NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Monday, July 31, 2006

Things I've Learned About Black People From Watching The Maury Povich Show ...



- Black women have sex with ten to twenty people in one day.


- Black men are getting drunk and fucking overweight black women, then denying that they are the baby's daddy.


- Instead of purchasing a paternity test, black people would rather go on national television and embarrass themselves in order to get the paternity test free.




- When it is proven that you're not the father, you must dance. Dance like you're Will fucking Smith.


- It is possible to be 1,300% sure you aint the baby's daddy.


- Black women must scream their guts out that they be they babydaddy, even if you know in your heart that that's probably not true.


- If you ARE in fact the father, you must bow your head and try to look all bad ass and shit.




- Black men are "playaz" and the women they've just had sex with are "dirty grimey hoes."


- In the ghetto, you don't NEED no paternity test. I mean, just look at they nose, Maury! That be tha same damn nose! Look at they neck! LOOK AT THEY NECK!!!


- If the man that you're sure is the father ISN'T the father, black women will instinctively run to the nearest available greenroom.


- If the man that you're sure is the father turns out to actually BE the father, don't try to start building a sound bridge between the both of you, opening a road towards happy, safe parenting. No, fuck that. Get in their mother fucking face!




CLICK HERE FOR AN EXCLUSIVE MAURY POVICH AUDIO CLIP FROM ONE OF HIS RECENT PATERNITY TESTS!

The Stepping CD ...

... I got it at work for free. Kevin found a box of cds without cases and decided to give us first crack at them. Thing was, they all sucked real bad. I mean, who wants Manheim Steamroller Christmas 2 when it's May, right? But it came to me that I should find the one cd that I hate more than any of them and damage the shit out of it. So I took one of the cds, Jimmy Buffett's "License to Chill," and took it home. We've all taken various turns damaging the shit out of it. Emerald throws it. I scratch it. Isabela loves to chew on it. But mostly it sits on the kitchen floor and waits for people to step all over it. We WANT people to damage it. We sure as hell ain't ever going to listen to that crap.


It's the stepping cd. Feel free to step on it.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Vague Recollections from the Party Last Night ...

Look at the bottom left as Isabela eats a car ...




Dude, matching striped polo shirts. That's fucking pimp ...




Isabela either wants to get her drink on or is staring at Marisa's sexy ass sweater monkeys ...




Jedi Nathaniel, the coolest black jedi since Sam Jackson ...




Fucking AWESOME! Isabela finally learns about her namesake ...




Marisa's sexy ass feet ...




They're like those happy and sad drama masks ...




I woke up at around ten in the afternoon. I felt so hung over, like movie hung over where it's too bright and sound hurts my head and all that. Pretty intense. I'm just now finally able to eat normal food. Praying to the porcelin god there for a while.


Wow. That was fun as hell. Damn. There's 22 empty beer bottles in this house. That's fucking hardcore. Man. What a great way to start my vacation.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Tired, Sore, Exhausted, Starving, Racist T-Shirts and the Wind Clan ...

... had a girl named Debby. She used to work at a cafe in a Barnes and Noble. She had long since quit that job (or was fired for smoking pot on the job, although I think that was the Krispy Kreme job where that happened) when I started working at the Metrocenter Barnes and Noble as a cashier slash shelver slash bargain straightener slash one man info desk slash bathroom mopper slash strange projects boy. It was a very ghetto job and one that had me in the back room a lot listing boxes and huge stacks of books and such.


Anyhoo, when I would come home tired and sore and exhausted, Debby would blow me off, saying "Your job isn't that hard. I used to work at a Barnes and Noble and once Cody and I opened the whole store by ourselves and it wasn't that hard, so I don't know what you're complaining about."


Holy living god demon retarded ass fucking nun whore, that would really piss the shit out of me!!! She had worked at a bookstore and HER bookstore experience was easy and therefore she refused to believe me when I had a hideous fucking day and was tired and sore and exhausted and starving. GOD I hated that.


Guess what kind of day I had?


