NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Meet The Beastles ...


Boston's own djBC is one of the leaders of the world of mashups. His website USED to be filled with a plethora of his incredible music abilities but recently almost all of the songs have been pulled, including his magnum opus, two entire mashup albums of The Beastles. We're talking about near perfect mashups of the Beastie Boys and the Beatles. They were incredible albums, incredibly mixed and they were catchy as all hell. And now they're gone. And that's a damn shame, too, because the two Beastles albums ("dj BC presents The Beastles" and "Let It Beast") were the greatest examples of mashups I've ever listened to, a great collection of the music that made the Beastie Boys great without skimping on the Beatles.


So here you go, my very own best of collection of The Beastles. Call it what you will ... Meet the Beastles, A Hard Day's Beast, You've Got to Hide Your Beastles Away, Happiness is a Warm Mashup or, my own personal favorite, You Know My Name, Look Up The Beastles.


Crank it up and rock your ass out, people ...


Whatcha Want, Lady

Ladies Do Love Me

Build My Life

Tripper Trouble

Let It Beast

Looking Down The Barrel of a Warm Gun

Mother Nature's Rump

Lovely NYC

Electrified Kite

Sure-Bla-Di Shot-Bla-Da

A Day in The Life of A Beastie Boy

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Face, Techies, and Background Tables Finally Explained ...


... the Galindo family, with an immense and immeasurable amount of help and financial support from Natasha's parents, now has a sweet white minivan. It took three plus hours at the dealership, three plus hours of high level negotiations at which I am horrible at, and three plus hours of going over my credit, which, just to let you know, is shit. But, unharmed, the Galindo family exited that dealership with a brand spanking new "used" minivan. That I hope we can afford.


Afterwards, we went to a nice, quiet, secluded Lyon's for a family dinner, me, my two daughters, my wife, and her parents. We settled in, ordered drinks, then our food, and engaged in quiet conversation.


Then, a Sacramento high school theater troupe that had just finished performing the play "Bye, Bye Birdie" decided to come in.


Theater fags, people! I'm talking theater FAGS! And back in my day, spoken like an aging young man who fully realizes that he is married with two kids and a minivan, theater fag was just a negative expression that jocks used to make fun of the theater people. Not too many people in upper middle class suburban white america was "out of the closet" back then. But nowadays the theater fags are ACTUALLY fags.


Theater fags, a whole fucking busload of them. And I used to be one way back in the early nineties, back when Kurt Cobain was alive, but after years and years of therapy I can now safely say that I am a recovering theater fag. I was a pretty well known actor back in Arizona. People knew me, knew my face, knew my humor and knew my work. If there was one thing that held me down, though, from reaching my full acting potential back then was the cold hard fact that I hated fucking ostentatious, loud mouthed, bitchy, high headed, attitude-carrying theater fags. Assholes, 85% of them, and they all think they're Tom fucking Cruise, too. I love acting but hate actors.


But those feelings came after 1995, after high school, when I was in college and when I was growing up and maturing. When I was in high school, when I was doing plays like 42nd Street and fucking GREASE (?!?!?!), I was, sadly, a loud ostentatious theater fag. I was one of those loud talking teenage assholes at the sit down resturaunt (for me it was a Perkin's) being all jumpy and annoying. I was one of them.


And last night, there I was, finally coming full circle sitting there in the Lyon's listening to a bunch of upper class pretty boys and little girls who THINK they have tits act like ADD monsters and say stupid jokes (literal one we heard: "Hey, guys ... how about Bye Bye BROKEBACK?") trying to be the center of the conversation by just trying to talk louder than everybody else.


So I leaned up to Natasha and I let her know, gave her the info on what was going on behind the scenes, the stuff you could only know if you were one of them ...


I told her about the loudest table. That was the table of "faces," the stars, the people with major parts in the play. The popular people, the ones who think they're the funniest and most talented. They're highly competitive and are chock full of attitude but they're friendly with each other only because some faggy ass washed up high school theater teacher decided to throw them together. Once the play is done, most of them will go back to fighting one another for the lead in whatever their next overrated play is going to be.


