NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Hallelujah Night ...


... if you can BELIEVE it, my family and I are right now (sigh) off to Emerald's christian private school to participate in their big Hallelujah Night party.


This is not a Halloween party. Hallelujah. It is a Hallelujah Night party. I'm going to Hallelujah Night right now. Can you believe that?


God. Me at Hallelujah Night. Wow. I'm so worried that once we get there me and my wetback, punk, angry, perverted, pussy lovin' Woodite ass is going to up and fuckin' burst into flames.


Or at the very least my tattoo will itch. Believe it or don't but my Ed Wood Saves tattoo always seem to itch really badly whenever I'm in any sort of Jesus-y function. It's probably some sort of anti-religious self defense mechanism in my blood or something.


I don't think I really need to expoud too deeply on this subject so therefore I will simply say this ... I really don't want to fucking do this. But, part of being a grown up is taking a few shots in the mouth for the sake of your kids. And this, me going to Hallelujah Night, is a real big shot in the mouth.


Wish me luck.


Wish me all the luck in the world.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Britannia Manor ...

So here's the sparknotes version of the story ... Richard Garriott, the super rich creator of the Ultima series of video games, used to spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars transforming his 4,500-square-foot mansion and the three surrounding acres (which he called Britannia Mansion) into a massive, totally free role playing haunted house adventure.


Picture a haunted house but more role playing than frights. And it also has a sweeping plot, it's full contact, it's free roaming, the characters interact with you and send you on quests, random people in your party may disappear, and you must do various physical stunts like climb up here and row across there in order to accomplish the final quest and defeat the evil satan guy in the picture over there.


HOW COOL IS THAT?


And this guy used to do this every other year between 1988 and 1994 and apparently it was totally fucking AMAZING! Here's a bit of a description from the almighty wiki ...


"Only 200 guests a night were led through the manse and its grounds. People typically lined up two days in advance to get in on the adventure. The tour was free (the only cost was the wait to get in), and it was reputedly well worth the campout. Garriott himself claimed to have seen folks going up and down the line offering $1,000 for anyone who'd give up his ticket and finding no takers."


A short video documentary on Britannia Manor

A Tribute to Britannia Manor DVD review


This is a good little article from a local Austin, Texas television show about Richard Garriott and his massive estate. Check out the video clip at the end. It's presented in eye-squint-O-vision but still cool. This house is a total mindfuck even WITHOUT the hundreds of thousands of effects, what with all the secret passageways and water-squirting alligators. The clip ends with a pretty sweet little teaser glimpse of the all new Britannia Manor and what it's going to be like.


The clip says it's going to be ready in 2006 but now it looks like it will be ready in time for Halloween 2008. Man, that trip would totally be worth it.




That's Britannia Manor for you. Hope you liked it. Now here's some Halloween psyching rock, the best music you could ever steal and repost from random schmuck's blogs on hype machine ...


The Misfits: Monster Mash (live)

The Misfits: Night of the Living Dead

Donovan: Season of the Witch

REM: I Walked With A Zombie

The Ramones: Pet Semetary

Guns 'N' Roses: Welsome to the Jungle

Fiona Apple: Sally's Song

Danny Elfman: This is Halloween

Arden's Most Prominent Moustache ...

... ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Steve Galindo, AKA Reverend Steve, the man with the most dominant moustache in Barnes and Noble store 1996.


He is the kingfish of moustaches!


Other booksellers try to have big burly man moustaches but all they end up with are skinny little college artsy whisps of prickly facial hair.


Me?


I have a big bushy pussy lovin' MANstache!


VIVA EL MOUSTACHE!




Cheap Seats moustache and beard championship



Blackjoy: Moustache

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Staged Galindo Family Pictures ...

... in this first picture, Emerald and I had already slid down the slide and were standing up and walking toward the exit but Natasha didn't get the picture she wanted and so, pissing off the toothless carney, we sat back down and pretended that we were just finished sliding so that she could get the desired shot.




"Em, why don't you cuddle up next to the cat and pretend you're asleep? It'll be cute."




In this one I wanted to show off two year old Emerald with the cast so I made her sit up and give me a mean face like she was about to hit me with the cast like "Cowboy" Bob Orton. I was interrupting Em's 40th viewing of the episode of Gilmore Girls from season one where Rory goes to the school dance with Dean. She referred to it as the Blue Dress episode because of the color dress she was wearing, not to be confused with the White Dress episode in season two, another Emerald favorite, where Rory goes to the debutante ball.




Visiting Isabela for the first time in the Nick-You (sadly without Natasha seeing as this was about fourteen hours after the c-section), I went in with my dad who was, obviously, obsessed with taking pictures of me looking at the baby. So as I was looking at our one day old baby girl in the oxygen bubble fighting back tears, my dad would be saying things like "Stevie, get in closer" which would totally ruin the otherwise tender and heartbreaking moment for me.




"Em, go and pretend to play in that puppet playset that Tere and Pepe got you."




Emerald wanted to take pictures at Disneyland, too, so we stood there and three year old Emerald moved us around and told us how we should be. Very cute picture. This is more of a posed pictures as opposed to a staged picture but it's still awesome on account of how the picture is obviously taken by three foot tall person.



Friday, October 27, 2006

Jack and Meg Go to An African Bank ...

There are many things that I have been trained not to bring up.


One of those things that I have been biting my tongue about recently has to do with an e-mail that Tasha's dad got a few months ago from a bank in Africa. It's funny. I've always wondered who believes those e-mails. Now I know. It's people like Natasha's dad.


