and The Photographer were automatically weary of fighting this match and for a second it seemed like the match wasn't going to happen at all as Mr. Lobo and Greg considered giving up the match if Michael Burns was going to have the B.S.O. in his corner.


Then, out of nowhere, which is a phrase used A LOT in professional wrestling, the lights in the arena went out ... and the song "Cool as Hell" by Grand Buffet began playing ... and as the lights came back up, the entire arena finally got to take their first glimpse at their NEW general manager ...



"Is that ... I ... I can't believe it! Our New general manager is ... click here to listen to this part of the pay per view and HEAR for yourself who the new general manager is ..."




Fall walked to the ring and said that as the new general manager and former rancher and convicted felon, he was going to strict and rigid. He then put his foot down and banned the entire B.S.O. from ringside for the entire match. The B.S.O. was led out of the ring, Jesse cussing, Lance drinking, and Marisa brandishing a boxcutter at anyone who looked at her funny. And with the Book Seller Order gone, the match got under way.


The Photographer took control of this match early on, injuring Mr. Lobo with a digital camera he had hidden in his pants and then throwing him out of the ring so that he could focus on slowing down the fast-paced Michael Burns. The two traded moves and blows for a long time until Burns stopped Greg's momentum with a running enziguri (real move - look it up, you non-wrestling nerds) that cut Greg open. Michael used this opportunity to exit the ring and grab the ladder, setting it up in the middle of the ring, and began to climb it. But Mr. Lobo came back into the ring, grabbed Burns by the legs, and decimated (maybe I should get a thesarus) Burns with a powerbomb from the top of the ladder.


Lobo then went to inflict some punishment on Greg, but he landed a quick european uppercut on Lobo, knocking him out. Greg then got up and started climbing the ladder but was knocked down by a groggy Burns who managed to grab the ladder and shake it. All three men were knocked out on the floor for a while. Then, slowly, Greg and Michael Burns stood up and began trading blows. Then Burns threw Greg out of the ring and they continued their fight outside. This entire time, Mr. Lobo began to stir. But it went unnoticed by The Photographer and B.S.O. Burns, who threw Greg up on the Phillipino announce table. Burns then landed a painful piledriver through the announce table, injuring BOTH competitors.


And as they lay there in pain, Mr. Lobo somehow managed to stand up, slowly but surely climb that ladder, and grab that championship belt. The bell rang and SOMEHOW Mr. Lobo was able to KEEP his GVWA championship!


MATCH LENGTH: 19:25

WINNER: Mr. Lobo


"Wow, what an incredible series of events! Satan's ministry has been decimated, the Book Seller Order continues to wreak havoc, and Ed Wood and Mr. Lobo somehow both manage to hold on to their titles. And our new general manager is the secretary of the interior during the Harding administration who went to jail for the infamous Teapot Dome scandal.


I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA DEVIANCE! Well, that's it for us. Hope you had some sort of fun and that you join us again for more frightening fake pro wrestling. Thank you and good night!"

Monday, August 15, 2005

Now YOU can see my ex-girlfriend's titties ...



This is a story about Led Zeppelin, insomnia, Arizona theater faggotry, and my ex-girlfriend's big ass titties, which you can see for FREE right now. Interested? Then read on ...


It's a little past midnight right now. I got off work at around ten-thirty and drove my half hour drive home, which I don't mind on a nice summer night with a slight chill and all the world quiet and/or wasted. I was listening to some Zeppelin, which I am again under the impression, as I was in eight grade, that Led Zeppelin is the greatest band in the WORLD (next to white rap group Grand Buffet) and their music seems to be MADE for lonely summer nights.


I got home and started working on my self-performance review. I finished it in 45 minutes with only minimal internet distractions. But I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know why. Lord knows I should seeing as how I have a seven a.m. store meeting but I just can't sleep.


So I went to Feast of Fools films, the web site that my director friend with the big fat man chops started as a home for his feature film. Kinda. Mr. Michael and I did a lot of theater back in my sweaty Arizona days, back when I was a theater fag. I was a hu-u-u-u-u-uge theater fag. That's my own little secret. I outgrew theater faggotry somewhere around 23 years of age. I love acting. I do. I just hate actors.


