NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Friday, January 27, 2006

Isabela eating baby flesh (shocking pictures) ...


... here is a picture of four month old Isabela Galindo with Nikara's six month old massive monster of a child, big boy Nathaniel. This picture was taken mere seconds before Isabela became thirsty for human flesh and decided to eat Nathaniel's face off, a la George Romero. Look closely at Bela's face. That is the face of someone who, for unknown reasons, is starting to feel a bit peckish for human brains. Notice also how unaware of his own impending mortality Nathaniel is. He's humming to himself, staring blankly at nothing for no reason. Him being Nikara and Lance's baby, he's probably daydreaming about James Bond and a pack of Camel Lights. Also of note is how Nathaniel has googly eyes just like Cookie Monster. If only his skin was felt, then things would be right with the world.



"ME ISABELA! ME WANT BRAINS! ME EAT BABY FLE-E-E-ESH!"


Meanwhile, Nathaniel drives the Aston Martin of his dreams. He's like the lady in the stands of a Nascar event mere seconds before she's hit in the face by a tire travelling at 150 mph. Completely unaware that baby Hulk is about to be sporting a purple ripped onesie.

Some Baptismal Words of Wood ...



... I just recently, like a few seconds ago, got this thru my e-mail address. When you get baptized online into my religion, The Church of Ed Wood, you are asked to fill out an essay as long or as short as you want explaining why you want to become a legal Woodite. Here is an actual Woodian Essay from a man named Michael:


"I have been a devout Edward D. Wood Jr. follower for a
long, long time. I have seen every film available, and read every book,
mag, website, etc. devoting a chapter, a paragraph, anything to this
misunderstood and wonderful imp.
Wood's entire life, the best and worst of it, encapsulates an idea
which has been a prime motivator in my own life since childhood; Judge Not,
And Do Thy Best, Always.
Ed's Best was not good enough for some small minds, but was beyond the
reach of many, and for this he was mocked.
His life and work uplift, even as they amuse and entertain, because
they have MEANING.
Wood was a "hard-working human", to be sure, and even when life tossed
him to demons, he did his best, and smiled through tears and addiction.
He suffered, died, and was somehow resurrected, through the force and
spirit of his life's work.
He is alive, and His message lives eternally.
He gave us the demigods Tor, Bela (my patron saint!), Criswell, and so
many others.
We didn't give him the credit he so richly deserved while he traveled
this plane, but Woodism, and the kind and worthy actions of Woodism's
devotees, can praise and uplift Wood's legacy, and maybe make this place
a less judgmental, more welcoming sort of heaven.
Bless you for this site, and the message... and though I have always,
WILL always consider myself an Ed Wood Devotee, regardless of whether
this site or this religion exist... it is nice to think I have a chance
to be officially counted, among the True Faithful.
Random Rants = PULL THE STRING!!!!!!"


That is eternally awesome. And it restores my faith in my now almost ten year old religion. It shows me that I'm doing the right thing.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"WHAT MY 4-MONTH OLD SMELLS LIKE (and why I can't stop smelling her)" by Reverend Steve Galindo ...



... my four month old daughter Isabela, whom I constantly snort like crack, smells like the following things all rolled into one:


sweat

melted Otter Pops

feet

baby powder

Jolly Ranchers

sex

sour milk

bread

bananas

rubber bands

dust


... you put all of those together and its like CRACK! I can't stop smelling this baby. Its fucking awesome!


Anybody else want to smell my daughter?

Monday, January 16, 2006

Mashups, The Beastles, and more moving news ...

... this is the current state of the Galindo Family moving from Sacramento to Phoenix.


The other day we went over to Gwen's for dinner. She is doing so incredibly good. For a woman who, like so many other people around me, are going through marital trouble (and Gwen is currently winning in the "My Marriage Fucking Sucks" contest) Gwen has somehow found a way to smile and laugh and feel better. It's very inspirational.


Anyway, Natasha and I have done a lot of talking and crying and late nights discussing things with each other. And we had just come to a comfortable spot within ourselves where we both agreed that it would be in our best financial decision to move to Phoenix. We were moving. It HAD to be done. We were leaving.


Then Gwen gave us an opportunity that changed everything.


So are we leaving? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. If we do, it won't be until after my birthday, which is March 22nd, BTW. If I'm going to move, then we aren't going to move before a massive going away party, which we could also combine into a birthday party for yours truly. So by April or May of this year, we may or may not be leaving. Which would suck but it would be for the best. We will just have to wait and see.


And as for Gwen, it's kinda sorta personal. I'm not at liberty to discuss the details. But what Gwen is offering may change things completely and may help one of us get a much better, higher paying job. We'll have to wait and see.


I don't want to leave. I love Sacramento. But as much as I love Sacramento, it's not MY town. My town, my hometown, the one place where I will eternally feel comfortable at, is Phoenix, Glendale, downtown, Scottsdale, the freeways, the well lit streets, Peter Piper Pizza, Arizona State University, the streets of Tempe, Metrocenter and all of the suburbs and cities and towns in and around Phoenix. That is my home.


