NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Winner ... And NEW GWA Champion ...

... last night GWA champion Emerald Galindo went to bed tired and pouty, whining and crabby all the way to the bed. Sexxxy Wife Natasha Galindo, sensing her opportunity, challenged Emerald for the belt and, after a two minute long 7:45 pm hardcore bedroom match, was able to get a clean three count and a win!


Sexxxy Wife Natasha Galindo is NOW our GWA Heavyweight Champion!


As for Reverend Steve Galindo? Aw, he is just biding his time, waiting for his moment to strike. He could have been the third, second, even the first GWA champion if he really wanted to. But he's just standing in the sidelines, whistling and waiting for the perfect moment to snatch what is rightfully his and that is this ...




... and I will wear that sumbitch to WORK with god damn PRIDE when that day finally comes. And that day WILL come.


One day.

A List Of The Horrible Things That Happened On April 2nd, 2006 ...



-young child no more than four pulls down her pants and IN BROAD DAYLIGHT pees right in the archway at the front of the store (!!!) and, make matters worse, the intensely cracked out mom yells at her and spanks THE LIVING SHEEEEE-IT out of her, a massive slap heard 'round the world straight on naked ass that makes you suddenly feel really bad for the ass that accepted that John MacEnroe-sized tremendous tennis backhand

-an old man yells and throws his purchase down on the floor in anger that we had more books on the Vietnam war than on the Korean war

-a woman with a list of well over 40 black authors wants each author looked up, then wants every book written by the author looked up, THEN wants to see if there's an audio book for each book that author wrote, then PLAYS THE RACE CARD when we don't have it and/or it doesn't exist

-a black woman, who can't get cash back for her receipt-less book return, refuses to take a store credit and starts yelling, calling our manager Nicolas (a cuban man) a dirty racist

-a teacher comes into the children's section and, seeing no employee waiting there on pins and needles to help his soulless middle aged yuppie male bastard ass, gets on the STORE OVERHEAD (!!!!!) and announces over the overhead (!!!!!) that he needs help in the kids section

-a teacher gets angry over our lack of books about dolphins for children (apparently seven books about dolphins isn't enought for this bitch)

-two middle aged white women loudly looking for sudoku books, I walk up to them and ask them if they need help finding anything, they look at me with revulsion and say "Uh, NO!" and walk away but no more than ten seconds later they track down cute skinny white little Lisa Corbin and ask HER where the sudoku books are, adding "We couldn't find ANY help AT ALL"

-a customer gets angry over our "hot moving" (I.E. black book) section

-a neverending series of massively sized mexican families come in and repeatedly destroy the entire kids section

-a woman asks for books on San Francisco hotels and their phone numbers and when I can't find anything she goes into a massive panic fit, explaining how her stalker ex-boyfriend with powerful "connections" must have come in to our store, STOLEN all of our books on San Francisco, and then CHANGED our computers to make it "seem" as if we don't HAVE any books that lists phone numbers of hotels so that she wouldn't LEAVE Sacramento - and THEN she didn't want to talk to a manager, choosing instead to talk to ME for a half hour because, as she put it, "Well, how do I know he hasn't GOTTEN to them?"

-I rip my favorite pair of pants (the shiny stripey ones that look like I stole them from the cast of "Guys and Dolls")

-a big buff crazy guy with an insane amount of prison tattoos all over his body comes in and sits for a few hours on our comfy chairs and talks loudly about Jesus to everyone/no one

-a super smug guy with a turtleneck gives everybody attitude


(NOTE: space limitations on the piece of paper that I was using at the time did not allow me to continue with this list)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Problems Of The Skinny Brown Male ...

... everybody who comes in to my children's department needs help.


They just don't want help from me.


I have a few strikes against me. First off, I'm a male. Secondly, I'm a mexican male. Most people in charge of the children's department are women. White women. Middle aged white women. I'm a man, however, so I run into problems because of that. It boils down to women being seen as peaceful earth mothers and men being seen as perverts.