Mr. Michael and I, we were friends. We still are, too, years later, thanks to him moving to San Francisco when I moved to Sacramento. Luck of the Gods, I tells ya. We really got to know each other well. In fact, when he wrote himself a script for a feature film in what I believe was somewhere around 2000, he wrote a little part for yours truly. He did that for me, and still does. Around 1999 I gave my services to Mr. Michael, telling him that if he ever needed a Dick Miller or a Tor Johnson (a longtime collaborator), that he knew when to call. And he still does.


With a crate full of positivity, he began shooting the film sometime aroun the Y2K fiasco. He worked on it for about two to three years, eventually finishing it but never finding any sort of distributor. Eventually he said fuck it to Hollywood, re-did it, and started releasing it as an internet movie in little chapters. What's it called? Oh yeah, a "web serial." Wow, white people think up some clever words. Web serial. He has yet to finish the cereal, but a fraction of it is there and what's there is damn impressive.


But we didn't know all this back then. We thought we were working on a grand film. Michael cast the movie using my THEN fiance Debby as the lead female heavy. She had worked with him before, playing Marla in the world stage premiere of "Fight Club" where Michael had sex with her and made her show her titties. He followed that up with this film, where he AGAIN had sex with her and made her show her titties. I would joke that five, ten years into the future that fat internet guys will watch the film we were working on and refer to it as Mr. Michael's "I want to fuck Steve's woman" period.


All these things I completely forgot as I surfed my way to the web site with the intentions to watch MY scenes and instead was greeted with my ex-fiance nude faking sex on camera. And right before my scene, too.


WANNA WATCH IT? IT'S RIGHT HERE ...

http://www.fof-films.com/Smoke_Mirrors/TheMagicians/Archives/chapter%20three_archives.mov

THE NAKED WOMAN YOU SEE IN THE BEGINNING ... I USED TO FUCKED HER.


It's very jarring, being able to see your ex-girlfriend having simulated sex any time you want on the internet.


However, being able to tell everyone in the world that THEY can watch my ex-girlfriend have simulated sex any time THEY want on the internet makes me feel a WHOLE lot better.


Share the love!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005 - parking lot ...

"We are just a few hours away from the opening bell for GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005! Here's a spot done in the parking lot of the Eric Idle Memorial Auditorium ..."


Get ready for some of the greatest, fictitious, most offensive professional wrestling that you've ever read about!


BTW, here is the background parking lot sounds for that last piece. It features my daughter saying "Give me some money," Criswell making a prediction, and a secretly recorded fight between my step-brother and his babymomma that I recorded on my phone last X-mas. Really sweet stuff.


The results of the PPV should be up tomorrow afternoon. Sorry. I's gots to gets me to work.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

The CLEAN, NON-OFFENSIVE version of my morning ...



It was a saturday morning, so I was expecting absolutely no traffic. However, there is a part of Power Inn road that for the length of one block turns into one lane. I am used to this part being backed up on weekdays, especially during rush hour, and on saturday morning it's usually a breeze. So when I drove from the end of the one lane section to the part where it goes back into two lanes and was forced to STOP because of traffic being backed up, I was incredibly surprised.


(once again, this is the CLEAN, NON-OFFENSIVE version of this story, which has been intensely cleaned up for inclusion in my blog ... the dirty, OFFENSIVE version is available only on a personal one-on-one face-to-face basis)


The lane that I was in had four or five cars in it. I switched to the other lane and found only one car. Apparently, two cars full of gang-related African-American gentlemen fount it neccessary to park their cars in the middle of both lanes of traffic so that they could talk to one another. No doubt they were talking about German philosophers or perhaps they were debating Roe v. Wade. I do not know the exact pertinent sociopolitical reasons that were behind their need to block traffic so that they could smoke weed and shout loud profanities at one another while cranking up rap music, but I felt myself getting slightly agitated.


