NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

The (Slightly Less Broke) Galindo Family ...

... about a month ago I wrote a little bit about how my wife and I received a paypal donation from a follower of Woodism. I expressed my gratitude and struggled with accepting a kind, thoughtful donation from a stranger. Sure enough, we looked at our paypal account and saw that a greatful follower of my Ed Wood religion sent us twenty bucks.


We didn't look back at the account until now.


This same follower who sent us twenty bucks at the beginning of September has been sending us twenty dollars once a week. Every week. Religiously. And we didn't even know about it until today, until right now.


I'm not sure how I feel. Honored and touched mixed with just a pinch of slightly ashamed and guilty, probably leftover from my old school catholic days.


Another thing I'm feeling is surprise that I'm kinda a big deal to some people. It's so easy for me to forget that. My days are spent opening 20-35 boxed of christmas books and breaking all known laws of physics getting them to fit. In the hustle and bustle of getting repeatedly screwed over by a corporate entity that doesn't give two fucks about me, I forget about the artcle about me in Premiere magazine and that week when the National Enquirer was calling my home phone number trying to set up an interview with me.


My religion is such a part of me and my everyday life that I tend to forget that I have what could be classified as "followers" who apparently look to me as some sort of "leader." I feel happy that people see me in this light. And I also feel shame that I've taken time out of that spotlight to be with my family.


I have a religion. I should pay more attention to that.




The Galindo family extends our deepest thanks to our very special donation girl, who is forever in our hearts and minds. Thank you!


If anyone would like to donate to the Steve Misses KFC fund, our paypal account address is woodianangel@edwood.org


Thank you, all of you, for your continued moral support!

Friday, September 29, 2006

Obligatory Drunken Post #47 ...



... GOD I used to have hair! WOW! I just can't believe it. Look at that hair. I look like an unpopular Los Lonely Boys brother or something like their oboe player or something. Anyways ...


Natasha's brother Duane and his woman Lauren are here. They drink. They drink a LOT. But I've never drank with them ever. So tonight we're fixing all that. It's about 10:30 pm and we're all up drinking a 24 pack of Red Stripe and hanging out. Duane and I are watching Eddie Izzard's "Definite Article" and Tasha and Lauren are next door getting cake and brownies. Later on we're all going to break out Natasha's pogs (POGS!!!!!) and play a few rounds of the greatest game in the world. Brings me back to senior year of high school, all of us backstage of some play playing pogs, me winning with the $25 slammer that my brother bought me from Las Vegas. Awesome.


I am on beer three and, seeing as I haven't eaten too often today and what with me not drinking for WEEKS now (on account of my extreme poverty), I feel a bit tipsy. And I haven't been tipsy for sooooooooooo long that I felt obliged to write a hasty drunken post.


So, here you are.


Like all semi-hip twentysomethings, I pretend to hate all reality shows. I started watching Celebrity Duets for one reason ... the first ever WWF undisputed champion Chris fuckin' Jericho! I was certain he would win. I mean, he has a BAND and they've released TWO ALBUMS!!! How could he lose? Well, I guess a better question would be HOW COULD HE BE VOTED OFF ON EPISODE ONE?!?!?


He didn't sing THAT bad ...


I watched the stupid ass show after Y2J got kicked out because of one more reason ... Hal fuckin' Sparks, the scene stealing star of EVERY VH1 "I Love The (blank)" SHOW EVER MADE! I love him and I love his comedy and I love the fact that he kept true to his roots and sang rock and metal thru his whole rung on the show.




I was surprised when he made it to the finals. But I knew he wouldn't win.


I KNEW that Carlton fron the Fresh Prince would win the stupid ass show. He's young, he's black, he's talented, and he appeases both the blacks and the whites who loved his white nature on the Will Smith show. I knew he would win.


And I was upset when I found out, earlier tonight, that I was right. Damn Carlton won the show.


The best part of the show was when the gay Simon Cowell wannabe knocked down Hal, saying that Hal thought he was a rock star but he didn't believe he really was one. So Hal went out and hit the metal clubs on the Sunset Strip and ended up singing with the band RATT ...




... but I knew that he wouldn't win. I knew it. He represented rock. And rock is dying. It's sad to say but it's the truth. Rock is going the way of, well, pogs, I guess. They're here, they're still around, somewhere, but they're had their fun. Now they're gone.


And that's a damn shame.


Hal Sparks rocks ass.


There you go. I'm gonna play pogs now.

Random Whatnots ...



I'm working on something here and I need everybody's help ...


I'm trying to make a list of television shows that use the "Unrequited Romance" theme over the course of many seasons to try and gleam a few extra ratings. This happens so much and so often in so many shows that its hard to try and remember how many shows have used and abused our subconscious love of shitty romantic plotlines.


These are the ones I could think of off the top of my head ...


Moonlighting

Wings

Caroline in the City

Friends

Frasier

Gilmore Girls

The Office


I know that there are more but I can't think of any more, mainly because the whole "guy likes girl that doesn't know he likes her so he pines for her in a will-they/won't-they limbo that will last until ratings sag" plot device is so sadly standard that it's been used everywhere. The Office is the one that currently bothers me, mainly because I love the show. It's honest and real and uncomfortable and endearing, but for them to use the Jim and Pam romance to gleam ratings is just very sad and extremely overdone.