Across the resturaunt is the table of unattractive people with glasses and white afros and cartoon t-shirts and boots and all back clothes on. The techies, the unpopulars, the trolls, the people who work the lights and make the stage and secretly wish that they could make it on the stage one day. But they probably won't. They sit there, a million times quieter, and they actually have conversations that don't end up in massively loud giggle fests. Sadly, though, most of their conversations are about the faces.


Then there's the other table, the one with the least amount of people. That's the table of the background people, the dreared "chorus" rejects. They sit there, the majority of them being hefty women who were at one point really into ponies, and they sip their sodas and they talk about television and celebrities and they wish that they could one day be a face. And maybe they will one day. But probably not.


Right now, though, it's all about the table of faces, the blonde haired, blue eyed men and women who at this exact second, underneath the haze of a good performance, have that rock and roll attitude rush that makes them think that they own the world. And I guess they do, no matter how fleeting that may be.


Because most of these people will continue to act throughout high school, maybe in college, but most of them, a majority of these people, they will never act again outside of high school. This is it. They've peaked. They peaked in high school, the saddest time for a person to peak. After this it's office job and waiter job and relationships and briefcases and marriages and breakups and deaths and partying and during the parties there comes vague rememberances that one day a long time ago they were on a stage and they felt the warm blanket of applause and they were alive.


Natasha was impressed. And she was slighty let down that she married a theater fag. But she said she'll forgive me in time.


Fucking theater fags, man. Back in the day.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

The Galindo Family Goes to the Park ...

... on our days off, we've gotten in the habit of walking around the complex over to the park. It's fun, Emerald gets to ride her Dora bike, I get to check out my wife's ass, we get some much needed fresh air, and when you're hella poor like us you need to get as much free entertainment as possible. Here's a whole bunch of pictures for your ass ...


Note Emerald's doesn't fit bicycle helmet ...



Bela has amazing facial expressions ...



Em's life hangs in the balance ...



Brak's photo for his personal ad ...



Em and Steve playing on the slides ...












The Galindo Family ...










... and without a doubt the COOLEST picture EVER TAKEN! Check out little seven month old Isabela's perfect fucking thumbs up!!!

Favorite Sexual Fantasy #96 ...


... and I have no idea why. I think it stems from the time Tom and I spent the day at Disneyland and we kept following this one tall teen chick with her huge titties hanging out and she was wearing tigger ears. But, hey, I'm a pervert so what do I know?


Here's some music for your ass ...


Gnarls Barkely: Gone Daddy Gone (awesome cover)

Modest Mouse: Sleepwalkin'

The Buggles: Video Killed the Radio Star

John Lennon: God


Flash video for Sifl and Olly's "The Panda Song"

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

R.I.P. The Galindo Family Car ...


... it died bravely in the line of duty, finally ascending to car heaven while going downtown to pick up Natasha. Not being able to handle its miriad of automatic troubles, and the Galindo family not being able to afford fixing all of them, the car finally tragically committed suicide on Debutant Lane right next to a stop sign. The car was twelve years old.


Now my entire family is carless with no way for Natasha and I to get to work and no way for our two daughters to get to their doctors appointments. We have absolutely no money to fix the car, let alone to get another one.


But again I say ... I bet my brother's new car is re-e-e-eally nice, though.

Stairway at St. Paul, the COMPLETE video ...


CLICK HERE TO READ MY PREVIOUS "STAIRWAY" POST


... you might recall back at the end of February when I posted a little article about Jeroen Offerman, the SUPER MEGA GENIUS of a man who spent three whole months learning how to sing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, then went to the steps of Saint Paul's Cathedral in London, sang the entire song backwards, took it home and reversed it, spliced in kareoke background music, and came up with a short film of himself singing "Stairway to Heaven" backwards but forwards.


Well, rock writer god Chuck Klosterman mentions this piece of musical madness in this month's Spin magazine (I beat Chuck fucking Klosterman to a story ... Wind Clan, bitches!!!) and that spotlight has finally led to the ENTIRE full length video, which was released in February as a frightening main menu on the "Wholphin" DVD, being posted on YouTube.


I have been waiting for two months to be able to share this with you. Here you go. Check it out, in all its madness ...



Monday, April 24, 2006

Jesus, Bitch ...