After a period of about thirty seconds, I decided that the best course of action would be for me to try to squeeze through the suicide lane past the young weed-smoking Harvard graduates having the middle of road discussion. So I drove into the suicide lane and squeezed past one of the cars now on my left, which had three young, baggy pants wearing geniuses hanging out of the windows. Once I passed the car, the three genius African-American gang members jumped into their car and decided to drive next to me, flip me off, and shout profanities.


I sped up, not wanting to discuss the pros and cons of lethal injection with a car full of professors. But the young Africans decided to match my speed, speeding up, not allowing me to get back onto the street. "Ha ha ha, enough tomfoolery, you fine young black gentlemen," I thought, "I can't be playing these silly lollygagging car games when I have to go to my place of employment." But, not caring about my financial status, these young men decided to match my speeds, even when I sped up to seventy and eighty miles per hour.


It was right around eighty-three miles per hour when I noticed a huge, gaping pothole and a two-by-four in my path. With no other choice, I swerved left to avoid these obstacles. This caused the pot smoking scholars to screech their tires as they swerved to the left lane. Taking my swerving as a sign of aggression, the geniuses seemed to get even more agitated, throwing bottles at my car as I tried to speed past them at speeds past eight five miles an hour.


Having played a LOT of "True Crime" in the past week, I decided to try to lose them by hitting the brake HARD, going from eight five to twenty five in a matter of seconds and leaving the car full of respectable African-American businessmen speeding past me. I thought my problems were over. But once they noticed what I had done, the slowed to a stop and parked yet again in the middle of the road, eagerly awaiting me to pass them.


WHen I passed them, I tried to make a shoulder shrugging, perplexed face to them, hoping that they would realize that I had NO IDEA why the things that were going on were going on. They yelled at me and decided to tailgate my car, their front bumper mere inches from my trunk as I drove down Power Inn. I didn't look at them in my rear view, primarily because I was frightened and only secondarily because I have no rear view mirror. They tailgated me for a good three minutes until, for unknown reasons, they turned left, leaving me to probably read medical journals and memorize the dictionary.


It would be wrong of me to use this harrowing incident to make Bill Cosby-like assumptions regarding those of lower classes. Instead I'm all smiles today. Life is still great, regardless of ignorant huckfoles.


Anybody want a hug?

STUPID NEW STUFF AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW ...

B.S.O. Ringer T-Shirt (now with proper grammar)


Yellow B.S.O. T-shirt (also now proper)


Offensive Ed Wood.org cheap journal


BIG FAT MAN CHOPS Sleeveless T-Shirt


YOUR STUPID MINDS Cool Green T-Shirt


... and remember, tomorrow is our next big PAY PER VIEW, GVWA Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005! Tune in tomorrow for the results.


ED WOOD.ORG, BITCHES!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

KICK ASS GVWA T-SHIRTS AVAILABLE NOW ...

After a good couple of hours of hard labor, there are incredibly KICK ASS GVWA PRODUCTS available for you to buy RIGHT NOW ...


Kick ass B.S.O. - Book Seller Order Ringer T-Shirt


Sweet yellow B.S.O. - Book Seller Order T-shirt


The B.S.O. - Book Seller Order OFFICIAL Coffee Mug


This is so-o-o-o-o-o-o absolutely cool, having a B.S.O. shirt available to buy. Jesse, the REAL Jesse who works in receiving at my work and not to be confused with the wrestler "Pimpin'" Jesse Cee who runs the B.S.O., said that he'd love to wear a B.S.O. shirt to work ... and a little over 24 hours later, there's two shirts and a coffee mug ready for people to buy. That is absolutely incredible. Think of how much technology has advanced to allow me to be able to create such amazingly pointless shit like this. I am so excited to have this shirt available for people to buy on my Church of Ed Wood Merch Page that I could cream myself right now!


I mean, to have the GVWA go from a small personal thing that like twenty people in the world knew about like seven years ago, to go from that to something with its own merchandise, that just blows my mind. I'm going to order one in the next day or two and I expet EVERYONE AT MY WORK to buy one, too. If I see Michael and Jesse and Marisa at work WITHOUT one of these, then I'll cry big mexican tears.