But I'm still not excited about moving. I would hate leaving the people in Sacramento, my strange new family. Then there are very special people in my life, people like Marisa, people that I can't see ever leaving. But I miss Phoenix. I miss the 115 degree heat. I miss streets without potholes. I miss Kendra, my warm, loving, caring, big tittied, pot smoking crush. I miss cool comic book stores. I miss the Phoenix Zoo. I miss Big Surf. I miss Phoenix. But I don't want to leave.


So we'll see.


Here's a shitload of new mashups for you, plus a link to the entire free Beastles album (Beastie Boys VS The Beatles) ...


Run DMC VS Tom Petty: "Free Adidas"


Modest Mouse VS 50 Cent: "Disco Mouse"


John Lennon VS Beck: "Give Losers a Chance"


Janes Addiction VS Beastie Boys VS Prince: "Been Caught Stealing Your Rump"


50 Cent VS Eric Clapton: "This is How We Do Cocaine"


Green Day VS Bangles: "Whatsername (Susanna Hoffs)"



MEET THE BEASTLES HERE! BEST MASHUP ALBUM OF 2005!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Glendale, Arizona and Hell ...

... there is a good chance, because its getting damn near impossible to live in California when the cost of living is so fucking high, that sometime in 2006 my wife and I might move our family to Glendale, Arizona. For good.


In other news, earlier this afternoon Hell froze over.


I don't want to be one of the millions of people who moved to California only to come running back with my tail between my legs. But we're poor here. We're happy and content and successful and poor. And now that I am married witha family I have to start caring about money. It's as simple as that. I don't want to move but we might have to.


So I am compiling a list of people who will be forced to come with us, tied up if needed be.


Here's a sneak peak for you. Marisa better start saving boxes.


More later ...

Monday, January 9, 2006

Marriage status for the Galindos ...

... I don't mean this as a joke or as an attack against any one person or peoples that I may know. I mean this very seriously ... I am incredibly nervous.


You see, there were a lot of couples that got together at around the same time that Natasha and I got together. And after Natasha and I got married, a quick but heartwarming civil ceremony (plans are under way for a massive Woodian wedding in May 2007) last year, there were a handful of couples that we know that also got married.


And all of those newly married couples seem to be breaking apart at the seams. Almost every day it seems that I keep hearing these incredibly sad stories of couples fighting and running off without saying where and arguing and yelling and going off drinking.


And not only does it weigh my heart down to hear these things. It also makes me nervous as fuck, me, the man with a three and a half month old daughter and a four year old daughter and a wife and a marriage that's almost a year old now. Me, Reverend Steve, been married for a year. Wow. That's amazing. But I'm feeling frightened for my own marriage after constantly seeing and hearing all of these heartbreaking tales of broken marriages.


So I thought I would update everyone on MY marriage status ...




My marriage is just fine. It was rough right after the baby was born. Natasha had postpartum depression and I was frightened and overwhelmed with being a father for the first time - there's a difference between being a daddy to Emerald and a FATHER to Isabela, a difference so big I had no idea. So there was some distance and tension between us for the last three months. And no sex at all. But now things are stabilizing. I'm more confident with Isabela and Natasha's feeling better and happier and less angry with every waking sun.


And we're finally back to having dirty, rough, sweaty, violent, nasty ass sex.


So, just to update everyone, regardless of how the rest of the world's married people seem to be feeling, Natasha and I are just fucking fine. You ask me and I'll tell you straight up, marriage is awesome!


Bye.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Reverend Steve: Sacramento's HOTTEST DJ (in an alternate dimension) ...

... so even without a computer I'm still heavily into mashups. It can be difficult to find mashups without a kazaa or some other file sharing system like that but a quick trip to PartyBen.com or Mashuptowm.com and you got yourself some sweet free mashups.


So I've got some three or four cds full of the mashups I've tripped over on the internet. Well I was driving my older brother Joe to the store as a favor and I was playing one of my mashup cds. Joe dug it and asked to borrow it so he could play it at work. Joe is a kareoke dj at the Maple Room, Sacramento's hippest smoke-filled dirtbar, a bar I used to frequent constantly and now other people seem to be frequenting it in my absence.


Anyhoo, Jow started playing the cd at the dirtbar and it received such a positive response that he then borrowed another cd of mine and started playing that one. Now Joe thinks he's this hot DJ. Joe's popularity at his job because of the mashups is huge, he's blowing up at his job and the customers are freaking out all over the place and all because of the mashups he plays ... that are MINE. Joe says that even though he plays mashups from midnight on, people will show up at the bar and wait JUST so that they can hear the mashups at the end of the night. He says that the response is HUGE and he's starting to generate this buzz for the music.


Which is mine.


I think I'm pissed off about that.


Well, here's some free mashups for you ...