... this guy is like the most hardcore angry gangsta foul mouthed cussing violent Christian preacher in the entire world. Jesus! Hell Yeah! I accidentally stumbled onto this on YouTube. This is awesome. It's so-o-o-o nice to know that people like him are out there in the world preaching the word of Jesus to, and I quote, "All Y'all muthafuckin' niggas!"


Your New "AWESOME" Band ...


... occasionally there comes a music artist or a band that defies all logic and explanation save that they, simply put, are totally and absolutely fucking awesome. They're awesome. That's it. Someone asks you why you like them and all you can think of saying is, well, they're fucking awesome. They're your awesome band solely for their awesomeness. No melodic fantasies, no amazing spinning web of lyrics, no heartwrenchingly sad songs, no amazing musical chord changes or deep meanings. They just rock ass, plain and simple. You can't say anything else about them other that ... they're awesome.


Memories of Andrew W.K. and The Darkness come to mind.


I have a new awesome band. And no it's not Gnarls Barkely, although I am incredibly psyched about their manic rap R & B album coming out next month, and no it's not The Raconteurs, because I've already downloaded 6 of the 10 tracks off their new album, thereby saving me something around $16 bucks. My new awesome band is trashy and hard rocking and unsympathetic and not only do they have a good garage sound and good head banging music (and a really good moustache) but they have an awesome story ...


Two people, Guy 1 and Guy 2, best friends since grade school. Guy 1 turns out to be the lead singer of a famous rock band and Guy 2 grows up to be ... nothing. One day these two guys, lifelong friends, are hanging out, and Guy 2 says he wants to start a band. Guy 1, super famous already, decides to start a band with Guy 2 BUT he agrees to let Guy 2 front the band while he stays behind the drums as backup for his lifelong friend whose turn it now is to have the spotlight.


The band is called Eagles of Death Metal. Guy 2 is named Jesse Hughes, nobody you know, and Guy 1 is named Josh Homme, the lead singer of the well established band Queens of the Stone Age. He's the drummer now, supporting his Joe Average friend's shot at the big time.


I avioded Eagles of Death Metal at first. They were one of those bands that, like ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, I avoided like the plague solely because of their name. But EoDM are not a metal act. Their name came from a drunk guy at a show who was arguing that Poison was to metal what The Eagles were to rock, prompting Jesse and Josh to try to write music that were The Eagles crossed with Death Metal.


The result is jeans wearing and beer drinking fun. Awesome as fuck. Hard rock. Ass kicking. My new "AWESOME" band. Here's some free music for you ass ... and remember ... WIND CLAN UP IN DIS BITCH!!!


I WANT YOU SO HARD

CHERRY COLA

ENGLISH GIRL

I ONLY WANT YOU

STUCK IN THE "METAL" WITH YOU (live)


OH, and did I mention that the lead singer Jesse says that he was mouchestach-less for years until one day, when the Gods of Rock came to him in the night and blessed him with a rock ass mouchestache?




That's fucking awesome!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Steve Eats Own Words (and creates a brand new racial stereotype) ...


... yup, I, Reverend Steve, creator of my own goddamn religion, I ate my own words, man, saying all that stuff about how I feel really sorry for all those Jesus-lovers sloshing their asses to church last sunday, praising the almighty heavenly white guy in the middle of a piss poor Sacramento rainy day.


Well, guess what pagan cult leader ended up going to church last sunday? And when I say church, I mean CHURCH church.


Seriously. Me, right here. Yeah, I went to church. I didn't know I was going to church. I wish I had KNOWN I was going to church. But Deinna, Emerald's cousin, was doing a little play at her church and the next thing I know i'm smack dab in the middle of a bunch of godlings.


Same thing happened last x-mas. Deinna had a play and there I am being dragged into a church. The last time before x-mas that I had gone into a church was when my old friend Chris and I went to Saint Simon for midnight mass on x-mas 2001. That was a long ass time ago, back in my Phoenix days. Chris and I had both NOT gone into a church for so long that we had a few beers in the parking lot to calm us down. And inside, we sat next to my old catholic school friend Greg Kaczynski. Last time I saw him before he moved to Hell Angeles and I moved to RedNeck-amento.