B.S.O. for life. You're either literate ... or you're dead!

BUY your way into my new FILM (?!?) ...



This is a picture of me in front of the Golden Gate bridge. It is, I feel, the single greatest "cheesy" Golden Gate picture ever taken. And I will be spending a lot of time near the Golden Gate this October. And I'm going to be naked. And killing people.


So, like I said before, I just landed a part in an incredibly well written, tense, freaky as all hell horror-thriller to be shot in October entirely on location in Alcatraz. It is the first film to ever be entirely shot on Alcatraz Island in the San Francisco Bay and it will be starring actor Larry Holden from the movies Batman Begins and Memento ... and co-starring MY BROWN ASS! Can you believe that? I'm going to spend most of my October being naked in a "bug out" room in Alcatraz while strange people are filming me. I can't believe it. I'm getting too old for this shit. I mean, I know I'm only 28 but still. Too old, I tells ya.


Anyhoo, there's now an official WEB SITE for the movie and in it there's an incredible slide show of location photos which does a great job of giving the viewer a glimpse of exactly why Alcatraz is perfect for a horror movie.


Also, in what is either a brilliant move of one of the fucking craziest moves ever in the history of motion pictures, certain select roles in the movie will be auctioned off on ebay. That's either brilliant or idiotic but either way incredibly fucking interesting. I am now officially "stoked" as all fucking hell to do this movie.


I guess I should start ... you know ... like, learn all my lines now.




This is the director of the movie. His real name is Jason Alexander but once Sinefeld hit, he changed his name to Michael Alesandro. We've known each other since way back in my theater days in Arizona. I was the first to start calling him "Mr. Michael" and it's something that somehow managed to stick on to him even now, like eight or nine years later. The best part about Mr. Michael, apart from his creative mind and wonderfully open nature and friendly demeanor and cute wife ...


... is his BIG FAT fuckin' MAN CHOPS! Look at them! Them there's TEXAS sized chops, man, shit! I love Mr. Michael's big fat man chops. They are rivalled only by my coworker friend Ian's big fat man chops. But, sorry Ian, Mr. Michael has the ALPHA man chops 'roung here. And all I can do is hope and pray that one day I too will have big fat man chops like Mr. Michael.


One more time for good measure ... BIG FAT fuckin' MAN CHOPS!

Galindo Family Killing Spree - Day Four



Day four of the epic, historic, bloddy as all hell Galindo family "True Crime: Streets of L.A." killing spree. The big news is that now our three year old daughter Emerald has gotten into our bloodlust, driving around and running people over. (accidentaly, of course, and she has no idea she's killing people) It's great. A family that kills together, stays together. Our full four day family total is a little over 335 deaths, most of them done by me while driving on the sidewalks. Feels good. Goodbye you L.A. scum, hello Arizona Bay! Hell yeah!


Somewhere Bill Hicks is smiling.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

EMERALD SPEAKS and some Wood ...

My three year old daughter Emerald wants to type a bit, so here you are ...


juyufdyueuiyeuyolkmvvhfhfudfyu fiyruung8 EMERALD STEVE NATASHAueuyrtydhf fh gjhiffudfhg dgdhdhgkjhu jfdhudjisdd sydudu dsuu


... wow, well she sure knows how to write names. ANYHOO, there is a BRAND NEW LESSON OF WOOD that is out today. It is all about my and Ed Wood's lifelong dreams and I think it's a cracking good read. Check it out right here or you can click here to read the other lessons. It's good stuff!

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

The Galindo Family Killing Spree: Day Two



I don't care what all the video game obsessed uberfreaks out there say ... I LOVE "True Crime: Streets of L.A." Reason? The ability to drive down the streets of L.A. killing everyone I see. Natasha and I are on day two of our massive killing spree. We're like the gamecube's very own Mickey and Mallory, except I'm not an overrated white pothead actor. Natasha's calling card is to steal someone's car and then run them over. Me? I like shooting bums in the head. And our three month old cat Gizmo likes to sit in front of the television and watch every second that we play. It's incredibly cute. I know that everybody says that True Crime sucks ass, but it's the closest my cheap Gamecube-owning ass is ever going to get to Grand Theft Auto. Plus, if we start to feel guilty about the massive Galindo family killing spree, we can always just pop in Spider Man 2 and clear our conscience.

