NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Blackout ...



... I've been having anger issues at work lately. And by "lately" I mean within these past two years. Working on the floor of a major bookstore that just so happens to be located right next door to a major "once a year fatal shooting" mall can be extremely stressful on someone's nerves. And I've been lucky (???) enough to work next to TWO major semi-ghetto malls. And I've been working with the company for almost seven years now. That's a long time. And I've seen a lot in my time. I've had to clean up blood and vomit, I've had customers yell at me, I found a used hypodermic needle in the bathroom of the bookstore in Phoenix, I've almost gotten into a fight with a crazed gang member, I've had my life threatened, I've had to kick customers out of the store, I've had to call 911, I've had a lady get in my face and yell at me because we didn't have any books on mule psychology (I'm totally serious) and I've even had a six year old girl once throw books at my face. And lately these crazed moments have been coming at me at a rapid pace. These moments, coupled with people's anger and stubbornness and basic ignorance, had led to me, as regular readers probably know, to slam my fist against the walls at work.


So sometimes around March I came up with the idea of Kids Section Bingo.


I take about ten minutes once I get to work to make the day's card. Each square will be something different: angry customer, lengthy conversation with elderly person, no we don't have the textbook you're looking for, impossible question, customer pissed at me, obviously racist customer, fat redneck, loud cellphone conversation, "I Saw It Online," customer doesn't know title or author, answer over 20 phone calls, over 5 "Do you Work Here"s, huge stack of manga left in kids, ect. I play almost every day and I win about 75% of the games. Not sure if I should be proud or ashamed of that. But I find that playing bingo makes me feel a million times happier at work. This is because NOW when a fat redneck racist bastard dad with a neck tattoo and a pile of car magazines sits in my section and doesn't pay attention to his four A.D.D. kids running around the store destroying endcaps and displays I don't get angry. I get excited because that's like two bingo squares.


Not everybody knows I play this. I've only told about six people at work about it. This is because sometimes the squares will be "questionable" - yucky boob tattoo, ignorant black chick, bitchy Hot Hopic teens, flaming, spot 10 MILFs, retards, ignorant fucking bastard, soulless yuppie whore, panty shot, asian reading car magazines, where yo black section at, mom showing obscene amount of ass crack, employee does pissed off overhead, ect. Sometimes I could get in a whopping shitload of trouble for some of the things I write on my bingo card.


I've played about 60 games since March. And I usually win. Sometimes I win twice or three times in a single day. And twice I've gotten every box but four on my card.


But yesterday I had my first ever blackout ...




I answered over 22 phone calls, I had a customer give me attitude over the phone, I had a customer with a big list of textbooks we didn't carry, I had four songs from my iPod play on the instore radio station, I had customers sit in my special storytime chair, I had a lengthy conversation with an elderly customer, I had a bastard leave a ton of crap in my section, I had a massive last second summer reading list, I had a customer who didn't know the title or the author, I had a massive retard convention, I had a customer angry at me, I covered over two breaks, I had a customer hang up on me over the phone, I had the "But you have it online" conversation, I saw a nasty stinky bum, and I had a group of ignorant bastards in my department.


I checked off all sixteen squares.


I'm the Barry Bonds of bookstores.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Does your bookstore have public restrooms? The one I work in does and someone shits either on the toilet seat or the floor at least once every other day. This happens so frequent that we suspect this to be the work of one depraved individual that we have dubbed "The poopoo bandit." I am going to add, "clean shit off of toilet seat" to my bingo card.