NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, December 31, 2006

POST #581 ... Sadly, We Have A New GWA Champion ...

... moments ago, in a not at all hardcore match that lasted no more than two minutes (and possibly less that one minute), former GWA champion "Sexxxy" Natasha Galindo challenged and wiped the floor with champion and husband Reverend Steve Galindo.


Using her brute strength and massive mammaries, she made quick work of the fragile yet sexy latino, using her amazing leg muscles and huge breastesses to easily pin the skinny Steve down on the beanbag and gain an easy three count.


Natasha is once again the GWA Champion!


Well, MY title reign didn't last long.




So, the Galindo family is off now to Gwen's for our own two family new year bash. We're going to party (i.e. play the Wii and get shitfaced) and drink (I haven't drank in almost a month) and maybe even get a little red-eyed, if you know what I mean, not that I do that a lot (i.e. at ALL). And, knowing us, we'll be drunk and it'll be two in the morning and we will all pathetically try and fail to watch Star Wars.


I'm actually kinda scared of sleep overs. It's just something that I didn't do a lot of as a child and not something I've ever gotten used to. I like sleeping in my own bed and any other bed makes me uncomfortable. But, as Natasha explained to me, I'll probably be too drunk to care.


This'll be fun. Hope they don't mind if I bring my iPod.

Awesome YouTube Videos - Part Deux ...

MST3K: Aquatic Wizards

Borat goes jew hunting

Smiley Faces

Cool challenge from "Travel Sick"

Johnny Depp on the set of Ed Wood

Ass pennies

Non-newtonian fluid

The Enchanted Tiki Room

The bloopers from "Rush Hour"

An intervention

MST3K: Gumby's Robot Rumpus

The real band's behind the curtain

Sarah Silverman teaches comedy

The ghost car

Breast inflation

Haunted Mansion Holidays

The awesomeness of "the play"

Caboose on the loose

Openly gay Dan

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Galindo Twilight - Part Five ...

[Burns]

INT. DIVE BAR - DAY

EMERALD, apparently 20, has just entered the bar. She
stands between NATASHA and DAVID CROSS.

EMERALD

Given the limited time I've got, mother, I'll make
this short and sweet. Like I would've been three days
ago, when you found us in the garden, if only your
dwooddamned stubbornness hadn't gotten in the way.

David Cross stares in disbelief.

EMERALD (CONT'D)

If you've got something to say, pube catcher, I
suggest you say it. I've business with my mother.

DAVID CROSS

So, Natasha. You're what, twenty-two? And tits here is
like, seventeen, right? So you had her when you were
five?

NATASHA

Actually, I didn't get to that part yet, David.

EMERALD

What did he call me?

DAVID CROSS

Tits.

NATASHA

If you hadn't interjected so much, Emerald--

EMERALD

Tits?

NATASHA

--Wouldn't've have beaten me to the end of the story.

DAVID CROSS

Ah.

EMERALD shoots a sharp glance at NATASHA, leaps up on
the table, crouches down in front of DAVID CROSS, and
howling with rage, swiftly twists his head off of his
neck. She peers around, her eyes settling on the only
person who has remained in the bar - NATASHA. She
slips down from the table onto the open seat next to
DAVID CROSS's twitching body, pushes him off of the
bench, and crosses her arms.

EMERALD

So. Mother.

NATASHA

Sweetheart.

EMERALD

Why couldn't you have just given him the milk?

NATASHA

Sweetheart, what are you talking about?

EMERALD

Call me sweetheart one more time. I dare you.

NATASHA

I'm sorry.

EMERALD

Now answer my question.

NATASHA

All the milk was gone. I told you that when we buried
your father. I would've given had I any to spare. Bela
took it all.

EMERALD

And now dad's dead, I'm aging at nearly 1,900 times
the normal rate, and that furry shithead is running
around somewhere in the shadows of Machu Picchu
believing she's the heiress apparent to some dead Puma
worshipper.

NATASHA

She's special, sweetheart.

EMERALD leaps back up onto the table, her grip closing
swiftly around NATASHA's throat.

EMERALD

Where is my mother, you bitch?

NATASHA

Sweetheart, be reasonable. I'm right here.

EMERALD

Dwooddamnit! I told you not to call me that! My mother
never calls me sweetheart!

NATASHA begins to gag, her body fluttering.

EMERALD (CONT'D)

What's the code?

NATASHA (GAGGING)

Code?

EMERALD

You want to prove you're my mother? Give me the code.

EMERALD loosens her grip around NATASHA's throat.
NATASHA coughs violently, wipes spittle off of her
mouth with the back of her hand, and then begins to
recite.

NATASHA

Down, up, left, left, A, right.

Natasha coughs.

NATASHA (CONT'D)

Down.

EMERALD growls, shakes her head, and spits on the
table.

EMERALD

Dwooddamnit.

EMERALD places her hands on either side of NATASHA's
head and then begins to squeeze. Within mere seconds
of inhuman screaming, NATASHA stops moving, and a tiny
explosion goes off inside her head. EMERALD hops off
of the table and begins to walk away. Behind her,
sparks are shooting out from NATASHA's body.

EMERALD shakes her head in disgust.

EMERALD (CONT'D)

The only code mother ever taught me was up, up, down,
down, B, A, start. Ten extra lives in Contra.

EMERALD walks out of the bar and looks around at her
dusty, windswept surroundings. The boy and the old man
cower behind a fruit stand. EMERALD continues walking
down the lane, stopping at a cart covered in jewelry.
Noticing a mirror, she stops, and holds it up in front
of her.

ANGLE ON EMERALD's REFLECTION IN MIRROR.

EMERALD notices that her hair has become gray, and her
breasts, which only moments ago had been ripe and
full, are now sagging halfway down her chest. She
lowers the mirror, and her gaze falls upon a green
mountain looming ominously over the town.

EMERALD (CONT'D)

I could use those extra lives right about now.

EMERALD drops the mirror to the ground and begins
walking toward the mountain.

EMERALD (CONT'D)

I only hope Bela can tell me where mother is.

Friday, December 29, 2006

Galindo Twilight - Part Four ...

[Jesse]

"It said fertilizer."

"Fertilizer? What the fuck? Why would it say fertilizer?"

Natasha was drinking her now cold coffee, anything to stay awake. She was sitting in a tall booth in dive bar at 8:36 in the morning. There was an early Beatles song playing on an old jukebox, and the only other patorns in the bar were listening to it; a Mexican boy sitting on a stool and some old dude who was translating the song into Spanish for him.

Across from her was a slim bald man in his late thirties. He was wearing hipster-type Buddy Holly glasses. He came across as young without actually looking it. He was cradling his own coffee mug with both hands as he listened to her story. He was also
David Cross.

"How the FUCK should I know?" she snapped at him.

"Hey, take it easy. I'm just weirded out by this," he said. "Go on with the story."

"OK, so I'm in this crazy fucking garden or whatever, and when creepy neighbor guy moves out of the way, there's this sign and it fucking says 'fertilizer'. At that point, I thought that there was no way I wasn't going to punch this guy again, but I had Isabella in my arms and I couldn't just..."

