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Thursday, March 30, 2006
... I have never been happier in my entire life. Right now, these moments that are happening as we speak, as I type this, these mornings I wake up and screw around on the computer and update my blog and work on my iPod while Emerald watches PBS and Isabela plays on her little walker, the sounds of Beatles and MF Doom colliding with the sounds of Clifford's Puppy Days and Bela's happy cries. These mornings are filled with happiness I have never felt before, this undeniable sense that everything in the world is good and everyone else that doesn't live under this house should be able to share in this feeling I have. I feel like my heart is going to explode with love. And then I think back at who I was five or six years ago. I've really gone far. Six years ago I was in Arizona, depressed as hell and drunk off my ass. There were good times like my Kendra, my amazingly beautiful Phoenix crush who I misslike crazy. There were a few small little good times with my ex, like the time we took the bus to the zoo, spent the day there, had sex by the monkey island. And then there was my Bennigan's. And I mean MY Bennigan's. There was one right down the street from my bookstore job so after work we'd all walk down there, drink our asses off, and the bartenders, who all knew me as Reverend Steve, they'd comp me a lot and get me discounts on all the food and everything. We'd close the bar, then drive a few monutes away to the head bartender Steve-O's place and we'd smoke up and drink some more and listen to the Dead and just chat until three or four in the morning. Those were good times, partying every second. But all the drinking and smoking and partying was just a smoke screen to hide thae fact that I wasn't happy and didn't know what I wanted from life. It felt like a completely different me. To look at that Steve, then see who I am now, the guy who wakes up at seven in the morning to make breakfast and turn on the cartoons, I almost start to cry. Natasha, my wife, is amazing. The best thing about being married is that you don't have to try anymore to get a date or confront a girl at work you like or feel uncomfortable around some new girl you like. That's all behind you because when you get home there's an amazing woman there waiting for you. It's awesome. I love being married and I love being a daddy. Being a father is different from being a daddy, though, and although I have experience being Emerald's daddy since she was one year old, I've never been a father before now. It's tough. It's difficult. And it can be really heartbreaking as well but I'm finally starting to get comfortable with the father part of that. And then, every night, I get to cuddle up next to an amazing woman and talk and laugh until I finally fall alseep. I am happy. And being happy is amazing. I wish that everybody could be happy like I am.