I got five hours of sleep, got to work at 8:30, shelved one morning cart, facilitated a field trip for abused urban kids, trained two new employees, and got to the second morning shelving cart at around 12:45, not finishing it until right before my lunch which wasn't until 1:30. When I got back there were three massive carts of books to be shelved, not to mention massive stacks of shit on my desk. Thankfully the newbies were able to help me, stumbling their way around a store that they had only worked in once before. Today was horrible hell and now once again I'm at home tired and cranky and sore and completely out of it. Thankfully, though, my wife is comforting and caring and understanding and, above all, she actually BELIEVES me when I say how horrible today was. That means everything to me.


But I find myself warmed by some words of my father: Keep your eyes on the prize, Stevie. And that's what I'm trying to do. One more day and then I'm on vacation, an entire week where I ain't doing jack fucking shit except relaxing, fucking around with my iPod, writing, reading, playing with the kids, fucking my wife and, if I had any money, drinking.


Hell yeah!




In case you can't see it all too good, the drawing is a confederate flag on the top of the capitol dome. It's the most racist shirt I own and it's only funny if I wear it. The back of that shirt reads:


"If You Can't Feed 'Em, Don't Breed 'Em!

NAACP (National Association for the Advancement of Caucasian People)"


I don't wear it out very much. Although I have worn it under my work shirt a few times. It's very empowering when Shaniquaa is too busy reading Zane books and hair magazines to take care of her six kids running around the section destroying shit.


Here's some music up your ass from the gotdamn Wind Clan, bitches!


Foo Fighters: Arms Wide Open (Rare Hilarious Acoustic Creed Parody)

Eels: Hospital Food

Mungo Jerry: In The Summertime

MF Doom: The Mic Sounds Nice

The Raconteurs: Together

Gnarls Barkley: Basically

The Bees: I Love You

Weezer: Tired of Sex

Eagles of Death Metal: I Want You So Hard

P.O.D.: Boom

The Who: Baba O'Riley

The Beatles: Heather (Rare Unused Demo)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Hardcore Women's Match: Emerald Galindo VS "Double D" Deinna Disaster ...



In this titanic, vicious match between two heated rivals and former women's champions, "Double D" made quick use of that "cast" of hers, quickly knocking out Emerald when the ref wasn't looking. It looked as if Deinna wanted a quick end to this match but Emerald somehow kicked out on a two count and managed to fight back ...




... Emerald finally won the match after cutting "Double D' in half with a lightsaber.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Some More Random Stuff ...


I've been posting a lot lately about how I want $$$ for (glug glug). So tall cute Megan from work bought me a root beer. Because that's the only type of beer she can legally buy. That's so fuckin' sweet. That's awesome. I love Megan. Not only is she nice and fun to talk to but she looks good in a hula skirt. And although I'm not one to ever do this, when you talk about her you just have to use lol.




Here's a little preview of the "found" lyrics that will play a major part in my soon to be new rap career. This little ditty is called "Stomp" ...


Get bad, jump up if you want to

If ya do, the whole crew gone stomp you

Ya fat mouthin, then you on da floor

Out the door you will not disrespect no more

(which is a double negative, by the way, which means that there will actually be more disrespecting to come)

Now you betta jump back when you step to da plate

It's 3 strikes in the majors but we aint playin' no game

You lookin' nervous so tell me what you gone do

There's 3 of us and there's 1 of you


... wow. I don't think Shakespeare or Stephen King could have said it better themselves.




I just want to take this time to say that I am hereby outlawing anyone from getting married for the rest of 2006. I'm serious here. No weddings. No marriages. Last year was all about weddings and marriages and what happened? Well, all I can say for myself is that MY marriage is fine and dandy and today I've had sex twice. Probably have sex again once I'm done typing this. I'm all good. Everyone else's, though, are a different story. So no weddings for the rest of the year. Next year, maybe we'll think about it.




The Civil War series of comics that Marvel are putting out are fucking awesome. I've got the first two issues of the major series and I have two of the small secondary issues. I don't have the $$$ to go every wednesday and buy comics like I used to, so I really savor every issue I can afford to buy. Marvel, see, is getting their characters and putting them in a real world situation, one where the US government is forcing all superhuman people to register their real name and super power. Meanwhile, DC is doing boring Infinity Crisis shit where Superman-Prime is fighting three hundred other Supermen from alternate realities. Ooooh look, Batman #12 is fighting Old Batman and Young Batman #812. Boring. That's why I'm not a DC man. Besides, they brought Jason Todd back to life. I fucking KNEW they would do that eventually. I hate that.