"You DID have Isabella in your arms, now you had some kind of furry thing," said David Cross.

"What did you fucking call my daughter?" she said.

"Look, I'm just saying that she wasn't your daughter anymore."

Natasha glared at the counter-culture comedian with crosshairs forged in the logicless space that all mothers gather their hate and ire from.

"Aw hell no, you didn't just say she wasn't my daughter!"

"No, you...you're..." he stammered.

She put her hand up, interrupting.

"I don't care what she looked like or fucking transformed into, she was still my little shithead."

No one said anything for a minute and the bored bartender came by and asked if they wanted some eggs or something, because he could cook them up, no problem, as he put it. They both declined, but asked for some coffee that hopefully wasn't as cold. Both of them started laughing; they couldn't help it. Natasha was exhausted, and David Cross was delirious. It was probably something he took. He tried to get the story
going again.

"So, it said 'fertilizer'?"

"Yeah. We couldn't help it, you know? We had to look down into it. At first I couldn't see anything, just the dirt in the hole and pitch black below. Then I
could start to see Steve."

"Who's Steve? he asked.

"My husband," she replied. "I could see his outline, and it looked like he was lying down. Like he fucking fell or something. But it didn't look like that. He was almost peaceful, lying with his arms crossed, and his eyes closed. That scared the shit out of me, until I saw the flowers."

"Fucking flowers were growing out of him. Out of his eyes, his mouth, and even breaking through his skin. I never scream, but I screamed here." she said.

"Mothers make gardens, fathers make seed. Brothers till earth, but daughters will feed."

David Cross says "What?"

"That's what furry Isabella said to me." said Natasha.

David Cross just sat there, a statue. Then he asked what happened next.

"I'll tell you what happened next," said a new voice, just entering the bar.

They looked up, even the mexican boy who got a wink from this beautiful girl who was striding in. She sat down at the booth and hugged Natasha. Tears were already coming down her face. The girl was about twenty and her name was Emerald.

Even David Cross could tell that they were related.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Coleridge Goes To The Beach - NOW in Pop-Up STEVE Vision ...

... it's the video "Coleridge Goes To The Beach" with pop-up video-ish factiods and comments written by me, GWA Champion Steve Galindo.


This is officially the coolest thing ever!





Galindo Twilight - Part Three ...

[Greg]

"Come out to the garden" The neighbor slid off of the couch and lurched through his cluttered den and to the sliding glass door which led to the back yard. As he was about to slide open the door, he turned towards Natasha, "This isn't my fault… but it's pretty damn funny."

After a bit of struggle, the glass door grated across its rusty track, and the neighbor loped over the threshold, Natasha and Bela right behind. She had expected, stepping outside, that the day would've begun to warm, the sun rising in the morning sky, but to her surprise, it was even darker out than it had been when she had stalked to the neighbor's house, in fact, the full moon had sneakily crept back up into the night sky, and the air had grown bone cold. The neighbor didn't notice, but Bela squirmed in Natasha's arms. She took her daughter by the waist and lifted her before her eyes to tell her it was going to be okay, but her gaze fell upon a creature totally unlike her daughter. Bela had sprouted coarse hair all over her tiny baby body and her eyes had turned a golden yellow.

The shock of her transformation almost caused Natasha to drop her child, and in fact, she would have, but the child quickly clutched onto her mother's shoulders with strong, clawed hands, and scrambled onto her back. "Relax, mother, I won't bite you/ I'll ride on your back, that's what I'll do" she hissed.

Natasha grabbed the neighbor by the arm and whipped his grinning face around, "What have you done to my family?"

A giggle escaped from his creepy face, his single tooth waggled in his gums, "My lady, I have done nothing… I'm afraid, however, that this all may be a side effect of my experiments." A series of laughs like machine gun fire, all inhaled. "Follow me to the garden."

In the dim blue light of the full moon, she followed his limping walk around a massive oak tree (How was his backyard so big?!) and behind a rusty, dirty shed, the man's garden spread into view.

Tangled vines and stems stretched to the horizon, the fence to Natasha's house was nowhere to be seen, in fact, her house had seemed to disappear, all there remained was this garden, this giant, sprawling garden. The plants all shimmered in the moonlight, sparkles lighting here and there amongst the plants. Throughout the garden were various holes, big holes, holes that a full size man could slide down, and beside those holes were makeshift signs, pieces of old driftwood nailed to thick tree stumps. Each of the signs were hand painted in black, messy letters. The nearest sign read "Social Conservatives", and the one behind it read, "Tiny, Enclosed Spaces," both things that sent chills down Natasha's spine.

Her manimal-daughter leaned over her back, "Now mother, please don't be afraid / For certain, our family, here is laid."

"Now, hold on to your pants, because this is where it gets good," and the neighbor stepped back, revealing the hole behind him, and a sign, the word printed on it froze Natasha in her tracks.


Part four in our epic saga coming tomorrow night-ish ...

We Have A NEW GWA Champion ...

... at about 11am this morning Reverend Steve Galindo challenged GWA champion Emerald Rose for the championship belt. It was an intense twenty minute match that saw Emerald somehow managing to wiggle her way out of every submission move her daddy put on her. The match almost ended when Emerald, showing amazing high flying skill, jumped from the bed to the beanbag, planting both knees into her daddy's ribs and knocking the wind out of him.


Finally, after a hellish bodyslam onto a pile of clothes, Steve landed a three count and a win.


Reverend Steve is the NEW GVW Champion!




However, this looks to be the beginning of a very heated rivalry. Instead of handing the belt to her father, Emerald hit him over the head with it, then dangled the belt on front of him, yelling "This is MINE!"


Only time will tell where this rivalry goes, but for now ...


THE CHAMP IS HERE!

I.Q. Doctor Space Wiser Super Robot ...



... Emerald goes to my step-parent's church sometimes. Ther are a LOT of chinese and korean people who go to that church. So when they decided to give Em and her cousin Deinna a christmas gift they went and bought them the funniest, shittiest, coolest robot toy ever made.


His name is the I.Q. Doctor Space Wiser Super Robot and he shoots discs at you and teaches you how to dance, all in hard to decipher, very broken english. The warning on the front of the box reads "Infrared Ray Function Caution: To operate it at its best, the controller should be aiming at the receiver at the robot's head." This warning is all over the box, over and over again.


Here's how it works:


"Push the switch to on, the power is on, then press the start button on upper body of robot to enter into sound function practice and before its sound's ending any functions'operating is ineffective.The Robots eyes will shine during all operation.The system keeps awaiting if you wont operate it in a while. Push the switch to off, the power is off ."


This thing is so fucking awesome! Who needs a Wii or anything from my christmas list for that matter when I can play with a dancing robot with no sense of the english language who is some sort of doctor.


This robot is available right now at eBay india for 475 Rs, whatever THEY are. However I should note that the picture above is the I.Q. Master Space Wiser Super Robot, which claims to be version II but as far as I can tell is the exact same thing as the I.Q Doctor Space Wiser Super Robot but with a few more bits colored. Just being specific.


Here's some free music for your space wiser super robot ass ...