Women just don't trust me in kids. At least once a day now I ask someone for help and get a no thank you, but then that person tracks down Sadie or Julia or Megan and ask THEM the question they didn't have the balls to ask the skinny brown male. And, to add insult to injury, the person they DO eventually ask usually has do idea where the thing is and asks ME, leaving me with the person who didn't want the wetback with the penis to help them. This happens ALL THE TIME!


I'm getting bitter and angry. I know I shouldn't be.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Let's Break Copyright Laws, Pirate Style ...

... I've said it before and I'll say it again: the website Daily Motion.com is just like YouTube but with less annoying LOL teeny bopper chicks, more foreigners, and a shitload more unchecked copyright infringement.


And right here is a PRIME example, an entire full length feature film "name withheld" that now I present to you here right now absolutely free. Now don't say that Reverend Steve never does anything for ya, bitches!


Here you go ...


PART ONE:




PART TWO:




Here's a TIP: press play, wait for it to start, and then let it play for a while. Let it build up, get a drink, jerk off, whatever. Then come back and watch Saint Depp tear shit up with me. Trust me, the small size is to make up for the bad resolution. Trust me. This is the FULL movie!


Goddamn I'm fucking awesome.

Perseusphong (???) ...

... that's the only thing I understand in this whole video, the words PERSEUSPHONG during the credits. So I'm calling this video Perseusphong. I have no idea what it is or what it means but it's the funniest damn thing I've seen in a long ass time. I love the balcony deaths near the end and don't forget the frightening end credits.


Check it out ...




... and here's another video from the same people. This one somehow has something to do with a meteor game show, poop and nudity. Here you go ...



Saturday, November 25, 2006

We Have A NEW GWA Champion ...

... tonight Emerald Galindo challenged two day champion Isabela "Lugosi" Galindo for the GWA championship title. In a heated five minute battle, Emerald gained a three count and a decisive win, making almost five-year-old Emerald the second ever Galindo Wrestling Association Champion!


After her amazing win, Emerald was challenged by both Reverend Steve AND, after his loss, Angry Natasha. Amazingly, Emerald was able to score pinfalls over both opponents, keeping her title belt.


Angered over their loss, Steve and Natasha have vowed revenge on the champ and they both plan on "practicing" all night to "get in shape" for their next challenge.

A Poetry Slam About My Wife ...

A poetry slam, written today in the break room, about my wife and her most noble assets, as performed by a smooth talking pimp.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The GWA Will Change The Face Of Wrestling ...



... THIS is the Galindo Wrestling Association championship belt, being modeled by one of our talented young wrestlers.


The Galindo Wrestling Association started today on Thanksgiving. Our current GWA Champion is little fourteen month old Isabela "Lugosi" Galindo. Although she seems like an underdog, already today she has made Emerald tap out and has pinned Natasha on the couch, so she is definitely a fighting champion. Like JBL.


Here are the GWA rules ...


- a match can happen 24/7 and anybody can challenge the champion for the belt at any time. HOWEVER if you challenge and LOSE then you cannot challenge the champ again for another 24 hours.


- currently only people who RESIDE in the Galindo house are able to compete. Sorry. Eventually, however, the federation will be opened up slowly to include others, allowing the belt to travel to different houses and different champions.


- our current roster includes: Reverend Steve, Sexxxy Wife Natasha, Angry Emerald, Little Isabela Lugosi and Junkyard Joanna. In the next month our roster will be opened up to include Deinna Disaster and Manager Marisa, among others.


- I fully realize that this is going to lead to some intense physical fights between my wife and myself. I also realize that this will lead to some of the nastiest sex we'll ever have, so that totally makes up for it.


- there are actual dreams that we've talked about to one day include the ENTIRE bookstore into the GWA. But that's looking too far ahead for my taste. Besides, if Kevin wins it, who would dare challenge him? That would be gross.


- hardcore rules apply. Win by either pinfall or submission.




The GWA is ON, people! I'm excited as hell. This is like the GVWA only totally real! A match can happen anywhere! At any time! And me and my wife and all my kids, we're all so INTO this! We're all so excited!


Man, this is going to be sooooo awesome!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Emerald's School Play Pictures ...