Right now my father in law is participating in the world famous Nigerian Scam and despite my begging and pleading with him, it looks like he believes it is true and is going through with it.


Papah (pronounced Paaah-paw) got an e-mail from a bank in Africa saying that if he puts up a fee of a few thousand dollars that he would be entitled to about twelve million. Seriously! One of the oldest scams in the world! And he believes it! When I first heard about how serious he was taking it and how excited he was getting about suddenly becoming a millionare I laughed in his face and said "I get that stupiud ass e-mail like a few times a week."


Papaw was not amused.


See, the thing is, he says he "checked it out" and he "called the bank" and "talked with people from their government" and for all intensive purposes it apparently "looks completely authentic." I mean, the man works for H & R Block for shit's sake. I'd like to think that he would see if this was some sort of scam, right? Right?


I talked to Natasha's mom about it and I was waved off. She said "Don't talk to him about it. You just don't know Leon." I might not know about Leon but I know scams, for Christ's sake! Just this morning he was talking about the plans he had with that money, which included paying off everybody's cars including our van which I never get to use, and moving the family out of this dump.


I'd like to think it's true. I would. Natasha grilled me right now before she left with him to drop off some paperwork for getting the money and she asked me "Steve, what if he ACTUALLY gets the money?" And I wanted to answer that. I wanted to answer. But I know it's not true. It looks true. It sounds true. A tax representitive says that it's legit. It seems totally legit.


But I just know it's fucking bullshit.


Shit, do they even HAVE banks there? What do they deposit? Twigs and AIDS? Seriously!




I finished reading "TOO MANY HOT DOGS!" by Dave Webster earlier today. It was a gripping tale that I'd love to tell you about ...


The book, which jumps around time periods like Dr. Sam Beckett, is essentially about two rival hot dog makers, Alfred Borden and Rupert Angier. They have a rivalry over who can make the most hot dogs. Well, Borden created this machine called The New Transported Hot Dog that can instantaneously transform a hot dog from one place to the other. Well, Angier goes ballistic and travels the Colorado where he meets Nikola Tesla who creates a machine that can replicate hot dogs. Eventually something goes wrong and the machine produces a ghostly spectre hot dog that kills Borden.


It's an intense book that really gives you an inside look at the mystery surrounding processed meat products. Every fan of hot dogs should go right now to their nearest Tower Books and ask for "TOO MANY HOT DOGS!"


Oh, and there's also some bullshit filler plots about their great grandkids that I didn't give a rats ass about.




It was neat reading about Tesla in the book, though. I have been studying up (i.e. reading wikipedia and googling) on Nikola Tesla and he really was an amazing man, if for nothing else for being the inspiration for this awesome ass scene from Jim Jarmusch's only slightly pretentious 2003 black and white art comedy film Coffee and Cigarettes ...




Well, that's about it. Natasha is off with Papah right now trying to get blood from a stone with this african e-mail thing. Emerald's at school and Isabela, misaculously, somehow managed to fall asleep on a pile of toys. No idea how she could do that but apparently she did. She keeps surprising us every damn day.


I know I should clean the house now but I don't want to. This house is literally eight ways to shitsville and cleaning it up is like Sisyphus and his boulder. This is supposed to be my day off, you know? Shelving 30 boxes of Christmas books and doing a 30 kid storytime and covering customer service would be less work than cleaning this hideous house.


Anyhoo, here's some frr music for your punk ass, courtesy of the "get Coleridge Some Pants" fund ...




Home Movies: Don't Put Marbles In Your Nose

Tesla: Signs

Beastie Boys: Body Movin'

Beastie Boys: Something's Gotto Give

Amazing Transparent Man: Nothing Compares 2 U

Socialburn: Down

Marvin Gaye: Mercy Mercy Me

David Bowie: Heroes

Partyben: Wipeout Taffy

Lazyeye: High School Girl

Thursday, October 26, 2006

The Sad Truth About Moody Mach Two ...

This is the sad but true story of my car, my horrible, stinky, untrustworthy, hideous, absolutely shitty ass fucking car. Here goes ...


My stepdad decided that I needed a car of my own so that my wife could keep our van during the day. So he went onto graigslist, which is the worst website in the WORLD, by the way. First we get a dryer that sets itself on fire when we first turn it on and now we have Moody Mach Two. That's what I call the car, in memory of our peeing everywhere Scratchy McScratcherson cat.


So me goes on craigslist and he spent like a $500 car that runs, surprisingly, like a stupid ass $500 car. It stinks like gasoline, it shakes, it rides rough and bumpy, the engine is weak and it runs like a go-kart at Golf 'n' Stuff, you have to put all the weight in your entire body just to get it to slightly gas, and some cord is loose under the trunk that makes the engine randomly stop when the car is stationary, meaning that just to get it anywhere I have to ride both the break and the gas.


But it's a car, one that my stepdad bought for me. I can't just say thanks but the car is a horrible fucking piece of shit and I don't fucking want it. I can'y say that.


I WANT to say that. But I can't.


By the way, like the graphic I used? Yeah, I found it on google images. It's true, too. I barely have any money for food and my parents are in Arizona doing nothing. They must be tickled shit now that they have their favorite Galindo there with them. I'm supposed to be going to Arizona to spend Thanksgiving there but that's dependent on my parents getting us tickets. How much you want to bet they're too busy?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Finger Snapping Changes ...



... it must be so damn nice, so goddamn convenient, to be one of those people who can change their lives like a snap of their fingers, who in an instant can just say good bye to their happy, comfortable life and just up and move to a completely new place.