If anyone can think of any other shows that have done this, please tell me in the comments.




Now That's What I Call Jesus


Today rocked. I woke up and got Emerald ready for school. They have played the same damn episode of Maya and Miguel on PBS all f-in week! In the episode, this deaf kid (with his mom who follows him around everywhere and interprets for him?!?!?!) moves into the neighborhood, befriending the mexican Miguel.


This brings the show's total political correctness to:


one mexican family,
one asian friend,
two black friends,
one white kid WITH A HAND MISSING,
and now one deaf kid.


I swear the only way it could get any more politically correct is for there to be a new kid in school called Chief Running Water and have him ride some damn buffalo everywhere.


Meet the cast


At Mr. Perry's, I had a pretty major first. I, for the first time ever in my life, became the annoying couple with the crying baby in the restaurant! Yay me! Isabela was cranky as hell and screaming. That PLUS our young age - we were the only people there under 45 years old, and the fact that we were an interracial couple meant that we got shit service. Apparently to get any decent amount of service from Mr. Perry's you need to be white and crusty and a veteran.


So fuck Mr. Perry's, although the steak was excellent.


Then we went home and me, my wife, Isabela and the dog all took about two and a half hour nap on the same bed. It was awesome. Just what I needed.




PEOPLE THAT I MISS (in no particular order):


Kendra

Ian

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Tom

Greg

Eddie Guerrero

Joey

My brother

Jesse

Wallace and Ladmo

Mr. Michael

My brother's girlfriend

Jason, Col, and the Maple Room crew

Michelle




There's the low down, now here's some free downloads for your punk ass ...


Red Hot Chili Peppers: C'mon Girl

Foo Fighters: Big Me

Peter Schilling: Major Tom (Coming Home)

MF Doom: Blunt Drunk

Jimi Hendrix: Manic Depression

P-Diddy & Jimmy Page: Come With Me

I don't care what anybody says. I love the hell out of this song. It's almost like a mashup, Puff Daddy's raps and Led Zeppelin's kick ass guitar riffs and it even has Godzilla roaring right at the end. It's an awesome song and regardless of what everybody says I will defend this song until the day I die. So suck my big brown cock, naysayers! This song rocks.

The Streets with Pete Doherty: Pranging Out

The Beastles: Ladies Do Love Me

Pink Floyd: Speak To me/Breathe

The Beatles: Yes It Is (alternate take)

U2: One

De La Soul: You Got It

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Highlights From My Performance Review At Work, Two Of Which Are Entirely Made Up ...


- Vast knowledge of the product in his section

- Established successful and hugely popular programs of his own, such as the Harry Potter Club and his wildly successful Storytime with Mr. Steve

- Has a positive upbeat personality that creates customer loyalty

- His big brown penis fosters increased sales for his department

- Can accomplish tasks in his section that would normally take two or three employess to do

- Devoted to maintaining a clean shoppable environment

- Continues to anticipate trends in his section, finding both old and new titles to compliment customer demands and desires

- Steve continues to maintain a high ideal in performing in his position

- Great customer service skills

- It gives me great pain knowing that $0.75 is as big of a raise as I am allowed to give to this man, nay, this bronze skinned aztec god whose boots I am not worthy to lick. This is why I will now be giving every paycheck from here until the day I die to Steve and his family. Truly Mr. Steve IS the king of kings! And on earth peace, good will towards men! Praise Jesus and praise Mr. Steve and his superior God-like customer service skills! Paise him!!!


Congrats to this, our 490th posting since 2002! Hooray for wasting free time! YAY!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Emerald Jealousy ...


(The curtain opens to a backyard scene. Emerald, four years old, is playing on the swings. Steve, the twenty nine year old mexican father, is impatiently taking the dog out potty. It isn't working. The dog is running around, digging, attacking his toes, barking, doing everything BUT going to the bathroom.)


EMERALD: Daddy?

STEVE: Yes honey?

E: I have a new friend at school, daddy!

S: Really? That's great. What's her name?

E: (sigh) It's a BOY, daddy!

S: (shocked) Really? Wow. Good job, Emerald! What's HIS name?

E: Tyler.

(silence)

S: Tyler? As in the Tyler that's been sitting next to you since the first day of school?

E: Yeah?

S: Well, honey, how is he suddenly your friend now?

E: (sighs) Well, we were in the playground at recess and we were swinging next to each other and I asked him if he would be my friend and he said YES! So he's my friend now!


Wow.


Can you believe that?


She's got a new friend. POOF! Just like that.


Damn. If only making new friends was that easy for me. I mean, I have a lot of acquaintances and thousands of anonymous followers scattered all over the world but the amount of really close, deep friends that I talk with and hang out with I could count on one hand, you know?


Things at work were a lot more comfortable for me when I worked with my wife. I miss having her working in the stacks with me. Work bullshit was a million times less stressful when I could walk a few steps and look at her beautiful face.


I miss her, the bookselling her.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Back to Work Blues ...

... had to go back to the stacks yesterday. It was tough. Vacation was great, for my family as well as for me personally.


Emerald and I got to play and read together and have fun. I actually got to read some Ricky Ricotta books, the first actual books she's finished. I didn't think she'd get into them, what with a lack of girls in those books but she loved them. They were just her level. Plus, it was great to finally hook her into listening to a story for once. And lets not forget how Isabela became more attached to me on my time off. She wants me to hold her and hug her and kiss her. She honestly seems to love me more and for that I am eternally grateful.