Charlatans VS Jay-Z: "Stir Up Problems"


Nine Inch Nails VS Queens of the Stone Age: "Insane Medicated Hand"


White Stripes VS N.E.R.D.: "She Wants to Twist"


50 Cent VS Eric Clapton: "This Is How We Do Cocaine"


Green Day VS Bangles: "Whatsername (Susanna Hoffs)"


The White Stripes vs. Eric B & Rakim: "Pump Up the Doorbell"

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

My hungry, bratty, callless day off ...

... it's my day off. Natasha's at work. And I've been hanging out here next door all day. I know I should be cleaning up the house but it looks like shit and there's ants everywhere and we have absolutely no food save some ramen noodles and a buttload of cereal, which I can't eat for every meal like my wife does. So I've been here all day. Being at home will just make me depressed.


So I've been here with Isabela and Emerald and her cousin Deinna. But all Deinna and Emerald have been doing all day is argue. They've been fighting and hitting and screaming and bickering. I just put Isabela to sleep but she won't stay asleep for long with these two angry loud hyper diva brats laying waste to every eardrum within a five mile radius. It's driving me crazy, this being a dad thing. I don't like punishing people or getting angry or raising my voice or anything like that. But I have to. Days off like this, when I'm cleaning up the house and feeding Isabela and keeping Emerald in check, these days are ten times more stressfull than when I'm at work.


And I lost my phone a week ago. Natasha says I have to have to HAVE TO find it today but I've already looked for it everywhere three times. It's gone. That's how much of a mindless klutz space cadet I am. My phone is gone now, in some alternate universe with my last pair of keys.


God. I'm going to go home and try and clean up the damn place. Wish me luck.

Monday, January 2, 2006

Crying baby, jammin' Emerald and the hating of Reverend Steve (and some super cute pictures) ...

"The book of Revelation predicts that in the last days there will be a flood of blasphemy and sacrilege and mental filth - and you are doing your Hell-Bound part to make the Bible even more believable by doing all your miserable corpse can to help to fulfill it. But there's nothing wrong with you that a huge earthquake or at least a bone-crunching accident can't fix!"


... some guy named Dave MacPherson (his e-mail address BTW is dave@84535.com) sent me this, I'm assuming because of my Ed Wood religion. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. I once had a church group camp out in the children's section of my work and pray for my soul. That was nice of them. I've had so many people blindly rally against me and my religion that now it just rolls off my already wet back. Just thought I'd share this one, though. Of all the ignorant Jesus-suckers who ignorantly think that they are right and everyone else is wrong, I like Dave the most so far.


So anyways, I'm still here without a computer. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never getting it back from Marisa and her boyfriend. I might as well kiss the laptop goodbye and get used to using my stepmom's crappy little computer. Which I'm doing right now. It's raining like crazy out there right now. And being from Arizona, I am deeply afraid of driving in the rain. So these past few days, this past week, I've been a brown man in edge lately. It's been crazy, the wind and the flooding. It's like hell outside.


I've been extremely down lately. I don't know why. It's probably a million different reasons. The rain and the wind, our money problems, our shitty house that won't stay clean, our newborn's tears, my complete lack of sex, my subconscious self starvation. That and a million different things. I've just been down. And Isabela won't stop crying. She's been sleeping for about an hour now. I feel bad for being happy about that.


Here's some cute pictures of happy Bela ...








So x-mas has come and past. It always makes me sad. I remember being a child and getting so incredibly excited about waking up early and opening presents and all that. But now I have to sacrifice all that so that my own children can have that same feeling. But I still miss that feeling of childhood excitement that would come from x-mas. I can almost taste it but I can't anymore and that makes me sad. But now I have to be a dad and a father and give christmas to my daughters. And that has its own rewards and tastes. It's interesting. And fun in its own way.


Guess what my parents bought Emerald ...




Yeah. A fucking guitar. Can you believe that? I'm so stressed out over money and bills and work and a newborn and a million other little things that I've had this same headache for three weeks now. My back and shoulders and neck are popping like Jiffy Pop, for christ's sake. And what do my parents do? They get my four year old a loud as hell acoustic guitar. Those fuckers.




However, I gotta say, for a four year old spazmo little girl ... she's not that bad. Wood knows that if I was four and I got a guitar I would just be strumming the shit out of that thing trying to make the loudest orgasm of noise that I possibly could. That's what I would do. And that's not what Emerald does. And that's because of my older brother Jose, a genius with a guitar. When we go over to Joe's for holidays, Emerald watches Joe play. She sees how he strums the strings and hold the guitar and all that. She when Emerald is at home playing her new guitar, she tries to mimic Joe and carefully strums it, trying to make beautiful music.


And it IS beautiful. Unlistenable, yes, but also beautiful.


Two kick ass albums ... Let Go's happy-go-rocking self titled album and the Stubbs the Zombie soundtrack, featuring modern day artists doing faithful interpretations of fifties songs. Awesome stuff.


Laters.