Helix: Rock You

Ra: Don't Turn Away

The Thermals: Here's Your Future

Jay-Z: Dirt Off Your Shoulders

The Beatles: Julia

Tenacious D: The Government Totally Sucks

Ra: You Need Me

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes: The Longest Time (live)

John Lennon: Watching the Wheels

John Lennon: Mind Games

The Bees (U.S.): I Love You

The Dears: There Goes My Outfit

Party Ben: Never Feel Good


Stay tuned for part THREE of Galindo Twilight, premiering sometime tonight-ish ...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Galindo Twilight - Part Two ...

[Marisa]

Natasha detached Bela and pulled on a violet sweater that just barely contained her luscious breasts. Bela protested, but Natasha slipped a pacifier into her mouth to quiet the girl. Stepping into her favorite pair of flip flops, Natasha took Bela into the stillness of the morning air. It was colder than she'd anticipated and she shivered a little, hugging her daughter closer to warm them both.

Her husband's car was in the driveway, where it belonged. Something was definitely not right; Steve and Emerald never went for early-morning constitutionals, especially not in the freezing-ass cold, so different from the Arizona warmth of her husband's youth. Natasha had no clue as to what was going on, but she had her suspicions. She strode next door- not to her parents' house, but to the home of a much more sinister character. The home of a man who, three days before, Steve had seen loading three suspicious-looking black garbage bags into the back of a truck.

Natasha and Steve's Creepy Neighbor Guy was asleep on his sofa when she burst in. He woke with a start.

"All right, you sick freak. What have you done with my husband and my daughter?!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, miss," he slurred, still hazy from sleep.

"Don't give me that." She grabbed his shirt collar. "He saw you. We both have, your weird habits and your garden and all the creepy-ass signs. You expect me to believe you haven't been watching us too?"

Natasha almost thought she was overreacting until she saw the Creepy Neighbor Guy smirk slightly. "I have been," he almost whispered. "You're a lovely family."

Natasha lost control in that moment. Not even ten minutes had passed since she'd discovered Isabela's shining tear and found Steve and Emerald missing, but it seemed like it had been forever. She punched her creepy neighbor square in the mouth and he recoiled with pain. She hit him again, and a thin stream of blood leaked from the corner of his mouth.

"Fine, fine! I didn't do it, but I'll tell you what I saw!"


Part three tomorrow night ...

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

I Hate Drake - 'Cuz He Sucks Is Why ...


Galindo Twilight - Part One ...

[Steve]

Natasha Naleen Galindo woke up to the sound of screaming.

That was nothing new to her. In her 22 years of living and five years of being a mother, she had gotten used to waking up to the sounds of screaming. It seemed at times as if there was always screaming of some sort in that house, be it screams from her one year old daughter Isabela (who probably started screaming because she realized that a second went by without a nipple in her mouth) or her five year old daugter Emerald (who probably started screaming because she realized that a second went by without her playing her Gamecube) or her good natured husband (who probably started screaming because someone left a toothpick on the floor).

Being a parent, a good parent, for any lengthy period of time gives you an uncanny ability to drown out the loudness that automatically comes with being a parent to begin with.

And yet Natasha had another ability, a parental spider-sense ability if you will, to know when a scream is a scream for nipple and Harvest Moon or if its another scream, one of danger. And, at approximately 6:28 am, Natasha sprung up in bed and listened to Isabela crying, her voice muffled and computerized on the baby monitor.

She knew something was wrong.

Natasha leaped onto the floor with a bit too much enthusiasm and sprained her left ankle. It would have sidelined her on any given day but hearing her baby's computerized screams Natasha started a sprint, as much of a sprint as you can do in a house with such a massive amount of clothes and Jimboy's wrappers scattered on the brown carpeted floor. It took her about nine limping seconds for Natasha to make it to Isabela's bedroom.

She threw the door open and saw little fifteen month old Bela trying unsuccessfully to climb out of her crib, a look of fear on her big brown eyes. "Shhhhhh. Shut up, you little shithead" Natasha mumbled and picked the baby up, shoving her engorged left breast in Bela's mouth, God's very own pacifier, and Bela was soon lost in the
milk and sliding fast asleep.

Natasha sat down on the green rocking chair that her husband's parents bought them as pennance for not giving a shit about their well being, and she soon found herself almost sliding fast asleep like her daughter.

Only, right before her eyes closed for what would have been their last glimpse of consciousness before sliding into what would have been a very intriguing dream about The Colbert Report and aligators, something happened. A dazed Natasha, seconds away from sleeping, noticed something glinting in the almost darkness of Isabela's room.

It was light reftecting in the darkness. It was light reflecting off of water.

It was a tear.

It was Isabela's tear.

And Isabela never cries tears.

Her super mom spider-sense was right. Something was wrong.


Standing up with Bela still in her arms, she pushed open the door to Emerald's room with her right foot. Flicking the light switch open, she saw what she had feared the moment she woke up to the sound of crying. Emerald wasn't there. She wasn't lost under a giant mountain of pillows. She wasn't pretending to be in the bathroom pooping for six hours. She hadn't rolled off her overly high princess bed. She was gone.

Panic crept through every hair on her body. She ran in a sprint back to her bedroom, a still sleeping Bela now getting a mouth full of milkshake as she made it back to her bedroom in about six seconds. She was out of breath when she made it to the bedroom but what she was there made her lose her breath entirely.

Her husband Steve wasn't there, either.

Emerald and Steve were nowhere to be found.

Where were they? Had someone taken them?

And what should she do next?


PART TWO TOMORROW NIGHT ...

Monday, December 25, 2006

Natasha's Super Secret X-Mas Present ...


... my wife's super secret x-mas present was a short story entitled Galindo Twilight which was written in various installments by me and a few of Natasha's friends. I said it before and I'll say it again ... what I lack in money I make up for in heartwarming creativity. And this is a prime example.


It is a bizarre dark thriller in which Natasha wakes up and finds that her oldest daughter and husband are suddenly missing. In searching for them she is pulled into a series of strange plot twists that feature a strange garden, a breast reduction, comedian David Cross and our Creepy Neighbor Guy.


I finished it at work yesterday. It all came out good. Damn good. But the ending I tacked on at the end was kind of a cheap cop out where Natasha wakes up from a dream but WAS IT a dream?!?!? and it just doesn't sit well with me that due to time constraints I had to end it like that.


So I have decided to post the story here on my blog, one post every night, and then instead of posting my cop out ending I will CONTINUE the story, asking various people via e-mail to add another part and then posting the new chapter here.


This is a damn good story. Damn good. But it just isn't finished. It needs to keep going.


Check back tomorrow night for the thrilling beginning to Galindo Twilight. Hell yeah. This is going to be awesome.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Late Night Magic Time ...



... there's a really special time that a mother and father share together. That's when its late Christmas Eve and they're staying up late together wrapping presents for the kids. And for my wife and I it's us sitting down on the floor in front of a roaring fire in the fireplace and we're drinking some cold Rockstars and bullshitting and listening to the awesome mix of the 3+ hour X-Mas playlist on my iPod.


This is a really rewarding time. Makes me damn glad to be a parent.