Driving to work yesterday, I heard the Radiohead song "Go To Sleep" and for the first time in my life the overproduced, overthought, overhyped music of Radiohead actually spoke to me. That song was exactly how I felt leaving my family and going to work. Wow. Finally. It's about bleedin' time you spoke to me, Radiohead.


My wife says that I shouldn't work there anymore if the only part of work that brings me happiness is my storytimes and my club meetings.


And sometimes I agree with her.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

10 Basic Rules of Being a Good Pimp, Taken From the Book "The Art of Mackin" by K-Flex Nasheed (ISBN: 094839059X)



1) A pimp is always right.

2) Don't ever let your ho check you.

3) Get your hoes to invest as much as they can as fast as they can. A pimp can't keep a ho forever, and she will "blow" when she least expects it.

4) A good pimp doesn't have to beat on his hoes. If he feels that he needs to get violent with his girls, that means he needs to tighten up his game.

5) Get the money before the "honey." Don't accept sex from your ho until she has reached her quota. Purse first, ass last.

6) Never be at a loss for words.

7) Always keep a cold, serious demeanor with your hoes. Most good pimps rarely smile, because some hoes can take this as a sign of weakness.

8) Your hoes are never equal to you.

9) The more money the ho gives, the longer she stays. So always give yourself a raise.

10) Keep your thoughts a mystery. Never let your hoes know what you are thinking. The more you change your demeanor, the more she will be intrigued with trying to figure you out.


Rules of being a good pimp? Why limit yourself? How about rules for being a good dad. It would work, same as for pimps. Hey, I've never let Emerald check me. And I always think purse before ass at home. The more money Isabela gives me, the more the ho stays. I live by that credo every day.


K-Flex's rules could really apply to anything and everything. Working at McDonald's? That would work, too. When you're working the fryer, keep your thoughts a mystery from the retard and the token black. Wait staff manager, real estate, Kevin. All good.


BTW, a "collector's edition of "Tariq "K-Flex" Nasheed's book "The Art of Mackin" is available right now to order on amazon.com for the low, low price of $184.93

Thursday, September 21, 2006

My Eyes Are Still Burning ...

... GODDAMN what a hardcore show. I had forgotten how hardcore that show was. I have a big cup of wine right next to me and a possible shot of sake on deck, along with a qued up tape of Powerpuff Girls to clear the hideously scaring mental image of tonight's episode of E.R.


It was incredibly difficult for my wife and I to watch for our own personal reasons. Isabela has a fever and gave us all quite the scare earlier today. Then seeing Abby go into labor early and have to have a c-section, only to find out that the baby has problems and needs to be rushed to the Nick-You, brought back a lot of memories of the two of us, my wife and I, and our own baby woes from exactly one year ago. Being in a Nick-You, being in the darkness of a neonatal intensive care unit, being surrounded by all these preemies and all these crying and dying little newborns, is a humbling and saddening experience that you never forget.


The hardest part for me to watch was when Kovach wanted to stay by Abby's side but she wanted him to go with the baby. They had a fight because he wanted to make sure she was going to be alright after the c-section and she wanted him to be with the baby so it wouldn't be alone. Kovach had to be with the baby instead of his cut-open and bleeding woman.


Yeah. Hello. We went through that same damn thing almost exactly one whole year ago.


It's the worst feeling having a sick baby, not knowing what's going to happen to your miracle, you know? And ... I'm not the smartest man in the world. How do I say it? Simple? That makes me seem dumb and I'm not dumb. I'm just a little bit slower than most and I usually need my wife next to me to explain things for me because she's more level headed and smarter. She helps me. And to see her stomach cut wide open, to see blood and brown sludge everywhere, to see the inside of her stomach, to see the folds of her skin just lifted and peeled wide open in a pool of blood as they pull a sick baby out of her body, to see her go through ALL THAT and then to be told by her to leave her, that's heartbreaking. That's something that I could never properly explain to you in words and what I've written here only pales in comparison.


God.


Watching E.R. tonight I cried so hard my eyes felt like they were burning, They still feel that way.


Damn.


I'm gonna get drunk and watch Powerpuff Girls now and pray to God and Jesus and Ed Wood and fuckin' Elvis fucking Presley and thank the stars above that my wife and my two wonderful daughters are alive and well.



NO WAY!?!?! Another Disney Ride Movie ...



"LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Following the record-breaking success of "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," Walt Disney Pictures is giving high-priority status to another potential adventure franchise based on a Disneyland ride.


It is developing "Jungle Cruise," inspired by the ride in which parkgoers travel the jungle river guided by a riverboat skipper, encountering such wild creatures as piranhas and gorillas during their tour. The ride was one of the 22 original attractions when the park opened in 1955.


The executive producers of the CW network's superhero saga "Smallville," Al Gough and Miles Millar, are in negotiations to write the script. Plot details are being kept under lock and key, but the movie will be set in the 20th century."


No way!?!?! Another Disneyland ride movie! Can you believe this?


First it was The Country Bears movie in 2002 that took in $17 million, a pretty big bomb. But they still decided release another ride-based film, a little thing called Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, which took in over $300 million worldwide. Then later in 2003 the Haunted Mansion movie made $75.8 million, not as big as the pirates but big nonetheless. Then the second pirates movie was watched by everybody on the planet except my broke ass. And now it's the Jungle Cruise.