... keep a close eye on the pimp brotha turkey showing off his phat ass dance skeelz right next to Emerald. I think he's trying to freak with my daughter.



Emerald's "Target" Monologue From Last Night ...



"Ok, now, I'm going to circle the things that I want for Christmas and I'm ALSO going to circle all the things that YOU want, mommy and daddy, okay? Now, I will circle the things that I want in the purple marker. Mommy, I'm sorry but you're going to have to be orange. Okay? And daddy, I'm very sorry but you are BROWN!"




Wow. She's right. I AM brown!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The Wii Is Cheap ...


I usually don't do this sort of thing, this LOL sort of hipster internet video posting thing, but ... THIS IS SOOO AWESOME!!!





This is exactly how I feel about the Wii. I want to have fun, not spend six hundred fucking dollars so that I could find myself playing some boring ass technical World War II video game. Screw that. I want to have fun, not spend too much money on boring technical specifics.


LETS HAVE FUN and get some AWK up in this bitch!


Andrew WK: Not Going To Bed

Andrew WK: Slam John Against A Brick Wall

Andrew WK: Pushing Drugs

Andrew WK: One Brother

A Brave New Thanksgiving ...

This will be the first thanksgiving ever that I wont spent with my mother and father and brother.


Where to begin ...


I didn't get the days off I needed for work, the days that I have ALWAYS gotten off in the six + years I've been working with the company. I was hired under the strict guidelines that I would ALWAYS get Woodmas off (October 10th, which Greg made me work once) and I would always get mondays and thursdays off (which changed to mondays and fridays when they moved Smackdown) and I would ALWAYS get the day before and after Thanksgiving off. I always get those days off and why I suddenly have to work this friday I don't fuckin' know.


But I guess it doesn't really matter anyway because my parents promised me they'd buy us plane tickets to go down to Arizona for Thanksgiving. They promised us they'd buy them so that we could spend Thanksgiving with my family. A long time ago we made a promise that we would ALWAYS spend Thanksgiving together. But my parents never bothered to buy the tickets for us, so I guess we're not going. It upset me a bit because last year Joe couldn't get off work at the bar so they came up here to Sacramento and spent Thanksgiving here with us. Now I can't get off of work and they're just calling me at work and half-heartedly apologizing for not seeing me this Thanksgiving, just like they said they'd come and see us for Isabela's birthday, which they didn't.


So, so summarize, for the first time in 29 years I will NOT be spending Thanksgiving with my family. The first time in 29 damn years. That's a long ass time.


Well thank Wood that I have my OWN kick ass family!




Happy X-Giving everybody. Imma buy me some Ritz crackers and some squeeze cheese and some beers. Hell yeah!


Monday, November 20, 2006

The Top 9 Worst Things Overheard Today In The Children's Depatrment ...

9) We like HAVE to go to Hot Topic!

8) I'll go to Tower and see if THEY have it.

7) What do you MEAN he won't fuck me?!?

6) Do you accept hugs?

5) I'm looking for any book on Ohio for my friend who has dementia.

4) Do you have a book with animals sounds in it or a book that has a boy named Alfonso?

3) I'm like way more punk than she is! Do you see how she dresses?

2) If you don't pick up those books and put them away, I'm going to leave you here with HIM! (mom points at me)

1) I will totally kick your fucking ass. I know I'll get in trouble. I don't CARE that you're retarded.


MC Lars: Hot Topic Is Not Punk Rock

Sunday, November 19, 2006

A Conversation Between Myself And My Soon-To-Be 5 Year Old Daughter Emerald Yesterday Evening ...


EMERALD: Daddy, read this letter I wrote you!
(hands letter to daddy)
DADDY: Um, what ... what does it say?
EM: It says 'When I grow up I want to be a doctor!'
DADDY: (gasps) Really?
EM: No, not really. It's just a joke.
DADDY: Then what DO you want to be when you grow up, Emerald?
EM: Um, a superstar. No. Just a star. Or a moon.
DADDY: Emerald, you can't be a star or a moon.
EM: Then ... I want to work ... um ... Daddy? Where do you and mommy work?
DADDY: The bookstore?
EM: Yeah. I want to work with you and mommy so our family can have more money!




