NOTE: If you are easily offended by offensive things then please go somewhere else. I suggest pbskids.org or barbie.com, you wuss!


SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE TO LISTEN TO MY HILARIOUS AND WILDLY OFFENSIVE PODCAST!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Various Random Whatnots ...

... I have two days off in a row starting today, thanks to the holiday last monday, which I worked. Time and a half for me. That should look good on my paycheck. And thank god I got time and a half because my work was packed all to hell that day. The new pirates movie is playing right outside my work's doors, so all weekend we were packed with those clueless sort of people who never go to a bookstore until they have 45 minutes to kill.


Not that I'm bitter or anything.


I'm not really sure what I'm going to do with my time. I feel like I should do something with my time, you know? I might make a super vhs tape of ESPN's now cancelled "Cheap Seats" but without all the annoying sports commercials. Then there was some talk just a while ago about going over to Gwen's tomorrow and helping her clean. Not my idea of a fun day but at least it'll get us out of the house for a while. Marisa was going to call me if she needed a ride to her physical therapy appointment today. I haven't heard from her yet which probably means she has a ride. That sucks. I was looking forward to maybe spending some time with her beyond taking her to work.




I don't want to say that my wife and I are having troubles.


Because we're not. We're fine together.


It's just that, I don't know how to explain it. There's this wall between us. I don't know where it came from or how long its been there. But its there, this big wall that's separating us. We're not the same with each other anymore. There's something between us. We're both not at our best. Natasha's still suffering from extreme bouts of postpartum depression from Isabela being born and I'm on anidepression pills and I'm exhausted all the time from busting my ass at work and then my body is in constant pain because I'm suffering from what feel like a million different ailments.


And I'm losing weight. I was 153 pounds three weeks ago when I went to the doctor's. A week before that I was 159. Now I'm 143 lbs. That's over 15 pounds in a month. That's bad.


I don't think we're growing apart. I hope not. It's just there's something missing and I don't know what it is. At times there's just so much silence between us that it frightens me. We're a million miles away in the same room sometimes and I don't know what to do.




Anyway, here's some music for your punk ass ...


Timbaland featuring The Hives: Throw It On Me

James Brown: Super Bad

Warrant: Heaven

Sifl & Olly: Fake Blood

Frank Sinatra: Fly Me To The Moon

Amazing Transparent Man: Criminal

Rolling Stones: Citadel

Monday, May 28, 2007

Captain Book VS Ms. Know-It-All AND Dr. Borderz ...



... before I just up and post a whopping poopload of pictures from last saturday's amazing storytime, I need to say something. There's this website called Yelp.com where normal people can post reviews of stores and resturaunts. There are four reviews of my store and two of those four are about me.


One of the reviews says "He will let you HAVE FUN and BE LOUD in a place that you usually have to be quiet. I have watched him spellbind, enchant, and engage large groups of kids. Mr. Steve may seem a little wacky; frankly, kids kinda like that." Glowing review. Nice stuff. Feels good.


Then there's another review that says "The five times that I've been here the guy with the weird voice announces that he's about to begin storytime. Storytime is scary and I don't recommend it unless your kid is a holy terror and likes to scream. I've never heard kids shriek so loud but they can't stop me from getting my book fix so I'll be be back. Next time with earplugs."


Isn't that great? Thanks, Gretchen.


Anyhoo, here are the pics ...






























I love that last picture, all the kids booing me. Great pic. I'd totally make that my wallpaper if I had a computer anymore.


And thanks goes out once again to my amazing department manager AND personal photographer Tami. Thanks a million for all your hard work and countless pictures.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

This Saturday: Captain Book VS Two Super-Villains:



... this saturday at 2pm at the Arden mall Barnes and Noble, Captain Book, the world's only bookstore super hero, will have his hands full as never before. The script is done and I can't wait to do it because this is going to be the funniest and most action-packed story time I've ever done. This one has a lot of levels and a lot of comedy.


This saturday marks the next action=packed chapter in my epic, year long Captain Book saga and I absolutely can't wait. Last month, as you may remember, a new character named Ms. Know-It-All premiered and tried to take over storytime using her neighbor's evil remote, her neighbor being the evil and sinister Dr. Borderz.


