NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


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Monday, August 21, 2006

Another Massive Monday Post ...


"Wait a minute, America isn't the hot-dog eating champion? Well, how could you let that happen? This whole nation is stuffing its face! Can't one of us do it at record speed?"
- Hank Hill


Ladies and gentlemen, the first and last time I will ever quote King of the Hill in the entire existance of this got-damn blog!
(applause)


The first time I became aware of Kobayashi was during the Glutton Bowl, a two-hour IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) contest that aired on Fox in 2002. To see these massive fat men get bested by this skinny 24 year old little japanese guy, I remember jumping up and down cheering KOBAYASHI! In wrestling terms, I marked out for Kobayashi. That was in 2002. Now, in 2006, this skinny little jap has gone far. For starters, he's got his own web site, which is available in japanese and something claiming to be english. He's been on tv, on talk shows, on the radio, he's been making bank left and right, and all because he beats America's best fat people in being fat. Which is a discrace to America's fat people. Although I was once a fan of Kobe's, now I see him as a disgrace to all that is American.


Kobayashi, the six time consecutive champion of Nathan's Famous hot dog eating competition, must be taken down. He must be taken down by an American. And this year, at the legendary Nathan's competition, which really serves as the Super Bowl of competitive eating, an American came within inches of finally usurping the reign of Kobayashi.


(and his name is Chestnut)




Meet Joey Chestnut, a 22 year old Lance Armstrong-looking competitive eater from San Jose, California, who is currently ranked second in the world by the IFOCE. This year this young man came as close as anyone has ever come to unseating Kobe. This year at Nathan's, Chestnut ate 52 hot dogs and Kobayashi ate 53 and 3/4, a new record. Chestnut, a red blooded American, came one and three-fourths hot dogs away from finally bringing the title back to American soil.


Next year. Next year, my fine feathered friends. Next year will be forever known as the year ... of the Chestnut.
(the National Anthem plays in the background)


Now watch the Daily Show lose it ...




The Shoosher.
The damn Shoosher.
The GODDAMNED Shoosher.


I have a war now, a massive war, a holy war, a jihad if you will, and it is against that overweight craaaaazy white f-in Shoosher. I will not stand for this. I am out to kill, or at least maim. That's it! I have had it with these muthafuckin' shooshers in this muthafuckin' store! DEATH TO SHOOSHERS!


SO I was doing storytime this last sunday. Nothing too big, only about 13 or 16 kids. But they were really loud and really into it and, as always, I was getting the kids to interact with me and the story by talking and making animal noises and screaming and various whatever. Typical storytime, if a bit quieter than my usual storytime.


This fat lady comes up to the info desk and demands that the person working there, Nick, go into kids and make me be quieter. Nick, cool uncaring Nick, tells this female King Kong Bundy that not only is it storytime with kids and its usually loud and SUPPOSED to be loud ... but in my announcement on the overhead for storytime I ANNOUNCE that it IS GOING TO BE LOUD. Well the chick just gets even madder and storms off.


Later, she comes back.


"WELL ... have you TOLD him yet?!?"


Nick says no, reiterates everything he said before, so the lady GOES INTO KIDS and, standing near the entrance and the bargain octagon, does a full 45 seconds of "keep it down" sign language.


(oh yeah, that's a NECK massager, riiiiiiight)


SHE TRIED TO SHOOSH ME!
ME!!!


That bitch, I later learned, complained that she was offended by the music when it was the Beach Boys and totally trash talked Mary for not devoting her life to Christ. And last night she came in and acosted two little girls for using My Little Pony keyboards a bit too much. Then she made fun of me. She's been coming in every day and preaching Jesus and frightening away our customers. And I pray to GOD and WOOD and JESUS and BUDDHA and MOSES and any other deity that's available that The Shoosher is there tomorrow during storytime because whether or not she's there, tomorrow's storytime will be without a doubt the

LOUDEST
EVER!!!

because I will not be shooshed and I will ESPECIALLY not be shooshed by a crazy overweight friendless stinky nutball Shooshy McShoosherson.


This is WAR, people. You're either with us or AGAINST us! Viva la Galindista! Death to Shooshers!




Here's another full episode of South Park. Cartman does something UNFORGIVABLE and the boys ignore him which makes Cartman think that he's dead. Pretty awesome episode. Enjoy ...




Tonight on WWE Raw on the USA network Jeff Hardy, undisputedly the hotter one of the two young Hardy brothers, finally returns. I am incredibly excited about this. I haven't been too much into wrestling lately save the occasional viewing of ECW, but Jeff Hardy coming back is probably exactly what its going to take to get me back.


I better dust off my DDP shirt and make a big sign to wave.




Ahhhh, the majestic African Elephant!





Well, that's that. See you later. Death to Shooshers.

1 comment:

Mrs. McShoosherson said...

Shhhhhhh! You muthafuckin' Mexicans are too muthafuckin' LOUD!