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Wednesday, August 8, 2007

The All Time Top Five STUPIDEST Things That Customers Have Ever Asked Me In My Nearly 7 Years In The Book Industry...



5) "Is the book 'The Kite Runner' good for a ten year old?"

The Kite Runner, for those of you who aren't avid readers, is an adult historical novel about the poverty and cruelty that came with growing up in Afghanistan during the 1978 communist coup d'etat and the hideously bloody soviet invasion in 1979. How much do you NOT know your kids that you think this book is a good book for your kid to read? What's next, is Lovely Bones good for my eight year old daughter?


4) A TIE: "Do you guys carry anything on stopping worshipping Satan?" AND "How come I can't rent books from you?"

The Kite Runner question and the Satan worshipping question were both asked yesterday and within five minutes of one another. The Satan one was asked over the phone by a teenage redneck sounding woman who I felt sorry for, not for her satanism habits but for her ignorance. The book renting question I used to get a LOT back in Arizona. In fact, customers were much meaner to me back there than they have been so far in California. However, the people in California have in general been a much worse class of people. In Arizona you got rednecks and old people and mexicans who don't speak english. There are so many more different and grossly unique classifications of assholes to hate in Cali.


3) "Do you sell e-books here?"

It was a smart seeming college aged business type who asked me this question, the sort of person you wouldn't expect to have to explain at length, at great length that an e-book only exists as a file on a computer. When he finally understood how stupid a question that was (the stupidity being akin to walking into Best Buy and asking where their iTunes songs were) he tried to play his ignorance off by asking for books on e-books. That phrase, books on e-books, makes my brain melt.


2) "Do y'all have any books on hunting for toddlers?"

Remember what I said earlier about the different and grossly unique classifications of assholes in California? This is a prime example. And this is what sets my blog apart from the other blogs out there. Any other blog would make a joke about toddler hunting. Not me. I'm beyond that.


1) A TWO PART QUESTION: "Do you have the book "Oriental Gamefowl" by Horst W. Schmudde, it's a guidebook for rare poultry exhibitors?" THEN AN ANSWER NO, FOLLOWED BY: "Well, when is your next box coming in?"

There are so many things wrong with this question. For starters, the full title of the book he was looking for is "Oriental Gamefowl: A Guide for the Sportsman, Poultryman and Exhibitor of Rare Poultry Species and Gamefowl of the World." Secondly, it's a $68.00 print on demand textbook. This book is so incredibly specific that Barnes and Noble's website has two reviews, the first from a person from South Africa who writes "The old publications by Finsterbusch and Atkinson have been read and read and at last this is new and fresh material available." Jesus Christ. Who is so out of touch with the modern world that they think that they can go to Arden mall, have a hot dog on a stick, visit the Sunglasses Hut, drink an Orange Julius, buy some khaki pants, and then mosey on down to the smallest Barnes and Noble in northern California, the ghetto Barnes and Noble with no music section, no movie department, and no cafe and easily pick up Horst W. Schmudde's book on rare oriental poultry exhibition? And what kind of a name is Horst W. Schmudde? It's either fake or some kind of rare Pokemon. And how dare this customer ask when our next box is coming in, like he honestly thinks this impossible to find book is as popular as Harry Potter 7. "Oh we're expecting our next shipment of Schmudde books in hopefully by next tuesday. I can put you on the waiting list if you want. You'd be number eighty four." I could have easily and guilt free have killed the man who asked me that question. Easily.

2 comments:

jessecoombs said...

I've heard some of these, but #1 made me laugh for real, and it's hard for anything to do that lately. Thank you, good sir.

Dave or Dana said...

People "rent" books from bookstores all the time, usually $70 books on computer programming. Two weeks later, they'd come back saying "this wasn't very good, could I get store credit?" Then they'd show up at the register wanting to buy a different $70 book. As long as the books were in sellable condition, I was told to let it happen.