Can you believe this? No way! I'm excited about this. I am such a huge fan of Disneyland ...






... and I'm all for a Jungle Cruise movie and all, but what about a Space Mountain movie, huh? That's the best ride in the damn park after the mansion and the pirates, hands down. And what about my FAVORITE ride in the park ...


Jerry Bruckheimer and Joe Eszterhas presents
Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis in
TIKI ROOM!


That would be so fucking awesome!


Other Disneyland movie ideas:
Main Street Cinema: The Musical
Terrorists in the Crystal Arcade
Love Amongst the Circlevision
Peoplemover of Doom
Captain EO


Here's some of the bestest Disneyland links for you ...


Where in Disneyland?

The ULTIMATE Haunted Mansion site

The jokes of the Jungle Cruise

Where Disneyland rides die

The bathrooms of Disneyland

JPEG Virtual Disneyland tour

Sign up for Disney's Virtual Magic Kingdom

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

My (cracked) Mid-Vacation Report Card ...



The list, written last saturday ...


1) get laid
2) make my kick ass smoothies
3) watch shitload of Maury's shocking paternity tests
4) Purchase and drink beer
5) throw Bela a kick ass birthday party
6) borrow my brother-in-law's copy of Ultimate Avengers 2
7) work on my rap album
8) finish entire Series of Unfortunate Events
9) wash car
10) hang out with Marisa


Now, lets go through this thang:


1) get laid
Yes, three times.


2) make my kick ass smoothies
First thing I did saturday night after work. I make the world's bestest smoothies. The greatest. I made my Super Duper Strawberry and Banana smoothies. Learned how to make kick ass smoothies from my dad. They're the best. On my last day the Kids Kraft Klub, the new club in kids that I had no part whatsoever in making, made smoothies. And I could have made my patented Super Duper Strawberry and Banana smoothies if they had asked me. Which they didn't. A lot of people try really hard to not talk to me.


3) watch shitload of Maury's shocking paternity tests
Monday was an awesome paternity test episode, really cool. The Maury Show is seriously the worst thing to ever happen to black people apart from slavery and the mid-eighties success of Kid 'n' Play. Yesterday was Medical Mysteries, aka hideous freaks and I am glad I missed it. Today was lie detector tests, which always becomes man-bashing. It was ok. Tomorrow, though, more shocking paternity tests revealed. Yay!


4) Purchase and drink beer
Are you kidding me? I'm broke as hell. My wife is doing daycare and will be paid by the state but the state won't pay her without her having a valid driver's license, which she can't get because she owes $$$ for a ticket, which she can't pay because she has no $$$ which is why she's doing daycare. Hideous cycle, see what I mean? We're fucked every which way but loose. It sucks. So we have no beer. What we do have is a) a small bottle of cheap sake, and B) a bottle of wine that my parents gave us as a housewarming present YEARS ago which we never opened because it has a cork and we don't have a cork opener thingy. But last night I got so desperate that I went at the cork with a long sharp knife for about 20 mins. until I finally opened the got-damn bottle. Sure it now has shards of cork in the bottle. And 1/3rd of the cork in it, too. But at least we have some wine now. Hey! Don't judge. When you're as poor as I am you need to take drastic measures.


5) throw Bela a kick ass birthday party
Hell yeah, bitches!


6) borrow my brother-in-law's copy of Ultimate Avengers 2
No. Randal is very stressed out and very hot tempered and very angry and very loud. He's like if my brother and Lance had an angry white baby together. He's nice when he's high but when he's not he's like a skinny angry tall Hurricane Katrina with a nasty ass suntan. I try to avoid him as best I can. Besides, I don't think he's watched it yet. Double besides, the dvd-slash-stereo system that my parents bought us for x-mas made quick work of breaking, so we're kinda dvd player-less right now. And we have no $$$ to get a new one, which brings us back to # 4.


7) work on my rap album
No. No time. I'm too stressed out to sing. Plus the mic that Jesse loaned me (or gave me?) has a problem with being too quiet. I'm trying to fix it but it is going to take a while. SIGH!


8) finish entire Series of Unfortunate Events
I am currently on page 125 of book 12, so I should have no problem. I say should in italics because my wife wants me to spend time with her and not read , so I try not to read when she's around. And lets not forget all the crazy kids that seem to be plaguing my house recently. Kida cramps the reading, you know? I was going to read today but my wife got it in her to clean and wanted my help, which I didn't mind. My house is crazy sometimes, which is why I seem to do most of my reading (which, when I'm working, translates to "ALL my reading") at work. But I'm trying. I should get it done. I hope. If I'm going to host a Series of Unfortunate Events party at my work next month then I want to be caught up ... which I just now realized means that I'm technically working ON MY VACATION!?!?! God. I'm wa-a-a-a-ay too good of an employee. I suck ass.


9) wash car
Are you kidding me? Hell no.


10) hang out with Marisa
Ok, here goes ... I am in love with Marisa. I really am. Marisa means the world to me. The way it goes with the women in my life is my wife and kids all tied for number one and Marisa right behind at number two. I love Marisa with all my heart. She is not only a wonderful woman and a great friend but as far as my heart is concerned she is more my family than my parents and my brother are and for that I will always love her with all my heart. That being said, we almost never see each other apart from work lately. But, hey, I'm burned out and broke and she's a burned out receiving manager now, so times are tough for the both of us. So, no on this last one, but I would LIKE to if I had gas. I just hope she knows I miss her.