It is very difficult to be a professional wrestling fan. World Wrestling Entertainment pretty much owns everything as far as wrestling is concerned. There's TNA wrestling which is doing new and different things, real trailblazers, but it's tough to watch new stars like AJ Styles and Abyss when you're forced to choke on bullshit from mid-nineties 'roid rage douchebags like Scott Stiener and Jeff Jarret, the king of annoying. I haven't been into WWE since the Hurricane went heel and Eddie died. So I got really exciting when ECW - Extreme Championship Wrestling was set to return, because I was one of the few who was an ECW fan before WWE bought it. And I was really into it for about a month but it's hard to be into something that millions of others are against. I'm pretty much just waiting for Matt and Jeff Hardy to get back together. Hopefully soon. They really were the greatest tag team ever and if they get back together, then I would suddenly become the world's biggest mark. I'm waiting patiently. And while waiting, I stumbled on to this, a web reality show that, although I aint paying to see it, it sure as hell intrigues me.




Band called Self. I stumbled onto one of their songs called This is Love and I loved it. But I didn't bother finding out who they were or finding any other songs. But just this morning I found their web site and was shocked to discover that they had pretty much their entire catalog of music available for free to download on their web site. God. You hardly ever see that shit anymore. I really respect that. Their music is damn good, too. Check it out.


Here's a whole episode of South Park. the baseball one. It's my favorite. I gotta go for a walk with the kids now. God I love days off. Well I'll smell you jerks later ...



Emerald's Choice ...



... Emerald asked me if I could get a big pile of dvds and videos together so that she could pick which one she could watch. So I got a big pile of videos and a few cartoons and a few adult stuff she likes, a huge ass pile of good stuff for her to watch.


So, this was her pile:


Muppets from Space

Invader Zim: Vol. Three

Gumby's Greatest Adventure

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Vol. Four

Home Movies: Season One

Gumby: Gumbasia

Yellow Submarine

Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Vol. Two

Terry Pratchett's Soul Music

Space Ghost Coast to Coast: Volume Two

The Great Muppet Caper

Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge

Sealab 2021: Season One

Simpsons: Season Three

The Goonies

Spongebob Halloween

The Brak Show: Volume One

The Office: Season One

Kermit's Swamp Years

Home Movies: Season Three

Dora's Pirate Adventure

Barbie and the Magic of the Pegasus

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl


Now, take in mind that she is a four year old girl, one who loves Barbie and cartoons and pretty pink dresses and playing dolls with other girls. Now, take in mind she's MY daughter and likes The Beatles and punk music and pirates and pro-wrestling.


My four year old daughter, out of all the videos and dvds I picked out, she picked, shock of shocks, sprprise of surprise, the fake british talk show Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge. Wow. Really. Wow. Emerald fucking rocks.


Here's a clip where Alan sings a hideous ABBA medley. Great fucking show ...


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Boofing Two Women at Once ...

... I'm tired as hell and should probably in all likelyhood get my brown ass to sleep ... but sexxxy wifey Natasha and a sexxxy hot drinking Marisa are playing an awesome living room game that I invented called "Boofball" (named after the chick from Teen Wolf, one of my first crushes)


Playing Boofball with Emerald is fun as hell, but I find it vaguely sexual when these two play it, all the catching and throwing and giggling and giggling.


God. I'm horrible for that.


God I want a fucking beer. Being broke sucks ass. Natasha says that if I want a beer so bad then I can go to the store and buy some. Which is cool. But, fuck, it's almost 11 pm and I'm mister Early Bedtyme over here (no, that's not my official rap persona - just testing it out)


Now Natasha and Marisa are playing New Super Mario Bros together. Not too sexxxy, nowhere near the level of sexiness that Boofball creates. Although they ARE sitting really close on the same couch and I CAN see a little bit of Marisa's sexxxy feet. I have a thing for feet. Hers are really nice. I'd totally fucking do her feet.


