NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The lack of a colorized "Plan 9" DVD review ...



... this is a picture of me and my newborn daughter Isabela and my wife Natasha at Marisa's turducken party. The person next to us is Marisa's boyfriend, the one who is currently working on our broken computer.


I would really like to post a review of the newly restored and colorized "Plan 9 from Outer Space" DVD that I recently received in the mail. But I don't have a computer. It's being fixed. So that means that I need to use Natasha's mom's computer. Which Natasha won't usually let me use because she wants to spend time with me during our rare time together, not watch me on the computer.


So I have to wake up early, in this case 5:50 am, to sneak next door in the darkness and the rain, so that I can plop myself in front of a computer and check my e-mail and burn cds and update my iPod. This is a pain. And it really makes me wish I had a computer. But the last time I asked a certain big tittied former GVWA champion friend of mine where my computer was and how long it would be (it's been about two and a half + months now I believe) she told me to get off her back, very angrily-like.


So I'm stuck sneaking around to use a computer. Sucks, but what are you gonna do, huh? So this, in a nutshell, is why I have yet to post a review of the dvd. Sorry. One day I'll get around to it.


Speaking of big breasted forver GVWA champions, here's a short quicktime video of my now four year old daughter Emerald, who learned how to spell bananas (sadly) from Gwen Stefani. It's heartwarmingly cute and vaguely frightening at the same time. Big thanks goes out to awesome guy and not at all metrosexual Mr. "Mean" Michael Burns for capturing this at the turducken orgy.


And in the bakground you can see "Angry" Marisa and her boobies drinking alcohol. Awesome.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Loud crackers on a rainy day ...

... so it was Emerald's birthday yesterday. She's turning four years old this tuesday. It was a small party, a handfull of Emerald's friends and Natasha and I's friends ... and a few incredibly loud crackers. That's not a diss. There are a LOT of angry crackers on Natasha's side of the family, no offense to any crackers who might be reading this blog.


It's just that there's such an extreme juxtaposition between Natasha's loud and angry and (for a few aunts) supremely cracked out family and my own quiet and drunk little mexican family and the differences gets to me sometimes. I really want Emerald and Isabela to get to know their OTHER relatives, my side of the family and my aunts and uncles and my cousins and their cousins and even the forrest of relatives I have in Mexico that even I don't really know about. But most of these people are way out in Arizona so all my kids ever get to see are people from Natasha's side. And that makes me sad sometimes.


Anyway, Emerald's birthday was yesterday. There's a massive storm going on right now. I'm glad it only started sprinkling yesterday. It was a fun party. Emerald got a ton of stuff she wanted. I spent a good hour trying to open it all up this morning. Annoying how they make toy packages nowadays. You have to be a fucking mad genius to be able to open this shit nowadays. I opened a Littlest Pet Shop playset. That thing had like ten different layers of security. What gives? Jesus.




This is the only picture that was taken that features me in it. All the others are of Emerald or her and her mother. Not bitter, though.


Emerald's birthday parties always take me back to her second birthday, which was the first one that I was present for. I explained that to Emerald yesterday evening and she seened to understand that I became her daddy when she was one year old. I wish that I could have been there from the beginning, though. I will always regret not having the opportunity to meet Natasha and Emerald earlier so that I wouldn't miss out on being a daddy to her when she was a baby, like Isabela. Every time another one of her birthdays rolls around I get a little bit sad and wish


I stress out a lot over my little Bela. I have never, literally NEVER, been around babies before Isabela was born. Now she cires and cries and it's like somebody's punching me in the stomach. It's like Jesus Christ is slapping me in the face. It's like watching an angel bleed to death. It's like the absolute worst parts of every break up I've ever had, all balled up into a screech of utter pain. It hurts me like nothing has ever hurt me before and there is absolutely no way that I can despribe it properly. It hurts mad.




Now it's raining like mad outside. It's coming down hard like I've never seen it rain before since I've lived here. When I moved to Sacramento all I heard about was the rain and the storms and the rainy "season" and the floods. But since I moved there's been little to no rain. Which I don't mind in the slightest. I hate rain. There's hardly any rain in Phoenix and Mesa and Tempe and Glendale. When it DOES rain, it comes as one big epic biblical storm, the kind that leaves your swamp cooler on the street. And the lightening, too. It's epic and massive and frightening and altogether cool. So I don't mind saying it. It's raining. And I'm scared.


Yesterday, after the party, Natasha and Em and Bela and I went over to our friend Gwen's house. She is going through some serious shit. A LOT of some serious shit. In fact, like Jesus, I think Gwen's going through everyone else's drama FOR US, like Jesus had to die for our sins sort of stuff. She's going through so much and I feel really bad but at the same time I know that I can't do anything about it other than just be an ear. Which I did last night. Plus I got my drink on, which I hardly ever get to do anymore. I love getting a chance to hang out and drink with somebody, especially now that I have two little girls now. Gwen rocks. And so do her kids.