Interesting GVWA postscript:

The people and places, the whos and the whats, that I used regarding Quitman, Georgia are all 100% true. Those are actual elected officials from Quitman and that is the actual owner of that actual Quitman AM radio station. Suck on that, bitches!

Monday, August 8, 2005

GVWA DEVIANCE - Quitman, Georgia

(a blank screen for about three seconds, then a shot of a packed arena cheering, then pyrotechnics, then the song "Sad State of Affairs" by The Descendents)


"Hello and welcome to GVWA Deviance, our entirely fake semi-weekly television show. Tonight's NOT live broadcast comes to you LIVE from the Jerry Stahl Memorial Bus Terminal in downtown Quitman, Georgia. And we are in for an exciting night of fake, semi-offensive professional wrestling.


From the looks of things it looks like the whole town of Quitman has shown up for tonight's event. I can see in the front row city clerk Janice Jarvis in a beautiful Vera Wang gown and she is sitting next to elected Quitman city commissioner Wendell Chisholm and what seems to be a virtual gaggle of reporters from the Quitman Free Press, the eighteenth largest newspaper in all of Georgia.


And DON'T FORGET that we are only one week away from our NEXT entirely FAKE pay-per-view ... GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005, which is sponsored by The Crochet Guild of America. It will be held this sunday, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the historic Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Tickets are available NOWHERE because it's entirely fake, so we hope to see you there!


Well then, we're all set here, so let's stop all this pointless yakking and go straight to our first match of the evening ..."



A "FOUR CORNER" ELLIMINATION MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP:

"Angry" Marisa VS "Double D" VS "Eight foot tall monster" Q VS Britney Spears


As the bell rang, in an excellent strategic move that harkens back to Andre the Giant battle royals of the eightes, all three women automatically charged eight foot tall monstrosity Q, pummeling her with punches and kicks. They just unloaded on Q and wouldn't stop until she passed out a bloody mess around the five minute mark. With only three women left, "Double D" Deinna Disaster strategically faked a calf injury and exited the ring, allowing "Angry" Marisa and white trash whore singer Britney Spears to fight one another. However, the talentless bitch pop diva was no match for Marisa's blind rage and incredible boobies as Marisa took a few punches but eventually made the singer pass out from a choke hold. Once Spears was elliminated, Double D ran back into the ring and pounced on Marisa, quickly injuring her right leg with kicks and sumbission moves. But, as Deinna signalled for "The Measles," Deinna's cousin Emerald ran to the ring, powerbombed her cousin, and dragged Marisa onto her, allowing Marisa to get a three count. Marisa goes on to fight GVWA Women's champion Ed Wood next week at our next pay-per-view.


MATCH LENGTH: 13.04

WINNER: "Angry" Marisa



"WHAT? Emerald's interferance has cost Deinna a chance at the Women's title! We have an exclusive interview with Emerald right here ..."



SINGLE MATCH:

Criswell VS Bill Hicks


Bill Hicks walked to the ring with his new partner, the dark lord Satan. Criswell saw this and immediately hightailed it out of the ring, refusing to fight the deceased Texas comedian with the lord of the underworld at ringside. The referee for the match, Jim Chion, owner of WSFB 1490 AM Radio Quitman, was forced to call the match a NO CONTEST. Satan then grabbed the mic and told the audience that he was soon going to be the almighty lord and ruler of this entire federation ... but first he needed more followers. So, according to Satan, he just finished talking backstage with THE NEW GVWA GENERAL MANAGER (?!?) and that he had set up a match for the pay-per-view ... Bill Hicks versus Criswell ... in a hardcore SOUL MATCH and if Hicks wins, then Satan gets Criswell's soul. What a shocking turn of events but the big question is WHO IS THE NEW GENERAL MANAGER?