Must be so nice not just to talk hot air about change but to actually be able to DO it, to just leave evrybody and everything and move to, say, Seattle or New York or Portland or Arizona. Must be so nice to be able to change like that, to not be afraid of things that are different.


I mean, it hurts me a little bit that my brother just up and moved to Arizona, just snapped his fingers and decided he was going to live with his new girlfriend in our parents house just like that. And also I'm jealous just a little bit. And I'm not sure why.


My wife wants to move. That's no shock. She always wants to move. She's certain that moving somewhere new will be the absolute answer to all our problems. And I always have to be the crushing voice of reason, telling her that we're being supported so much so by her parents that are literally right next door that there's no way we could do this without them. Then I say money and I say job and I say a bunch of other things that crush every dream she has.


It's not pleasant.


I'm getting older.


This isn't related to the whole change theme. I'm just saying it.


I gave away a cool yucky Halloween candy thing to the kid at storytime yesterday who could correctly guess how old I was. The first answer was four. That was cute. When I said I was older the parents, the moms, all leaned up to their kids and gave them what they thought were answers. The next kid said thirty-six. Can you believe that?


Yesterday I was outside taking a walk in the beautiful fall air while Emerald rode on her Dora bike and Bela rode on the baby seat behind Natasha. I never got comfortable with bikes so I was walking and reading Too Many Hot Dogs and listening to my iPod. Perfect scene, beautiful day.


Emerald started biking really fast and told me to run and try to catch her.


In retrospect, I don't really know how long its been since I've ran anywhere. Apparent, though, I guess it's been a really long time because as I tried to run my knees locked up in this screaming red pain. It was like my joins and my kneecaps were rusted and old and refused to work right. They still hurt now.


Ladies and gentlemen, the first part of me that refuses to work because of age. My knees. Hooray crappy knees. Hip hip hooray!


I am a wreck. Physically, I'm a wreck. My health really isn't something to brag about. My weight fluctuates between 115 and 145 lbs. That has less to do with my age and more to do with my eating disorder but it also means that I own about twenty or thirty pairs of pants, only three of which still fit me. I also have some pretty serious stomach problems that make me occasionally cranky and pissy. And my arms have been screaming sore lately. And my neck pops like Hellboy. That can be a bit frightening.


I just remember when my body came with no problems whatsoever. Now it's getting worn and that frightens me a little bit.


But, on the bright side things are pretty good everywhere else. Work is good and comfortable and I'm actually starting to get things done, which is surprising. Emerald is ahead of her class at school. Isabela is starting to talk. And its been a year and a half and I still love my wife like I just met her yesterday.


I mean, sure our house looks like shit and we're completely fucking broke and I have a shitty ass fucking car that I have to gas and brake everywhere just to get it working but I know that once I get home I can kick back and read Too Many Hot Dogs and drink some coffee and watch my kids play and listen to them laugh above the sonds of Tribe Called Quest and MF Doom on my iPod.


That's pretty awesome.


All the other pains are pretty much worth it just for that. For my kids.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Various Random Whatnots ...

... there's a line in the Ray Parker Jr. song "Ghostbusters" where he says "Bustin' makes me feel good!" That line has always sounded vaguely creepy to me. Cre-e-e-e-e-epy!


Hey, listen buddy. I think we all have busted ourselves at least once. Some of us bust two to four times a day, to tell you the truth. But you don't see US writing a movie theme song about it, you little eighties pervert. I know I'm only thinking about this only because of the Halloween music, but seriously look at him. His moustach totally screams get in my van, little boys.


I know I could be sued for that. Yeah, right, just like HE got sued for ripping off the Huey Lewis song "I Want A New Drug." From Wikipedia:


"Parker was accused of plagiarising the melody from Huey Lewis & the News song "I Want A New Drug" for his 1984 #1 hit theme to Ghostbusters, released only six months after Lewis' hit reached #6 in the Billboard Hot 100.

The producers of Ghostbusters had approached Lewis to use his song in the film, but their request was turned down, which led them to ask Parker to write a song similar to "I Want A New Drug" as the theme. This ended with Lewis suing Parker, and the pair settled out of court in 1995.

They returned to court once again in 2001, the tables turned this time as Parker now sued Lewis for breaching a confidentiality agreement forming part of their original out of court settlement which prohibited either side from speaking about it publicly. Lewis had revealed in a VH1 Behind The Music special that Parker had paid a financial settlement as part of the original agreement."


Awesome! Hacks are plagiarising other hacks.




I'm reading a book that I really like and I'm intensely getting into. Everybody should go to their nearest Borders and ask them for it right now because this is a tense page turner extreme!


It's called Too Many Hot Dogs! and it's written by international bestseller Dave Webster. It's described as a taunt and gripping espionage thriller set in the seedy backdrop of competitive eating. It's sex, murder, betrayal, death, violence, double crosses, betrayals and, of coruse, lots and lots og hot dogs.


The tagline in the back of the book reads ...


"Kobayaski likes to eat hot dogs. But how many hot dogs ...
... are TOO MANY hot dogs?"


The back of the book, which is decorated with a comforting picture of a pigeon eating a hot dog, has a stamp on it that says its approved by the Hot Dog Makes Association of America (HDAA). I'm on page 100 and despite a boring false start and some poor characterization it's really shaped up to be a really good book.


Wired magazine says on the cover that it is "A brilliant conjuring act by one of the master hot dog makers of our time." That's some hefty praise. Seriously, everyone should go out now and try to find it.


Actually, it's a damaged copy of The Prestige that I had to strip. But, with some paper and glue and scotch tape, VOILA! A gripping hot dog page turner! Yeah. Fake book covers rock ass!