Here's a picture of Emerald in her Halloween costume. She looks amazing ...




Yesterday I got my FREE copy of the Limited Edition restored colorized DVD of Ed Wood's classic "Plan 9 from Outer Space". I'll post a full review here in a few days.


Still no computer from me. That sucks.

Monday, December 12, 2005

ONION article (for all my booksellers in the house) ...


New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel
December 7, 2005 | Issue 41•49

NEW YORK—Gregory Maguire, author of Wicked, the story of Oz told from the Wicked Witch's perspective, has completed a novel told from the point of view of the Smurf-hating sorcerer Gargamel. "I thought this much-maligned man worthy of closer scrutiny, perhaps even sympathy," Maguire said. "His lust for the Smurfs' gold can't entirely explain his actions. His creation of Smurfette, his uneasy partnership with Azrael, his possibly forbidden feelings for his assistant Scruple—there's definitely more than meets the eye." HarperCollins will release I Hate Those Smurfs...? in February.

Sting, Sting, Plan 9, Sting and FUCKING Sting ...

... first off, some "Plan 9" news for everybody. A company called Legend films has just recently finished colorizing the Ed Wood magnum opus "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and being that I am one of the world's leading authorities of all things Ed Wood, having created my own religion based on the life and films of Ed, the people at Legend films are sending me a free copy so that I can watch it and chime my own two cents in.


That is awesome, just so's you know. I get a free copy of the brand new colorized "Plan 9" because of this strange sort of quasi-celebrity status that I seem to have. Well, I WAS in Premiere magazine and all, scoff scoff.


Now I know that a lot of film purists (and, in my opinion, elisist film snobs) are quick to object to any film's colorization, but they've done MORE than just make it in color. They've restored the film, made it sharper and crisper, and they've even included never before seen Ed Wood home movies and tv commercials. I'm no film snob. As far as i'm concerned this dvd is THE movie for Ed fans to have and I eagerly await my free copy to decide for myself.


If you still doubt, then go to their web site and watch their restored "Plan 9" preview and TELL ME it doesn't look good.


In wrestling news TNA wrestling, the world's leading and ONLY alternative to the graveyard that is the WWE, has somehow managed to aquire STING, the wrestler that wrestling fans have been waiting to return for YEARS now. YEARS! Years and years and years of waiting patiently in front of the tv set watching WWE and hoping that white face crow Sting would show up and kick some ass. Now its happening and its NOT in a WWE ring.


This is HUGE! The war between WWE and TNA is officially ON! FInally, it's once again an exciting time to be a fan of professional wrestling.


About goddamn time!


Friday, December 9, 2005

The White Stripes live (and why I wouldn't) ...

... I am a HUGE fan of the White Stripes. I've been into them for a good four or five years now and I have all their albums, even some stuff I've had to look long and hard for. I would say that my favorite songs of theirs are "I'm Bound to Pack It Up" from De Stijl and their live version of "Jolene" from Blackpool Deluxe. I am all about the White Stripes. For my money, they are one of the greatest bands that's alive today and, if they continue on the road they're on right now, they will soon be known as one of the world's greatest bands EVER.


That said, I don't think I would ever see them live.


WHY, you ask?


The answers are in this AWESOME song by kick ass Boston band The Cautions ...


THe Cautions: Big Hit Song (download it now)


Talk to you later. Remind me to tell you all about my big "Plan 9" news!


Tuesday, December 6, 2005

The God of Hives ...


... the God of Hives is a mean and vengeful God. I should know. Just look back in this blog to December 2004 and you will feel a small fraction of the vengeful wrath of the God of Hives.


Well, as it now seems, the God of Hives comes forth from my body at this exact same time every year, usually for different versions of the exact same reasons. Last year it was on account of the news of our pregnancy, then our subsequent miscarriage. It was stress, work, stress, home, stress, and stress. This year it's a different version of that. Now we have a child and all it does is cry and eat, her cries tearing a mission holes in my heart. This year its stress, work, stress, family, stress, baby, and stress.


Same song, different chorus.


So anyhoo, while I was examining my hives in the mirror two hours ago and naming them (the massive one on my inner right bicep, the one that looks like a chicken with David Bowie lips, I've named "Chicken Elvis," an original concept and NOT one based on the movie "Rock-a-Doodle" ...) it suddenly came to me out of nowhere. Suddenly I realized exactly what I needed to do ...


The God of Hives demands a sacrifice in order for him to be appeased.


So I shaved my moustache.


Hopefully, that sumbitch be appeased. I'd show you a picture if I had a computer. And I would ask why I don't have a computer if somebody wasn't suddenly becoming a weeeeeee bit angry.


But hey! That anger is what made her a GVWA Champion.


PS, Claritin Hives works well. FYI for you there if you need it.