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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My (cracked) Mid-Vacation Report Card ...



The list, written last saturday ...


1) get laid
2) make my kick ass smoothies
3) watch shitload of Maury's shocking paternity tests
4) Purchase and drink beer
5) throw Bela a kick ass birthday party
6) borrow my brother-in-law's copy of Ultimate Avengers 2
7) work on my rap album
8) finish entire Series of Unfortunate Events
9) wash car
10) hang out with Marisa


Now, lets go through this thang:


1) get laid
Yes, three times.


2) make my kick ass smoothies
First thing I did saturday night after work. I make the world's bestest smoothies. The greatest. I made my Super Duper Strawberry and Banana smoothies. Learned how to make kick ass smoothies from my dad. They're the best. On my last day the Kids Kraft Klub, the new club in kids that I had no part whatsoever in making, made smoothies. And I could have made my patented Super Duper Strawberry and Banana smoothies if they had asked me. Which they didn't. A lot of people try really hard to not talk to me.


3) watch shitload of Maury's shocking paternity tests
Monday was an awesome paternity test episode, really cool. The Maury Show is seriously the worst thing to ever happen to black people apart from slavery and the mid-eighties success of Kid 'n' Play. Yesterday was Medical Mysteries, aka hideous freaks and I am glad I missed it. Today was lie detector tests, which always becomes man-bashing. It was ok. Tomorrow, though, more shocking paternity tests revealed. Yay!


4) Purchase and drink beer
Are you kidding me? I'm broke as hell. My wife is doing daycare and will be paid by the state but the state won't pay her without her having a valid driver's license, which she can't get because she owes $$$ for a ticket, which she can't pay because she has no $$$ which is why she's doing daycare. Hideous cycle, see what I mean? We're fucked every which way but loose. It sucks. So we have no beer. What we do have is a) a small bottle of cheap sake, and B) a bottle of wine that my parents gave us as a housewarming present YEARS ago which we never opened because it has a cork and we don't have a cork opener thingy. But last night I got so desperate that I went at the cork with a long sharp knife for about 20 mins. until I finally opened the got-damn bottle. Sure it now has shards of cork in the bottle. And 1/3rd of the cork in it, too. But at least we have some wine now. Hey! Don't judge. When you're as poor as I am you need to take drastic measures.


5) throw Bela a kick ass birthday party
Hell yeah, bitches!


6) borrow my brother-in-law's copy of Ultimate Avengers 2
No. Randal is very stressed out and very hot tempered and very angry and very loud. He's like if my brother and Lance had an angry white baby together. He's nice when he's high but when he's not he's like a skinny angry tall Hurricane Katrina with a nasty ass suntan. I try to avoid him as best I can. Besides, I don't think he's watched it yet. Double besides, the dvd-slash-stereo system that my parents bought us for x-mas made quick work of breaking, so we're kinda dvd player-less right now. And we have no $$$ to get a new one, which brings us back to # 4.


7) work on my rap album
No. No time. I'm too stressed out to sing. Plus the mic that Jesse loaned me (or gave me?) has a problem with being too quiet. I'm trying to fix it but it is going to take a while. SIGH!


8) finish entire Series of Unfortunate Events
I am currently on page 125 of book 12, so I should have no problem. I say should in italics because my wife wants me to spend time with her and not read , so I try not to read when she's around. And lets not forget all the crazy kids that seem to be plaguing my house recently. Kida cramps the reading, you know? I was going to read today but my wife got it in her to clean and wanted my help, which I didn't mind. My house is crazy sometimes, which is why I seem to do most of my reading (which, when I'm working, translates to "ALL my reading") at work. But I'm trying. I should get it done. I hope. If I'm going to host a Series of Unfortunate Events party at my work next month then I want to be caught up ... which I just now realized means that I'm technically working ON MY VACATION!?!?! God. I'm wa-a-a-a-ay too good of an employee. I suck ass.


9) wash car
Are you kidding me? Hell no.


10) hang out with Marisa
Ok, here goes ... I am in love with Marisa. I really am. Marisa means the world to me. The way it goes with the women in my life is my wife and kids all tied for number one and Marisa right behind at number two. I love Marisa with all my heart. She is not only a wonderful woman and a great friend but as far as my heart is concerned she is more my family than my parents and my brother are and for that I will always love her with all my heart. That being said, we almost never see each other apart from work lately. But, hey, I'm burned out and broke and she's a burned out receiving manager now, so times are tough for the both of us. So, no on this last one, but I would LIKE to if I had gas. I just hope she knows I miss her.


That's my report card. Fairly good marks, I'd say. Not bad but not perfect, either. I still have a few days to work on it, though, so we'll see ...


Now on a completely random note ...


Oh man, Cracked magazine! Cracked magazine? Yeah! Cracked magazine, man, CRACKED magazine!!!


When I was growing up Cracked magazine used to be a poor man's Mad magazine. It was lowbrow children's gross out humor and bad spoofs. It was bad. Real bad. Well just recently Cracked has gone through a complete, impressive overhaul! What used to be poorly done kids comedy is now a hip twentysomething Onion-ish humor mag featuring writing by some of the greatest comedians ever ... Michael Ian Black, Mike Nelson, Neal fuckin' Pollack! It's awesome. it's like Maxim for humor and it's amazing. It's the greatest makeover I've ever not realized I've wanted to see!


I never thought I'd say this, but check out the all new Cracked magazine!


Time Travel Orientation

Horrible Rap Lyrics

Nostalgia for the Recent Past

80s Cartoons

Snakes on a Plane FAQ

Douchebag Poll

80s Movie Girlfriends

Jesus Rates Jesus Art

3 comments:

jessecoombs said...

7. Gave you. I don't know how to work it any better. Truth be told, it's probably not that great of a mic. But it's yours!

10. What's that photo from? How do I not have that? Curse you, Galindo!

Reverend Steve said...

7. Thank you for the mic. Any mic is better than no mic.

10.) It is from my own private Marisa archives.

Natasha said...

Wasn't she fucking hot? Yeah I kissed her that night too. Steve has a picture of the kiss also.
It was hot.
I would totally do her.