BTW, be sure and check back here christmas night for details on my wife's super secret x-mas present! It's going to be awesome!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Brand New Baby Drama ...

... yesteday morning/early afternoon, Isabela had a seizure. She was blue in the face and couldn't breathe. Natasha rushed her to the hospital where they gave her two CAT scans and tested her blood. The doctors weren't sure what had happened and two doctors actually disagreed on it being a seizure or not. This morning Bela visited her usual doctor and it looks like yes she did indeed have a seizure. She seems to be fine now, however, and is back to her usual screeching and yelling and pooping self. It looks like this seizure was a one time thing, probably connected somehow to her getting the same Texas-sized stomach virus that's going around. But her doctor says she's perfectly healthy, she doesn't have some disease, and its highly unlikely she's have another one. But just to be sure we are monitoring her closely and she's seeing a pediatric neurologist next week to rule out bad things.


It looks like once again our little Isabela has succeeded in giving us the scare of our lives but she's a trooper and she bounces back fast and it looks like the worse is behind us. Keep us in your thoughts and hope that all remains well with all our health.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Steve Galindo: Unprofessional Professional Journalist ...

... I attended Arizona State University for, well, let's just say many years. And for one whole year of my time there I somehow managed to become a paid member of the State Press, the ASU campus newspaper. I was hired on as an editorialists. I tried to take it all seriously. I liked to write my little collums in the bullpen, too, be there amongst the newsmaking and the yelling and the chaos. But I soon realized that since all I did was write little editorials I wasn't seen as a "real" journalist by all the high headed, upper class, stick-up-the-ass news people they got down there in Arizona State. It was then that I said fuck it and started writing the shit that I thought was funny. I got a little cult following and managed to get hired on for a second semester but I didn't last long after that.


My first piece of controversy was a call for all students to drop out. A lot of professors didn't care too much for that.


I then apologized for the sinking of the Titanic and was accused of making light of the Titanic disaster, which was absolutely true.


I then discussed the positive aspects of Barbie for president.


The collumn that I was the most proud of was the one I wrote about the girl selling flowers on the street corner during valentine's day. I felt I could have won an award for that one if the white bitches running the newspaper actually gave a shit about me.


Strangely enough, two of my best collumns are missing from the school's databanks. One is about my father's failed attempt at running the New York City marathon when I was a child. It was written really well and succeeded in making my father cry when he read it.


The second one that's missing I don't think is simply a mistake on the webmaster's part - it was a highly controversial article I wrote ON ELECTION DAY 2000 where, amongst all the high class intellectual republican editorials about the purity and seriousness of election day and the election process, I wrote a piece about how the presidential election was a bunch of bullshit and how both candidates were corrupt mindless assholes and as a protest I urged all like minded individuals to write in Mike the Headless Chicken on their ballots.


I pissed off people. A LOT of people. And now there's no record of the article existing, except for on my old dusty book shelves. I don't think it's a coincidence that my most controversial collumn is now suddenly absent from the archives. I think it's been erased!


Anyhoo, I couldn't sleep and googled myself. Twice, actually. And when I cleaned myself off I decided to search for my name on Yahoo and found these old ass articles from Arizona College Steve. hope you like them. I think they're pretty good. Let me know what you think ...

Monday, December 18, 2006

The Magical Three Way Sickness ...

... there is without a doubt hands down the world's nastiest stomach virus making the rounds of my work right now. It hits like Rocky Balboa on fucking crack and it makes you feel like you're on your death bed. It's a Texas-sized stomach bug and it knocks even the toughest man on his candy ass. I don't know who had it first but Pam had it and Jim had it and he probably gave it to Joe who then gave it to Lance who sadly gave it to his poor young son and then his son gave it to Kyle who then gave it to Perry who probably gave it to ME for burning his ass in my blog a few days ago about him being a bargain book lover.


That's called karma and Carson Daily taught it to me.


I had it really bad for about two days. I cried for most of those two days. I pooped a record 20+ times in one single day. At the end of the day it was screaming red hot fire just to sit down, it was so bad. God I hurt so much. Never have I been sick and had it feel so much like death. I literally felt like I was going to die, I was so hot and dizzy and vomitous. It was how Louis must have felt in Interview with a Vampire when his body had to die in order to become a vampire. I don't reference that bitchwhore Anne Rice too often but that's the best analogy for the pain that this Bar-Nob stomach virus is.


I then gave it to my wife for like a night, which wasn't too bad for her.


Now BOTH Isabela and Emerald have it. At the exact same time.


And it's ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad.


Beck: Nausea


Isabela has vomited three times today. Each time it's been like curdled Natasha milk. And she has a fever which is so-o-o-o bad that she's actually being quiet and polite, not her usual CAR-ALARM A.D.D. ANGRY PISSED OFF SCREECHING HARPIE HELLBIRD self. And Emerald seemed fine at school but once she came home she just started vomiting all over the place. And now BOTH girls are sick, have a fever, vomiting, getting the runs like their daddy, and both of them (shudder) are crying.


How Natasha is going to take care of the BOTH of them tomorrow I do not know. But I love and admire and pitty her all at the same time. And I kiss her feet for loving her kids so much. I'd stay home but I wouldn't know the first thing about mothering these kids. And that's what they're going to need to get better - endless smothering-sized mothering.


So, let's get to the magical moment in questioned ... Emerald was on the couch after like her fourth vomit session. She was drinking water and watching Sifl and Olly and getting ready to pass out. Suddenly she gets up and slowly shuffles to the bathroom. She has to poop and pee. But then out of nowhere she suddenly has to vomit ... and, for a four year old girl who just last year learned self control of her bowels, that was just too much pressure for her fragile little body to handle.


So it all came out, ALL OF IT, three damn ways. A magical three way vomitpooppee.


I didn't even think that such a thing was humanly possible. Goddamn. She probably opened up some wormhole when she did that, some strange Captain Picardian wormhole. What's worse, if she had to sneeze too then she probably would have exploded.


God. I SO don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm already feeling sick right now just by being here. I'm shaking. I'm nervous. My stomach is feeling queasy seeing all this vomiting and various other unmentionable acts. I don't know how hot I'll be tomorrow.


THIS IS PROBABLY NOT THE BEST TIME TO MENTION IT but official Captain Book t-shirts are available for sale NOW in both adult and youth sizes. I haven't gotten Kenton's approval yet but I'm not sure if I legally need to seeing as he's my creation. Besides, he's such an awesome sport these past few months with dressing up as all the characters at my storytimes that you just KNOW he's going to think it's totally awesome that he's a shirt.

This Is Just Pissing Me Off Now ...

... originally I went on YouTube to see if I could find footage of doucebag wrestler Joey Mercury getting his nose broken in half and blood spurting everywhere like an out of order drinking fountain and I eventually found that. But as I wandered the hallowed halls of YouTube I enentually stumbled across a clip of Penn and Teller doing the cup and balls magic trick on (yuck) The View and then immediately explaining how they did it and it arose in me (for probably the thirtieth time in my life) a profound sense of gratitude for them and their brand of no-nonsense in your face magic, one where the megician tells you right off the bat that everything you're about to see is, in fact, bullshit.