A few things about me and church ... it ALWAYS rains when I go back to church. And, as these last two times have proven to me, my tattoo ALWAYS starts to itch. Spoooky, huh?


Natasha and I have talked about putting Emerald into a Christian school. I think Natasha was suprised at how quickly I said yes. I enrolled in a private catholic school and it made me into a polite, sheltered nerd who stayed far, far away from drugs and sex and drinking until I was finishing high school. It made me who I am today, an asshole who still has that tint of private school innocence. Hell yeah I'm down with Em going to private school. FUCK yeah, bitches!


Open house will be a fucking trip, though.




While I was sitting there in church and trying not to laugh, my mind started wandering. I do my best mind wandering in church. Always have. And I thought of Kill Bill, Volume I which featured an asian character who was jokingly called Charlie Brown. This led me to think about another movie that came out that year, Lost in Translation, which featured yet another asian character whose nickname was, yes, Charlie Brown.


Ladies and gentlemen, Steve's brand new racial stereotype ...


"Asian people are way too obsessed with Charlie Brown!"


So the next time that you're driving in your car and you almost get hit by some asian lady (ink-chay) yell at her to put down the fucking Peanuts collection and open her goddamn eyes.


Call her Lucy, too. Or Peppermint Patty.


This is totally fucking awesome, just to let you know.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Rainy Sacramento Easter ...


... dripping wet, slippery streets, dark grey skies, and all of it on Easter. Meanwhile, the inner Steve is chuckling at all the people celebrating Jesus today, waking up to a piss poor day's weather.




Man. You just gotta love California.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Julia Roberts and her Magic Armpit Hair ...

... whenever I'm feeling bad about myself, like when I think about how our car isn't starting and I'm not sure how I'm going to get to work tomorrow AND YET my parents bought my brother a car for my birthday, when I start thinking of how low my weight is dropping, when I think of how low I'm getting paid, when I think of how all the people who work at Natomas refused to talk to me when I spent the day working there (the conceited hipster cracker bitches) ... whenever I start feeling really bad, I just think of three things that INSTANTLY make me feel a million times better ...


1) Brad Pitt is in his forties


2) Basic Instinct 2 rightfully bombed




3) Julia Roberts has a thick fucking patch of armpit hair


That always makes me feel better. Suddenly I'm feeling better, happier, brighter, and suddenly I find myself smiling just like Isabela smiles right after peeing on my parents' carpeted bathroom floor ...




Fucking awesome. Here's some music for y'all ...


Gnarls Barkely: Crazy ... rap group Gnarls Barkely, much like last year's smash Dangerdoom collaboration, is Danger Mouse together with rapper Cee-Lo. They make awesome rap music together. It's insaine. It's like Dangermouse meets old school R&B and it's absolutely incredible.


Gnarls Barkely: Smiley Faces


Gnarls Barkely: Storm Coming


Electric Six: DANGER, High Voltage
... this is without a doubt the single greatest song ever written about kids setting fire to a Taco Bell. Electric Six is okay but what makes this song so great is Jack White's uncredited mad screaming.


Cake: I Will Survive

Me and Marisa - State Fair 2005 ...


... I got this picture taken in front of the main gate of the California State Fair. I went with Marisa, a beautiful woman near and dear to my heart who I have recently been missing the shit out of, what with her being the reigning Queen of Receiving and me being a father of two. Marisa reminds me a lot of my friend Kendra from Arizona in that they were and are both my cute little crushes. Kendra was my dry heat Arizona crush in the same way that Marisa is my state fair crush.


God I miss Kendra ... hugging her, holding her, drinking with her, hanging out at Bennigan's with her, eating at that one deli we always used to go to with her and going to see Wesley Willis (Wood rest his soul) with her in oh-two. She was the woman in Arizona that I loved the most and yet I KNEW that I could and would never ever have her or date her. And I was ok with that. I miss the shit out of her and wish she could see my two wonderful daughters and meet my amazing wife. She was my Kendra. And Marisa is my Marisa.


For almost an entire year, the state fair photo people have been relentlessly sending me e-mails of this photo. I thought that I'd get a few e-mails a month for about two to three months. But the fair was in August/September and I just got a letter saying that I can get a picture of me and Marisa on an easter basket. They're hardcore, these photo people.


