NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Jesus told me to tell you to rock the beads ...

--- Mary Bellers wrote:

> Hi,Reverend
> Thanks for creating time to listen to
> my problem...
> Before telling you my problem i'll like to tell you little about myself..I'm Mary Bellers by name and the only child of my parents.I was given birth to 26years ago..I lost my parents while i was 7yrs in an auto accident..It was an uncle from the UK
that came for me and took proper care of me..I live and study in the UK..I went to DMU(Demontfort University)Leceister city,Bedford for my graduate degree,i studied business administration and graduated as a business administrator last year..Let
me tell you about my love life.. My uncle never wants me to date any of the guyz in the Uk while i was in school,he's a strict uncle and says that they will endup jilting me and he never want me to get hurt by anybody..Few months after my graduation i was unable to secure a job for myself..I later got a job as a college teacher though the salary is nothing to write home about but what since there's no option i have to do it.I lost my uncle last year
and everything changed..
Its was a painful death because he's all i had..Before his death i have a man i'm chatting with online and he's from africa..He told me about africa and there resources...I asked him about the business and he told me that African Modelling materials is the best thing to sell now..I was interested but no money to start the business but after the death of my uncle and i was given some money that my uncle left behind after his death..I decided to trade with the money with the little money i had on me...I decided to start a business on my own by importing African Modelling matterials from african countries to europe for sales..I told the african friend and
he agreed to assist me on it since its my first time..
I bought an allround ticket due to the business i'm about to start..I left UK for nigeria late last year with all the money i've gathered to start the business..When i got to the nigerian airport i met the man i came to meet at the airport waiting for my arrival..We decided to lodge in an hotel throughout the period of our transactions,so we board a taxi from the airport taking us to the nearest hotel...Hun few miles away from the airport we had an accident which claimed the life of the driver immediately..We were rushed to the nearest hospital and the hospital management requested for a deposit before treatment could commence on us..My partner helped with $400 each and they commence treatment. It was about later that i discovered that my partner was unable to survive the accident...I'm getting better now and the management are requesting for the balance of the bill my partner paid for me..I was left with the management's laptop as a means of communication and i'm being charged for it.I've really tried but i have no one to beckon on for help..And without paying the bill i can't leave here because the management is with my travelling documents..And i have no money on me..
I just decided to tell you this maybe you can help me because you're the only one i have and wish to be with you because you really sound caring and nice to me,i'll be glad to have you and spend the rest of my life with you after helping me outta here with the balance of the bill because i need a man like you and won't mind relocating if you'll allow me to come to you. The total of the bill is $900,my ex-partner helped me with $400 with a balance of $500..So what is delaying me here and keeping me from being with the man of my dream is $500..I'm promising and assuring you that you won't regret helping me outta here.To contact the hospital management..There e-mail address is crystal_hospital2000@yahoo.com and phone number is 2348050244002. And the name of the doctor is Dr Tosin Seweje.It took me time to tell you this and please don't disappoint me..I'll be waiting for your reply..Bye
> Mary Bellers


Here, in its entirety, is my reply ...


Dearest Mary,
I have prayed long and hard about your plight.
I suggest selling beads on ebay.
Jesus told me that this was the divine path to take.
Don't question His logic lest you be cast in the fires.
By the way, how many times have you seen The Passion?
I've seen it three hundred times.
You haven't read Da Vinci Code, have you?
God hates the Da Vinci Code and its heathen lies.
He also hates gays and abortioners and jews.
Anyhoo, Jesus told me to tell you to rock the beads. So I'd get on that, lest he smote yon ass.
I'd send you money but Jesus says you're a whore.
He also says you probably don't exist.
Hey, don't get angry with me.
Take it up with Jesus.
So, bless this and praise something and all that.

The Blessed Reverend Steve.

1 comment:

dr. gonzo said...

Worst scam ever, I'd say. Tug the heart strings, do these people ever learn?