Then I decided to track down some episodes of their Showtime comedy muckraking show simply entitled Bullshit. It was one of those shows, like Six Feet Under and The Wire and CSI, that I would tell people that I've seen and dug just so they could get off my back. I do that sometimes. No, I have NOT seen the movie Swingers but I will TELL YOU I've seen Swingers to avoid an annoying fifteen minute conversation where you do a piss poor job of explaining the movie to me.


So I eventually found their Showtime show. I found a LOT of it. And I think I'm going to stop looking for it now. Why you ask? Because their show is so damn good that it's succeeding in repeatedly pissing me off about a series of topics, including ...


The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ...



The Bible ...



Circumcisions...



and conspiracy theorists ...




This show is just pissing me off now. i like it a lot but what I don't need now is anger.


That's what the small white pills I'm taking are for.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Captain Book, the Arden Barnes and Noble's Newest Superhero ...

... I created the outfit myself out of a whim. The muscles come from an old Batman costume that Michael Burns brought to work to give away. I took it, thinking I could do something with it during superhero storytime a week later. I was at first going to just wear the muscles during storytime but then I had the idea to come out in some sort of superhero costume. I spent about half a work day going through our craft closet and wandering around the store looking for bits and pieces and ideas and that's how Captain Book and his PDT of justice was born.


My plans to BE Captain Book, however, were squashed. See, I KNEW that superhero storytime was on the 9th and I also KNEW that my daughter's birthday was on the 9th. It was when those two finally came together a few days before the 9th that I scrambled to find somebody to fill Captain Book's shoes, eventually finding Kenton, a new hire who is a frighteningly good sport about everything. I can't believe I found enough fabric around the store to make his cape and I absolutely love his oversized eye mask. Somehow it reminds me of Forbush Man, an old Marvel superhero joke that nobody but me remembers. There's a insignia on Captain Book's chest which is an actual book that opens up and says his name. Awesome. He has super strength which he uses to pick up super heavy books and he has super speed which he uses to give people books super fast. And, this is the best part ... his arch enemy is the evil and sinister Dr. Borders, who tries to get kids not to read by giving them dvds and music and coffee. I was going to give his archenemy another name but that would have gotten me in a lot of trouble with corporate. Another Barnes and Noble close by would have been pissed, too, so he's just Dr. Borders.


Captain Book was a success and the kids loved him and took pictures. Me being the jealous type, I've already gotten the kids at storytime excited about next month's appearance of Captain Book's latin cousin SENIOR BOOK who looks a lot like me except he doesn't wear glasses and I do. I might even throw a costume together and have Senior Book attacked by the evil Dr. Borders, have the two of them fight it out.


There's a small chance that I'm taking this too far.


But the kids get a kick out of it, so everything's okay. Right?

Friday, December 15, 2006

Too Tired, Too Medicated, Too Drunk ...

... one good thing about all the meds my doc has me takin' is that now I'm saving hella money. Why? Because before it would take a whole six pack to get me drunk. Now, thanks to a head full of meds, it just takes one beer. And that's awesome.


Anyhoo, I was going to write this big ass post all about this one specific episode of the 1960s cartoon The Mighty Thor, breaking down the entire episode and explaining in turn how my watching this strange ass cartoon repeatedly since I was a kid has shaped my own negative views towards women even still to this day.


But I'm fucking tired.


So here's my favorite episode of The Office instead.





I'll get to the Thor thing some other time. I promise.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Super Top Secret Christmas Project ...

... what I lack in money I make up for in creativity.


That being said, my super top secret Christmas present to my wife is going along swimmingly. I am currently on part five which proves to be the most violent part of the plan. I hope I can handle this. I think I can. And I hope everything's legal, too. I think it is. I am very excited.


What I lack in money I make up for with a keen mind that can think up heartwarming and creative yet inexpensive gifts like the totally awesome kick ass thing I have in store for my amazing wife to show her how much I love her.


This is going to be so totally cool.


Gym Class Heroes: Cupid's Chokehold


Here is a picture I just threw together. It's Isabela in her toughest role yet ...



... which one of those two pictures has the biggest crybaby in them?


If you guessed the second picture, you'd be correct.

Monday, December 11, 2006

The Small Black Lump Near My Lungs ...

... so I stopped eating and drinking last night around 9pm, read some more of Stephen King's Cell, and went to sleep. I woke up, took Emerald to school, and then made my way to the doctor's office. They lady who takes my blood is hella nice and has just now started remembering who I am, so that's cool. They took three vials of blood away from my right arm and gave me a kit to take home so that I can save some little pieces of my poop so that they can study it for bad things. I had to do it a year or two ago and it's not much fun. Not looking forward to it. Then I had to go in the lobby with Natasha and Bela and wait for the x-ray technician to get done with a few patients so that they could check out my lungs. We waited for over an hour and a half, a long time to wait in a packed waiting room with a bunch of fat old christian ladies talking about sewing and grandchildren and how much of a genius Mel Gibson is. But somehow Isabela managed to be the most well behaved little fourteen month old little girl ever and I got to spend an hour and a half playing with Bela before the nice x-ray guy called me back. Made me feel calm, as calm as I could under the circumstances. I expected, having only my knowledge of getting x-rays done when I was a kid, that I would have to lay down on a slab and wear an iron vest and all this stuff. No, I took off my shirt and had to lean against the wall as some computer-camera made some deep growling noises. Took about a minute. When it was all done I had to wait for the pictures to get developed, so Bela and Natasha came into the room with me and I kissed little Bela and held my breath. I was nervous as hell.

The nice x-ray man came back about two minutes later with the results under an arm. I didn't think the whole thing would happen so quickly. I thought I'd have more time to be worried but no. In an instant the x-ray was done and the results were here. The guy walked us all into his office and slapped the x-ray pics up on the wall. We all took a look. I could feel my breath getting shallow. I saw a lump, a small black lump the size of a meatball on the bottom right of the screen, near the bottom of my ribs. I feared the worst. Already in my mind I was thinking I'd be bald and in a wheelchair like Andy Kaufman right before he died in Man on the Moon. I could feel myself not breathing. And then, suddenly, the x-ray technician said "Wellp, it looks good!" What? "You're all healthy!" B-b-b-but ... what about THAT? That thing there, the small black lump on the bottom right of the x-ray, the black thing by the bottom of my ribs, what's that? He says, "Wellp, that's your stomach. What'd you have fer breakfast?" And that's when I realized I hadn't eaten in a very long time.


So, some coffee and a medium Mr. Pibb and a double quarter pounder with cheese and a medium fries and some Pepsi and some Dreyer's grand chocolate chip ice cream later, I am happy to say that so far everything's fine with me and my body. They might find something bad with the blood work and the poop samples but so far it looks like the screaming white headaches and the dizzyness and the joint pain and the stabbing chest pains and the super mad painful bleeding stomach pain is all just a result of stress and depression. So they have me on some stomach medicine that makes me dizzy and they have me on Paxil, an antidepressant that make me spaced out and happy and mellow. Hopefully these pills will stop the pain and make me less stressed and make all the painful ailments go away. I had a bad scare today. I don't want that to happen again.