Yeah. I'm horrible. And tired. And very, very sober.

Monday, July 24, 2006

VOTE NOW for my New Rap Persona ...



Well, after two days of intense voting at work, here's how the New Rap Persona standings officially are ...


1st Place:
Rollie Fingazz (6 votes)

2nd Place:
Preposterous (5 votes)

3rd Place:
Prime Numba (4 votes)

4th Place (Tie):
Leed Booksella
Little Brown & Co.
Early Bedtyme (3 votes each)

5th Place (Tie):
G-Funk Money Dawg
Mista Steev
MC O.C.D.
Parachute Pants (2 votes each)

6th Place (Tie):
Taco Salsa
MF Spider Ham
Duh Vinci Codez (1 vote each)

Last Place:
Kidz Leed
SG Mysterio
Dood
Engram
E-Metah
Harry Tha Dirtee Dawg
Storeetyme
Daddy Steve (no votes)


The voting polls are now open to everyone and anyone. Vote now! Vote as often as you like. Tell me which name I should adopt to record the mad fat fresh fly (dumb, stupid, gay, fake hardcore) totally dope beats that I found at work, yo. I can't start my new hideous rap career without a proper rap persona. Personally I like "Parachute Pants" because that's what MC Hammer wore, but it's all up to you.


Come on, people! Vote, post, comment. Let me know what name you think I should be. Seriously, though, I feel like a kid on christmas day with these rap lyrics, man. They are so fucking horrible, they're grrrrrreat! Just wait 'till you hear the song "Bounca'!" Wow. Not a dry seat in the house!


Vote now!


We're going to get so crunked up in here you're going to have to crack open a fucking window!

MASSIVE Project Underway at the Galindo Household ...

... Now, I don't want to say too much, on account of I don't want anyone with authority to put a stop on this new project of mine and halt it from going all the way, so I will simply say this ...


Last saturday, in MY children's department, the hardcore gangsta' Sacramento teenage rap group "E-legal" left something ve-e-e-e-ery important behind, something I now plan to share with the world.


I've already said too much, but DAMN am I ever fucking excited! I really am. I'm like a kid in a fucking candy store. And the store is filled with big tittied hookers who are giving freebies. Damn, man, I can't fuckin' WAIT to drop this madness on all y'all's punk ass, yo! WORD!


By the way, on a completely unrelated topic, does anyone have a computer microphone that I sould borrow for maybe like a week or two? I'll make it worth your while. I'll drop your name on my new album if you let me borrow it, dawg!


It's time for timid little Steve to embrace his inner THUG LIFE! Wind Clan be gettin' ready to drop some stank bologna on your Punky Brewster asses! Hell yeah! I come from da hardcore streets of Prestcott, Arizona, foos, and don't you be forgetting me!


Here's a preview of some fat ass gangsta rhymes. This isn't E-legal, though, just some crap I found on YouTube ...


Sunday, July 23, 2006

Post #420: Songs That Take Over The Entire Galindo Household ...

... these are the songs that take over our entire lives, drill deep into our brains and take over our entire inner being. And there are a LOT of songs that do this. And it happens all the time. Some people get songs stuck in their head. We get playlists stuck in our heads. I mean, what with my 2 gig iPod Nano or as I like to call it my THIRD child, I hear a whopping buttload o' songs on a major sort of basis but it takes a whole lot more than massive Steve play for a song to become a major part of our lives.


Two major ways to tell that a song has made it in our family life is A) Emerald can sing along to it, which is entirely cute as fuck, and B) Natasha accidentally sings it to herself repeatedly. Personally I love it when a song becomes a part of our lives. I should make some sort of ceremony when it happens.


It's cute as fuck. You should see us. We dance a lot. Kitchen dancing, me and the girls, all dancing in our pajamas in the kitchen to "FIRE IN THE DISCO!" or whatever's playing. Isabela dances too but she prefers slow dancing with her daddy.


The Raconteurs: Steady as She Goes


Rhymefest - Build Me Up (Feat. O.D.B.)


Junior Senior: Move Your Feet


Electric Six: DANGER! HIGH VOLTAGE!