A TRIPLE THREAT HARDCORE MATCH:

God VS Harry Potter VS Jesus H. Christ


Jesus came to the ring in a cast, claiming that he had broken his leg after last week's fight with "The Chosen One" Harry Potter. God grabbed the mic and said "Give it up, son ... I know why you're PRETENDING to be injured. You've been avoiding fighting your old man since last month's pay-per-view. You're chicken to go face to face with your dad, that's all." Jesus denied those claims and then introduced his substitute for the match ... Jimi Hendrix! And with a speed usually reserved for his blazing guitar solos, Hendrix utterly decimated God and Potter with a miriad of weapons ... a broom, a hair brush, feminine hygene products, and a life size cutout of Ringo Starr. But God came back, gaining the upper hand with his strength and omnipotence. The match then spilled out of the ring, where Jimi was cut open bu one of God's massive headbutts. Potter tried to finish Jimi off by throwing him on the Hungarian announce table and signalling for his finishing move, which he calls the "Unforgivable Curse," but the deceased musician reversed it, sending the young Potter through the table, knocking him out.


MATCH LENGTH: 12.41

WINNER: Jimi Hendrix



"What the? Jimi Hendrix, in his first match, has beaten the number one contender for the Savior championship. W-w-what happens next? Harry Potter is still scheduled to fight Satan for the title at the next pay-per-view ... right?"



TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH:

"CHAMPIONS" Johnny Depp & Tim Burton "The Collaborators" VS Hitler & Manson "F-ed Up"


The team of "F-ed Up" has worked hard these past two weeks to get this second shot at the tag team championship titles. And in working hard they have gained fear and respect from their compeditors and it is safe to say that almost everybody in the audience were certain that "F-ed Up" would win this match. But they would have been WRONG! Never before has there been such a one-sided tag team match in the GVWA. The team of "The Collaborators" used rapid fire reflexes, technical mat wrestling, and quick tags in and out of the ring to utterly decimate their opponents. The champions left their opponents bruised, beaten, broken and bloody. The match ended when Depp landed his finishing move, a violent running kick to the face that he calls the "21 Jump Kick." The champions are a team to be feared.


MATCH LENGTH: 8.56

WINNER: "The Collaborators"



A NON-TITLE MATCH:

"GVWA Champion" Mr. Lobo VS "A Mystery Opponent"


Mr. Lobo entered the ring with two things ... his GVWA championship belt and a microphone. He began bragging all about his new sindicated television deal (click here to learn more about his tv show) and about how he was going to win his big match next week at Cheesy Pay Per View Title 2005 regardless of who his opponent was going to be tonight. Then, shockingly, Lance and Jesse BOTH came out for a 2-on-1 handicapped match. Lobo tried to escape but Lance clotheslined him, sending his trademark black glasses flying. Aa painfull series of double chokeslams and neckbreakers led to Lance gaining an easy pin on the decimated champion. Jesse then grabbed Lobo's mic and said that this was the birth of a new era in fake professional wrestling. "This," Jesse said, "is the birth of the Book Seller Order ... and the booksellers are going to join up and take over the GVWA. So you're either literate ... or your deceased."


MATCH LENGTH: 8.20

WINNER: The Book Seller Order (The B.S.O.)


A "FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE" MATCH:

Jack White VS The Choir Boy


Jack White entered the ring with a microphone and a steel chsair. He entered the ring, sat down on the chair, and announced that he refused to get up off this chair until The Choir Boy told him and everybody else why he helped "The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski win the main event last week. The Choir Boy refused to answer. Jack White the stood up, went face to face with Choir Boy, and told him that if he wouldn't fess up then he would just have to beat it out of him. Then, out of nowhere, came the words "NO ... I'LL TELL YOU!" And from the back came an injured Reverend Steve in crutches, holding a microphone. Steve hobbled up to the ring and said that if Choir Boy wouldn't tell anybody, then Steve would have to tell everybody. Steve said that Choir Boy helped Greg Kaczynski because the two of them both went to the same catholic school, Sts. Simon and Jude School in Phoenix, Arizona, when they were children. The two of them were both altar boys together until The Choir Boy was MOLESTED by Bishop Thomas O'Brien. ENRAGED that his secret was now out, The Choir Boy attacked Steve with a flurry of punches. Jack White came to Steve's rescue but C.B. came away, making this match another NO CONTEST! Jack White then said that Steve and him would team up and fight Choir Boy next week in a handicapped match. Steve looked frightened but agreed.