Let the bodies hit the floor


In some petty little work news, last night I caught Perry bitching about me after I left. I was supposed to have gone but Natasha forgot something so I went and read some magazines and caught him bitching loudly at Lance about me. So I walked out and told him to tell it to my face. He complained that he had to help TWO PEOPLE in kids and had to answer a PHONE CALL and how I wasn't training my people right. I tried to tell him my story but he didn't care what I had to say and walked away from me as I was talking to him.


My wife says I shouldn't be pissed off about that. And I'm not. And I'll tell you why. Perry is the bargain manager. That's all. He's the manager of bargain. And nothing else. He cares about bargain and the bargain section and bargain books and bargain backstock and working on bargain and opening bargain boxes and shelving bargain books. Anything else he has to do that DOESN'T involve bargain he immediately makes someone else do. He cares only about bargain. He's the bargain manager. I mean, sure he's the "assistant store manager" (with finger quotes) but he focuses too unduly on bargain to the poing where anyone else who isn't involved with bargain usually gets the shaft.


I might seem cold and bitter. And I'm not. It's the truth. Perry sees everyone with a barcode sticker on the botton right of their shirts. True dat.

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Big Birthday Blowout Music Sale ...


... it's Emerald's birthday party today so we are having a massive music blowout sale! All overstocked mp3 files must go! All songs absolutely FREE! Come one come all, no crowding! It's all free!


Yup. Emerald's birthday party is today. And its really going to be a good one. I feel bad that I'm not at work, missing the big superhero storytime that I was going to do today featuring the first appearance of CAPTAIN BOOK and his PDT of JUSTICE (wait till you see the costume I made) but Emerald wants me to read stories and do a storytime at her party. Which I find to be a really big honor. Emerald wants me to do my thing at her party. I won't be hiding in the back of this party talking to Gwen and fooling around with the 55 song 2.8 hour iPod "Emerald's Birthday" playlist that, in reality, no one will give a crap about on account of Natasha's loud cracker family.


This time I will actually be a part of the party. And that's awesome. Here's a picture of Em and me at her second birthday party and the first one that I was there for ...




Awesome. Here's some music for your ass ...


Black Eyed Peas: Bebot

They Might Be Giants: Don't Lets Start

Ghostface Killah Feat. Sheek Louch: Blue Armor

The Beatles: Octopus's Garden (LOVE)

A Tribe Called Quest: Bonita Applebaum

Jurassic 5: Back 4 You

Talking Heads: Once in a Lifetime

Jay-Z: Dirt Off Your Shoulders

The Format: Pick Me Up

The Thermals: Here's your Future

ELO: Livin Thing

Prince: Partyman


And for those of you who are keeping score, I have chosen the "Shooting Wetback Rooster" from Three Caballeros to be my costume for Emerald's Disney costume party. And by "chosen" I actually mean that I will be wearing a cheap ass Party America brand sombrero and carrying around Emerald's broken guitar from last year and wearing a red Hulk Hogan shirt because that's the only thing I own that's red.


And Natasha will be some purple ass Disney Fairy chick. Bess, I believe.


There will be pictures later. Wish us luck. Hope you like all the music. Here's a link to some sweet christmas super fudgy funtime:

Charlie Brown part one/part two

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

A Comprehensive List Of The X-Mas Music That Is On My iPod ...



Believe it for not cakesniffers but it's only a few more days until X-mas and somehow I have actually managed to get EXCITED about it this year. How I have no idea but the point of it is that I'm happy and excited and dare I say joyfull and as a result I have a massive poopload of holiday songs on my iPod that, as a request, I am now listing here for you to peruse and download as you wish.


Enjoy!


Sloppy Seconds: Theme from "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"

Twisted Sister: O Come, All Ye Faithful

The Ramones: Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)

Cheech and Chong: Santa Claus and His Old Lady

Barenaked Ladies: Snowman

South Park (Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics): Dead, Dead, Dead (the GREATEST X-MAS SONG EVER, the song I successfully got banned forever by my parents)

Bright Eyes: Silver Bells

Vince Guaraldi: O Tannenbaum

Death Cab For Cutie Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)

El Vez: Feliz Navi-Nada

Paul McCartney: Wonderful Christmastime

Tom McRae: Wonderful Christmastime (the SAD version of the song above)

Toad the Wet Sprocket: I Will Not Take These Things For Granted (it just FEELS like a x-mas song to me)

The Eels: Christmas Is Going To The Dogs

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers: Christmas All Over Again

The Flaiming Lips: Christmas At The Zoo

Dean Martin: I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm

Vince Guaraldi: Christmas Time Is Here (Vocals)

Jimmy Eat World: Last Christmas

Dean Martin: Let It Snow

Run-DMC: Christmas in Hollis (no X-mas playlist is complete without this song)

The Format: Holly Jolly Christmas

John Lennon: Happy Christmas (War Is Over) (hands down the COOLEST X-mas song EVER!!!)

Andy Williams: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year (A Shrift Remix)

Twisted Sister: Deck the Halls

Vince Guaraldi: Skating

Kay Starr: I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm (Stuhr Remix)

Badly Drawn Boy: Magic in the Air

Mel Tormé: The Christmas Song (Michael Kessler Open Fire Mix)

Mogwai: Christmas Song

Sufjan Stevens: It's Christmas! Let's Be Glad!

Vince Guaraldi: Christmas Is Coming

Jim's Big Ego: New Lang Syne (thank god it's over) (a song commissioned by NPR to be THE new year's party song for an emotionally exhausted, post 9/11 world)

Richard Cheese: Rape Me


Marisa is fucking awesome. She's my fucking homegirl.

Mental Note ...

... if I'm going to take a boatload of medication for my stress levels and my stomach problems, I kinda sort have to eat.


Because if I decide NOT to eat all day and still take my meds, my entire body starts to vibrate and I'll vomit.


Mental note.

Monday, December 4, 2006

We Have Another NEW GWA Champion ...

... the Galindo Wrestling Association had without a doubt its most grueling wrestling match, an intense twenty five minute hardcore bedroom match that saw the new GWA champion Sexxy Natasha defending her title against scrappy little former champion Emerald Galindo. It was an amazing match in which Emerald pulled out all the stops, using a dazzling array of arial moves to repeatedly jump from the bed to the beanbag to try and wear down the champ.


Natasha tried to use her strength to her advantage, repeatedly bodyslamming Emerald into the bed and throwing her from the bed face first into the beanbag. A few times, Emerald's head slammed into the wall. A few bumps and bruises however didn't slow her and eventually she managed to get on top of Emerald in a way where Natasha LITERALLY couldn't move and Emerald managed to get a clean three count.


Emerald has retained the gold and has now becomes a two time GWA champion!


We are extremely proud of our little Emerald. What was thought up over a few beers as being a cool, funny thing for our family to do is turning into something that is having a positive effect on our oldest daughter. It's pretty incredible to see her take the bumps and falls that she took and still stand up and keep fighting. And its incredible to think that after a longthy day at school that she could bust her ass in an almost half hour long hardcore match. That's incredible. She deserves that title around her belt.


Bu-u-u-ut ...