Danger Doom: Sofa King (remix)


Gnarls Barkley: Crazy


The Kooks: Crazy (acoustic)


Sarah Silverman: I Love You More




John Ondrasik (Five for Fighting): Penguin Lament


The White Stripes: Jolene


John Denver: Thank God I'm a Country Boy (Party Ben's Fat Ass City Boy Remix)


Sifl & Olly: Llama School




... this is post number 420. Tee-hee, snicker-snicker!


I would celebrate if I didn't have to work tonight. And tomorrow. And if Gwen was over.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Officially Not Thinking About ...


... work

... how trashed the kids section is going to be tomorrow

... the 65 ghetto ass teenage minority kids that rode the bus to MY work to see breakdancers and rappers rapping and dancing to loud ass music played by a radio dj in MY kids section

... about the ghetto ass rapper wannabee's sitting on the books in kids bargain and throwing plush at each other while cussing

... how hard it was not to laugh at the bad rap group (for Steve trivia fans, the group was called Illegal)

... how much I stated and how hard I demanded that no one set up shop in my section, only to have my demands not listened to YET AGAIN

... how our community relations manager seemed upset that I was upset thereby making me not only upset about having a huge group taking over my section and rapping but also making me feel bad for feeling upset, which is confusing and almost kinda bullshit

... feelings of guilt over leaving an hour early so that my diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder didn't drive me crazy what with rapfest 2006 kickin' it huge in my section

... extreme money problems

... my diminishing weight

... not being able to afford beer

I Am A Lucky Guy ...



... to have Emerald accept me as her daddy. I may never be her biological father but the way that she has attached herself to me and has been loving on me and kissing me and telling me how much she loves me, I am one lucky son of a bitch to have that. Although it kills me that I wasn't there for that 0 to 1 time in her life, and I cry whenever I see baby photos of her because I wasn't there, it's amazing that she has been able to love and accept me so much.


Family is in the heart, not the blood or the skin color. Fucking recognize!



Friday, July 21, 2006

I Haven't Laughed This Hard Since Rick James ...

... godDAMN it's so refreshing to be able to watch me some new Dave skits. Of course, when I say watch I mean download on YouTube, but still, this is one funny ass skit. It's refreshing to see this skit because I have been SAYIN' this was happening for nine or so years now. He is SO fucking alive ...


Thursday, July 20, 2006

Hardcore Rematch: Emerald Galindo VS Reverend Steve Galindo ...


... here's a picture from the main event taped earlier in the evening, a hardcore rules rematch of daughter Emerald going up against daddy Steve. Here, former GVWA champion and closeted pervert Reverend Steve uses a toy phone to try and choke out his four year old daughter and former GVWA Women's champion Emerald ...




... but a quick thinking young Emerald was soon able to turn the tide of the match, breaking free of the phone choke and setting in her own colbra-tight headlock which almost made her daddy tap out ...




... and then, looking for a quick end to this match, she grabbed a steel chair from the audience and finished off the former champion with a series of ghastly shots to the temple, leading to a bloody Reverend Steve and an easy three count. EMERALD WINS!

The Galindo Girls at the Park ...











... and, in going with the playing at the park theme, here comes some children themed music directly from the muthafuckin' Wind Clan, bee-yotches! Recognize!


Eels: Saturnday Morning

Dead Kennedys: I Kill Children

Ben Kweller: Ice Ice Baby

Bright Eyes: Drunk Kid Catholic

The Raconteurs: Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)

Kids Bop: Float On

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Searching for Insignificance When It Was Cloudy ...

... big props goes out to my old catholic school buddy Greg for the heads up on this site. I haven't gotten this excited about a web site since I first watched a Sifl and Olly episode on YouTube.


It's called We Feel Fine.org and basically what it does is it searches the internet and searches blogs for emotions. You can search for happiness or sadness or insignificance. You can narrow the search by age, sex, location, and even weather. But here's the best part ... the search results become a giant ball of colors that explodes into tiny little pieces at you, small balls of colors for text only and boxes for text with pictures.


It's an incredible site, perfect if you want to fuck around semi-productively but don't actually want to do any work. It's awesome.


