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Monday, December 18, 2006

The Magical Three Way Sickness ...

... there is without a doubt hands down the world's nastiest stomach virus making the rounds of my work right now. It hits like Rocky Balboa on fucking crack and it makes you feel like you're on your death bed. It's a Texas-sized stomach bug and it knocks even the toughest man on his candy ass. I don't know who had it first but Pam had it and Jim had it and he probably gave it to Joe who then gave it to Lance who sadly gave it to his poor young son and then his son gave it to Kyle who then gave it to Perry who probably gave it to ME for burning his ass in my blog a few days ago about him being a bargain book lover.


That's called karma and Carson Daily taught it to me.


I had it really bad for about two days. I cried for most of those two days. I pooped a record 20+ times in one single day. At the end of the day it was screaming red hot fire just to sit down, it was so bad. God I hurt so much. Never have I been sick and had it feel so much like death. I literally felt like I was going to die, I was so hot and dizzy and vomitous. It was how Louis must have felt in Interview with a Vampire when his body had to die in order to become a vampire. I don't reference that bitchwhore Anne Rice too often but that's the best analogy for the pain that this Bar-Nob stomach virus is.


I then gave it to my wife for like a night, which wasn't too bad for her.


Now BOTH Isabela and Emerald have it. At the exact same time.


And it's ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad.


Beck: Nausea


Isabela has vomited three times today. Each time it's been like curdled Natasha milk. And she has a fever which is so-o-o-o bad that she's actually being quiet and polite, not her usual CAR-ALARM A.D.D. ANGRY PISSED OFF SCREECHING HARPIE HELLBIRD self. And Emerald seemed fine at school but once she came home she just started vomiting all over the place. And now BOTH girls are sick, have a fever, vomiting, getting the runs like their daddy, and both of them (shudder) are crying.


How Natasha is going to take care of the BOTH of them tomorrow I do not know. But I love and admire and pitty her all at the same time. And I kiss her feet for loving her kids so much. I'd stay home but I wouldn't know the first thing about mothering these kids. And that's what they're going to need to get better - endless smothering-sized mothering.


So, let's get to the magical moment in questioned ... Emerald was on the couch after like her fourth vomit session. She was drinking water and watching Sifl and Olly and getting ready to pass out. Suddenly she gets up and slowly shuffles to the bathroom. She has to poop and pee. But then out of nowhere she suddenly has to vomit ... and, for a four year old girl who just last year learned self control of her bowels, that was just too much pressure for her fragile little body to handle.


So it all came out, ALL OF IT, three damn ways. A magical three way vomitpooppee.


I didn't even think that such a thing was humanly possible. Goddamn. She probably opened up some wormhole when she did that, some strange Captain Picardian wormhole. What's worse, if she had to sneeze too then she probably would have exploded.


God. I SO don't want to go to work tomorrow. I'm already feeling sick right now just by being here. I'm shaking. I'm nervous. My stomach is feeling queasy seeing all this vomiting and various other unmentionable acts. I don't know how hot I'll be tomorrow.


THIS IS PROBABLY NOT THE BEST TIME TO MENTION IT but official Captain Book t-shirts are available for sale NOW in both adult and youth sizes. I haven't gotten Kenton's approval yet but I'm not sure if I legally need to seeing as he's my creation. Besides, he's such an awesome sport these past few months with dressing up as all the characters at my storytimes that you just KNOW he's going to think it's totally awesome that he's a shirt.

1 comment:

Marisa said...

I am totally thinking about buying one, just so I can wear it in receiving in front of Kenton.