OUR MAIN EVENT ...


A STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR A SHOT AT THE GVWA CHAMPIONSHIP AT GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005:


"The Photographer" Greg Kaczynski VS "Mean" Michael Burns


The lights went out in the arena, the lights flash, and Greg Kaczynski came walking down to the arena in a chorus of boos and cheers. Greg entered the arena waiting for his opponent. Then, suddenly, sone song by silverchair started playing and down the ramp came "Mean" Michael Burns ... wearing a B.S.O. t-shirt and being accompanied by Lance and Jesse, both in their own B.S.O. shirts. Greg was weary of fighting a match with the B.S.O. at ringside but felt that there wasn't too much damage they could do when the steel cage lowered. He took a deep breath and readied himself for a difficult match.


Once the bell rang, Jesse threw a massive hardcover copy of "Source" by James A. Michener into the ring. Burns caught the book and quickly, fiercely knocked out Kaczynski, who begun bleeding with all the ferocity of "Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret" by Judy Blume. Burns then climbed over the top of the cage and won the match.


MATCH LENGTH: 4:35

WINNER: "Mean" Michael Burns


"W-wait a second ... the lights ... they've gone out. What's going on ... what ... "


"This ... is the voice ... of the NEW general manager ... and I've made a few matches for the next pay-per-view. First off, if the B.S.O. wants to rule the GVWA ... they'll have to get through the tag team champions. So it will be "The Collaborators versus Jesse and Lance of the Book Seller Order.


Secondly ... since Jimi Hendrix somehow managed to beat God and Harry Potter ... it's only fair that we make the savior championship ... a triple thream match between Satan, Jimi Hendrix and Harry Potter.


And as for you two ... since Michael Burns cheated his way into his title shot ... the main event will now be ... a TRIPLE THREAT ... LADDER MATCH ... between Mr. Lobo, "Mean" Michael Burns, and The Photographer.


I know that a lot of you are wondering who I am ... well, you'll see me next week ... but here's a hint ... I am the first U.S. cabinet member sent to prison for a crime committed in office."


"(silence) Well, what else can be said? Our new general manager, whoever he is, has set up an amazing card for next week's pay-per-view. I can't believe the incredible turn of events tonight and I can't wait to see what happens next week at GVWA CHEESY PAY PER VIEW TITLE 2005!


Well, that's it for us tonight. Hope to see you this sunday, AUGUST 14th, 2005 at the historic Eric Idle Auditorium in downtown Zanesville, Ohio. Thank you and good night!"

Sunday, August 7, 2005

People at Chili's are fucking each other ...

The other day my wife and daughter and I all went to Chili's. All the managers at my work got together and bought me a $50 gift certificate because of how kick ass I made our Midnight Magic Party. That was nice of them. It's more than Missy would have done. So we went to Chili's and we're pigging out on $15 steaks and stuff like that. We're seated right next to the bathroom and the kitchen but I don't mind. That's a prime people-watching spot.


So I'm sitting there eating and freaking out at how good everything is, and I see one of the managers, a big, bulky white buff jock sort of guy. I'm sure there's a neck there somewhere. He's standing near the bathrooms checking out all the super skinny waitresses that I want to tie down and force feed bacon ultimate cheeseburgers to. All of a sudden I'm reminded of an article from The Onion, an old one with the headline Waitstaff Tired of Sleeping with Each Other and I start wondering if he's slept with anybody at his work. Once I think that, one of the waitresses walks into the kitchen but stops at the entrance, turns all cheesy America's Next Top Model-like, and just stares at him and he stares at her.


