They make me want to skip!
So I've written this poem about my devotion to them
and how they make me want to flip.
Well, for starters, I really love pants.
I think that they are keen
and I even like to wear my pants
while admiring the films of Mr. Charlie Sheen.
Oh man how I love pants.
Don't think that it's a lie
and please don't take my pants away
because that would make me fart and cry.
GODDAMNIT how I LOVE my pants!
I think that they are swell!
And people who do not like pants
are heartless bastards who should rot in hell!
To reiterate, I DO love pants!
I think all pants are neat.
YOu don't need special pants if you were deaf
although that would be sweet.
I am in love with my pants, I am.
It's where my cock and buttcheeks rest.
Pants can kick all other clothing's asses
especially those faggy sweater vests.
YOu would never BELIEVE how much I love pants.
I think they are super-duper.
I was wearing them when the old guy from Sesame Street died,
I think his name was Mr. Hooper.
If it was legal I'd marry my pants
and give birth to little pants babies
although that might be an affront to god
and I think I might catch rabies.
There's this one guy at work and he HATES pants
and it makes me want to kick his ass.
He works in receiving and his name is Scott
and between you and me he looks like he smokes grass.
Since he hates pants Scott is my RIVAL!
I bet his balls smell like doggie doo-doo.
Not onley does he absolutely hate pants
but he liked the Cat in the Hat movie, too.
One day I will kill Scott in his sleep.
I will strangle him with a pair of jeans.
I will make it look like he had mental problems
and dress him up like a teenage prom queen.
How DARE anyone say they hate pants!
All those people deserve to be hit.
I will go 'rount hitting them all in the nuts
and then take my pants out for a banana split.
I run an awesome website called PANTSLOVE.NET
and I update it ever damn day.
I go on the message boards wand chat with fans
who like me love pants in every damn way.
There's also pantslove-slash-poetry
where I'll post this ode to my pants
and write scathing attacks of animals who can't
wear pants like ducks and beavers and ants
and all cats too and most all dogs
although I've seen a few who wear them
like this guy Tom who I went to college with
and his magical pants wearing shit-zu named Clem.
Scott, my rival, has a website too
and it's called PANTSHATERS.ORG
with pictures of famous people NOT WEARING pants
like Garfield the cat and The Borg.
It's a constant war between Scott and me
but one day pants lovers will WIN
and we'll rip off Scott's dick and slap him with it
because hating pants is a sin
and on that fateful day when I finally die
may I go up to heaven and see
Jesus H. Christ wearing really smart slacks
and we'll skip together,
Jesus and me.
(And Scott with be anally raped in hell.)