Emerald is totally awesome!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

A Horny Duck and a Smoking Bird Try To Fuck The Cookie Lady ...

... I just finished watching The Three Caballeros, one of the biggest Disney-sanctioned mindfucks ever created.


Ever!


If you thought they were fucked up ending Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a trip to the deepest pits of hell, then you never saw two spicks fighting to the death over a woman and then suddenly turn into roosters cockfighting.


Seriously. This movie is a total fucking head trip.


If you've never seen this rare and thuroughly bizarre Disney gem, then here's the Idiot's Guide to Disney's The Three Caballeros ...


... it's a 1947 animated feature in which a horny duck, a cigar-smoking con man and a heavily armed rooster who enjoys shooting at civilians meet and spread the joys and wonders of latin america by engaging in midget-hating black magic and losing themselves in lengthy, nonsensical drug trips. Seriously.


I love The Three Caballeros. It's hard for me to find pride in the culture I grew up knowing jack shit about. The only two things that instil a sense of cultural pride in me is this cartoon and the movie Once Upon A Time In Mexico. It's a cartoon that I watched over and over again when I was a child and one that now I watch over and over again, all the while wondering how I could like it so much when I was a child. Kind of an animated catch-22.


But the best and most sexually suggestive part of the film is when they shrink themselves, the duck and the bird, and enter this magic pop-up book so they can visit the Brazilian city of Bahia, where they meet and get horny for a woman known as an Iaía, that is, a woman who walks the street selling cookies.


Now, here's where the sex stuff comes ...


This hot ass mexican woman is walking the streets at night selling her "cookies," singing her sexy song about "who wants to buy my cookies?" And as the horny duck and the cigar-smoking bird try to woo her, all these greasy, horny, lecherous latin guys start following, trying to impress her. She's basically asking them "Who wants to buy my cookies" and all the guys are saying "Hungry hungry hungry" and "Look at me," trying to impress her.


They all want to fuck this bitch!


And apparently what impressed the Iaía is musical ability because she seems to be temporarily wooed by a few super greasy guys who show proficiency in various instruments. In fact, the horny duck and the smoking bird even cook up a murder plot on one of the wooers that involves a giant hammer and a head, but that plan goes awry. Then giant musical instruments appear and suddenly they're all at this dance club dancing and having a good time. But two guys start to fight for the Iaía and, literally, their fight turns into a cockfight, the walls washed with blood, as all the sadistic brazilians look on and sing and dance.


Then the Iaía uses her magic (she's magic?) to turn inanimate objects into Disney characters. And then the book closes, killing everybody except the chain-smoking bird and Donald, who's obviously drunk and needs to be fuckin' slapped around..


That is !LITERALLY! what happens! AND THIS IS A DISNEY MOVIE!


Don't believe me? Watch for yourself ...




This movie fucking rocks!


My daughter Emerald is turning five next month and she's having a Disney dress up party. In order to come you need to dress up as a Disney character. I have narrowed my own selection down to:

Dumbo Nigger Crow


Shooting Wetback Rooster


or, my personal favorite and the one my wife says I can't be because it "doesn't count" (with finger quotes) ...


Touchstone Pictures' Ed Wood!


VOTE NOW on who YOU think I should be for Em's birthday celebration! Post a comment and let your voice be heard! Who should I dress up as? Vote now!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

A Good Day of illegal Wrestling ...

... don't know how it happened but goddamn me all to hell if I didn't have a pretty damn good day off today.


Last night me and my sick stomach stayed up until 1:45 am watching illegal wrestling dvd streams and some bootlegs of Jackass 2 and Clerks 2 I found on Dailymotion which is like YouTube but foriegn and more illegal. Then after my late night I had to wake up bright and early at six am to get Em ready for school. Bad mojo right there.


I thought for sure that my lack of sleep would make today horrible for me. But somehow everything ended up pretty awesome. I had a McDonald's breakfast, watched more illegal wrestling streams, went and fixed my glasses, spent quality time out with my wife, had an In 'N' Out lunch, got food at the store and got to play with my two beautiful daughters and my stupid ass dog.


