NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Story of the Burning Crow Book ...

... so I've been watching a a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3,000 on YouTube lately, staying up late with my wife and I both cuddling on the couch with the monitor turned towards us as we hold each other and watch "EEGAH" or some shorts, and it's really been awesome. Seeing all this Mystery Science, it really brings me back to 1996 and '97, back in the day when MST3K pretty much ran the life of any young person such as myself. Hell, I was an extra in the movie Jerry Maguire but my brother and I actually skipped out of the set early so that we could watch the midnight showing of MST3K on UHF. That's how much that show meant to me and my brother and pretty much everybody I knew at the time.


That show was king.




But MST3K, as great a show as it may be, also led to one of the largest and most painful Galindo family wars in recent memory, a million times worse than the one that presently led my parents to buy my brother a car for my 29th birthday. It is a month long period of civil war that is now know as the Burning Crow War. Well ... it's known as the Burning Crow war because I just decided to called it that because I think it sounds kinda awesome, so I guess it's now called the Burning Crow War. And it was a very dark time in the long history of pointless Galindo family wars.


My brother and I got tickets to a preview of the Mystert Science Theater movie. I got the tickets through the newspaper I was working at, but at the last second Joe couldn't go so I went with his girlfriend Heather. What we didn't know was that the guy that played Crow was going to be there signing autographs. Joe DEMANDED that I get him to autograph one of his video tapes of the show, so I brought the video with me and after the movie and the Q & A I indeed got his autograph as per Joe's request.


I wanted an autograph, too, but, not having any tapes I tried to get him to sign the only thing I had on me - an old business card. He held the thing in his hand, looked at it like it was a baby deer on fire, and asked what the hell that was. I told him I had nothing else for him to autograph and, being the awesome man he is, he snapped his finger (he didn't ACTUALLY snap his finger - that's me romanticizing the story a bit) and his publicist appeared out of nowhere with an absolutely FREE copy of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide" autographed "To Steve, Nice Business Card!" And that's how I accidentally got a free autographed copy of the MST3K book. Pretty awesome.


This is when things turned into a very strange, very pathetic Shakespeare play. Joe felt that I had betrayed him by giving him the little autograph on his video and CHEATING my way into getting a free book. He said that when they handed me the free book that I should have made him autograph it to Joe and not to me. Joe, yelling at me, screaming at me, calling me a Judas, actually threw a video tape at my head in anger. He then disavowed me being his brother and decided that he was never going to talk to me ever again.


This went on for a month, an entire fucking MONTH of P.M.S. crybaby Joe getting angry at me, cussing me out, calling me a Judas, getting drunk and throwing various objects at my head.


Then, in a move that was incredibly dramatic but in retrospect stupid as all hell, I had a few white russians, smoked a cigar or two and decided, as a big fucking nail in Joe's coffin, I decided to walk out into a cold Phoenix night and, right on the rocks on our front lawn, set fire to that stupid fucking book as Joe was coming home from the bar. I was so pissed off at Joe being a crybaby and treating me like shit. I was sick of being cussed at and having things thrown at me. So, not really giving a shit about an autograph from a funny guy with his right hand up a robot's ass, I walked onto our lawn and set that fucker aflame.


Joe walked right passed me, quietly, drunkenly mumbling "I don't give a fuck. Whatever, Stevie." And when he went inside I lit a cigarette off of the flames of the Burning Crow book.


My actions that night quickly ended the war and yes I have a penchant for the over-dramatics (as anyone I know can attest to) but I was stupid for doing something like that to my OWN property just to shut up my crybaby older brother. And still to this day about nine years later everytime I watch MST3K I wish that I still had that stupid fucking book, that I hadn't torched it, that I had just told my brother to go fuck himself and not set fire to something that was so awesome.


I just recently got sent to me a totally free copy of the newly restored colorized "Plan 9 from Outer Space" autographed by Mike Nelson. And that made me smile a small shit-eating grin that said that in a way, somehow, in the long run, I think I've won. Somehow I won.


That was the Burning Crow was, one of about three hundred wars that have gone on in the Galindo family. There have been other wars a million times worse and a million times longer than that one. But none of them saw me burning my own property just to subconsciously kick my brother in the balls.


Here's part one of Eegah, hands down one of the five best episodes of MST3K they ever made. It's about 45 minutes long and takes a long time to load so go get a beer, make some popcorn, download some internet porn, and come back in about fifteen minutes. It will be here waiting for you, courtesy of Reverend Steve ...


No comments: