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Friday, October 27, 2006

Jack and Meg Go to An African Bank ...

There are many things that I have been trained not to bring up.

One of those things that I have been biting my tongue about recently has to do with an e-mail that Tasha's dad got a few months ago from a bank in Africa. It's funny. I've always wondered who believes those e-mails. Now I know. It's people like Natasha's dad.

Right now my father in law is participating in the world famous Nigerian Scam and despite my begging and pleading with him, it looks like he believes it is true and is going through with it.

Papah (pronounced Paaah-paw) got an e-mail from a bank in Africa saying that if he puts up a fee of a few thousand dollars that he would be entitled to about twelve million. Seriously! One of the oldest scams in the world! And he believes it! When I first heard about how serious he was taking it and how excited he was getting about suddenly becoming a millionare I laughed in his face and said "I get that stupiud ass e-mail like a few times a week."

Papaw was not amused.

See, the thing is, he says he "checked it out" and he "called the bank" and "talked with people from their government" and for all intensive purposes it apparently "looks completely authentic." I mean, the man works for H & R Block for shit's sake. I'd like to think that he would see if this was some sort of scam, right? Right?

I talked to Natasha's mom about it and I was waved off. She said "Don't talk to him about it. You just don't know Leon." I might not know about Leon but I know scams, for Christ's sake! Just this morning he was talking about the plans he had with that money, which included paying off everybody's cars including our van which I never get to use, and moving the family out of this dump.

I'd like to think it's true. I would. Natasha grilled me right now before she left with him to drop off some paperwork for getting the money and she asked me "Steve, what if he ACTUALLY gets the money?" And I wanted to answer that. I wanted to answer. But I know it's not true. It looks true. It sounds true. A tax representitive says that it's legit. It seems totally legit.

But I just know it's fucking bullshit.

Shit, do they even HAVE banks there? What do they deposit? Twigs and AIDS? Seriously!

I finished reading "TOO MANY HOT DOGS!" by Dave Webster earlier today. It was a gripping tale that I'd love to tell you about ...

The book, which jumps around time periods like Dr. Sam Beckett, is essentially about two rival hot dog makers, Alfred Borden and Rupert Angier. They have a rivalry over who can make the most hot dogs. Well, Borden created this machine called The New Transported Hot Dog that can instantaneously transform a hot dog from one place to the other. Well, Angier goes ballistic and travels the Colorado where he meets Nikola Tesla who creates a machine that can replicate hot dogs. Eventually something goes wrong and the machine produces a ghostly spectre hot dog that kills Borden.

It's an intense book that really gives you an inside look at the mystery surrounding processed meat products. Every fan of hot dogs should go right now to their nearest Tower Books and ask for "TOO MANY HOT DOGS!"

Oh, and there's also some bullshit filler plots about their great grandkids that I didn't give a rats ass about.

It was neat reading about Tesla in the book, though. I have been studying up (i.e. reading wikipedia and googling) on Nikola Tesla and he really was an amazing man, if for nothing else for being the inspiration for this awesome ass scene from Jim Jarmusch's only slightly pretentious 2003 black and white art comedy film Coffee and Cigarettes ...

Well, that's about it. Natasha is off with Papah right now trying to get blood from a stone with this african e-mail thing. Emerald's at school and Isabela, misaculously, somehow managed to fall asleep on a pile of toys. No idea how she could do that but apparently she did. She keeps surprising us every damn day.

I know I should clean the house now but I don't want to. This house is literally eight ways to shitsville and cleaning it up is like Sisyphus and his boulder. This is supposed to be my day off, you know? Shelving 30 boxes of Christmas books and doing a 30 kid storytime and covering customer service would be less work than cleaning this hideous house.

Anyhoo, here's some frr music for your punk ass, courtesy of the "get Coleridge Some Pants" fund ...

Home Movies: Don't Put Marbles In Your Nose

Tesla: Signs

Beastie Boys: Body Movin'

Beastie Boys: Something's Gotto Give

Amazing Transparent Man: Nothing Compares 2 U

Socialburn: Down

Marvin Gaye: Mercy Mercy Me

David Bowie: Heroes

Partyben: Wipeout Taffy

Lazyeye: High School Girl


jessecoombs said...

It is a scam, we all know this. You did your part and warned him. The only thing that will get that into his head will be him losing his money. I mean, if it was me, and I really truly believed it for some whacked reason, I'd get a lawyer who specializes in international law, and a good accountant. I mean, what's a few professional fees when you're going to be a millionare?

Try not to rub it in too much after he loses his money. He'll feel shitty enough, methinks.

Reverend Steve said...

Thanks for the "try not to rub it in" tip.

I'lll totally remember that.