Even the two hours doing nothing while my wife sewed didn't seem too horrible.


Today I didn't even have to use my AK. Today was a good day.




Here's some illegal wrestling dvd streams for you and your punk ass ...


The Eddie Guerrero Story (part one)

The Eddie Guerrero Story (part two)


The picture shown on the right is a photo I personally took at WWE No Way Out 2004 when my own personal wrestling hero, "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero won the World Heavyweight Championship. I am truly honored to have been there for such an historic occasion. When he died I cried. It still hurts me now to know that a person who could overcome so many hideous personal odds could die so young. This is an amazing video that everybody should watch.


Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior (part one)

Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior (part two)


This is a fascinating video. It brings you back to when you were a child watching WWF in the eighties and you LOVED the Ultimate Warrior. Shit, I had to pause the video halfway through so that I could put his theme music on my iPod. GOD he had the best theme music. EVER! So this video brings you back to your Warrior-loving childhood ... and then it drags that childhood love all the way back to the modern day where you suddenly realize that, sadly, the Ultimate Warrior is a crazy talentless asshole douchebag. God. They bash this guy so-o-o-o-o bad it's frightening. Sometimes you even find yourself pittying the poor wacko. There's also a little bit about his rivalry with Papa Shango. Yeah, isn't he called The Boogeyman now? (Snicker, snicker!)


The Monday Night Wars (part one)

The Monday Night Wars (part two)


There was a day, somewhere between 1997 and 2000, where if you wanted to buy yourself a wrestling shirt all you had to do was go to your nearest mall and there would be twenty different stores to choose from. Fuck, even Macy's would have shirts right in the front of the entrance. It was the pinnacle of wrestling, the period where WCW became damn close to putting WWE out of business. This documentary is damn good, my preferred drunk dvd viewing material. I dare say that even if you hate wrestling you'll still love the crap out of this.


The Rise and Fall of ECW (part one)

The Rise and Fall of ECW (part two)


Extreme Championship Wrestling was a hardcore extreme full throttle version of the tame, watered down late-nineties good guys versus bad guys WWF crap. Hardcore wouldn't have been hardcore were it not for this small indie wrestling league. Their importance cannot be stressed enough. The only way that WWF defeated WCW in the raitings was by stealing ECW wrestlers and changing their overall look and feel and writing and wrestling style to mimmic that of ECW. This uncensored video does an amazing job of showing you exactly what ECW was and how much it kicked fucking ass.

Me and My Stomach Pain ...

... other possible titles include:


Me and My Bleeding Stomach,

Me and My Abdominal Cramps,

Me and My Talking Insides,

Me and My Stomach Monster,

Me and My White Hot Poop,

Me and My Mystery Disease,

Me and My Screaming Stomach Pain,

Me and My Angry Intestinal Monster,

Me and My Lifelong Stomach Problems,

Me and My Fucked Up Body.


I'm having myself a sick day today. My head feels like it's a water balloon and I've slept about 10 or 11 hours so far today and I've barely eaten anything all day and my head is screaming in pain with the world's biggest headache. And above all it's my stomach.


I've had stomach pain all my life. My parents, however, subscribed more to the "Suck it up, nothing's wrong, it's all in your head, stop whining so much, Stevie, and get ready for school" theory of parenting and I grew up keeping shut about my lifelong stomach problems. As such I feel extremely guilty about calling in sick. Lance really let me have it with the guilt yesterday, informing me before I left work that due to my sickness that there would be nobody in kids. That stung. And then Julia called me this morning asking me if I was coming in. Apparently Lance didn't let anybody know I had called in sick.


My doctor (I went to the doctor last year for a checkup, my first since I was about seventeen years old) told me what he thinks the problem is. But now I'm here staing at home and randomly doubled over in pain, so I'm worried it's something else entirely, something more frightening.


No real point to this post. I just want to bitch.

Monday, November 13, 2006

What Customers Say To Me and What They Really Mean ...

WHAT THEY SAY:
"No thank you. I 'm just looking around."

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"AAAAAAAGH, A WETBACK! RU-U-U-UN!!!"