Emerald's birthday party is on the 9th. Her actual birthday, though, is on the 20th. And sometime between the 20th and X-mas ...


... expect the gold to finally come home!


My Christmas List (In No Particular Order) ...


-Best Buy gift certificate (the BEST X-mas present my parents ever gave me)

-this TOTALLY KICK ASS Ed Edd and Eddie "Wood" t-shirt

-pants that actually FIT me and my fluctuating weight (120-155 lbs.)

-ECW hats/shirts/wristbands/ect

-a digital camera

-any CDs by the following rap acts: Busdriver, MF Doom, Ghostface Killa and King Geedorah

-a DVD player that, unlike the DVD player my parents got us last X-mas, actually works a damn

-the original japanese Godzilla (Gojira) DVD

-Any or ALL of the seasons of Kids In The Hall

-dirty, filthy japanese animated porn

-I'm Alan Partridge

-the Monty Python "Personal Best" DVDs

-for my seasonal X-mas hives to NOT show up this year

-popcorn (LOTS)

-socks (LOTS)

- a Pirates of the Caribbean pinball machine (knowing fully well I'll never get it - you always have to have something on your list you know you'll never get)

-the games "Mario Kart: Double Dash" and "Burnout" and "The Simpsons: Hit and Run" and especially "WWE Day of Reckoning 2" for the Nintendo Gamecube

-a Wii (and the Marvel game for me and the Monkey Ball game for Emerald)

-iTunes gift certificates (LOTS)

-the new Beatles "Love" cd

-Eddie Guerrero (R.I.P.) merchandise (especially the kick ass armband)

Saturday, December 2, 2006

Random Galindo Family Whatnots ...

-Emerald is the smartest girl in her class. And I don't say that as your typical gloating parent, either. She is literally the smartest and most attentive and well behaved kindergartener in her whole class. That's straight from her teacher's mouth, too, so its not just in our heads. Em is at the head of her class. That is mainly due to the fact that while she's doing math problems and writing love letters to us, the rest of the ghetto ass kids in her class can barely spell their own names. Another reason she's so ahead of the curve is because she's well behaved. Emerald will be sitting quietly and paying attention and meanwhile Kayneisha is yelling and throwing stuff. Seriously.


All the kids in her class gets daily progress report grades where a GD is a good day. You either get a GD or you get one of ten worse grades for not sitting down or yelling or throwing stuff. Emerald has gotten one "sitting up in class" and the rest GDs. The teacher, who loves to rant and rave about how great she is, regularly tells the rest of the class that Emerald is the only one in class who pays attention. I am regularly proud of her and can't stop telling her how much I love her. I am honored to be her daddy.


-Last night at around 8:00 pm Emerald challenged GWA champion Sexxxy Natasha Galindo right before bed. It was an intense two minute long bedroom match but when all was said and done the champion successfully defended her title. Emerald cried and we had to teach her that you don't always win. What a heartbreaking lesson to teach to a four year old.


-I have a top secret white man persona that only about three people in the world know about, myself included. His name is Steve Schmoekle. He's middle aged, white, with wavy short hair and perfect teeth. He has a chiseled jaw and his eyes have perfect vision. He has three kids that are now teenagers and preteens and they all hate his guts. He's in insurance and he plays golf. He's thinking of getting a motorcycle and a leather jacket. He uses white people phrases like "Alrighty then" and "Good buddy" and "Ten-four." He reads salesman books like "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and "Who Moved My Cheese." He cares about unimportant things like driving routes and where to buy a good suit. He owns his own golf clubs. He owns many ties. He doesn't give a second thought about George Bush or politics or global warming because he's Steve Schmoekle and he doesn't care about anyone else but himself.


It's comforting for me, to slip into my careless white guy persona and see what the world's like when you're not aware of the world's problems. Natasha absolutely hates it when I slip into Steve Schmoekle. I use him a lot at work, though, when some fat white middle aged bitch comes into my kids section and I have to greet her. I find myself subconsciously switching to Steve Schmoekle and his deep, professional voice and perfect posture. I use him in the hopes that my white businessman voice will calm customer's fears of my brown male self. I know that's bad. I've been trying to rid myself of Steve Schmoekle and just be MYSELF with customers at work. It's an uphill battle but I've been doing good so far.


And yes, I know that makes me sound like I'm crazy.


-Went and drank at Gwen's house a few nights ago. The first night Natasha played the Wii and kicked ass at Wii Sports. She's a natural. Plus it's great to watch Natasha giggle as she moves around with the wii-mote. I actually didn't play because I felt extremely intimidated by it and its motion sensor. But the next day we hand lunch and hung out some more and I beat Natasha once at tennis and once at bowling. The Wii is totally f-in awesome and if I had money I would totally buy the hell out of it.


-I went to the doctor's yesterday. There are a lot of things wrong with me like my breathing and my stomach and my headaches and my chest pains and my blinding white headaches. I was hoping they could fix me and most importantly I was wishing that finally a doctor would take me seriously. Which they did. VERY seriously. They gave me an EKG which I passed. They also set me up to take a few chest x-rays tomorrow. I also have to take a multitude of tests within the next four weeks which include but are not limited to getting blood taken, taking a piss test, and saving my own poop so I can swab it and have it tested. Which I've done before. Which is the complete opposite of fun. Humiliating is the word for it. So my docs have a few theories as to what's wrong with me. It might be some serious chest problems but that's a long shot. It's probably either intense stomach problems or it might be the beginnings of a few ulcers or it might be lung problems. Or it might be all of them. Or it might just be stress and anxiety and depression, which I have, especially come christmastime.


So now I'm on two different kids of inhalers, one that comes in powder form that I'm incredibly afraid of using. I'm also on this special nasal inhaler and pills for my stomach pains and ... (drum roll) ... ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION! Yup, Reverend Steve is on pills! Super duper knockout happy pills! I was having another chest pain thing at work this morning and took one. WELLLLL about a half hour later, having eaten nothing and having never taken the happy pill before, I found myself tripping balls, sweating, acting extremely cracked out and somehow being able to see through time and space. Yeah. Steve has happy pills. Hell yeah!


Me and Natasha and Marisa are now a gang called THE HAPPY PILL POSSE. You try and mess with us and we'll think about kicking your ass and then just take a few pills and just forget about every damn thing that worries us. How awesome is that?

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Winner ... And NEW GWA Champion ...

... last night GWA champion Emerald Galindo went to bed tired and pouty, whining and crabby all the way to the bed. Sexxxy Wife Natasha Galindo, sensing her opportunity, challenged Emerald for the belt and, after a two minute long 7:45 pm hardcore bedroom match, was able to get a clean three count and a win!


Sexxxy Wife Natasha Galindo is NOW our GWA Heavyweight Champion!


As for Reverend Steve Galindo? Aw, he is just biding his time, waiting for his moment to strike. He could have been the third, second, even the first GWA champion if he really wanted to. But he's just standing in the sidelines, whistling and waiting for the perfect moment to snatch what is rightfully his and that is this ...




... and I will wear that sumbitch to WORK with god damn PRIDE when that day finally comes. And that day WILL come.


One day.

A List Of The Horrible Things That Happened On April 2nd, 2006 ...



