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Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Horny Duck and a Smoking Bird Try To Fuck The Cookie Lady ...

... I just finished watching The Three Caballeros, one of the biggest Disney-sanctioned mindfucks ever created.


Ever!


If you thought they were fucked up ending Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a trip to the deepest pits of hell, then you never saw two spicks fighting to the death over a woman and then suddenly turn into roosters cockfighting.


Seriously. This movie is a total fucking head trip.


If you've never seen this rare and thuroughly bizarre Disney gem, then here's the Idiot's Guide to Disney's The Three Caballeros ...


... it's a 1947 animated feature in which a horny duck, a cigar-smoking con man and a heavily armed rooster who enjoys shooting at civilians meet and spread the joys and wonders of latin america by engaging in midget-hating black magic and losing themselves in lengthy, nonsensical drug trips. Seriously.


I love The Three Caballeros. It's hard for me to find pride in the culture I grew up knowing jack shit about. The only two things that instil a sense of cultural pride in me is this cartoon and the movie Once Upon A Time In Mexico. It's a cartoon that I watched over and over again when I was a child and one that now I watch over and over again, all the while wondering how I could like it so much when I was a child. Kind of an animated catch-22.


But the best and most sexually suggestive part of the film is when they shrink themselves, the duck and the bird, and enter this magic pop-up book so they can visit the Brazilian city of Bahia, where they meet and get horny for a woman known as an Iaía, that is, a woman who walks the street selling cookies.


Now, here's where the sex stuff comes ...


This hot ass mexican woman is walking the streets at night selling her "cookies," singing her sexy song about "who wants to buy my cookies?" And as the horny duck and the cigar-smoking bird try to woo her, all these greasy, horny, lecherous latin guys start following, trying to impress her. She's basically asking them "Who wants to buy my cookies" and all the guys are saying "Hungry hungry hungry" and "Look at me," trying to impress her.


They all want to fuck this bitch!


And apparently what impressed the Iaía is musical ability because she seems to be temporarily wooed by a few super greasy guys who show proficiency in various instruments. In fact, the horny duck and the smoking bird even cook up a murder plot on one of the wooers that involves a giant hammer and a head, but that plan goes awry. Then giant musical instruments appear and suddenly they're all at this dance club dancing and having a good time. But two guys start to fight for the Iaía and, literally, their fight turns into a cockfight, the walls washed with blood, as all the sadistic brazilians look on and sing and dance.


Then the Iaía uses her magic (she's magic?) to turn inanimate objects into Disney characters. And then the book closes, killing everybody except the chain-smoking bird and Donald, who's obviously drunk and needs to be fuckin' slapped around..


That is !LITERALLY! what happens! AND THIS IS A DISNEY MOVIE!


Don't believe me? Watch for yourself ...




This movie fucking rocks!


My daughter Emerald is turning five next month and she's having a Disney dress up party. In order to come you need to dress up as a Disney character. I have narrowed my own selection down to:

Dumbo Nigger Crow


Shooting Wetback Rooster


or, my personal favorite and the one my wife says I can't be because it "doesn't count" (with finger quotes) ...


Touchstone Pictures' Ed Wood!


VOTE NOW on who YOU think I should be for Em's birthday celebration! Post a comment and let your voice be heard! Who should I dress up as? Vote now!

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