It was a really awesome show last month and it showed that 1) Captain Book and I are really starting to get comfortable in what we're doing, and 2) we can successfully incorporate other people into our cool little plays. This month, though, it's more layered, with Ms. Know-It-All teaming up with the evil and sinister Dr. Borderz to take down Captain Book once and for all. It's a big story with a ton of ad-libbing and a lot of physical comedy and a lot of fourth wall-breaking. It's the funniest thing I've ever written.


These Captain Book events are really getting better and better. This month there's more interaction with the audience, there's more dramatic words for Captain Book to punch out in his deep super hero voice, there's a lot of physical slapstick for Megan and myself to do as well as a whole lot of kick ass ad-libbing. It's some seriously damn funny and everyone who comes, no matter the age, will be thoroughly impressed.


Captain Book is blowing up all over and the kids love him. Want proof? Here's a picture from last month. It's a young four year old Captain Book fan named Maya wearing her blanket as a cape so she can be like Captain Book ...




So the new chapter of the epic Captain Book saga premieres this saturday. Got that? That's this saturday at 2:00 pm and everybody should attend. Everybody. This is some seriously funny stuff.


Did I mention that it's free?

Friday, May 18, 2007

Post #666: A Welcomed Return To The World Of Anti-Depressants ...



... last monday my doctor told me that I had a bad ear infection. And a bad nasal infection. AAAAAND a bad throat infection. So now I'm taking these antibiotics that look like horse tranquilizers. I have to take them twice a day for like two weeks or else it will spread. It's not as fun as it sounds.


I'm also on a new nasal spray which is perscribed nasal attempt number three in my eternal quest to make my constantly clogged nose unclogged. This one comes in a white bottle and it's expensive and it burns my nasal passage for a number of seconds. The upside is that after the burn subsides it leaves a cool, crisp feeling as if I had just shoved a handful of mentos up my nose.


I'm also on a mellow antidepressant called effexor which I'm hoping will calm my depression and anger and sadness and hyperactiveness and my crippiling loneliness. I'm currently taking a half a dose right before bed. It zonks me out like weed but without the ass mouth feeling. I wake up feeling really mellow. On effexor it's like there's something in me that's forcing me to be slower. And that's good. Without effexor slowing me down I will continue to overwork myself until I die.


There's a massive list of side effects that I'm both excited and depressed about. "Lack of sexual desire is a common side effect," the wikipedia says. Yeah, I'd like to see them TRY and take my massive hypersexuality away from me. Good luck, venlafaxine!


Another side effect that the box tells me is an "abnormal ejaculation."


WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!?


Abnormal? What, am I going to masturbate and shoot out cum legos? It is going to be in bubble form and float up to the fan? Will it be blue? Or purple? Will I cry cum? Will I sweat it? Am I going to sneeze in the break room and accidentally sneeze cum all over Sema's face? What the high holy hell does "abnormal ejaculation" mean?


Wikipedia also told me that a less common side effect is "visual hallucinations." Seriously. How awesome is that? I am totally psyched to once again be visiting the world of antidepressants. Yay venlafaxine hydrochloride!




This is (literally) my 666th post since 2002.


Dood! How cool am I?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Ed Wood-opoly ...

AN INTRODUCTION TO THE GAME:



EMERALD'S WINNING:



EMERALD KICKS MY BUTT:


My Favorite Band Just Broke Up ...

Greatest band in the world. Local boys. Everybody's favorite band in Sacramento. Seen 'em live five times. They were featured in the same issue of Rue Morgue magazine that I was. I've even met the lead singer and talked to him at length about Ed Wood movies. Fuck, they even have a new album coming out next week, for Wood's sake!


I am totally crushed right now.


WTF?!?!? Favorite bands aren't supposed to break up!


Groovie Ghoulies: Deviltown

50,000 Spaceships (Watching Over Me)

The Beast With Five Hands

Going To The Doctor Today ...



... I haven't seen my doctor since he prescribed me that anti-depression medication that only made me more depressed. That wasn't fun. So it's been about nine months since I've been to see Dr. Kim. That's six months longer than I should have, because he needed to see me in January to make sure I wasn't suicidal from jumping off my depression pills and I just didn't make it in. Not because I was suicidal. I just didn't make it in.