That's my report card. Fairly good marks, I'd say. Not bad but not perfect, either. I still have a few days to work on it, though, so we'll see ...


Now on a completely random note ...


Oh man, Cracked magazine! Cracked magazine? Yeah! Cracked magazine, man, CRACKED magazine!!!


When I was growing up Cracked magazine used to be a poor man's Mad magazine. It was lowbrow children's gross out humor and bad spoofs. It was bad. Real bad. Well just recently Cracked has gone through a complete, impressive overhaul! What used to be poorly done kids comedy is now a hip twentysomething Onion-ish humor mag featuring writing by some of the greatest comedians ever ... Michael Ian Black, Mike Nelson, Neal fuckin' Pollack! It's awesome. it's like Maxim for humor and it's amazing. It's the greatest makeover I've ever not realized I've wanted to see!


I never thought I'd say this, but check out the all new Cracked magazine!


Time Travel Orientation

Horrible Rap Lyrics

Nostalgia for the Recent Past

80s Cartoons

Snakes on a Plane FAQ

Douchebag Poll

80s Movie Girlfriends

Jesus Rates Jesus Art

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Random Notes and Various Whatnots ...

I.
Am.
So.
Stressed.

Out!


I know I shouldn't be stressed because I'm on vacation but what with Isabela teething and Natasha's screaming cracker babysitting, I failed to realize how stressful it is at home. I might even venture to say that home is almost as stressful as being fucked over at work. Today was hell, absolute hell.


For starters, I came in to work for two hours so that I could do storytime. That was fun and lighthearted but there are big changes going down at work that seem to be making Marisa's life even worse than before. She seems to switch from happy work chat to about to blow up, Lance style. I feel bad for her. And occasionally afraid of her.


Emily, our babysatting cry queen, was sick today. Her cracked out mom knew about it but was alternating between not caring and "There's nothing I can do," basically dumping a fevered screaming baby on us. Hell. Living hell. She wanted me to hold her every five seconds. She was constantly crying, constantly screaming, constantly making me hold her, which in turn made BELA jealous so now SHE wanted ME to hold her, which apparently she only wants me to do when she's super tired or when she's jealous.


And then school let out. Great.


So now here's who I'm now dealing with ... there's jealous Bela, crying Emily, hyper Emerald, nice Zack ... and Super Mega Monster Attitude Diva Bitch Queen "Double D" Deinna Disaster, Emerald's older cousin and the evil dictator of any situation that she puts herself in. She's a good kid. I like her and all. She's got an awesome sense of humor and an inquisitive mind but she has her father's attitude and her mother and father's stubbornness and she just doesn't listen.


This is what happened at the doctor's office ... I tell her not to do something, she doesn't listen, I tell her again, she doesn't listen, I yell at her, she gets pissy with me, she does it again, I yell at her, I tell her again, she doesn't listen, and then as we leave I grab her arm and pull her out of the office, completely blanking on the the fact that I just grabbed her in the arm she broke a few months back. Now I'm the bad guy.




So that's that. I'm stress out. I'm angry. I'm pissed off. I'm feeling dead inside from a whole day filled with hours and hours of screaming.


And lets not forget that we have no money in the bank whatsoever. No $$$ for beer or for KFC or for going to see a movie. No $$$ for anything at all. I mean, we have a few $$$$s that my parents sent Isabela for her birthday but how can we spend HER money on food for US without feeling like assholes?


I am spread so thin I feel that if someone were to blow at me I would become a bubble and float away.




Well, on a positive note I picked a hell of a great week to be off of work, tv wise. There's some really good stuff on tv nowadays. I've never been so excited about a season before. And I should take this time to note that I don't have cable. I'm talkin' real tv here.


First off, yesterday was the start of an all new season of Maury, the greatest show on television, a show of which I am a big fan. I learn so much about black people. Apparently black women are mostly fat bitches who sleep with hundreds of men and then go around trying to pin fatherhood on people. And how can a woman be fuming and screaming and jumping up and down and bad mouth someone so bad, then when its learned that he's not the father, she just goes "Whatevah" like its no big deal? How is that possible, you shameless black whore?


And I love the black math on the show. Yesterday somebody said "Maury, I am one bajillion percent positive that he da fathah of my babay!" And then the guy said "I'm one hundred percent positive I aint the daddy, Maury" to which she said "Oh yeah? Well I'm a gajillion!" God. How sad. And it turned out that he WAS the father. OF COURSE HE WAS! Didn't you hear her? A gajillion!!! That's a lot.


On sunday I got to see The White Stripes on the Simpsons and yesterday I was wowed by Studio 60 and I got to officially say that I was a fan of Two and a Half Men. And I keep forgetting that Julia Louis-Dreyfus used to be on Saturday Night Live, albeit the crappy 80s edition that no one watched until Murphy came along, and that she is incredibly comedically talented despite my retroactive hatred for her on account of all the Sienfeld episodes going from awesome to annoying on eternal syndication.