There are a few things that are horribly wrong with this photo ...


- the photo is hideously uncentered


- the photo is almost pitch black


- Marisa and Emerald are doing the exact same face in some very strange, freaky sort of way


Still, I love this photo. And I loved going to the fair with Marisa and Emerald. When we would walk down the midway games, the carnies would try to get our attention by calling us mom and dad. They thought Marisa and I were married and our blonde haired, blue eyed daughter was ours.


That's awesome.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Story of the Burning Crow Book ...

... so I've been watching a a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3,000 on YouTube lately, staying up late with my wife and I both cuddling on the couch with the monitor turned towards us as we hold each other and watch "EEGAH" or some shorts, and it's really been awesome. Seeing all this Mystery Science, it really brings me back to 1996 and '97, back in the day when MST3K pretty much ran the life of any young person such as myself. Hell, I was an extra in the movie Jerry Maguire but my brother and I actually skipped out of the set early so that we could watch the midnight showing of MST3K on UHF. That's how much that show meant to me and my brother and pretty much everybody I knew at the time.


That show was king.




But MST3K, as great a show as it may be, also led to one of the largest and most painful Galindo family wars in recent memory, a million times worse than the one that presently led my parents to buy my brother a car for my 29th birthday. It is a month long period of civil war that is now know as the Burning Crow War. Well ... it's known as the Burning Crow war because I just decided to called it that because I think it sounds kinda awesome, so I guess it's now called the Burning Crow War. And it was a very dark time in the long history of pointless Galindo family wars.


My brother and I got tickets to a preview of the Mystert Science Theater movie. I got the tickets through the newspaper I was working at, but at the last second Joe couldn't go so I went with his girlfriend Heather. What we didn't know was that the guy that played Crow was going to be there signing autographs. Joe DEMANDED that I get him to autograph one of his video tapes of the show, so I brought the video with me and after the movie and the Q & A I indeed got his autograph as per Joe's request.


I wanted an autograph, too, but, not having any tapes I tried to get him to sign the only thing I had on me - an old business card. He held the thing in his hand, looked at it like it was a baby deer on fire, and asked what the hell that was. I told him I had nothing else for him to autograph and, being the awesome man he is, he snapped his finger (he didn't ACTUALLY snap his finger - that's me romanticizing the story a bit) and his publicist appeared out of nowhere with an absolutely FREE copy of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide" autographed "To Steve, Nice Business Card!" And that's how I accidentally got a free autographed copy of the MST3K book. Pretty awesome.


This is when things turned into a very strange, very pathetic Shakespeare play. Joe felt that I had betrayed him by giving him the little autograph on his video and CHEATING my way into getting a free book. He said that when they handed me the free book that I should have made him autograph it to Joe and not to me. Joe, yelling at me, screaming at me, calling me a Judas, actually threw a video tape at my head in anger. He then disavowed me being his brother and decided that he was never going to talk to me ever again.


This went on for a month, an entire fucking MONTH of P.M.S. crybaby Joe getting angry at me, cussing me out, calling me a Judas, getting drunk and throwing various objects at my head.


Then, in a move that was incredibly dramatic but in retrospect stupid as all hell, I had a few white russians, smoked a cigar or two and decided, as a big fucking nail in Joe's coffin, I decided to walk out into a cold Phoenix night and, right on the rocks on our front lawn, set fire to that stupid fucking book as Joe was coming home from the bar. I was so pissed off at Joe being a crybaby and treating me like shit. I was sick of being cussed at and having things thrown at me. So, not really giving a shit about an autograph from a funny guy with his right hand up a robot's ass, I walked onto our lawn and set that fucker aflame.


Joe walked right passed me, quietly, drunkenly mumbling "I don't give a fuck. Whatever, Stevie." And when he went inside I lit a cigarette off of the flames of the Burning Crow book.


My actions that night quickly ended the war and yes I have a penchant for the over-dramatics (as anyone I know can attest to) but I was stupid for doing something like that to my OWN property just to shut up my crybaby older brother. And still to this day about nine years later everytime I watch MST3K I wish that I still had that stupid fucking book, that I hadn't torched it, that I had just told my brother to go fuck himself and not set fire to something that was so awesome.