From the makers of Snakes on a Plane, it's
CATS ON A TREADMILL!




That's about it for me. I'm tired, wired, horny and hungry. Plus my arms and shoulders and screaming in pain and I'm having breathing problems. Yeah. I'm a real winner, huh?


So here's some free music for you and your punk ass ...


Isabela Galindo laughing

Elliot Smith: Brick
This song reminds me of my relationship with Debby back in Phoenix. We loved each other so much that we did nothing at all but be with each other. We just hung out with each other, drank, smoked, got high, fucked and went to bed. We loved each other but we weren't moving. We weren't going anywhere or doing anything with our lives. I understand that line in the song "She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly." That was basically 1999-2001 for me, followed by a year and a half of heavy drinking. Beautiful song, though.

50 Cent: London London

Beck: Think I'm In Love

Irn Mnky: Johnny Cash Rules Everything Around Me

Irn Mnky: Just a Rascal On the Rocks (with no ice)

Public Enemy: By The Time I Get to Arizona
Arizona is correctly painted by Chuck D in this song as being a hot racist hellhole. I was one of the few people rocking this song back in Arizona and I still do now. I especially like the end which paints a fictional assassination of then-governor Meecham who was eventually impeeched for being a racist bastard. Awesome song.

Public Enemy: Give It Up


Let's see if I have another Halloween music list tomorrow! See ya. Death to Sema's.

Another List of Halloween Music Of Note Played On Our Store's "Holiday Music" Radio Station (and a crazy sounding rant about Dr. Who) ...

Ladies and gentlemen, I am now entering week two of my epic chronicle of the awesome and strange music that plays on our store's holiday radio station.


I seriously thought I would have been done after the first massive post but this stupid and wonderful station just keeps throwing me curveballs.


SUNDAY # 2


Magic Carpet Ride: Sweet song and although it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever on the Halloween station, I would still prefer to hear this damn song as opposed to listening to The Time Warp and the X-Files theme three times a day. Little side note, at the end of my brother Joe and I's Rocky Horror "phase" we would go every week, every saturday night, just to piss all the ostentatious goth kids off. When this song would come on we would yell "LET'S DO THE SAME SHIT AGAIN" and get into a yelling match with each other where we would each be saying "I CAN YELL LOUDER AND FUNNIER THAN YOU!" Really pissed off a lot of Scottsdale punk assholes in my time.

Psycho theme: Again, should have played on day one. Awesome. I feel like dressing in drag and stabbing naked chicks in the shower.

Baby Elephant Walk: What. The. FUCK????? Is this doing? On the. HALLOWEEN!!!!! Radio. Station. I mean, come on?!?!? Seriously! This raped my mind almost as worse as the theme to Superpollo. Ok, radio station, I know that this year you're trying to make listening to you a bit less painful by adding some much needed variety, but try to at least stay within the basic theme of Halloween. I mean, playing Baby Elephant Walk followed by What's New, Pussycat is just creepy and wrong. It's like we turned off the Halloween music and put on some special radio station specifically designed for retarded preemies.

Perry Mason theme: Again, whaaa????

You Dropped a Bomb On Me: Eighties pop song on Halloween radio station only makes sense when you realize how horrible the 80s were. Ronald Regan? Say no more.

Curse of the Mummy's Tomb: a fairly decent, sixties sounding rocker from a sweet band that nobody's ever heard of or gives a shit about.

Edward Scissorhands theme: If your feathers weren't ruffled by my previous revelation of how much I don't give a shit about Jack Skellington, maybe THIS one will do it for you ... I hate Edward Scissorhands. It's just boring and uneventful and I think the ending's cheesy. The whole film tries too hard to force its way into your brain as a classic. The only thing really good about it is Vincent Price. Sorry. That's just my opinion.

Dr. Who theme: Awesome! There was this role playing-slash-comic book store in Phoenix in the eighties that I remember going to when I was like six or seven. Once you walked in to the shop there was a big telephone booth like on Dr. Who and it was right there on your left once you walked in. And you looked at it and it was a LITERAL 3D phone booth with ridges and texture and everything. The dimensions were of an actual phone booth, but the door to it was a black looking mirror and you could just barely see yourself in its reflection. But, and this is the really crazy sounding part, if you walked THROUGH the phone booth you were suddenly in a small room with Dr. Who products and books and posters and music and stuff and, turning around to see where you came in from, the phone booth was nothing but a mirror. It was incredible and strange and it blew my mind. I specifically remember not looking at anything else, just going through the phone booth over and over again to see how it was done. But, being so young, I had no idea. I though it was magic. I really did. It was just like Harry Potter trying to catch the train to Hogwarts by walking through the wall. Just like that. You had to walk THROUGH the phone booth to get into this room. Incredible. But the thing is the place closed down a short while after we visited it and so 1) I never got to figure out how they did it, and 2) I never found anyone else who has ever been in there. So that's my Dr. Who denouement. I try to tell people but I just sound like I'm crazy.

Rumble: Link Wray??? The song they didn't put on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack??? What the fuck? Whaaa???? Makes no sense. The person who came up with this playlist must also have written the Chewbacca defense. Seriously.

Beep, Beep: Funny when you first hear this sixties kitchy gimmick song about two speeding motorists, annoying as all hell every subsequent listening after that.

Twin Peaks theme: Here's another hipster bombshell for your ass, I never watched Twin Peaks, nor do I ever care to. It just seems like nonsensical hipster artsy crap to me and I don't really give a rat's ass about any of it. I know, I know, I'm a bad twentysomething guy with glasses BUT (shudder) in about five months I'll be a thirtysomething guy if you can believe that.