A lot of work stuff on my mind. A lot of work stuff I'd like to talk about. But, as I sit here with a Coors Light in my hand and my entire body relaxed from an hour or two of nightswimming, suddenly bitching about work is the last thing on my mind. Besides, since when did this blog become the "I Am Greatly Unappreciated" blog, huh? Fuck all that.


Wind Clan brings some kick ass music up your butthole now ...


Fugazi: Waiting Room

Treephort: Why Do Fat Kids Like Metallica?

Guns 'n' Roses: Sympathy for the Devil

Limbeck: People Don't Change

Phenomenauts: Mission

Pain: Antidote

Groovie Ghoulies: The Beast With 5 Hands

Paul Mcartney: Live and Let Die

Herb Albert & the Tijuana Brass: Casino Royale (end credits)

I'm So-o-o-o-o Tired ...



... I'm tired all the time, easily agitated, and jealous of the people I see who get to stand around and talk while I regularly end up doing the work of three people in one eight hour shift. And what really stings it all is that I know that it doesn't matter how hard I work because the work is just going to be there when I come back because there's no one else that can do it but me.


At least Lance thanks me. At least Lance will come to be at the end of the day and tell me that he really appreciates the hard work and thanks me for helping him out. But that's not paying the bills and that's not helping me when I arrive tired and sore and too tired and grumpy to play with my daughters when I get home.


Well, it took almost six years but CONDRADULATIONS bookstore job. You've finally succeeded in breaking my spirits. I am, for lack of a better work, burned the fuck out. And tonight, after a day that is, if the pattern holds steady, will require me to once again work above and beyond my measely paycheck, Gwen will be coming over and, if there IS a god, I will get drunk.


That is what I look forward to, that and Isabela's smile and late at night when I read Emerald a good night story. Those are my real joys, my real good work, the stuff I SHOULD be taking seriously instead of other things. I need to get my priorities straight. I need to get my head together.






What I really need right now, apart from beers and sex, are a few less tears and a few more fucking laughs ...






Weird Al: You're Pitiful

Steve Galindo: The Boob Slap Song (featuring Natasha Galindo)


Monday, July 17, 2006

A Hungry Sealab Sorta Night ...

... I'm sitting here in front of the computer fucking around on my iPod and downloading kick ass music as my four year old daughter lays down on the couch and watches the first season of Sealab 2021. It's a perfect summer night so the windows are up and we're soaking in the perfectly amazing weather. I know that it's way past Emerald's bedtime but there's something about tonight that's saying fuck it, let her stay up. It's such an awesome night, lets all stay up and party and watch stupid shit and savor this amazing night.


Now if only we had enough money for food. And if only my stomach would stop screaming. And if only I could stop crying.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Short Play Written By Reverend Steve Galindo (which is 60% true) ...

(Curtain opens to a children's section of a major bookstore. We see Mr. Steve (male, 29) a long haired Latino and the manager of the department. He is shelving a big stack of chapter books and whistling to himself. Enter Goatee Customer (male, 35) from left holding a latte and a cell phone.)


STEVE: (cheery) Hi. How can I help you today?

GOATEE: Yes, I'm looking for a moleskin leather sketcher. Black. And a large size, pleeeeease.


(Silence, as Steve tries to figure out what he wants.)


STEVE: W-what was that? I'm sorry, I didn't ...

GOATEE Well, you must be new here.

STEVE: (defensive) No. I have worked with this corporation for almost six years now and ...

GOATEE: Well I think you're lying because if you had been working here for so long then you would KNOW what a moleskin sketcher was.

STEVE: Is it ... is it some sort of ... journal? Because if it is, I work in the kids section, so that would explain why I don't understand what you want. I mean ...

GOATEE: (sighs) Look, is there somebody else here who KNOWS what they're doing that can help me?


(A long silence. Goatee freezes. Steve walks upstage. Lights dim to solitary spotlight on Steve, who falls to knees and cries. Four Giant Robotic Penguins (male, twenties) appear stage right and eat Goatee, who screams in pain. Steve continues to cry.)


STEVE: Why are people so fucking stupid?

GOATEE: (screaming) HELP! SAVE ME FROM THESE ROBOTIC PENGUINS!