I just recently got sent to me a totally free copy of the newly restored colorized "Plan 9 from Outer Space" autographed by Mike Nelson. And that made me smile a small shit-eating grin that said that in a way, somehow, in the long run, I think I've won. Somehow I won.


That was the Burning Crow was, one of about three hundred wars that have gone on in the Galindo family. There have been other wars a million times worse and a million times longer than that one. But none of them saw me burning my own property just to subconsciously kick my brother in the balls.


Here's part one of Eegah, hands down one of the five best episodes of MST3K they ever made. It's about 45 minutes long and takes a long time to load so go get a beer, make some popcorn, download some internet porn, and come back in about fifteen minutes. It will be here waiting for you, courtesy of Reverend Steve ...


Monday, April 10, 2006

Jack White's New Band ...

... Jack's new band, the one he's shifting all his focus on for oh-6ix, is The Raconteurs, which is a French word for a master storyteller, such as myself. His music is a poppy sort of White Stripes if there were more talented people other than Meg backing him up. It makes for a kick ass sound that everyone's going to eat up like crack.


The CD comes out at the end of this month but here are a few free tracks for you ...


Steady As She Goes (easily the best)


Yellow Sun


Store Bought Bones


Hands


Level

Sunday, April 9, 2006

Nana's New Next Door Dog ...



...so Nana, Natasha's mom who lives next door, just got a dog on craigslist.


It's the cutest fucking dog in the world. And it seems to have temporarily quelled Natasha's hardcore urge to get us a dog ...




... except now she wants another ferret.

Friday, April 7, 2006

Random Arizona Stories - part two ...



... Sonic. God damn I missed Sonic. I missed their Slushies and their fries and their foot long chili cheese dogs and their hamburgers. I missed everything about Sonic. I didn't think I would miss their food so much but there are commercials for Sonic here in Sacramento ... and there's NO SONICS ANYWHERE, the fuckballs. God, when I lived with Debby there was a Sonic about fifteen minutes walk away. I'd have lunch there when I wasn't busy NOT going to college. And when the streets weren't too hot I'd walk the ferret and we'd eat fries and smoke and pig out on some awesome cheap food. So it meant a lot to take my family there. I swear, in Phoenix the Sonics are getting as out of control as the Walgreens. There are Sonics everywhere on every corner. And there was one right down the street (or should I say deserted rocky Queen Creek road) from where my parents lived. Emerald didn't want to eat there but eventually warmed up. My wife, though, she fell for Sonics like a kick to the balls. She loved the hell out of it. And even our youngest got her first taste of french toast sticks ...



... and even a bit of a kick ass Sonic hamburger. She loved it. We all do. For the love of god and allah and Ed Wood and Torgo the man-beast and little baby Jesus, make a Sonics Drive-In here in Sacramento. I promise I'll be your best friend.




So one of the things I really wanted to do was to drive down to Douglas, right on the border of Mexico, and visit my grandparents, Emerald and Isabela's great grandparents. My mom accompanied us, which meant that there was no way I could be the one driving, unless we wanted both Bela AND Tere to cry all the way to Dogs-ass. It took a good four hours drive to get there, then what felt like even longer to traverse the world's most mexican KFC-A&W. We made it to nana's and tata's place ok, though. It visually upset Natasha that my great grandparents obviously drooled all over my biological daughter and almost walked right past Emerald. It upset me, too, but we just ate our KFC and talked with tata. My grandfather is 96 years old (!!!!!) and he's still surprisingly conscious and hardcore. (If you want, I can tell you the "Tata's not dead" story, which really is an award winning story) My nana doesn't speak a lick of english, so it's touch and go with the two of us. Em and Natasha had fun and we even posed for a picture, four generations of Somoza's. Pretty awesome picture.




Notice that Isabela's pulling Tata's hair. Hard. And he's laughing about it.