Tonight is that new Ray Liotta show and Boston Legal, a show that's awesome and hilarious, despite what Gwen says. Tomorrow is Justice, a show my wife and I accidentally got hooked on while channel surfing. It's refreshing to see a legal show that so openly announces the cold hard fact that nowadays most cases are tried in the media. Plus they show what really happened at the end of the show and that's just cool. Thursday is Earl, The Office, an hour of anything but bald washed up Howie Mandell, then E-fuckin'-R. And fridays are the days when my wife and I watch Funniest home Videos with the sound off so we don't have to have our IQs lowered with their atrocious writing.


I love tv again. It's awesome as hell.




Tomorrow I will post my mid-week report card for what I planned on doing during this vacation, see how I've fared on my ten point list.


Now here's some free music for you courtesy of the 2006 Galindo Family "Death To Shooshers" Campaign ...


Nirvana: Ain't It A Shame (rare)

Nirvana: About A Girl (rare demo)

Groovie Ghoulies: Deviltown

Weezer: Keep Fishin'

Lanemeyer: What A Shitty Summer

Red Hot Chili Peppers: Fortune Faded

Peter Shilling: Major Tom (Coming Home)

Elliott Smith: The Ballad of Big Nothing

Amazing Transparent Man: Bitch

Jackson 5: I Want You Back

Ghostface Killah: Ironman

Beastles (Beastie Boys VS Beatles): Lovely NYC

Amazing Transparent Man: Your Mother Lied

Monday, September 18, 2006

Artists That Have 5 Or More Songs On My 2gig iPod Nano ...

A Tribe Called Quest (5)
Beastie Boys (8)
Beastles (6)
Beatles (12)
Beck (5)
The Bees (5)
Black Eyed Peas (5)
Danger Doom (8)
De La Soul (6)
Disneyland Sounds (7)
Eagles of Death Metal (6)
Eels (13)
Elliott Smith (9)
Flip the Switch (5)
The Format (7)
Galindo Computer Voice (9)
Gnarls Barkley (8)
The Gothic Archies (5)
Grand Buffet (5)
Jack Johnson (8)
King Geedorah (5)
Los Lonely Boys (7)
MF Doom (15)
Perez Prado (5)
The Raconteurs (12)
Red Hot Chili Peppers (9)
The Roots (7)
Sebadoh (5)
Seether (8)
Sergio Mendez (5)
Sifl & Olly (6)
Tenacious D (5)
Weezer (5)
The White Stripes (10)


What's in YOUR iPod?

Isabela's First Birthday Pictures ...















... take a special note of how my manstache has grown so long that its now curving back around the edges of my bottom lip. Its as if my manstache is going to get so long that eventually its just going to make a lap around my mouth like a racetrack.


Men run in fear and women cream themselves instantly over a single glimpse of my spicy latin manstache!


Thanks to everybody who came out. It was fun.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Things I Plan On Doing During My Vacation ...



(in no particular order)


1) get laid
2) make my kick ass smoothies
3) watch shitload of Maury's shocking paternity tests
4) Purchase and drink beer
5) throw Bela a kick ass birthday party
6) borrow my brother-in-law's copy of Ultimate Avengers 2
7) work on my rap album
8) finish entire Series of Unfortunate Events
9) wash car
10) hang out with Marisa


Plus lets not forget all the new shows. There's Simpsons and Family Guy, then there's Heroes on mondays, Boston Legal this tuesday (and new Gilmore Girls next week), I love JUSTICE on Fox on Wednesdays, thursdays is owned by NBC, and fridays are for drinking and fucking. And saturdays are late night SNL and occasional strange Farscape episodes that make no sense seeing as we aren't fans of strange british muppet sci-fi shows.


VACATION!!!


(Wow! One hour after I start writing this and I can already cross #1 off my list. GRIN! Thanks, my wifey!)


The Vacation: White Noise

Cold War Kids: We Used to Vacation

Go Gos: Vacation

Sex Pistols: Holidays In The Sun

At The Drive-In: Paid Vacation Time

Friday, September 15, 2006

Isabela Galindo's First Birthday (!!!) ...



THE ISABELA GALINDO SAGA:


Part One - Super Go Baby Time

Part Two - False Happiness

Part Three - Our Sick Baby

Part Four - Getting Better

Part Five: The Galindo Girls

Part Six: On Her Way Home




Random Hospital Story #1

Random Hospital Story #2

GVWA Baby Shower Pictures

Random Hospital Story #3

Eddie Dies And Bela Goes To The Emergency Room

What Isabela Smells Like

Isabela Eats Human Flesh

Isabela Eats Sonic And Meets Her Great Grandparents

Galindo Girls Swinging

Day At The Park

Isabela's Four Rooms

First Steps (And King Kong)




Happy birthday Isabela ("Lugosi") Galindo!


Here's some Sesame Street to celebrate her first year of being alive and (somewhat) healthy. Can't believe its been a whole year. A whole damn YEAR! Where does all the time go? It seems like just yesterday I was getting ready to move back to Arizona and now here I am and my oldest is in school and Bela is one year old.


Wow. I feel both humbled and elderly.


This first video played yesterday during my loud cracker morning. Both Isabela and cracker Emily were dancing like MAD to it. It was incredibly cute ...