(A pool of blood starts forming on the floor below Goatee. The song Pink Eye Paranoia by the band Bondage Fairies starts playing as the curtain falls.)

Friday, July 14, 2006

A (manic) Day in the Life of Reverend Steve ...

5:50 am - I wake up, shower, and spend what is supposed to be daddy's "personal time" with the internet (wink wink) but ends up being daddy downloading songs and reading wrestling web sites. Not too erotic.


7:08 am - As I make coffee and some lunch, Emerald wakes up with blood covering her face and right arm. I have a small freak out but am quickly quieted by Em's calm "I just had a nosebleed, daddy." I figured she'd be crying and freaking out but no. Her poise kinda spooks me out, seeing as she's four years old and covered with blood.


8:45 am - Manager Nicolas has this great idea about how we're all going to "engage" the customers and when we do he'll give us an "engage" card and put it on a big poster of Cpt. Picard. I look at the carpet and play with my new iPod.


9:10 am - The store manager, who is supposed to be on vacation, comes in with the district manager and someone who is later identified as the head of loss prevention. They engage in a three or so hour closed door meeting with a sign scotch taped to the door saying "Do not disturb." Tensions run high and talk spreads like an Arizona summer wild fire.


10:30 am - One employee yells and cusses out another employee loudly at the customer service desk in front of a handful of customers.


11:10 am - One of the managers makes one of the female employees cry, one of my near and dear friends. I swear to god that for about five seconds I wanted to slap the shit out of whoever made her cry. I ran after her to comfort her, ended up holding her for a while in the reveiving room.


Noon - Handcuffs. That's all I can legally say about what happened. Handcuffs. Wow. Didn't see THAT one coming.


12:50 pm - Apparently someone told someone else that our store might be closing down if we have a bad x-mas of sales. I take an extra ten minute break to try to stop shaking. God. What has happened to my fucking store. Since when did it start falling to pieces like this?


1:30 pm - Overhear a customer say that the children's department, MY children's department, is one of the worst they've ever seen. Fucking teachers, man. I hate them all, the fat white conceited bitchwhores.


1:45 pm - Point blank ask the manager if our store's in danger of being shut down. She says that no, the store will more than likely be relocated somewhere around the same area as a bigger store with a music and movie and cafe section.


3:00 pm - Kyle: "Goddamn, this is the most ghetto ass fuckin' bookstore ever, man!"


4:05 pm - Manager lectures us about being professional. Someone, NOT ME, defamed the "engage" sign to say something unprofessional regarding the "handcuffs" incident. I think the manager thinks it was me who did it.


5:10 pm - Drive home listening to a shitload of MF Doom and debate if I should apply for the manager position. The last time I applied for a manager position I had two managers point blank promise the position to me only to let me down. I don't want that to happen again. Plus, I want to spend time with my wife and kids, not go to work at 6 am and leave at midnight. Screw that.


5:40 pm - I ask Emerald if she will go swimming with me in nana's pool next door. She says yes. We play horse and shark and we make wirlpools by swimming really fast around and around. I get very dizzy.


8:12 pm - Holding little Isabela, she pokes me in my right eye. It swells up a little and gets red like a Coke can.


9:48 pm - Trying to watch Smackdown but it's just not in me. I've been such a wrestling fan for so long but I just don't seem to have it in me to watch this boring rehashed WWE bullshit anymore. Instead, I try to hack into porn sites and try to wash this day out of my brain.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Tips From the Book "The Black Man's Guide to Parenting" by C.F. Gibson That Sound Vaguely Racist (including one that was made up) ...


- parenting from a distance does not work

- many black children do not do well when they have to sit still

- do not allow others to chastise your children for talking "white"

- every tub must sit in its own bottom

- do not permit your children to wear gang colors

- unstable women do not make good mothers

- many black children are thrown into Special Education for personality or conduct disorders

- too many black men don't vote because they're too busy or they're simply not interested

- show respect for women

- speaking correct english instead of "black" english will help your child succeed in school

- spousal abuse will scar your child for years to come

- if you owe money for child support, don't wait for the courts to order you to pay: pay the money

- do not allow your black male siblings to rape too many dumb white bitches

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Much Music for a Very Tired Employee ...