Wild Thing: Whaaa????

Sunday, October 22, 2006

An Addition to the Comprehensive List of Halloween Music Played On The "Holiday Music" Radio Station ...

SATURDAY

They're Comin' To Take Me Away: Again, why didn't I hear this on day one? Awesome! I'm still gettin' my old school Dr. Demento funk on! Sweet.

Backlot: This might not be the specific title, but its the music that plays as Ed and the cast break into the studio to steal the rubber octopus. Wow. They're expanding their usual amount of Woodian music this year.

Ghostbusters: Real good for Halloween music despite the fact that I hate this stupid, annoying ass song.

Addams Family theme: Awesome! I swear I could hear like ten people in the store snapping along.

I Put A Spell On You: this song is sung by Screamin' Jay Hawkins, a perfect name for him seeing as he doesn't sing as much as scream on the top of his lungs. He died in 2000, the same day that Charles Schulz and tom Landry died. I always find it incredibly depressing when two famous people die on the same day and only one person gets recognition. I call it a death fight and it can be deeply sad to see someone famous overlooked. Think John Ritter and Johnny Cash, both died on the same day. Cash won that day. Katharine Hepburn died and the world freaked out so much so that a day later when old school comedic genius Buddy Hacket died nobody cared. Schultz beat out Screamin' Jay and that sucks. After his death, word spread that Screamin' Jay Hawkins had allegedly fathered as many as 75 kids, so a website (which is currently down) was made called JaysKids to find all of Jay's illegitimate children to spread the royalties to his music. Incredible story, huh? I fucking LOVE Screamin' Jay. I think his voice sounds exactly like a deeper, blacker Tim Curry, which is awesome to think about. His story is in-fucking-credible. What a pimp!

My Son, The Vampire: No one remembers Bobby Sherman. He was the jewish Wierd Al twenty or thirty years before Weird Al.

Shaking All Over: Good classic rock song that only kinda makes sense.

Hotel California: Again, why didn't I hear this sumbitch on day one? Awesome!

Pink Panther theme: only makes sense if you've seen the original old school sixties movies and you remember all the crazy disguises he used to wear. But hardly anyone remembers those great, kick ass films and that's sad.

Break on Through: Whaaa????

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Emerald and Isabela Galindo Laying Down On The Couch Right Now Watching Ed Wood ...

... Isabela drifted in and out of the movie, watching the credits, not watching for five or ten minutes, then watching this scene and not watching another. She got up to play and chase the dog but came back for Criswell's first scene. When he did the magic trick in the restaurant and everyone applauded, Bela applauded too. It was incredibly cute.


She watched it on and off but she finally sat down and watched the entire thing intently from Bela's big Bride of the Monster speech to when Ed and Kathy go into the spook house, which is when she fell asleep.


I feel strangely proud about that.






I put this movie in shortly after Natasha left the house with no warning or explanation whatsoever. I had an incredibly rough day and I was tired and sore and angry and hungry and sad. I come home wanting to kick back and relax and instead I come to a messy ass house and to a wife that says "I'm leaving for a little bit."


Yeah. A little bit. The end credits of the movie are about to start. Right now it's the bit near the end when they have all the writing about all the people in the movie and where they all ended up. Almost the end. The end credit music will be starting soon, the end freakin' credits, and I still have no idea where my wife is or where she's been or why. That kinda hurts.


I've been having some problems lately. Physical problems, health problems, stomach problems, mental problems, sleeping problems, CAR (!!!!!) problems, money problems, and I've just felt really low and down and angry and depressed. A lot.


But sitting here watching Ed Wood with my girls, this is nice, really nice. Despite my missing wife.






Emerald came in from next door and sat down on the couch to watch the movie somewhere around the Bride premiere and she has been watching ever since.


She's seen it before, though.




That is a picture of little Emerald Galindo watching Ed Wood IN ITS ENTIRETY from the opening DVD menu to the end credits on October 11th, 2004 when she was onlythree years old! She could barely TALK but she LOVED that movie. She sat there for the entire damn movie and watched the whole thing with some oatmeal and her cat Moody and she loved it. I am so proud.


That was back when we lived in the hideous black neighborhood apartment in ghetto city. This was taken a few months before one of our neighbors was shot and killed in some sort of drug related shooting. That was when we decided we HAD to move. Sure my parents didn't help us find a place, even after the next door shooting. We eventually found a place, which is where we live now, but on only my bookstore salary we can barely afford to live here.


That's a really down ending to this post. I really didn't mean for this whole thing to sound so depressing. I'm sorry. I'm just feeling very lonely and hungry and horny and vulnerable and in a quiet, introspective sort of mood.


Just shut up and let me watch Ed Wood.


Friday, October 20, 2006

A Comprehensive List of the Halloween Music of Note That Has Played On Our Store's "Holiday Music" Radio Station ...

... every year for about three months the store that I work at regularly plays the "holiday" radio station and although the X-mas music is annoying and unbearable the music that is played in October is an incredible mix of awesome as hell and completely confusing.


I have compiled (for really no discernable reason) a comprehensive list of the songs of note that have played in the store's Halloween radio station all this week when I've worked. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work, all to prove a thesis that even I don't even know.


Check it out and you'll understand what I mean by awesome as hell and completely confusing:




SUNDAY

See My Vest: An awesome Simpsons song, not quite Halloween themed but still cool.

Halloween theme: Spooky.

Exorcist theme: Great.

Pull the String: ED WOOD!!!!! Hell yes!

