NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Beatrix Potter: A (Mostly Made Up) Biography ...

... yesterday we had a character storytime. It was Peter Rabbit. And I hate Peter Rabbit. I hate him to death.


Number one, it's a very difficult costume. There's feet and leggings and gloves and a complicated head piece that doesn't fully cover your head. Quite frankly it's a pain in my skinny brown ass.


Number two, the story, which is over 100 years old, is long and boring and written in an old english fashion that bores the crap out of children. It's an outdated book ("And Peter did grumble thusly whilst intertwined deep within the thorny gooseberry brush") that keeps its popularity mainly from parents and grandparents shoving a boring ass book down their children and grandchildren's throats. It's long-winded and outdated and boring as hell.


Last year I cancelled our scheduled Peter Rabbit storytime. This year I could not. And that was yesterday. And I struggled to try and find some way to turn Peter Rabbit into something cool that I could get behind.


I found a one page biography of Beatrix Potter. I'm supposed to read it to the kids but, as is her books, it's lengthy and boring and no fun at all. So what I did was I took it and re-wrote it and added numerous blatant lies to try and spice it up. I read it to the kids right before I read the story of Peter Rabbit and although the kids didn't seem to think it was funny I still think it's one of the funniest things I've ever done.


Here it is ...


BEATRIX POTTER'S TALE:
SOME FACTS ABOUT HER LIFE
(including some that were totally made up)


Helen Beatrix Potter was born in 1886, back when the entire world was black and white. She lived with her father, Superman, and her mother, Hanna Montana. She went by her middle name, Beatrix, because she thought it sounded pretty cool.


When Beatrix turned fifteen, she started writing a book in a journal that she wrestled off of a robot. That book would later become her most famous and well known novel ... "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." She soon became rich and owned the biggest mansion in Mansion-land.


After that she wrote The Tale of Peter Rabbit. It was published in 1902, , back when people didn't have computers or televisions or even portable DVD players. Beatrix loved all the characters she created. She even talked to them, apparently, and she looked just like actress Rene Zellwegger.


Beatrix really owned a rabbit named Peter. She also owned rabbits named Josephine, Mopsy, Flopsy, Cottontail, Benjamin, Spike, William Henry Harrison, Mr. T, Pablo, Nelly, Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, Mickey Mouse, Big Chief Running Bear, R. Kelly, Spongebob, Ben Hur and Miss Kiki.


Cool stuff, I think.


Went to church this morning.


Cracks me up when I write that. Went to church this morning. Crazy ass stuff.


Emerald likes to go to sunday school with her cousin Deinna while her nana and papa go do their church thing. So for the past two weeks or so she's been spending a few days a week, a few massive chunks of hours a day practicing some big easter play song thing, so we HAD to go this morning. It was cute and we ate afterwards and found eggs. Then we got home and dyed eggs outside. It was all fairly cute.


It's strange for me, this whole easter thing. I never really celebrated easter growing up. Easter to me was just an excuse to dream during the Walt Disney World Easter Parade on tv, so to wake up early and dye eggs with the kids and hide them and do all that "parent" stuff, it just reminds me of who I am and how far I've come.


Here's some pictures ...
















We're going to do an egg hunt in our backyard in a little bit, before it gets too dark and too windy. It's perfect outside right now. In Sacramento they mention the "Delta breeze" in the same repeatedly annoying fashion that Arizonans mention the "dry heat" but the breeze that we're getting is just absolutely perfect all over cool. It's such a nice feeling. I'm actually loving on Sacramento right now.


Things with the Burkitt family (Natasha's side) were all loud crazy yelling arguing angry madness for a while this afternoon but things have calmed down. Her family is very angry and they yell all the time as their primary means of communication and as far as I'm concerned any prolonged exposure to massive yelling makes me lose it. And I lost it a few times today. But things are better now.


I'm eating much food and candy, posting on my blog, chilling out, drinking Molson that's hidden in an AM/PM 44 oz. soda cup (so much for quitting drinking) and i'm freaking out over the book Live From New York by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller. It's one of those books that I bought hella long ago and tried to read but didn't get far. Now (especially after spending a few months missing Studio 60) I can't seem to put it down. I've somehow managed to read about 100 pages in less than 24 hours, which is a major feat for someone with a wife and two screaming kids.


Things are pretty cool with me today. And I'm glad.


Here's the strange ass Spider-Man-hating song that Emerald sang at church today. Be sure to listen for my wife's laughing, especially when the kids start doing "the robot."




That's about it for me, Gotta get back to reading.


Peace out, bitches.

1 comment:

jessecoombs said...

Wait, someone besides Matthew and I watches Studio 60? Wha-huh?