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Tuesday, February 20, 2007

A Short Play That Is 70% Based On A True Conversation Between Myself And My Daughter ...

The curtain opens to the living room of the Galindo house on a way too early weekday morning. In front of the computer updating his iPod is STEVE. He is half awake and in ducky pajamas and he's drinking from a dirty cup of possibly lukewarm coffee. On the couch is EMERALD, a five year old blonde darling who is way too awake. She is watching PBS and doing the same yoga moves that an old lady is doing on the tv. The sun is just barely peeking through the blinds behind the couch. The house is still fairly quiet as 50% of the Galindo family is still sleeping.


STEVE: Hey Emerald. I almost forgot ...

EMERALD: What daddy?

S: Do you know what an employee of the month is?

E: No.

S: Well, see, once a month now my work is going to pick the absolute bestest worker there and give him an award and a prize and stuff for being so great. The employee of the month is the best employee that month. Do you understand?

E: (giggles) Yeah!

S: Well, Emerald, I think that I might become my works first employee of the month!


Steve has his arms out, his mouth open, excited. He keeps this pose for a long time insilence. Emerald, however, has her arms crossed and is making an angry face.


E: DAD! I don't think you're going to be the employee of the month.

S: (shocked) W-what? Why do you say that, Emerald?

E: Well ...

S: Why do you think daddy's not going to be the employee of the month?

E: (scoffs) Well, dad, all you do is read to the kids and color, you know? Instead of working!


Just then, the computer cracks open and CAPTAIN PLANET, the early nineties cartoon character, appears from somewhere within the computer. He is naked and covered in blood and feces. He jumps up, does a flip, and crushes his right foot through Emerald's face, flinging bone and skin and blood everywhere.


S: That's what you get for disbelieving my bookseller powers, suckafoo!


Steve puts on a pimp hat and pulls out a shotgun from his ducky pajamas, shooting Captain Planet in the crotch.


CP: AAAAARGH!

S: SHUT THE FUCK UP, CAPTAIN PLANET, AND MAKE ME A KFC BOWL, BITCH!


Captain Planet, still bleeding from the shotgun blast to the crotch, stands up and makes Steve a KFC bowl while Steve drinks his coffee and updates his iPod. The song "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" by The Clash starts playing as the lights dim and the curtain closes.


THE END


MY OTHER SHORT BLOGPLAYS:
The Goatee Customer

The Midlife Crisis

5 comments:

jessecoombs said...

As long as it's not that fucking horrible Sarah girl.

Gwen said...

Hahaha, so cute that she thinks all you do is color and read stories.

Gotta love the perspective of kids.

Reverend Steve said...

Wow.

Wow.

Jesse with some issues.

Sarah issues.

Reverend Steve said...

Sarah's nice. She's polite and soft spoken and cute and funny and nice and she's got a huge ass.

What the dilly-o?

primate9683 said...

Dude, I accidentally ran across some of your recent stuff, and you're complaining about being 30 and the kind of work you do in a bookstore? A BOOKSTORE?!?!?! My God, man, that has to be one of the slowest, most easy-going retail jobs on the planet! And you're complaining? 6 days a week is too much, yeah, but in a bookstore? Compared to some of the crap jobs I've had to work while trying to be with 2 kids in a broken home, yours sounds like a vacation to me. I was in my late 30's into my early 40's when I worked in retail at Staples, and believe me, that is a hellish place to work. The pace is fast, there are always complaints about you, you can never do anything right for customers or management, and management itself is illiterate if you go by their memos, which, since you work in an environment of literacy, you should appreciate just how insanely unnerving it is to have people above you who have less of a command for the English language than a high-schooler. You're old enough to see a bigger picture, friend, that there are others in a worse sitch than you.