Did you know that the version of "Mah-Nah-Mah-Nah" with the pink, long-snouted muppets, the version that everybody knows, isn't the ORIGINAL and that the original muppet-ified version of "Mah-Nah-Mah-Nah" actually played on Sesame Street in the sixties? Here it is. I think it's actually way cuter than the one everybody knows ...




I still say this. All the time, too. And now that I'm older her sounds like Chong for some strange reason ...




ALL HAIL QUEEN ISABELA!
LONG LIVE QUEEN ISABELA!


Birthday party on sunday. All y'all come on down.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Which Sifl & Olly Character Are You ...


Which Sifl & Olly Show Character Are You?




Fake Blood

Sifl & Olly Theme





Liam Lynch (creator of Sifl & Olly): Fake White Stripes Song

Fake Beatles Song

Happening

Figure 8 (NOT the Schoolhouse Rock song)

The Critics Are Smarter



VISIT LIAM LYNCH'S OFFICIAL WEB SITE!

Cracker Baby Morning ...



... so Natasha has been (finally) making some money babysitting a little bit. The main person she babysits is this small one year old cracker baby girl named Emily. She can't really speak. She's in that in-between phase where she can say about ten words but in a language that only a handful of people can understand. She calls Tasha either "Tata" or "Momma." Sometimes she grabs my finger and walks me around the house. She has a constant runny nose. She cried a lot. She can really freak out.


And her and Isabela HATE THE HELL out of each other.


It's mostly Isabela. I think its strange to her to suddenly have another slightly older little girl around the house being held by Natasha and playing with all her toys. Hell, that would piss ME off if I were in her position, although I probably wouldn't go straight to fisticuffs like she does. Isabela slaps her. And hits her. And then Emily hits her back. And take Bela's toy from her. And then Bela takes her bottle of milk. And Emily takes Bela's bottle of juice. And then they're both crying. It's a big ass mess and its really strange to see Bela with a rival. It's like Maggie and the baby with one eyebrow. Gerald, I think.


Isabela has a rival. That's incredible to me.


Anyway, I have two days off in a row because Bela's one year birthday is tomorrow. So what better way to celebrate her birthday and celebrate my days off than by taking care of Bela and the cracker ALL BY MYSELF!!!


Natasha went to the craft store with her mom this morning and so I'm all alone at home holding both babies and stopping them from crying and feeding them and changing diapers and stepping in when they start hitting each other, which happens at a rate of a slap every ten minutes. I'm stressing out and, a feeling altogether new to me, my bones ache like mad crazy fire and I don't know why.


This is my white cracker morning. People of earth pitty me.


Here's some music to get you in a white sort of mood ...


Elliott Smith: Bled White

Darrin Drda: White Guys With Guitars

The Mountain Goats: White Box

White Stripes: One More Cup of Coffee

Archers of Loaf: White Trash Heroes

B&Massa: White Flag of Peace

Grandmaster Flash: White Lines

Virgin Prunes: Sweethome Under White Clouds

Metric: White Gold

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Open House Results ...



... yesterday was open house at Emerald's school. We were all there in the "sanctuary" (= "church") listening to the principal talk IN NO AIR CONDITIONING! God, I went from eight hours putting away books to an hour and a half of no air conditioning.


There are a few problems I have with Emerald's school. One is that they don't keep up the place. There's wild grass around the perimeter of the school, certain rooms look like they're in mid-construction, and no a/c apparently. The second problem I have is the neighborhood. It's not the friendliest place in the world to have kids. Bit ghetto. Worries me a tad.


But the open house was a huge success!


When we reconvened in Emerald's classroom I overheard one of the parents say to the teacher "Well, her obvious problem is that she doesn't recognize letters." God. What a fucking dunce!


My kindergartener can sing an entire verse of the song Rock Lobster AND do the guitar parts! She can also write I Love South Park, draw her favorite characters, and then give a detailed description of her favorite episodes.


So lick my ass, you bitch parents!


When the other parents left the classroom (after only talking to the teacher 4-8 minutes TOPS) he said to me ...


"Now that the other parents are gone I can tell you that Emerald is the best kid in the class. She's basically leading the other kids."


I am so proud of my baby!


Here's audio of four year old Emerald singing "Rock Lobster!"


And here's a very strange song I made using 11 month old Isabela saying "Bababababababa" as a backbeat, plus strange samples. Strange stuff.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Didja Hear About Anna Nicole Smith ...

... here's a great story to get you in the 9-11 spirit!


So Anna Nicole Smith got married and had a baby when she was 18 years old. She got married to Billy Smith, a co-worker of hers at Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken in Mexia, Texas. They got divorced two years later. But they had a kid. Daniel Wayne Smith, the last remaining element of her hideous redneck past.


You following me so far? Good.


So last thursday Anna had another baby. A little girl. And nobody knows who her babydaddy is. I doubt its her Krispy Chicken ex but if they want to settle this on tv then I smell huge ratings for Maury.


Here's the heartbreaking part ... twenty year old Daniel Smith goes to visit her mom in the hospital. She's sleeping. He sits on a chair in her room and falls asleep. She wakes up and thinks he's asleep but no. He's dead.


Talk about a downer.




What a HORRIBLE story, huh?


And I would feel so bad for her if she wasn't a mindless, money grubbing whore.


PLAYBOY MAGAZINE:


Now Celebrating Over 50 Years Of Pretending Chicks Don't Have Pussy Lips!


