It's a difficult decision to make, but I make my decision every day as I make my mind-numbing 25-50 minute commute to work. It's a decision that every day HAS to be made. I don't like having to, but I know I have to.
Now, for the longest time, this decision of mine was a well duh! question for me to make. Of course I don't want to leave my friends, my happy work family and my cute work crushes and my storytimes and clubs and all the kids who know me as MISTER Steve and I would drive to work with a spring in my step and a smile across my big brown face.
- every day I'm forced to do two or three days worth of work in just one day and all by myself because my employees are too busy doing everyone else's job
- when the numbers for my department are for the first time in two years down because nothing's getting done and no one's hardly ever in my section to sell anything
- when I have storytimes that are loud and crazy and funny and awesome that bring in 40 kids and 30 adults packing the department shoulder-to-shoulder and the management in the store doesn't thank me or recognize my hard work or even seem to give a fuck
- when, despite my section's years and years of success and high numbers, my section is the first to get cut and the last to receive any help
- when my family hardly has any money to buy fucking food
- when I'm battling creditors off every goddamn day
... that's when I have a harder and harder time making my decision every morning. It hurts me so much that I cry. And I'm not joking, either. I cry.
I don't want to quit. I might seem a bit quiet and sullen and eccentric at work sometimes but I don't know what I'd do if I didn't see Marisa in receiving and Julia looking all hot and cute and all the other people that I might not talk to too much but nevertheless I feel are members of my family. I love my fucking job. It's obviously love it, seeing as how I've sacrificed so much to stay working there. But I'm being used and abused, working the job of three people while not getting paid enough for my family to stop struggling.
This is an honest, open post. It is me not caring what I say just as long as I say the entire truth directly from the heart. It is what is in the wrestling world known as a SHOOT. It might upset some people, but it's the Ed Wood-honest truth.
God I want to get stoned. I haven't done that stuff in a lo-o-o-o-ong ass time. It both frightens and disgusts me. It's always been a sort of high school drug to me, something that was fun to do in your early twenties but something you eventually outgrow. I;'ve never felt like I WANTED to do it, though.