... for those of you who don't go to my wife's livejournal she did this thing that she learned from my hot store manager's myspace where you Google search: "your name needs" and see what it says. Well, the results for her were okay but the results for me, the new latino heat, were really pretty awesome. Go see my wife's livejournal and see for yourself. I apparently need a squirrel hitman. Perry says he knows one but I'm pretty sure he's just had a few too many hits from the bong.
And the strange thing is that even though I've been working with Barnes and Noble for almost seven years I've never read a David Sedaris book before. I don't see what the big deal is about David Sedaris, really. Why is he doing appearances at theaters and arenas and why are people buying overly expensive tickets to go see him like he's the goddamn Red Hot Chili Peppers, for shit's sake? He's just some overrated author with a god complex. You're not Tom Cruise, you yuppie douchebag. You're just some metrosexual coffee shop patron with a Mac and a cell phone and a huge ego, so just get over yourself.
So, in order to wash away the depressing, angry aftertaste of my last post, I thought I'd lighten up the mood a little bit and one-up my wife by doing a Google search for "I hate your name because."
"I hate Steve because he never comes to my little league games. Also I hate Steve because he dose not dance anymore. He has nice clothes now."
"I hate Steve because he is so awesome. So much, much more awesome than I. I hate Steve because I am a woman. Steve degrades women with the amount of porn."
"I hate Steve because of all of the troubles he has given the Jags."
"I hate Steve because despite countless promises, he has yet to bring me a hostage."
"I hate Steve because he's beautiful! We've never seen the other side of that room."
"I hate Steve because he went to college and felt the need to get a vanity plate with his name on it. Fuck him!"
"I hate Steve because he does gay shit like kung fu and being vegan, and likes to be spiritual. I also don't like him because he's open to gay sex."
"I hate Steve because he just looks funny, and he thinks he is as intelligent as the rest of us."
"I hate Natasha because she's just really dumb. All her shots she does this little squinty eyed pouty liped 'porn' face. And yeah she is a mail order bride."
"I hate Emerald because its caused me nothing but hurt and greif!"
"I hate Marisa because she makes me take stupid bowling classes."
"I hate Julia because she is amazing at maths and I hate west. They are all bitches."
"I hate Julia because she likes country music."
"I hate Pepe because she is gay! hahaha!"
"I hate Jesse because he/she/it is extremely immature and he/she/it doesn't have any respect. He can never be serious about anything."
"I hate Jesse because im a gangster. runrunrunrunrun."
"I hate Kevin because he's taller than me, thinner than me, and cuter than me. Go to hell Kevin. Go straight to hell."
"I hate Tom because he doesn't play cards and bitches need to get painted."
"I hate Tom because he censors my non-pornographic pictures."
"I hate Kendra because of her insulting remarks regarding the 3rd world."
"I hate Megan because she won't send me that picture of her thong, with bears on it, while it was sticking out of her pants."
"I hate Megan because Wood has done a very good job with making her real."
"I hate Ricky because that dick had everything...especially that race car bed!"
"I hate Perry because he thinks typing words is 'saying it out loud.' That really grills my bacon! I Have Evil Monkeys In My Pants."
"I hate Jose because he's a tremendous dick who I want to see kicked in the testicles."
"I hate Scott because he stole my eyeliner then I caught him in my pantyhose!"
"I hate Scott because he sooooooo full of himself its annoying!"
Wow. Some of those hit a bit too close to home. Rough chuckles, as Marisa likes to say. To be specific, the ones about myself, Megan, Ricky, Jose and Scott were totally true.
That was awesome.