X-Files theme: Never liked this show. There, I said it. Plus I hear this about two or three times in an eight hour shift on this station. Annoying.

I'm Your Boogeyman: wow, Rob Zombie, way to blast your hard rock metal vibes in a quiet bookstore. This is when all the yuppie white people in the store complain about our music selection.

Heard It Through The Grapevine: Huh????????? WTF? I think it's on here because the only way rasins could talk would be if they were possessed.

Mars Attacks theme: Hell yeah!

Squares: The Beta Band? What? Don't get me wrong, I like this song but ... what the hell are you doing on the Halloween music?

Ed Wood theme: MORE ED WOOD!!!!! Hell yes! I've said it before and I'll say it again ... the Halloween music is one of the main things driving me all year, just like The Office and free pretzel day.

Paranoid Android: Whaaa???? More cool but confusing music.

The Cockroad That Ate Cincinnatti: Yeah, I'm gettin' my old school Dr. Demento freak on!

The Crypt Keeper Jam: It's the Crypt Keeper ... rapping ... and it's also the person in charge of the children's section fucking killing himself.

What's New Pussycat: Whaaa???? Just having a frightening amount of chest hair isn't enough to get your shitty song on the Halloween station.

The Time Warp: Oh goodie, I'm back to being cramped into a shitty Mill Avenue movie theater surrounded by pretentious teenage punk goth kids with bitchy attitudes and horrible fashion sense and rich parents and absolutely no lives ... and they're in a screaming contest with each other and throwing rice around. Fuckin' YIPPIE!!! (kill me now)

The Mummy: This is the (?!?!?!?!) audio track for the original movie preview for Karloff's Mummy movie. What? And why? And how? I'd understand if they played MORE movie previews but this is the only one.

Little Red Riding Hood: I've always liked this spooky oldies song sung from the wolf's POV but I never thought it could be Halloween. Bravo.

Purple People Eater: cute but annoying.

Monster Mash: I had this phase where I thought the Monster Mash was not only the greatest song of all time but a song that deserves to be heard ALL THE TIME. God Sarah hated me for that but although I hardly hear it anymore, when I do I'm reminded why I felt the way I did and why I was totally right on.

Tales from the Crypt theme: I dunno. I'm still in pain from the Crypt rap monstrosity.





TUESDAY

Tales from the Darkside theme: Wow. Haven't heard this in an african-american's age.

Heartbreak Hotel: Whaaa????

Rapture: What the hell is rapping Blondie doing on here?

Martian Hop: I have such a soft spot for this strange high pitched fiftied alien rock song.

Godzilla: Hell yeah!

The Blob theme: It's so strange that a horror monster movie like The Blob would have such a kitchy swinging sixties pop bubblegum theme song. I love it!

Season of the Witch: Awesome!

Don't Fear the Reaper: Another awesome song!

Love Potion #9: Eh. I guess it makes sense.

This is Halloween: Ok. OkokokokOKAY! I'll admit it. I never got into Nightmare Before Christmas. I know I should. I mean, it's a stop motion Tim Burton halloween musical. What's NOT to like? But for some reason I just never got too into it. The only thing that I feel that ever came out of this movie that's worthwhile is the awesome Holiday Haunted Mansion.

Werewolves of London: One of the best lyrics ever ... "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics. His hair was perfect." Sweet!

Wooly Bully: Whaaa????

Night on Bald Mountain: Perfect.

Dead Man's Party: Awesome!

Ghost Riders in the Sky: Kinda makes sense.

Alien Nation tv theme: Whoah! Awesome! It's been HELLA long, man! Sweet!!!!!

12 Monkeys theme: WOW! Cool!




WEDNESDAY

Twilight Zone theme: Awesome!

Psychotic Reaction: Awesome, although only slightly relating in an indirect way to Halloween.

Witchy Woman: Again, only slightly kinda makes sense.

Bird is the Word: I like the song, I've always had a soft spot for it, but I don't know WHY it's on here.

Peter Gunn theme: Eh. Makes a bit of sense.

Atomic Dog: Whaaa???? What the hell is George Clinton and his massive funk starship doing here? This only makes sense when you think of the outfits they used to wear.

Pet Cemetary: Awesome Ramones song. Cool.

Talking in your Sleep: Eighties pop song? Huh?

Welcome to my Nightmare: I'm surprised I haven't heard this before now. Cool.

People Are Strange: I can't believe I haven't realized before now that this is an awesome Halloween song.

Somebody's Watching Me: This song creeps me out. I think it was watching the video too much as a kid.

Never Gonna Stop: More Rob Zombie, THIS one however makes absolutely NO sense! Why the hell are they playing Edge's old theme music, huh?

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: Awesome old school theme music! It's a shame no one remembers how horribly sweet this movie is.

Batman tv theme: Eh. I guess this fits.

Munsters theme: This makes a LOT more sense.

SUPER CHICKEN theme song: What? Seriously, WHAT THE HELL????? My mind just got raped! Seriously! Why the hell would they play the theme song to an obscure sixties cartoon that nobody remembers but me? Huh? Why? My mind was just totally blown away!




THURSDAY

King Tut: For the love of god and allah and Ed Wood and all that is holy and just I HATE THIS DAMN SONG!!!

These Boots Are Made For Walkin': Whaaa????

Mamma Told Me Not to Come: Awesome song, reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson, but makes no sense on this station.

Dude Looks Like a Lady: Whaaa????

Bad to the Bone: Whaaa????

Tears on my Pillow: Again, whaaa???? I think this is "Whaaa????" day.

Creature from the Black Lagoon theme: Sweet!