So after that, Tere and her mom LITERALLY ran off with Isabela to show her off to all the other random mexican fogeys in town. If we had known they wouldn't be using a baby seat, we would have put our feet down, but we had nothing to do but hang out with tata. But he quickly took a nap, and at his age those can be lethal, so Tasha and Em and I sat on the porch. God, nana and tata's porch. I spent so much time there growing up. They really didn't let us watch cartoons or anything at their house when we were growing up and they had no vcr, either, and when the tv WAS on it was all spanish, so I spent just a lot of my time sitting on the rocking chair outside and looking at the flowers and watching the sky and listening to the silence - and there's no greater silence than one that comes from a small town. So I'd sit there. Almost like meditating. And to have the chance to share that with my wife and with Emerald, that meant so much to me, I can't explain it ...








This next video is for all my Phoenix people, the ones that are still trapped there and those of you who like me managed to escape. Those of you who once shopped at Valley West Mall and loves Peter Piper Pizza still, despite not eating there for a long, long time. Here's some exclusive 1977 video from channel five's "Wallace and Ladmo" show.


People who are REALLY from Phoenix know what this is ...



Thursday, April 6, 2006

Coleridge returns in "Coleridge 2: A Day in the Life" ...

... and it features that "Yellow" song from Coldplay, which is perfect for the opening shot of the film, which literally is Coleridge humping the bed.


And a little later on he's playing soccer ... and the ball rolls into the street ... and he runs after it. I've never cheered so loud before in my entire life.


All in all a great movie, better than King Kong but not as good as Smokey and the Bandit 3.




Coleridge will be back in "Coleridge 3: A Very Coleridge Christmas!"


And no, I am not joking.

Monday, April 3, 2006

Muppets In Da House, Niggaz ...

Horrible YouTube Home Movies: Part I ...



... it's one in the morning as I write this. I think. You goddamn heathen Californianites and your pointless fucking time changes, man. Jesus. In Arizona we don't do the whole time change thing. Nope. We all ride gila monsters and we eat cacti and we spit in spitoons and we watch Wallace and Ladmo and we sure as hell don't have NO time change because it's absolutely fucking pointless. So I'm all fucked up by the "spring upwards/fall sideways" thing that everyone has memorized by now except for the 'zona boys like me.


Anyways, it's almost one and I'm listening to some awesome hip hop music (Talib Kweli , Grand Buffet, Beastie Boys, Ghostface, a shitload of MF Doom, MC Lars, Rhymefest and some awesome tracks from the new Sergio Mendes album) and drinking. There is presently a pint of Labatt Blue in front of me (God, Canadians have really smooth beer ... in contrast, Irish have burnt toast beer and Mexicans have pee mixed with acid-flavored beer) and I'm making a conscious effort NOT to innundate this blog with obscure video after obscure video from YouTube. I could so easily blanket this blog with funny and frightening but pointless shit from YouTube ... but, deep breath, slow and steady wins the race and whatnot. Keeping my cool and doing a fairly good job of it, all things considered.


But you guys gotta meet Chit.


So basically, the only thing that my wife and I did last night (Sat. night) was rumage through pointless shit on YouTube, making fun of people. And oh my Wood we had a fucking blast! Did you know that there are over 850 videos on YouTube that are somehow about Disneyland? That's insaine, if you ask me. And, seeing as this is fuckin' YouTube we're talking about here, the majority of the videos are 15-year-old Hot Topic bitches being silly in line somewhere. Annoying as hell. But, if you really wade through all the stupid pointless shit, sometimes you can find some really priceless little gems, a few of which I will be sharing with you now ...


You see, I was watching my favorite episode of MST3K when all of a sudden I thought that maybe I could find some video of an entire ride of Pirates or the Haunted Mansion on YouTube. So I typed "Disneyland" and suddenly found myself swimming though an endless ocean of crap. But, as I said, occasionally you get some really awesome pointless crap.


Like the next video. It's from the seventies or eighties, I think. Here's what the poster had to say about it: "I think i am 3 in this video...we are in the disneyland hotel and my dad is recording stuff out the window and you can hear me in the background complaining about some key that i want....and then i say...'Mommy where's my juuuuice!' lol" Ok, I hate people who type lol, but I have to agree. This bratty little shitface kid is so bratty that you can tell that he re-e-eally wants that damn cookie, although my wife thinks he's really saying 'key as in cookie. And that builds up so much that when he finally gets to sing-asking for the "ju-u-U-u-u-uice" it's damn funny.


Here it is ...