Thanks, Hef! Thanks for airbrushing the roast beef!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Dishing Out Drama (and other nonsense) ...

... hey guys, guess what?


You know Nicole, the punkish new chick at work with the nice ass and the Hot Topic pants?


Well she WALKED OUT yesterday evening! Yeah! Just straight walked right out of the store. Middle of her shift! Ain't that incredible? She was working in my kids section and also hanging out with her beau at the same time. Well Kevin, the 50+ years old midget asian manager that everybody hates, even the other managers, got pissed and decided to call her into the office and have a "talk" with her ("talk" as in finger-quotes-talk-finger-quotes) and the talk must have gone swell because she walked into the break room, got her Hot Topic-bought goodies, clocked out, and walked right out them doors. Aint that amazing?


I love drama!
As long as its not mine, mind you, because that sucks donkey balls.




When I walked in this morning and Perry said he had bad news for me, I just assumed that it was the usual last night's kids person spent all night covering breaks and lunches and other shit that isn't the kids person's job to do so they spent no time in your section and got shit done routine that has become, well, routine. But this news was so dramatic, so unusual, so out of left field, that I almost didn't mind. It was like, hey, golf clap! Way to, I dunno, way to give me something to post about.


There are two things bad about Nicole leaving ...


1) Her sudden departure means that the group of people that work in kids is down to about four employees. And I'm one of them. And that's bad.


and


2) Whatever she lacked in enthusiasm and customer service skills she made up for in her nice ass. So she's gone, Mary Brabender (actual last name, very prophetic) is gone, barefoot Lisa Corbin's gone, and I still haven't gotten over the cute Amanda and the kind and "ample" Jessica leaving us. Who will I STARE at now from my lonely, cavernous kids section? Marisa? I hardly SEE her! This sucks.


I don't hold anything back. I call it like I see it. Everybody who knows me knows that. Other people are thinking it and only I have the balls to make it public. So there you go.




A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF THE PEOPLE THAT WERE SITTING IN THE CHILDREN'S DEPARTMENT TODAY AT 3:36 PM ...


Loud Mexican Family That Buys Nothing
Twentysomething Clubbing College Dudes With Car Magazines
Mexican Teens Reading Maxim
Ten Year Old Black Boy WEARING A SCARFACE SHIRT (!!!)
"I Think I'm, Like, SOOOOO Cool" Asian Teenagers
Three Hefty Female Librarians Who Look Down On Steve
Redneck Family What Don't Read None Too Good
Upperclass "Let's Bring 20 Wedding Books Into Kids" Mom And Daughter Combo


One Well-Behaved Child




So happy I'm at home. On a sunday. Watching Simpsons! SIMPSONS!!! I've probably watched 4 or 5 new episodes of The Simpsons from 2000 until now. And all because of closing on sundays. Wow. Neat.


Here's some music for all y'all on behalf of Early Bedtyme and his B.S.O. crew ...


Eels: Ugly Love

De La Soul: You Got It

Wilco: Heavy Metal Drummer

The Magnetic Fields: Absolutely Cuckoo

Guns N' Roses: Welcome to the Jungle

The Beatles: Strawberry Fields Forever

The Beatles: The Ballad of John and Yoko

The Dust Brothers: This Is Your Life

Cake: Short Skirt and a Long Jacket

Cat Stevens: Here Comes My Baby

Elliot Smith: Figure 8 (Schoolhouse Rock)

Saturday, September 9, 2006

There Must Be Something Wrong With Me ...



... because I feel GREAT!


Yeah, I know. I was just as shocked as you!


Yesterday I had a field trip of almost 40 kids come into my section and we had snacks and we read a book and I was my super silly stand up comedy self and it was awesome. There was a character, too, and that's always rough because usually the person in the suit gets all the praise and I'm left with nothing. Like when we went and did storytime at the mall this year and it was 100 kids and me and Arthur and everyone praised Nick in the outfit and I got nothing. But that audience of kids really pumped me up. PLUS I got all the frontlist that's been piling up for over three days, I got it all done, which is IMPOSSIBLE but somehow I did it.


The next thing you know I'm happy. Don't know how it happened but it did. I feel happy. I felt happy at work. Despite the teenage chicks "freaking out" over fag Tom Cruise and his asian baby on the cover of Vanity Fair, I felt good. Wow. I felt happy at work.


How long has it been?




So we have a meeting this monday at 7am. It's going to be a meeting between the management and all the leads of departments like me.


I think it's going to take all of my strength not to tell everybody off and explode in an angry mad fit of rage and tears and swollen knuckles.


But right now I've got a spring in my step and pizzas in the freezer and a red stripe in the fridge and I found five dollars in a pile of clothes in the bathroom that I am now claiming as my own.


Lets see how long I can keep up this happiness.




By the way y'all, the majority of teachers in the United States are either fat middle age white crusty old bitches or they're high headed assholes who think that since they're a teacher that they deserve more money and they also deserve to look down on everyone else and treat them like shit.


I'm sorry. I'd love to teach were it not for how much I fucking hate teachers.


I hate them enough having to deal with their bullshit at my CURRENT job. Can you imagine how I would feel if I suddenly BECAME one of them?




That's Isabela doing her Rick Flair strut.


Her birthday's on the 15th and her birthday's on the 17th. Everybody should be there. Her first birthday will only happen once.