WHAT THEY SAY:
"Do you work here?"

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"You don't work here, right? Because you're a mexican."


WHAT THEY SAY:
"I think I can find everything."

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"I am a teacher and/or a middle aged housewife and as such I refuse to let a spick help me find anything."


WHAT THEY SAY:
"Do you speak english?"

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING DIRTY FUCKING WETBACK! IF WE WEREN'T IN A BOOKSTORE IMMA FUCKING LYNCH YOUR FUCKING BROWN ASS!"


WHAT THEY SAY:
"No thanks."

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"Although I said 'no' to you, I will literally walk right up to the customer service desk and talk to the closest bookseller with either white skin or a vagina and ask THEM the question that I don't want YOUR brown ass to answer."


WHAT THEY SAY:
"Y'all got any, like, magazines?"

WHAT THEY MEAN:
"I don't fucking read!"

Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Joys Of Working With My Wife ...

... I think that for her first day back Natasha should have worn THIS outfit but apparently it wasn't "work appropriate" with finger quotes around "work" and "appropriate."


God. Its always the big billion dollar corporations that are harassing women and stifling their god given rights to dress like curvaceous, big-tittied, cock sucking fuck sluts. It just boils my potato.


Anyhoo, yesterday was a rough day. I was straightening from last night, putting away cart after cart of frontlist and christmas titles, putting away the stacks of books left for me from last night, helping the customer service desk, getting ready for a massive character storytime, finishing the endcaps that should have been done yesterday and probably would have been done if my employees would actually be allowed to do their job, answering a ton of phone calls and shelving a morning cart that was almost entirely full which I finished around noon. I was worn out and tired and slightly hung over from the previous night's foodless five beer Pink Floyd The Wall viewing and on a related note my stomach was trying to jump out of my body.


But then my wife came to work and everything felt a million times better.


Here's some feeling better music, straight from the muthafuckin' wind clan ...


Beck: I Think I'm In Love

Beastles: Tripper Trouble

Format: Inches and Failing

Bob Marley: One Love

Johnny Mercer: Accentuate the Positive

Eels: Somebody Loves You

Blam Blam Blam: There Is No Depression In New Zealand


Now I'm sitting here with a big bowl of cereal and a hot cup of coffee and Natasha, Isabela and I are all watching The Muppet Movie. I'd say that this movie is in my top five, somewhere next to Sean Penn and Samantha Morton in Sweet and Lowdown which is probably fighting Ed Wood for the top position.


Emerald has seen this a handful of times and due to the fact that there are no princesses in it she only occasionally watches the whole thing. She's standing up and singing all the songs out loud despite the fact that she doesn't know any of the words, which is cute as hell. This is Isabela's first viewing and she's transfixed in between random crying fits. She's not sure what she's watching. All she knows is that she likes it.


Emerald really had a serious Muppet phase there for a while where we would buy her every video and dvd available and she's just watch them over and over and over again. I would always try to get her to watch the video with Peter Sellers and John Cleese but for some strange reason all she wanted to watch was the Harry Belafonte episode which is both beautiful and heart-slapping ...




BTW, allfg.org has almost every episode of every tv show you could ever watch available for you to watch right now for free. The amount of shows in impressive. I've gotten used to seeing the same episodes of Family guy and the damn Simpsons. But this place has The Maxx, I Love the 80s, Titus, Charmed, Star Trek, Xena, Mr. Bean, Alien Nation, Mystery Science Theater, Black Adder, Gilmore Girls and my favorite - SIFL and OLLY! Check it out. This shit is tight.




That's all of that. Death to shooshers.

Friday, November 10, 2006

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING ...

... I am currently finishing up beer three and watching "Pink Floyd's The Wall," the incredibly moving and altogether disheartening Alan Parker film.


Now, as many of you should know, the watching of this film by me is a warning light, sending everyone around me what should be a very clear message.


But that message just doesn't seem to be getting through.


I'm gonna get me another beer.

WWE's Best Matches ...

... here you go, an awesome collection of full length pay per view event-quality matches so damn good that you don't even need to be a wrestling fan to appreciate them for the beauty that they are. That's how good these matches are. They're damn good!