And that's when I realized, shit, that's the look I used to give Natasha at work when she would pass the kid's section and just hours before we had had some incredibly dirty, sweaty, foul, nasty porn star-like sex. That look like you're trying to set their eyes on fire with your mind.


Holy shit, I thought, those two are fucking each other!


And I almost said that out loud but the mouthfull of steak halted that. Thank god for text messaging.


Anyway, that's my story. GVWA Deviance results will be posted sometime tomorrow. I'm halfway donw with the show right now. It's damn good.

Friday, August 5, 2005

Galindo Girls, a Lesson of Wood, and our bear ...



This is a picture of the two most important people in my life right now - my wonderful wife Natasha and my wonderful daughter Emerald. And in one month we are expecting another child. I'm nervous as all hell but I'm excited. This is our first child together. This is my first child. I spend a lot of nights awake looking into the darkness and wondering if I'm going to be a good father to this child. I'm scared. I really am. But I wouldn't trade this feeling I have for anything in the world. We're having a baby. That rocks.


I'm working on the 30th Lesson of Wood, a series of Ed Wood-related sermons that I started writing in 1997. It's hard for me to write what I want to put forth on the screen, these feelings in my mind and my heart. I'm trying to express my optomism, my happiness, my friends, my family, and all the things that makes my religion something really special to me but it's hard for me to sit down and try to bleed my soul onto a crappy laptop computer.




This is a picture of the baby in my wife's stomache. If you look closely and with the right eyes, you will see an angry grizzly bear on the bottom left side of the picture. The bear is growling and about to swipe at the sleeping fetus. No wonder Natasha has been having so much stomache problems - the baby is fighing a giant grizzly bear.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

GVWA DEVIANCE - THIS WEEKEND!

"This weekend on GVWA Deviance, our all new, completely FAKE professional wrestling program ... click here to listen to the card for this weekend's show!"


(BTW, here's some trivia for you ... in the background you can occasionally hear me saying "Mister November" and "Mister December" because I thought the music sounded like the music that played in the gay porn that Scott Thompson masturbated to in "Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy")

Monday, August 1, 2005

Cats can play Diablo ...


This is my niece's cat playing Diablo II. She's a hardcore gamer. When she was a kitten it was nothing but Unjammer Lammy all night long. Now the cat's older and it's Diablo II all night long. Go figure.

GVWA CLARIFICATION:

The GVWA (Galindo Video Wrestling Association) exists within my dusty old copy of WWF NO MERCY for the N64. It took me a good month of hardcore work to change all the characters to deceased historical figures, people I know, and mildly offensive original professional wrestlers. The matches that happen within this blog ACTUALLY HAPPEN and are written here from my own personal notes of the results (with a few small artistic licenses from yours truly). I am usually drunk when these events happen, just to let you know. Little trivia for you there. I take the GVWA ve-e-e-e-ery seriously.


Why I use NO MERCY for the N64 instead of some Playstation or Gamecube game is that 1) it allows me to change "Triple H" into "Amanda, the Office Cock Tease" and 2) it gives you the option to add possible interferance within a match and allows you to watch the computer fight out the match for you. Which I do for almost every match. So it is not that I am completely inventing everything that happens during these matches. In almost every occasion, it is the computer inventing the outcomes of these matches. I've been doing this since 1998, I believe, but now I'm finally making it out in the open and sharing this bizarre madness with the world.


I have a few new wrestlers that will be appearing sometime soon ... Dirty Sanchez, the dirty masked luchador. Amanda the Office Cock Tease, who lures men into submission with her cock teasing ways. "Intense" Ian McEwan, the guy at your work than knows more about movies and comic books than you do. Parappa the Rapper, who dances to the ring singing "Kick, punch, block!" And, my own personal favorite of the new wrestlers ... actor Josh Brolin circa the 1985 skateboarding movie "Thrashin'." I am very open to suggestions regarding new wrestlers. If YOU have a cool, funny, offensive idea for a GVWA wrestler, please post your suggestions below OR write to me at ReverendSteve@edwood.org!