... yet another horrible day at the books yesterday. Dinosaur storytime was great. I had about 30 kids and a ton of adults, which is a lot for a weekday morning, but I didn't get the morning shelving done until around three in the afternoon. The kids section was shot to shit. There were stacks of books all over my desk and nothing was straightened. I mean, I know that our new morning zoning work detail people won't be doing any work in my section, once again leaving me to do everything by myself save a few bays zoned and a few shelves dusted by one of my loyal but oft stolen employees, but I thought at least the morning people could help me shelve. I mean, for fucks sake, they're shelvers! But no. I was covering the customer service desk, answering phones, cleaning the men's bathroom, shelving the morning cart all day, doing storytime, putting away that day's shipment, and (IF there was any time) selling kids books and straightening my section. I went in at 8:30 am and didn't take my first break until 1:45, followed by my lunch at sometime around 2:30, which is not only completely fucking wrong but it might even be illegal now that I think about it.


It's now a day later and I am sore all over from busting my ass all day. All I canthink of is, this is all bullshit. It's sad not that I am constantly pushing myself to my physical and mental limits, but that I'm doing that a few times a week to a chorus of uncaring silence and constant financial problems. And seeing as how tonight's the Harry Potter club, which takes me all day to get ready for, today will probably be another repeat of today, with me busting my ass yet again to little or no fanfare. If it wasn't for my Harry Potter kids, I wouldn't even want to set foot in there, no matter how tight Marisa's shirt might be.


The only thing that cheered me up is the new Format cd Dog Problems. Great fucking cd of music. I've never heard sadness sound so happy before. Oh, and I got a replacement iPod finally. If it wasn't for the new cd and the iPod, I probably would have spent last night crying about my job.


Here's some music straight from the muthafuckin' Wind Clan ...


Bloc Party: So Here We Are

U2: Summer Rain

MF Doom: Saffron (instrumental)

Porno for Pyros: Pets

The Beatles: Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End

King Geedorah: Monster Zero

Cake: I Will Survive

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Horrible Things Told to Me at Storytime (including one told to me by a complete bitch) ...


"My daddy's in prison!"

"My mom's always on the computer and she never gets off!"

"Sometimes I hate my sister so much because she never stops crying!"

"My daddy's treadmill attacked me!"

"You mean you're not ASIAN?!?"

"Mommy's always at work all the time!"

"Do you wanna see my nipples, Mr. Steve?"

"I'm wearing new panties, Mr. Steve! See?"

"Once the tooth fairy left me $100!"

"No ... (sigh) ... he really
DID get $100 from the tooth fairy."

"Bo-o-o-o-oring!"

"You did GOOD but it's just that I'm a teacher and I noticed that you did some things wrong. See, stand up. What you did is, sometimes you didn't fully show the book to the kids on your left. Here, let me sit there and show you how
I do it!"

"I don't like the way you read. Can't you just read the story?"

"You look like a girl!"

"We're not staying for storytime, not from
HIM!"

"Wipe my tears."

Sunday, July 9, 2006

Hardcore Match: Emerald VS Reverend Steve ...


...four year old former GVWA Women's Champion and vehement Simpsons fan Emerald Galindo about to tap out to a vicious blinds cord sleeper hold applied by former GVWA World Champion and leader of the Galindos, Reverend Steve!

Things I've Learned While Drinking at Gwen's ...

1) That although Pac-Man VS is indeed an awesome game, it gets even better when you've had a few beers

2) That although I have a lot of fun playing Super Smash Bros. I will never be as good at the game as Gwen's young son

3) Ketchup + Mayo + Gummi Bears + Hamburger = Orgy in your Mouth

4) That the people across the street think they're black and have infinitely better fireworks

5) That the guest house in the backyard can be used to safely, discreetly "do things"

6) That sometimes you just have to say "Ain't no way we're watching Star Wars in this condition"

7) That it is normal for Gwen's daughter Julia to randomly say things like "I will kill you if you don't say what I want you to say"

8) That Gwen gets really upset when she eats a chocolate chip shaped like Mount Rushmore

9) A whole lot about Canadian culture and language and how America is generally perceived by Canadians

10) That Gwen's house rocks ass!