Wierd Science: Again, I thought I would have heard this on day one. Cool!

Rock Lobster: Reminds me of my Emerald.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Awesome YouTube Videos ...

Sesame Streets

Borat hosts European MTV Music Awards

Why "internet funnyman" Dane Cook just aint too funny anymore

Chester's Recipe of the Week

Animated Criswell video from Edwoodstock

Aquatic wizards

Human Bowling with Rollercoaster Tycoon

Awesome pointless training montage from "Wet Hot American Summer"

Ed Wood music video

Mexican Americans

Will Ferrell IPod commercial

Legless dogs

Of Course You Realize This Means War ...



... first they get together and kill one of our greatest foriegn animal wrestlers. And now they're jumping onto boats and killing random strangers. What's next? Pope Stabbed By Angry Pious Stingray?


It's official. We're at wars with stingrays.


STINGRAY LEAPS INTO BOAT, STABS MAN IN CHEST


It's on, people. It's freakin' on!


So the next time you see a stingray, even if its at freakin' Sea World, you grab the nearest gun and shoot it between their wierd flat eyes, lest you become the next human killed in the great stingray wars.


Don't say I didn't warn you.


Didjits: Stingray

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Snicket Training and one Crazy Ass Warrior ...

DONE!!!


In about a year and a half I have successfully finished all thirteen books in the Series of Unfortunate Events. As I recently told Michael Burns as he embarked upon the first book, the first four or six are very basic, simple, quirky and funny yet light and straightforward. It takes until book six or seven until the series starts dishing out strange, dark and thoroughly fascinating questions that lead to more and more questions.


The good stuff, basically.


But although it was and is without a doubt one of the single greatest series of books that I have ever read (so much so that as soon as I get funds, which I almost never have, I totally plan on making THIS my next tattoo) it was incredibly painful to me and my O.C.D. to finish all thirteen copies of the series and have so many strange and burning questions still left unanswered. How could you do this to me, Lemony? HOW!!! There's still so much stuff that I still don't understand.


Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-amn!!


Therefore it was incredibly comforting to have Marisa there waiting for me in receiving to answer at least SOME of the damn burning questions that could be answered. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Marisa rocks big fat monkey balls. But for those of you who don't have a Marisa, here is a review from the Toronto Star that sums things up perfectly. Watch out, though. Hella spoilers.


But it DOES raise the question of the Baudeliare siblings and a Maury style paternity test, a question that I brought up to Marisa and she basically shot down. Nice to know that canadians got my back, though. I mean, why would she have named the baby Lemony if it was a boy? Huh?


Don't know WHAT the hell I'm gonna read now. Maybe Thank You For Smoking, maybe Wintersmith by Pratchett. Maybe something wildly offensive. Who knows. All I know is I've gotta get my read on NOW because I don't know what I'm gonna do without another Snicket book to go to.




Tomorrow I have to train the new store manager.


Train.


The new.


MANAGER!


I have to train her in the children's department. All day, too. And I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with her there. She seems nice and all and she's like twelve feet tall, like a white female Giant Gonzales and I'm all for that.


But what the hell am I supposed to do with her tomorrow, huh? Am I supposed to hold her hand and walk her around my section and show her where everything is and then gently explain to her how incredibly fucking pissed off I am that we haven't zoned the entire department for well over five months now because the goddamn management of the store keeps fucking over MY department by uncaringly sending MY employees out of MY section to go do everyone ELSE's shit? Am I supposed to tell her about how I'm a one man children's section because the store managers are a wall that I've been screaming at for almost a year now, screaming for help and for employees that won't be stolen, screaming and screaming at a wall that isn't listening and strictly refuses to give a shit? And that's not even mentioning the straight up fact that I'm not good enough to be hired as a manager (despite being specifically promised the position by two different managers) but I AM good enough to train one.


Yeah. I'm sure her Steve training is gonna go swimmingly tomorrow.


Hooray.


HOLY CRAP!!!


We just found an ENGLISH LANGUAGE RECAP
of our mexican soap opera Mundo de Fieras!


YesyesyesyesYES! Now we can watch it ... and actually UNDERSTAND what the fuck is going on!


YAY!!!




For those of you not in the know, WWF wrestler the Ultimate Warrior was poised in the 1980s to be the successor of Hulk Hogan. And he could have been, too, were it not for the fact that HE WAS TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE!


See for yourself ...




That's 'bout it. Gotta go. Mundo de Fieras is on.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Optimus Prime Speaks, Exclusive Line of Dialogue from the New Transformers Movie ...

... this one is for Marisa.


Here is a Reverend Steve exclusive heard nowhere else! We stole a line of diaglogue from the new Transformers movie. Yes, THE Transformers movie. Yeah. I know. I rock big balls.


It's Optimus Prime giving a massive, rousing speech to the other autobots right before the big battle against the decepticons. It's a chilling speech and everyone from the Barnes and Noble at Arden Way should definitely iPod the hell out of it.


Optimus Prime Speaks


Wow. Whaddayaknow? I won the contest!

The Epic Battle of Father Against Daughter ...



... an hour and a half ago my four year old daughter Emerald and I decided to play pogs. She had never played before so we each got thirty pogs each and I let her pick a slammer and we started playing. She sucked at first but I taughter her some good pointers and I told her how her mommy likes to play.


Soon she started getting better.


MUCH better, in fact.


Now, an hour later, I have only fifteen pogs left. Emerald, after four intense rounds, has almost cleared me out. So we're each putting fifteen pogs down on this next game. It's balls out for me, win and stay in it or lose vehemently to my four year old daughter.