I don't like going to the doctor. I never know what I should say, what I should bring up, what's wrong with me and what's all in my head. Does that make me sound crazy? Probably.


Anyways, I am a man who likes to be prepared, so here is a list of problems that I will be bringing up with my doctor, in no specific order ...


-I've felt sick for the past two and a half weeks

-my nose has been constantly clogged and the two different nasal sprays aren't helping

-my ears have been constantly plugged like I'm flying on a plane

-on and off for the past couple of weeks I've felt like someone has been choking me to death

-breathing problems

-anger and anxiety issues

-depression



There you go. That should certainly shake things up. I hope he gives me some super happy fun time pills. I totally need some super happy fun time pills. My wife has some so why not me?


My red swollen knuckles say I need me some super happy fun time pills.




Anyway, that's about it. Gotta jump in the shower before heading out. See you all later. Be sure to read my brand new lesson of wood called Lesson 31: The Dance of Wood and visit my web page.


Here's a new vid for you ...


Friday, May 11, 2007

Thirty-Nine Year Old, Six Foot Eight Inch Tall Professional Weightlifters Are (Apparently) Going To Their Prom ...

... so last saturday my wife and I celebrated our two year wedding anniversary by having a beer, driving to a nice italian resturaunt, having a drink in the parking lot, eating an amazingly huge dinner, having a drink, driving to Applebee's, having two huge drinks, watching Spider-Man 3, and then driving home and violently fucking until we both passed out on top of each other.


Yeah. My wife and I are fucking awesome.


Here is a pictures of my wife in the parking lot of the resturaunt ...




And this is a picture of the first of three tables that filled up with prom people once we finished eating ...




We mocked their prom dinners by loudly toasting "Here's to being of legal drinking age" with our beers.


And here are two slightly unsuccessful attempts to take a picture of the "prom date" who I swear couldn't have been younger than thirty-nine years old ...






That punk kid looks older than me. That is so fucking depressing. The older I get, the younger I look in comparison to high school kids. That is so fucking sad, not to mention it defies the laws of physics. How is it possible that I can be thirty years old and yet this neckless douchebag in a rented cumberbund looks like Ric Flair's drinking buddy? I would get carded before this ass turd would and he doesn't even have hair on his chest. Me? I have TEN strands on MY chest, so take THAT, you ass turd.


Before we left (and by left I mean "Buca Di Beppo pushed us out in order to seat more thirty-nine year old prom dates") Natasha made a paper airplane using her menu.


What a perfect chance to take one last picture of the ass turd ...




Ass turd.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Touched By Wood ...



The Church of Ed Wood, the official web page of the religion I created in 1996. It's been newly updated to include two free full length Ed Wood movies.


The Lessons of Wood, a 31 lesson course on how to live your life like Ed Wood.


LESSON 31: the Dance of Ed Wood, a brand new Lesson of Wood written yesterday.


Music.EdWood.org, the single greatest collection of free Ed Wood-inspired mp3s, newly updated with more mad crap.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Request Time ...

... this song goes out to my good buddy Flint Marko. Don't let the man bring you down!


BTW, does anyone else here see a rather shocking similarity ...






Steve's from Blue's Clues.


Could his full name be Steve MARKO?

Friday, May 4, 2007

Mr. Steve's "Broken" Vacation ...


... what I had originally called my accidental vacation I am now calling my "broken" vacation. I had originally planned to have from April 30th to May 8th off. But I had to go in last tuesday to train cute little Tiffany and do a huge storytime and redo all the endcaps. And today I had to return to work yet again for a field trip for some local speds.


I swear to Wood they're going to find some reason for me to come in on sunday or monday or I don't know what but this vacation is shattered with shards of working.




So, what to talk about?


I recently found my old Game Boy color that I probably stole from Game Crazy sometime around 1998 and I brought it back to life with the use of cheap Ikea batteries. I've been realing in the sheer delight of backlight-less, graphics-hindered gaming. Games like Super Mario Land and WWF Superstars are so simple that they're complicated, if that makes any sense, and I've been having lots of fun.


