... yup, I, Reverend Steve, creator of my own goddamn religion, I ate my own words, man, saying all that stuff about how I feel really sorry for all those Jesus-lovers sloshing their asses to church last sunday, praising the almighty heavenly white guy in the middle of a piss poor Sacramento rainy day.
Well, guess what pagan cult leader ended up going to church last sunday? And when I say church, I mean CHURCH church.
Seriously. Me, right here. Yeah, I went to church. I didn't know I was going to church. I wish I had KNOWN I was going to church. But Deinna, Emerald's cousin, was doing a little play at her church and the next thing I know i'm smack dab in the middle of a bunch of godlings.
Same thing happened last x-mas. Deinna had a play and there I am being dragged into a church. The last time before x-mas that I had gone into a church was when my old friend Chris and I went to Saint Simon for midnight mass on x-mas 2001. That was a long ass time ago, back in my Phoenix days. Chris and I had both NOT gone into a church for so long that we had a few beers in the parking lot to calm us down. And inside, we sat next to my old catholic school friend Greg Kaczynski. Last time I saw him before he moved to Hell Angeles and I moved to RedNeck-amento.
A few things about me and church ... it ALWAYS rains when I go back to church. And, as these last two times have proven to me, my tattoo ALWAYS starts to itch. Spoooky, huh?
Natasha and I have talked about putting Emerald into a Christian school. I think Natasha was suprised at how quickly I said yes. I enrolled in a private catholic school and it made me into a polite, sheltered nerd who stayed far, far away from drugs and sex and drinking until I was finishing high school. It made me who I am today, an asshole who still has that tint of private school innocence. Hell yeah I'm down with Em going to private school. FUCK yeah, bitches!
Open house will be a fucking trip, though.
While I was sitting there in church and trying not to laugh, my mind started wandering. I do my best mind wandering in church. Always have. And I thought of Kill Bill, Volume I which featured an asian character who was jokingly called Charlie Brown. This led me to think about another movie that came out that year, Lost in Translation, which featured yet another asian character whose nickname was, yes, Charlie Brown.
Ladies and gentlemen, Steve's brand new racial stereotype ...
"Asian people are way too obsessed with Charlie Brown!"
So the next time that you're driving in your car and you almost get hit by some asian lady (ink-chay) yell at her to put down the fucking Peanuts collection and open her goddamn eyes.
Call her Lucy, too. Or Peppermint Patty.
This is totally fucking awesome, just to let you know.