-young child no more than four pulls down her pants and IN BROAD DAYLIGHT pees right in the archway at the front of the store (!!!) and, make matters worse, the intensely cracked out mom yells at her and spanks THE LIVING SHEEEEE-IT out of her, a massive slap heard 'round the world straight on naked ass that makes you suddenly feel really bad for the ass that accepted that John MacEnroe-sized tremendous tennis backhand

-an old man yells and throws his purchase down on the floor in anger that we had more books on the Vietnam war than on the Korean war

-a woman with a list of well over 40 black authors wants each author looked up, then wants every book written by the author looked up, THEN wants to see if there's an audio book for each book that author wrote, then PLAYS THE RACE CARD when we don't have it and/or it doesn't exist

-a black woman, who can't get cash back for her receipt-less book return, refuses to take a store credit and starts yelling, calling our manager Nicolas (a cuban man) a dirty racist

-a teacher comes into the children's section and, seeing no employee waiting there on pins and needles to help his soulless middle aged yuppie male bastard ass, gets on the STORE OVERHEAD (!!!!!) and announces over the overhead (!!!!!) that he needs help in the kids section

-a teacher gets angry over our lack of books about dolphins for children (apparently seven books about dolphins isn't enought for this bitch)

-two middle aged white women loudly looking for sudoku books, I walk up to them and ask them if they need help finding anything, they look at me with revulsion and say "Uh, NO!" and walk away but no more than ten seconds later they track down cute skinny white little Lisa Corbin and ask HER where the sudoku books are, adding "We couldn't find ANY help AT ALL"

-a customer gets angry over our "hot moving" (I.E. black book) section

-a neverending series of massively sized mexican families come in and repeatedly destroy the entire kids section

-a woman asks for books on San Francisco hotels and their phone numbers and when I can't find anything she goes into a massive panic fit, explaining how her stalker ex-boyfriend with powerful "connections" must have come in to our store, STOLEN all of our books on San Francisco, and then CHANGED our computers to make it "seem" as if we don't HAVE any books that lists phone numbers of hotels so that she wouldn't LEAVE Sacramento - and THEN she didn't want to talk to a manager, choosing instead to talk to ME for a half hour because, as she put it, "Well, how do I know he hasn't GOTTEN to them?"

-I rip my favorite pair of pants (the shiny stripey ones that look like I stole them from the cast of "Guys and Dolls")

-a big buff crazy guy with an insane amount of prison tattoos all over his body comes in and sits for a few hours on our comfy chairs and talks loudly about Jesus to everyone/no one

-a super smug guy with a turtleneck gives everybody attitude


(NOTE: space limitations on the piece of paper that I was using at the time did not allow me to continue with this list)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Problems Of The Skinny Brown Male ...

... everybody who comes in to my children's department needs help.


They just don't want help from me.


I have a few strikes against me. First off, I'm a male. Secondly, I'm a mexican male. Most people in charge of the children's department are women. White women. Middle aged white women. I'm a man, however, so I run into problems because of that. It boils down to women being seen as peaceful earth mothers and men being seen as perverts.


Women just don't trust me in kids. At least once a day now I ask someone for help and get a no thank you, but then that person tracks down Sadie or Julia or Megan and ask THEM the question they didn't have the balls to ask the skinny brown male. And, to add insult to injury, the person they DO eventually ask usually has do idea where the thing is and asks ME, leaving me with the person who didn't want the wetback with the penis to help them. This happens ALL THE TIME!


I'm getting bitter and angry. I know I shouldn't be.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Let's Break Copyright Laws, Pirate Style ...

... I've said it before and I'll say it again: the website Daily Motion.com is just like YouTube but with less annoying LOL teeny bopper chicks, more foreigners, and a shitload more unchecked copyright infringement.


And right here is a PRIME example, an entire full length feature film "name withheld" that now I present to you here right now absolutely free. Now don't say that Reverend Steve never does anything for ya, bitches!


Here you go ...


PART ONE:




PART TWO:




Here's a TIP: press play, wait for it to start, and then let it play for a while. Let it build up, get a drink, jerk off, whatever. Then come back and watch Saint Depp tear shit up with me. Trust me, the small size is to make up for the bad resolution. Trust me. This is the FULL movie!


Goddamn I'm fucking awesome.

Perseusphong (???) ...

... that's the only thing I understand in this whole video, the words PERSEUSPHONG during the credits. So I'm calling this video Perseusphong. I have no idea what it is or what it means but it's the funniest damn thing I've seen in a long ass time. I love the balcony deaths near the end and don't forget the frightening end credits.


Check it out ...




... and here's another video from the same people. This one somehow has something to do with a meteor game show, poop and nudity. Here you go ...



Saturday, November 25, 2006

We Have A NEW GWA Champion ...

... tonight Emerald Galindo challenged two day champion Isabela "Lugosi" Galindo for the GWA championship title. In a heated five minute battle, Emerald gained a three count and a decisive win, making almost five-year-old Emerald the second ever Galindo Wrestling Association Champion!


After her amazing win, Emerald was challenged by both Reverend Steve AND, after his loss, Angry Natasha. Amazingly, Emerald was able to score pinfalls over both opponents, keeping her title belt.


Angered over their loss, Steve and Natasha have vowed revenge on the champ and they both plan on "practicing" all night to "get in shape" for their next challenge.

A Poetry Slam About My Wife ...

A poetry slam, written today in the break room, about my wife and her most noble assets, as performed by a smooth talking pimp.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The GWA Will Change The Face Of Wrestling ...



... THIS is the Galindo Wrestling Association championship belt, being modeled by one of our talented young wrestlers.


The Galindo Wrestling Association started today on Thanksgiving. Our current GWA Champion is little fourteen month old Isabela "Lugosi" Galindo. Although she seems like an underdog, already today she has made Emerald tap out and has pinned Natasha on the couch, so she is definitely a fighting champion. Like JBL.


Here are the GWA rules ...


- a match can happen 24/7 and anybody can challenge the champion for the belt at any time. HOWEVER if you challenge and LOSE then you cannot challenge the champ again for another 24 hours.


- currently only people who RESIDE in the Galindo house are able to compete. Sorry. Eventually, however, the federation will be opened up slowly to include others, allowing the belt to travel to different houses and different champions.


- our current roster includes: Reverend Steve, Sexxxy Wife Natasha, Angry Emerald, Little Isabela Lugosi and Junkyard Joanna. In the next month our roster will be opened up to include Deinna Disaster and Manager Marisa, among others.


- I fully realize that this is going to lead to some intense physical fights between my wife and myself. I also realize that this will lead to some of the nastiest sex we'll ever have, so that totally makes up for it.


- there are actual dreams that we've talked about to one day include the ENTIRE bookstore into the GWA. But that's looking too far ahead for my taste. Besides, if Kevin wins it, who would dare challenge him? That would be gross.


- hardcore rules apply. Win by either pinfall or submission.




The GWA is ON, people! I'm excited as hell. This is like the GVWA only totally real! A match can happen anywhere! At any time! And me and my wife and all my kids, we're all so INTO this! We're all so excited!


Man, this is going to be sooooo awesome!