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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Viva Schornack (T-Shirt Now Available) ...


... about 40% of the news anchors you see on Sacramento television news have come from Phoenix, Arizona. And it is creepy as fuck. One of those people was Mister Dale Schornack.


My parents would talk to me over the phone freaking out about how all the news people used to be from Arizona but I would just laugh at them and chalk it up to crazy parents talk. But when I moved here, damned if I didn't see Dale Schornack and begin to agree with my parents. He used to work the weekends on channel 64 news. He had this demeanor that screamed tired but upbeat middle ages serious white businessman but with a funny side. I loved Dale Schornack in Phoenix and despite the creepy "Island of Misfit Phoenix News Anchors" vibe in Sacramento, I really liked the fact that the Schornack was in Sacramento now.


I'm all about the Schornack.


Here's where it gets funny.


They were doing a bland, shitty, nothing new "investigative" report on myspace, which is as relevant as doing an "Investigative" report on teens going to "raves" and doing this new street drug called "extasy." I would have changed the channel after Boston Legal but the baby was asleep on my chest and I had lost the remote.


Well, the general thesis of the stupid piece was that teens are using myspace to get drunk and have sex and find drugs. And during it, they showed all these pages from myspace with faces blurred out and all that. There were only two faces that weren't blurred out and one of them was my work friend Megan, one of the most loving, caring, innocent people I know.


So now, in my mind, although I know for a fact that she is happy and peaceful and altogether lightheartedly cool, Megan is a drugged out crackwhore who fucks anything that walks.


Why, you might ask?


Because Dale fucking Schornack told me so. That's fucking why.


I trust News Channel Ten more than I do Megan. Sorry, Megan, but it's the truth. I'm shooting here. I trust my heart in Schornack. He's never let me down before.


I love Megan and all, and any woman who has a frighteningly intense knowledge of professional wrestling is a woman that I want to rub up against, but when was the last time that Megan gave me traffic updates or told me the latest American Idol news? Huh? NEVER! That's when. And Dale fucking Schornack does that shit every day.


So, I made a t-shirt about it.

And you can but it right here.


And here are two other shirts I've recently made available to buy ... there's the unappreciated at work t-shirt and there's the jet black Ed Wood 3:16 shirt a la "Stone Cold" in 1997.


And, as always, there's our best seller, the cheap ass Ed Wood savior t-shirt, nice and simple and cheap ass hell.


If you've got some spare change lying around your modest bungalow in the hills, help a brother out and buy a shirt or two. All the proceeds will once again be going directly into the "Steve Galindo Wants to Afford KFC Sometime Before He Dies" fund.

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