Ok, here's the problem with YouTube ... there's a video on it that is called "riding dumbo at disneyland." The description is as follows: "me and my best friend jess riding the dumbo ride at disneyland." And yet, if you click on it, you are told that the following video may contain scenes that are inappropriate for some users, as flagged by YouTube's user community. What? It's called Riding Dumbo! I'm pretty damn sure it doesn't mean SEXUALLY "riding" Dumbo, you dumb douchebags!


Here's an accidentally captured video, this one of a hideously obese overweight chick doing donuts on her wheelchair and chasing kids in New Orleans Square. I like this one ...




That brings us to Coleridge.


Fucking Coleridge. God I fucking hate Coleridge.


He is a shitty little kid, he looks like he wears lipstick, his dad is obviously flame on gay, and they both are the epitome of dirty soulless yuppie fucking scum. Their video "The Happiest Boy on Earth," is so hideously hilarious. I thought that, being a new father, that I would somehow find myself to be overly sensitive to stupid crap like this ... but I am glad to say that, no, I have somehow managed to remain a complete asshole, being just asshole enough to say that the following video complete sucks upper class white yuppie ass.


Why, you might ask if you actually cared? Well, for starters, the opening credits (and it says a lot that it even HAS opening credits) says that it is so completely obvious that daddy Coleridge has a Mac. Secondly, his use of shitty white people music during the video makes you want to just rip your fucking ears off and feed them to that yuppie bitch smile child Coleridge.


And the worst part ...


... the end of the video actually, honestly, LITERALLY has a small cameo of COLERIDGE'S PENIS!!!


WTF!?!?!?!?!


So, if you chose NOT to see this one, then that's absolutely fine. I'll understand. But here it is ...




Coleridge is such a fucking douchebag.


And so that finally brings us to Chit.


Cool Chit. Bad ass Chit. Tired Chit.


Out of all the hundreds of shitty Disneyland kids on YouTube, he's my favorite. He's so awesome, I want a Chit shirt.


This video is set in Hong Kong Disneyland, which I imagine is just like the American Disneyland but you can only see about 40% of it. Chit, the young, droopy eyes, slightly bald, big headed Asian child star of this movie, has been brought to Hong Kong Disneyland by his parents. That's the setup. Everyone understand the setup? Good!


There was a video BEFORE the one you are about to see, a Chit prequel if you will, which, a racist's dream, was called "He love Disney so much" which is vaguely similar to ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US but I digress. The first video was boring. I just wasn't feeling it or Chit or the entire situation. The characters of that film weren't fully defined yet. I give it two thumbs down.


And then I saw this amazing, incredible, award willing-this can lick Crash's ass-video, this Chit-as-tortured-hero video which was simply called "Chit in Disneyland" and suddenly I was in absolute LOVE with Chit. The video you are about to see has the following tag line: "After over 10 hours playing in Disneyland, he're very tired & going to sleep.... "


It was this, the seuqel, that made me fall in love with Chit. Watch and enjoy ...




Aren't Chit's parents, his mom and some other bitch, just totally fucking TORTURING him? Seriously! That is just messed up, man. I mean, shit, the kid's like six years old. Let the chink sleep. Shit! Dumb bitches. But then the shitty goatee-ed dad comes in at the end and saves the day. Hell yeah! You go, crappy goatee dad. Save Chit from the Chinese torture harpees.


God-motherfuckingJesusanalrape-Christ, I love Chit. Seriously. I'm pro-Chit and you should, too. He's a modern day Jesus. He's a hero for our modern day trials and tribulations. He's a modern day god.


Besides, how do you think Chit's Asian parents pronounce his name?


Just a thought.

Sunday, April 2, 2006

It's Brak ...



... so this is Brak the ferret. Emerald is so in love with him, which I think is actually making him a little bit less depressed. Which is good. I can't believe I have a ferret. My wife is just incredibly obsessed recently with owning pets. I have no idea why. Hell, even though I said yes to the ferret, she STILL wants to get a puppy. I mean, Jesus.




Personally, I really like having a ferret again, despite my eyes occasionally bursting into flames and my inhaler getting the workout of its little white plastic life. I used to have a ferret back in the Arizona days, so it's really refreshing to have another one. As long as I don't have to tough it at all. And it makes my wife happy, so that's good.