We start with my absolute FAVORITE match of all time, the only heavyweight championship pay per view match that I was ever present for. It was me, Tasha and little three year old Emerald in the nosebleed section, screaming like crazy as a charisma-less 'roid-fuelled monster went up against one of my all time heroes ...


Brock Lesnar VS "Latino Heat" Eddie Guerrero

Wrestlemania 17: TLC 2

Rock VS Hogan

Randy Orton VS Kurt Angle VS Rey Mysterio

RVD VS Jeff Hardy Ladder Match

Vince and Shawn Screws Brett at Survivor Series

Sandman & Tommy Dreamer VS The Dudley Boyz

Undertaker VS Jeff Hardy

Stone Cold VS The Rock

Thursday, November 9, 2006

I've Forgotten How to Do That ...

My wife and I met at work. At the bookstore, among the stacks. She was young and sexy and loud mouthed and hot blooded and charismatic and big breasted. Needless to say, I fell for her instantly. A few months of fighting other male wolves who were attracted to her scent, I was somehow able to win her favor.


Once we fell in love, however, our store's uber-emotional mecha-crying manager was beset with a few undisclosed sexual harassment charges and she in turn decided to make US, my wife and I, pay for her own strange romantic obsessions by focusing all of the attention that was on HER on Natasha and I. That was hell! Pure hell! They rode our ass like Ron Jeremy, for shit's sake! The constant managers breathing over our backs made things really rough at times but somehow we managed to stay in love, stay together and on Cinco de Mayo 2005 ...




... but my wife couldn't stand being in that store anymore with those angry accusatory glares from the management. And she HATED our constantly crying store manager. So with only a few months left in her pregnancy she made the heartbreaking decision to transfer to the downtown Doubleday. That hurt me so much, knowing that my wife was seven or eight or even nine months pregnant and yet she was about 45 minutes to an hour away from me. I was on pins and hypodermic needles pretty much all the time. It was bad.


What's even worse, the salt on the wound of Natasha's transfer, was that as soon as my wife left there was A) a new and vibrant and upbeat and altogether awesome store manager, and B) the transfer to another store of the ONE manager who made our love life a living f-ing hell. Suddenly work was great. But Natasha couldn't transfer back and, once the baby was born, she decided to quit the job altogether and stay at home with the baby, cooking up a day care job to make the money we needed for this two daughter/two income lifestyle of ours to work.


But the day care thing fell through. Twice. And we've been living (and starving) on my small paycheck for something like ten months now. What's worse is that without my wife there with me at work I've become quiet and hot tempered and stressed out and at times angry and at times very introverted. Work is manic-depressive for me now and I can't help it. It's a bell curve of happiness and the deepest pits of depression. Happiness usually comes in the form of my amazing storytimes and my Harry Potter club and my occasional few and far between talks with Julia and Marisa. My sadness, well, it's sad. I can be happy in one minute and in the next minute I'm beating my fist repeatedly into a wall until my knuckles start bleeding. I feel like I'm working my ass off and that hardly anyone gives a rat's ass. I feel at times that one cares, no one helps, and anyone that could help is stolen away to ring at a register which is apparently a million times more important than my lousy ass job.


But this saturday my wife comes back to work.


After over a year of being alone, my wife is finally coming back to work at the stacks where we first met and fell in love almost four years ago. Oh my f-ing lord, it gets me all asthma-ed up just thinking about it!


I think it's been so long for me working in this cloud of fog that i've totally forgotten how to be happy at work. I hope I remember how to smile.


You have NO IDEA how happy I am about that!

Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Hardcore Match: "Pimpin" Jesse Cee VS Angry Marisa ...



... it's obvious from Marisa's facial expression in this picture that she likes it when Jesse gets rough.


If, however, Marisa would like to get roughed up by a professional, my ex-dom wife still has an assortment of whips and gags. And cheap prices, too. Hell, it's FREE if you just let me watch.


Just a thought. FYI.


PREVIOUS MATCHES:

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Monday, November 6, 2006

Obligatory Drunken Post #48 ...