I also found my Pokemon Red, which I bought in 1998 and quickly discarded. I then got back into it in 1999 and, in pure Galindo fashion, once again quickly discarded it. Now it's 2007 and I'm continuing the game from '99 with pokemon nicknamed Debby (old girlfriend), Spunky (old girlfriend's ferret), Goldberg and N.W.O.


It's strange to think that one of my old girlfriends is now my strongest pokemon.




On saturday night I made a list of ten things for me to do during my "broken" vacation. The ten things are as follows and in no particular order:


-write new lesson of wood

-burn cd

-sleep in

-sex in the shower

-go to the movies

-take kid/kids to park

-go out for breakfast

-play City of Heroes/City of Villains

-sexy kitchen dance part-at

-go to sonic


And I am proud to say that as of right now I have completed six of the ten things on my broken vacation list ...




First off, burn cd. I made an awesome cd of mashups a few days ago.

Secondly, sleep in. Awesome. Thanks Natasha. I wish I could be allowed to sleep in more often and not just every other month but that just makes me cerish my days off all the more.

Thirdly, sex in the shower. Thank GAWD! I have such an incredibly HIGH sex drive and my wife is still wrestling with pregnancy depression and hormones and all that, so her sex drive is nowhere NEAR my EPIC leven of need. But she's been working out a lot lately which has kicked her drive into drive, so I couldn't be happier.

Fourthly, take kid/kids to park. After dropping Em at school yesterday my wife and I drove around and accidentally stumbled onto an awesome empty park in the middle of a ghetto neighborhood that frighteningly had a miltitude of car bumpers littering the sidewalks. We had a blast and Bela finally slid down a slide on her ownsome. Really amazing.

Fifthly, go out for breakfast. This is a controversial one. We had planned on going to breakfast this morning and THEN doing the sped field trip, whenever that was. But the community relations manager finally informed me, after some major arm twisting on my part, that the field trip was at 9:30 am and, since Em needs to be at school at 8:30, that made breakfast before work impossible. So we had breakfast after work. At 11 in the afternoon. We justified it by saying that even though it wasn't breakfast anymore and we weren't eating breakfast food it was STILL breakfast.

Finally, Sonic. Me and the fam did that on day one with Marisa and company. The tastiest food in the universe, food so damn good that the multitude of clueless crackers walking into the kitchen area who were oblivious to the fact that it's outside seating somehow did nothing to bum my high.




We should bump off two more things on my list tomorrow, which just so happens to be my anniversary. Yup. Tomorrow it will be our two year wedding anniversary and it will also be four years that we've been together as a couple. We'll be completely kidless tomorrow night so we're going to go out to eat at a nice italian resturaunt, maybe have a few drinks, and we already have our tickets for the 8:15 pm showing of Spider-Man 3. Then it's home for us so that we can have a few drinks more, have a sexy dance part-ay, and fuck like sweaty violent hairless monkeys.


I'm honestly a bit nervous about tomorrow night.


This is going to seem pathetic, especially for a man who runs his own religion based primarily in B-movies, but I haven't seen a movie in a theater since Borat and that was weeks AFTER the theaters were packed. It was a relatively empty theater and it was relaxed and casual and we had fun. Before that the last film I saw in a theater was Snakes on a Plane and before THAT the last movie was fuckin' ARISTOCRATS with fuckin' JESSE! That was hella long ago, to use the parlance of my state.


I'm just worried that I am in no way the person I was four years ago who would go see a movie at 12:01am and wait hours in line and sit in a dark packed movie theater witha whole bunch of asshole cell phone douchebags watching some 2 1/2 hour movie. I'm married with kids. My capacity for entertainment has de-evolved into small bursts of Dora and Spongebob with crying children. I don't have the time and money and patience and free time that I used to be able to devote to going to see movies. I'm just worried that seeing Spider-Man 3 on opening weekend is too drastic of a jump for someone as movie-declined as I am.




And I'm already readying myself to a lot of Parker inner turmoil and NOT a lot of Venom. But how awesome would it be if they made a Spider-Man 4 and it had the sinister six? THAT would be the ultimate movie. Venom, Green Goblin, Doc Ock, Sandman, Mysterio, and either The Lizard or Shocker but without the fag costume.


Anyway, horray for me and my wife. We're awesome. I've got to go make dinner for the kids now, so I'll see you later.


Wind clan out.