I can't believe I went from kicking Tom and Joey and Jamie Wedow and Daif's ass backstage of "Once Upon a Mattress" in 1995 to being handed my ass by my four year old little kindergardner. What a fucking world. I used to be the fucking Tony Montana of pogs and now look at me? I'm a pog schmuck.


I need to get back in the game. I need ... a pog training montage!


(insert pog training montage here)

What About 18 ...



... look, all I'm sayin' is that 24 is the highest number!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Some More Random Whatnots ...



... it's late saturday night. Natasha said she just wanted to lay down in bed for a little big but I'm pretty sure she's out. It's a quiet, dark night. Emerald's long in bed, Tasha is crashing with little Bela, and it's just me and my iPod which seems fixated on playing nothing but Hendrix, MF Doom and Gothic Archies. Not that I mind, because that's an awesome "one man party" music for me and my one man party tonight.


I am currently on page 70 of the last book in the Series of Unfortunate Events. I could easily be done with the book but, to be honest, I don't WANT to be done with the book. I don't want to be done with the series. I don't want to be done thinking about Lemony Snicket and the VFD and all the questions that are muddled in my mind right now. I haven't gotten this into a book series since Harry Potter and the discworld (non-witch books, preferably Rincewind or the night watch).


I don't want to be done with these books. I love them too much.




BOOKS I PLAN ON READING !AFTER! THE END:

Controversy Creates Cash
Peter and the Starcatchers
The Greatest Story Ever Sold
Time's Black Lagoon
Any books that will prove to me that David Sedaris ISN'T overrated


Now here's one of my all time favorite episodes of Space Ghost, a salute to Women in the Entertainment Industry ...




Paris Hilton.


Is anyone else in the world still creeped out by the fact that she's named after a fucking hotel? Am I the only one who never got over her name. Paris Hilton. That's a name of a hotel, not a name for a spoiled dumb cuntbag.


Do you think somewhere there's a dumpy bitch called St. Petersburg Ramada or a stuck up redneck socialite called Charlottesville Budgetinn? It would make sense.


The stupid spoiled whore.


Anyhoo, it looks like her time is slowly coming to an end. She released an album that was roundly trashed by critics and quickly bombed. Sadly, however, her music isn't bad. I mean, when you're as rich as her you can buy and sell the souls of musicians who can make Helen Keller sound like fucking Tori Amos.


So her cd was trashed but why? On PRINCIPLE! Because she's a dumb bitch!


Then there was the DUI arrest during which she literally drunkenly admitted to the cops, I imagine in some pathetic attempt at begging for their pitty, that she was kinda dumb. Awesome.


What use is this woman to our society? Really? I mean, the ultimate low came when that sex tape was leaked. Wait, you mean to tell me that she isn't even good at FUCKING? No! I mean, if she's not even good at screwing, then why does she exist? Why is she on every goddamn magazine? Why do I have to have her shoved down my throat every second by every news show? Why, I ask you, why?


But in the world of hating Paris Hilton this tabloid story is the absolute Paris bashing best! So apparently Virgin record bajillionare Richard Branson threw his son a massively hugetastic Mad Hatter-themed 21st birthday party. Paris decided to crash the party dressed as Alice in Wonderland, right? So when awesome as fuck dude Branson finds out about this he ORDERS all 60+ waitresses at the party to, get this, all wear matching Alice costumes just to fuck with her! How awesome is that?!? And then when she arrived he pretended to mistake her for a waitress and ordered her to fetch him a drink.


HELL YEAH! THAT'S AWESOME!


Ladies and gentlemen, that's the feel good story of the year!




Speaking of sex tapes, did you know that Oscar nominated actress Chloe SevigNOwayIcanSpellThisRight, who was nominated for a freakin' Oscar for her role in Boys Don't Cry, that she agreed to be in a controversial and boring as hell 2003 indie movie called The Brown Bunny during which she literally GRAPHICALLY and seriously (total eeeeewwwwww) goes down on writer and director Vincent Gallo?


WHY (?!?!?!?!?) in the world would ANYONE agree to do this? Why? And I always kinda liked her, too, but after seeing the scene in questioned, all I can think of is WHY WOULD SHE BE SO FUCKING DUMB as to agree to something like that? Did she WANT to never again be taken seriously? Did she WANT her credibility thrown down the drain? Did she WANT to go down on a greasy, creepy, fugly ass Vincent Gallo?


Eww. All around eww.


Do you wanna see it? Are you su-u-u-u-u-u-ure? Well, if you want to, aere it is but beware! It's GRAPH-ICK!!! And definitely should not be seen by any youngins. It's graphic and pathetic at the same time.


If for anything I guess it stands as a testament to how an Oscar nominated actress takes one in the mouth.




Wow. Fairly perverted post there. We started innocently and then just slowly went on this angry porn tangent. Wow. Hope everybody's ok after that.


If you're still with me, then here's some free music for you and your punk ass. A few of these selections, giving credit where credit's due here, come from the all new, totally free and totally cool Bride of Monster Mashup cd ...


Autopilot: The Devil Went Down on Betty

Rolling Stones: Time Is On My Side

Rhymefest: These Days

The Bees: I Love You

P.O.S.: Bush League Psyche Out Stuff

Frettdog: The Haunted Mashion

Eagles of Death Metal: I Only Want You

Babyshambles: Fuck Forever

DJ Earlybird: I Think She Knows that I Put A Spell On Her

The Kooks: Crazy

Power Pill: Original Edit

Bob Marley: One Love

Krazy Ben: Monster of the Crypt