... I shouldn't be this happy over something as simple and stupid as being awake past midnight. But I am.


So here I am. I'm staying up late and drinking a pint of Fosters and watching illegal television and bullshitting with my wife.


I don't think she wants me announcing just yet that she plans on applying for a seasonal weekend position back at the Bar-Nob, once again working with me at the bookstore where we first met and fell in love. Yeah. She doesn't want me to announce that just yet. So I won't talk about it.


I also won't talk about how Scholastic announced to the collected Barnes and Noble store managers that the new Harry Potter book would be released on 7-7-07. I won't mention it because I'm not allowed to talk about it because Scholastic has yet to officially announce it to the public. So I won't talk about it.


One thing I WILL talk about, though ...


TOO MANY HOT DOGS 2!


This time ...

... there are EVEN MORE hot dogs!


Hell yeah! 'Bout TIME Dave Webster got off his ass and wrote a sequel! I'll be starting reading soon so I'll be sure to keep you updated on my progress.


Since I'm having a rather mellow drunk night, here's some mellow ass rock from mad genius Buckethead. I mentioned Buckethead about a month ago at a closing meeting at work and the entire break room looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently I'm the only person at work who appreciates crazy guitarists who wear KFC buckets and japanese kabuki masks and claim to be the offspring of dead chickens.


Funny. And I would have sworn Sema was a huge fucking fan ...


Sunday, November 5, 2006

Bored Sunday ...

... last night, living up to my rap name Early Bedtyme, I went to bed around 9 or 9:30, shortly after having dirty sex with my wife. We knocked the hell out afterwards, which I didn't want but couldn't help. I've been falling asleep earlier and earlier lately and I don't know why. I really enjoy staying up late with my wife just fucking around and doing nothing. But now I'm in bed sometime between 9 and 10 and that sucks.


I woke up sometime around 12:30 am to the sound of Isabela screeching. Turns out Natasha woke up and was outside partying with her brothers. I really hate and/or am jealous of Natasha's brothers. Randal always gives me shit, calling me Natasha's wife. He's also quick to yell and scream and try to boss everyone around. Hey, I'm not his son, you know? Duane is nice and funny and drunk and awesome but I hardly get to see him. Eventually Natasha came in and we put the baby to bed and watched the post-SNL awesomeness of Max-X and Whacked Out Sports, the duo of hideousness videos.


The shows both got interrupted by the "THIS IS A SPECIAL REPORT" which freaked the shit out of me, always does. It was the news breaking at around 1:15 am Sacramento time that Sadaam was sentenced to death by hanging.


Wow. Big news. But did you really need to interrupt my watching sports injuries and things exploding? No.


Now it's really early and I'm up getting Emerald ready for church, which is like pulling Will Smith's teeth. I say Will Smith because, seriously, have you seen his damn teeth? They're like a damn Disney Princess's teeth. They're perfect. They're like ivory. If he was in Africa he's be poached for his teeth like an African elephant. Anyhoo, back to Em, she is super angry cranky miss attitude with me in the mornings recently. So getting her ready, which is sadly my job six mornings of every week, is a royal pain in the ass.


I'm bored. There's nothing to do on sundays. Usually I would write something with a headline somewhere along the lines of Lazy Sunday and I'd be talking about how mellow everything is. But not today. I'm bored as hell today. I'm watching old Sifl and Olly videos but for some strange reason I'm bored with them for the first time evr. I'm sick of seeing the same shit. I'm hungry but cereal and ramen bores me. But that's all we have, all we can afford. I want some coffee but the sink is obscenely filled with crap and I don't feel like cleaning.


I'm bored.


I think I just need more sex.




I'm bored.


Here's some free music for your ass ...


Dashboard Confessional: Screaming Infidelities

The Raveonettes: Attack of the Ghost Riders

The Promise Ring: We Don't Like Romance

Gnarls Barkley: Smiley Faces

Jimi Hendrix: Manic Depression

Eagles of Death Metal: I Only Want You

Ben Folds Five: Song for the Dumped

... And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead: Eight Day Hell

Death Cab For Cutie: This Charming Man

The Beatles: Rain